This wasn’t exactly the most tension-filled episode, was it? With Uchenna and Joyce missing their connecting flight, there was absolutely no suspense as to who was going to go home so the editors were forced to not show them at all and hope we forgot about them until the end.
Perhaps it was better that Uchenna and Joyce did disappear for most of the episode. How interesting is it to watch two people drinking copiously while cursing air transportation?
Don’t feel too bad for Uchenna and Joyce however. They can console themselves by weeping into the piles and piles of money they won the last time round. Well, one and a half piles after taxes.
Our lady of perpetual whining
After eleven seasons, you’d think contestants would have realised that this show is not The Amazing Happy Fun Friendship and Cookies Hour (although there were cookies) and stopped acting as if they were characters in some sort of grand morality play.
I speak, of course, partly of those saints, Charla and Mirna, whose shoulders must be really sore from the crosses they carry around on their backs. Mirna actually managed to show a rare bit of restraint in her declaring her victimhood when Eric chose not to let the Schmirnas cut in line for a few seconds to ask a travel agent a question. Such restraint! Mirna smiled tightly and acknowledged it was fair play as a vein in her forehead began to throb.
Charla and Mirna still found a way to draw attention to their inherent goodness when they refused to Yield someone because it was the Wrong Thing To Do. Such shining examples of integrity and kindness! Why, I could almost see small birds and woodland characters gathering around them and bathing in the glow of their benevolent aura.
By contrast, there were the wicked, wicked BQs. These nasty, spiteful creatures Yielded Eric and Dani(elle), thus earning them a place in the lowest level of hell forever. How dare they use an aspect of the game placed specifically there to be used in order to do well in a competition? This was all Charla and Mirna needed to confirm that the BQs were big phonies. Actually, just looking at them the first time was enough to convince them they were phonies but at least Charla and Mirna now have a specious reason to hate them.
Pirates of the pageant
Charla and Mirna were kind enough to lend their crosses to Eric and Danielle, who were only too glad to take them. Eric and Danielle could not believe Dustin and Kandice could do this to them. Eric called them dirty pirate hookers, which would be awesome if true. I really hope we get dirty pirate hookers in a future season. He then mocked them by talking in the exact same girly voice he’d used to impersonate Mirna earlier on. Comedy: you’re doing it wrong.
Dani(elle) went further and called them fake. Oh, that’s rich coming from Tits McGee and her manscaped boyfriend, the Preening Peacock. Honey, your entire relationship is made up for the cameras. Let’s not go throwing stones here.
The dirty pirate hookers themselves were unaffected by the Sulk Twins and took on the leg in their trademark style. They hijacked commandeered a bus at one point to get them where they needed to go. If that aint pirate, I don’t know what is. They beat the tasks with consummate ease to come in first and win retro scooters. That may not sound like much, but it’s a start. Today it’s a scooter, tomorrow it’s a frigate. Arrrrrrr!!
That takes the biscuit
The BQs may have been in fine form, but my other favourites, the Chas, were not. Danny had contracted a tropical bacteria known as Passive Aggresieva and was taking it out on Oswald.
Danny made the very poor suggestion of going for a luck-based task chomping cookies all day. He didn’t even read the clue properly and refused to listen to Ozzy when he tried to correct him. Finally, Danny accepted Ozzy’s wise counsel, with a good deal of snittiness I might add, and they changed tasks for a much better result.
Later, Danny continued to be pissy because Ozzy made him do the Roadblock. Ozzy was unable to do it due to his debilitating fear of bikes. Why do all these people have such weird phobias? Danny did not enjoy it but hey, he was the one who screwed up with the cookie task, so too bad.
I do not understand the appeal the cookies had for most of the teams. Only the BQs managed to resist their sugary temptation completely. Charla and Mirna were immediately struck down with cookielust as soon as they read the Detour clue. Mirna bounded towards it chanting “cookiecookiecookie” like the Cookie Monster, while Charla plodded along just behind her like the Pillsbury Dough Boy.
The cookies were pretty much a bust for Charla and Mirna except that they got to meet their Malaysian fanclub. A whole group of locals stood watching them like they were rare zoo animals and shouted occasional words of encouragement. It makes up for the stone-faced Poles at least.
Later on, while Mirna was doing the Roadblock, a few more Schmirna devotees popped up to help her out. Mirna enlisted child labour to carry her newspapers for her. Lord, Mirna, at least the sweatshops pay them something. Mirna’s only payment was to tell them not to do drugs. She proudly announced they were “the future Charla and Mirnas”. Oh gaaaawwwdddd! One of each is quite enough, thanks very much.
Next week: Round 3 of the death match between Charla/Mirna and the BQs. This time Kandice threatens to give them a “BQ sandwich”. Is that like a BLT sandwich? Bacon and Quince? Banana and Quail? Bratwurst and Quiche?
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