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Finally! The Amazing Race returns! And not just any regular version but the All Stars version, filled with the best former contestants the race has to offer. The most competitive (like David and Mary), the most memorable (like Eric and Danielle) and the most entertaining (like…well, Eric and Danielle again) teams have returned to clock more voyager miles and, more importantly, more airtime. Come on, Rob and Amber! One more reality show and you get the next one free!

The biggest question on my mind (after “who the hell is that chick standing next to Eric?”) was how the teams have changed since I last saw them. Has the fame gone to their heads? Are they going to be overplaying their race personas in order to get more airtime?

The two most noticeable changes I saw was that Teri got botox like any good Hollywood stah. She’s not quite at Janice Dickinson levels of Botox Terror Alert but she’s getting to Nicole Kidman levels at least. Even more disturbing was that David and Mary highlighted their hair. Highlights! What is the world coming too when even our dear simple coal farmers succumb to Hollywood standards of beauty? What’s next? Passing out drunk outside of bars with no panties on?


So who are there people again?

Not everyone is an insane fangurl expert in TARology who has watched all ten seasons, so for those of you who may not know who the previous teams are, here is my handy, dandy guide to telling the teams apart.

Rob and Amber: The ones you’ve probably seen in eight other reality shows.

Danny and Oswald (aka the Chas): The fierce and fabulous Latinos. They are the good gheys.

Bill and Joe (aka Team Giudo): The ageing couple who named their team after their tiny dog. They are the eeeevil gheys. Or were. They may have retired their train tracks and twirly moustaches.

Teri and Ian: He’s the old guy with the stupid hat who shouts out “Hoora” like he’s a Spartan from 300. You’re welcome for that mental image.

Dustin and Kandice (aka the BQs): The blondes who will be kicking ass and pissing off everyone in the process. So Rob and Amber with more boob, basically.

Eric and Irrelevant: The balding Frat boy and his doormat no-one remembers because her team lasted all of five seconds last time.

Uchenna and Joyce: The ones who already have a million so what the hell are they doing here anyway?

David and Mary: Look behind you and there they’ll be, following you.

Charla and Mirna: Charla is the physical midget and Mirna is the mental midget.

Kevin and Drew: The chubby baldies. Drew is the one who has apparently not used his legs for several years.

John Vito and Jill: The ones who you’ll never see again because they’re chilling at Loser Lodge.


Wicked games

The team that already stands out is Rob and Amber. In an interview they pegged themselves as the ones other teams were definitely fretting over. Now you might think this is a big-headed attitude, and considering it’s Rob we’re talking about, you’d be right.

However, the teams were totally obsessed with the thought of Rob and Amber. David and Mary even came over all fluttery when they got to meet them. Team Kentucky were also sure to fangirl over Charla and Mirna. Are David and Mary going to spend the whole race asking for the other teams’ autographs?

You can tell David and Mary have been watching the other seasons to prepare, not just from the giddiness over meeting other teams, but also because they’ve decided to become hardcore racers. Just look at how they tried to fool the BQs at the airport by lying to them about which flight was the earliest. Gasp! What has happened to my sweet David and Mary? Lying to get ahead? I knew those highlights in their head were no good.

The BQs were not fooled because they are well acquainted with the art of sneaky racing. I’m salivating at the thought of a sneaky bastard showdown between Rob and Amber, and the BQs. It’ll be like Godzilla vs King Kong, only with less destruction of Tokyo and bad Japanese dubbing.


The cream of the crap

I must remind everyone that these teams are the ALL-STARS. They’re the best of the best, the smartest, the most physical, the Chuck Norrisiest of them all.

Naturally then, the episode was filled with stupid mistakes and bad racing.

A few teams were impressive. The rest of the teams made the same bunch of silly mistakes you see in every other season of the show – checking into flights without making sure which flight arrives first, driving halfway round national parks before finding the right entrance – that kind of thing.

And not to harp on specific teams, but geez, David and Mary! You couldn’t have absorbed the actual good racing part of Rob and Amber’s game instead of the sneaky bastard part?

Kevin and Drew also showed some crappy racing. Drew appears to have lost the ability to run. I say lost because I don’t remember him needing a scooter to get around on his first go-around so I assume he must have been running back then.

Now he runs so slowly, he gets beaten by Charla. Charla! That’s like getting beaten at arm wrestling by Stephen Hawking. Plus his legs like to go on strike at inopportune moments, leading to falls, shoulder injuries, and other fun things. Can we call up Sarah and ask to borrow her bionic leg?

Kevin and Drew don’t seem to be enjoying themselves yet, but can you blame them, what with bad legs and flat tyres? Drew, perhaps worried that his leg would somehow maneuver itself underneath a moving tyre or throw itself into the jack if he tried to fix it, made an executive decision and decided to drive through the park on the flat. Somehow that wasn’t quite bad enough luck to eliminate them. Which brings us to…


Jon and Jill went up the wrong hill

John and Jill
Went up the hill
To clip a horse’s toenails
John and Jill
Were met by Phil
Who told them they had failed

Yep, John Vito and Jill went from the front of the pack to dead last (not just dead, zombie last!) in a few easy steps. Are you impressed by these All Stars yet, viewers?

I was sad to see them come last because I really liked them in their season but hey, them’s the breaks. Plus half of these teams are favourites of mine so I’ve already braced myself for sad eliminations of teams I love.

Sorry, Jon Vito and Jill. Should have bickered more. Then you’d have been guaranteed top three at least.

It’s not all bad. Jon Vito and Jill did get to enjoy the wonders of Ecuador, from clipping horse toenails to driving around parks aimlessly. In other words, all the best bits of any Rough Guide.

Next week: The BQs discover their inner Strawberry Shortcake and become BFFs with Charla and Mirna. Just kidding! Anyone who bet on Rob and Amber being the first to make new enemies, pay up.

This episode not brought to you by Converse All Stars.

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