One of the more interesting things about this go-around of the Amazing Race is seeing just how the teams have or haven’t changed. Some are the exact same as they were the first time round. Danny and Oswald are still the greatest thing since glittery hot pants. Rob is still cockier than a gay porn movie. Dani(elle) is still forgetta…who was I talking about again? Mirna and Charla…well, more on them later.
Others may as well have been taken over by body snatchers for how different they are. David and Mary have gone bitchy and hypocritical, while Kevin and Drew turned into fun-sucking black holes.
If you have never seen Kevin and Drew in action before now, this is not how they always were. Think of this season’s Kevin and Drew as the bad sequel to a really great movie. Essentially, Season 1 Kevin and Drew are ‘Speed’, while Season 11 Kevin and Drew are ‘Speed 2: Whose Bright Idea Was It To Add Boats?’
I’m sorry we never got to see the funny runaway bus version of Kevin and Drew rather than the runaway cruise ship version. I’m not sorry that they were eliminated before bits started breaking off Drew.
Rob vs Airplanes
Rob may seem self-obsessed but that’s only because everyone else is even more obsessed with him than he is. If you were playing the Official TAR Drinking Game (available from all good Pit Stops and Travelocity gnomes everywhere), you are surely dead from alcohol poisoning from taking a drink every time Rob and Amber’s names were mentioned.
Maybe the other teams’ collective worry about Rob and Amber caused their plane to delay. Or maybe planes just hate the two of them. Don’t think I haven’t forgotten that plane in the Season 7 finale. You’re on my list, plane! Even more distressing was how Danny and Oswald were also delayed. You know how I know they’re awesome teams though? They managed to get first and second place despite those nasty delays. Again.
In other Rob and Amber news, I do believe we saw the first time Amber has ever disagreed with Rob. She’s been hanging with those Chas too much! They’re obviously taking her shopping and dancing with her to Motown and teaching her to be a strong, independent movie like gay best friends in every chick flick ever.
You’re Fired!
I was really expecting Donald Trump to make a crossover guest appearance when I heard Phil say the Roadblock involved a boardroom. The Roadblock did not involve selling Trump-brand pens or whatever the crap he sells and calls the finest in New York. Instead the Roadblock involved powers of observation.
Dustin did really well at this task. Beauty Queens are notorious for their powers of observation – you have to be sharp to take advantage of the exact moment you can trip your opponent onstage while the judges and cameras aren’t watching. Mary, of all people, also proved to be an ace at the task. There’s a sentence I never thought I’d be typing.
Not so good at observation were Eric, Ian and Joyce. Eric’s so bad at it, he hasn’t even noticed that they replaced his old teammate with some blonde chick off the street. Ian was confident he was better at observation than Teri – the botox has seeped down into her eyeballs no doubt – because of his police skills. On a scale of 1 to 10, I’d rate Ian’s police skills as slightly worse than Leslie Nielsen’s in Naked Gun.
Mirna the Global Communicator
One of this week’s destinations was the beautifully desolate Chiquitita Chiquicamata and the Valley of the Moon/Dead/Zombies. This was where the Mirna and Charla of old came out to remind everyone why they were picked to come back. The Detour allowed the sound editors to play suitably comedic music every time they were on. I swear, at one point, I think Mirna was standing on Charla’s shoulders.
Then later on there was the confrontation with the BQs. Mirna made a habit of being dis-GUS-ted with other teams during her season so big surprise when she deemed the BQs Satan’s own spawn for daring to follow them while they were following a taxi they’d paid for. The BQs offered to pay half the fare if the price was low enough but this was not enough for our Moana. She had to make a stand, by…er, standing around until the BQs drove off. I think she took the ‘stand’ thing too literally.
Said stand lasted until other teams started passing them and the taxi driver threatened to drive away. Mirna tried to reason with him in Mirnese, which is a language where you talk to a foreigner in a dodgy accent. Yay! I love Mirnese. Think Borat, only with less throwing of Jews down wells: “Please-a, no go, senor! I give-a you all my money to stay even dough I have-a no money left for tomorrow and have-a to beg on street to support my eight childs!”
Later, Charla and Mirna interviewed just what they thought of the BQs. “Beauty is only skin-deep,” Charla intoned seriously, and went on to say that all the plastic surgery in the world couldn’t disguise inner ugly. Geez, it’s not like they tried to dwarf-toss you, woman. Charla then praised Mirna for her ‘pure heart’. Yeah, 100 percent pure idiocy.
Gotta Keep Swimming (After Someone Else)
Maybe Charla and Mirna saw similarly pure hearts behind David and Mary’s grotty exterior. Maybe that’s why the two teamed up to form an Alliance of Purity and Goodness. I knew David and Mary wouldn’t be able to go two episodes without latching onto another team.
The Alliance of Purity and Goodness didn’t even last a whole episode. Mirna does not take the prize for the most eyeroll-inducing incident of playing-the-martyr. When Charla and Mirna passed David and Mary on the way to the Pit Stop, Mary couldn’t believe it.
“OMG HOW DARE THEY PASS US INSTEAD OF STOPPING OFF FOR OUTSIDE THE MAT FOR TEA AND SCONES BEFORE LETTING US ON THE MAT FIRST,” Mary raged. Oh, the betrayal! Oh, the ruthlessness! Oh, the irony! Didn’t David and Mary spend nearly a whole season following other teams they were allied with and generally being giant Kentucky Fried Albatrosses?
Mary was adamant that she would never be in another alliance again. Oh lord, David and Mary are racing on their own steam! That’s like Thomas the Tank Engine racing against a Japanese bullet train. Guys, you don’t have any steam of your own. You’re Dory from Finding Nemo. No wait, not even. You’re like one of those fishes that attaches itself to a shark’s ass and eats all the leftover bits of food that float your way.
Next week: Hoo-RA vs Char-LAAAA! It’s the Alien vs Predator of The Amazing Race.
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