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There was an air of inevitability of defeat hanging over Danny and Oswald’s heads during the episode. Perhaps it was because they seemed so subdued throughout the leg. Or, more likely, it was because they never once came close to making up a thirty-minute lead they needed to overcome having been marked for elimination.

They must have known they were screwed, but they remained in good-spirits throughout. When the axe fell, they were gracious losers. Some teams should take note, especially those whose names rhyme with Schmeric and Schmanielle.

They said that this was just one chapter of their lives and that they had so much more to experience. What classy guys! Danny said he would be friends with Oswald until they were both old and grey and in the gay nursing home. What great friends! They said they wanted Charla and Mirna to win because they were ‘classy’. What…uh, nobody’s perfect I guess.

Karma: still a bitch

Just when you thought you’d heard the last of the word ‘karma’, Danny and Oswald made sure to mention it at the start at the episode just so that they could remind everyone what a wicked, terrible deed using the Yield was. They proclaimed that they had asked the universe for pardon and would hopefully regain their luck. Something tells me the universe is an unforgiving bitch.

Speaking of unforgiving bitches, Eric and Dani(elle) continued to be as gracious as they’d always been by not only continuously wishing for Danny and Ozzy’s downfall, but also choosing to ignore them completely. I fail to see how this is a bad thing for the Chas.

Eric and Dani(elle)’s bad wishes looked like they might come true when Danny and Oswald had to make a tight connection. But if there’s one thing the two of them can do, it’s making tight connections. They managed to board a plane, and all was well, at least for the ten seconds of showtime before they landed and it all went to crap.

Top Goon

The leg, set in Guam, was the show’s love letter to the military. Or maybe it was their way of saying, “Military? We’re sorry about that Ron guy a few seasons back. No hard feelings, huh?”

It turns out that the military base in Guam is a happy, fun-loving kind of place, where instead of holding car washes to make money, they hold entire plane washes. Then they take the money they get from the plane washes, they buy boxes of food and books and drop it among the restless natives of the undiscovered Pacific islands as peace offerings.

Charla and Mirna were just thrilled to be help drop box meals from planes. Charla thought this would be the perfect task because she liked helping people. Yeah, she’s a regular Mother Teresa. If I could find a wimple that small, I’d send her one.

Despite the task supervisor’s advice to fill the boxes with love, Mirna chose to berate Charla in her usual oh-so-encouraging way. Not in front of the food, guys! You’re upsetting the tinned beans! After they had filled the boxes with food, books and bitchery, they took a trip in a plane to para-drop the box. Knowing these two’s tendency for wacky screw-ups, they probably dropped it on someone’s head.

The other teams are not such wonderful paragons of morality and love as Charla and Mirna, so they chose to get down and dirty washing planes. Typical. Any task which involves a wet T-shirt….

Saving Private Dani

The BQs were especially excited to be doing all sorts of cool military tasks. They fell in love with a female recruit’s hat and wished they had their own. What an enthusiastic pair they are! I can just imagine them as WW2 pinups, dressed in darling little khaki outfits and wearing their sailor caps at a jaunty angle, smiling big as they saluted, and perkily encouraging GIs to bomb the Japs.

Dustin took on the rescue mission Roadblock and just about died of a war-gasm. All the military hijinks made her feel so patriotic and proud to be an American. She didn’t win Miss New York by being a no-good commie terrorist after all. You should have seen her rendition of “God bless the USA” in the talent portion of the show.

For future reference, if you are ever in a warzone with any of the Amazing Race contestants, you should stick with Dustin, who actually knew what she was doing during the task. If you go with Charla, be prepared for her to press a button and blow something up by accident. If you go with Oswald, you will probably be flattened by a tank he will fail to notice until it is two feet away.

And if you go with Dani(elle)…well, then God rest your soul because you will discover that war may be hell, but she’s worse. Dani(elle)’s foray into pretend rescue missions proved to be as unsuccessful as her foray into fish-transportation. She started freaking out and crying that Eric was going to be so mad at her for doing so badly and coming back last. What’s he gonna do, make a boob joke about you? Lord, Dani(elle), pull yourself together! You’re not in Full Metal Jacket! You are not going to be shot by the Vietcong if you fail your mission!

Dani(elle) and Charla’s complete inability to handle a GPS did not hamper them enough, sadly. So it is with a heavy heart that I accept the Chas’ elimination (I already have my mourning veil picked out) and turn instead to the finale. The good news is that there is a 2 in 3 chance that an all-girl team finally wins a season. The bad news is that one of that 2 in 3 involves Halfpint and Halfwit. The other bad news is that there is a 1 in 3 chance that a fake-made-up team winning it. Odds are even that Charla snaps and kills Mirna before the end is done.

Next week: The finale! BQ in-fighting! Stumpy dwarf running! Overuse of exclamation points! Make sure you don’t miss it.

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