A man approaches the TARDIS, which is parked outside a deserted warehouse. He walks up to the TARDIS and places his hand on the door. As he does so, he hears Rose's voice calling out to the Doctor.
The man, whose name is Elton, follows the sound of the Doctor and Rose's voices, which are coming from inside the warehouse. He walks up some stairs into a corridor with a door at the end. Elton opens the door to reveal an alien monster, which growls at him.
The scene then cuts to Elton at home in front of his video camera. Elton confirms that the monster went “RAAAH”, and the scene switches back to the warehouse.
As the monster walks towards Elton, the Doctor appears behind it and holds up a piece of meat. The monster turns to face the Doctor, who tells Elton to get out of there.
Rose arrives carrying a blue bucket, and she throws its contents on the monster. The Doctor says that the bucket is the wrong one and she's made it worse. Rose says that the Doctor said the blue bucket, and he replies that he said not the blue bucket.
A Scooby-Doo style chase sequence then follows, with the Doctor, Rose and the monster chasing each other through a series of doors that open into the corridor. At one point the Doctor stops, looks at Elton and asks if he knows Elton.
Elton's response is to run out of the warehouse. While he's leaning against a wall to catch his breath, he hears the sound of the TARDIS's engines.
Back in his home, Elton explains into the camera that the encounter at the warehouse wasn't the first time he met the Doctor and it wasn't the last. He goes on to say that he put it in at the beginning because it makes it a brilliant.
We cut to Elton being filmed as he walks down the street, and he explains that his friend Ursula is the one filming. They walk up to a house and Elton says that the house is his family home and is where he first met the Doctor.
Elton says that he was about three or four years old and he woke up in the middle of the night and went downstairs, where he encountered the Doctor. Ursula asks why the Doctor was there, and Elton replies that he still doesn't know all those years later.
Back at home, Elton introduces himself and explains his fascination with the Doctor. Two years earlier he was caught up in the Auton attack, a year later he was close by when the Slytheen ship crashed into Big Ben, and on Christmas Day he got a good look at the Sycorax ship. That was how it all started, and that was how he met Ursula, a man named Victor Kennedy, Jackie Tyler, and the Doctor.
Elton takes a break and then goes on to say that his life isn't all spaceships and that he likes football, a drink, and Spain. But if there's one thing he really likes, it's the Electric Light Orchestra, and we see shots of Elton dancing to an ELO song.
Following the Christmas invasion, Elton went searching on the Internet. He came across a blog by a woman named Ursula Blake which had a photo of the Doctor taken at Christmas. The Doctor looked just the same as he was when Elton met him as a child.
Ursula goes on to tell Elton about the Doctor, not that she knows much about him. Elton also learns that Ursula is part of a small group who get together regularly to discuss the Doctor, and she introduces him to the other members: Mr Skinner, Bridget and Bliss.
At one evening in the basement where they meet, they discuss what the group should be called, and Elton suggests London Investigation 'n' Detective Agency, or LINDA for short. Everyone else likes the name and LINDA is christened.
The meetings continue regularly, but things began to change. Bridget starts cooking for them, and Mr Skinner begin to read from the novel he is writing. They discover that Bliss can play the guitar and Bridget the piano, and after Elton confesses his love of ELO, they become “Musical LINDA”, with Elton on vocals, Bliss on guitar, Bridget on piano, Ursula on bass, and Mr Skinner on drums.
One evening while they are playing, the power suddenly goes out. The basement door opens and a shadowy figure enters. At his command, the lights turn back on, revealing the man to be the Victor Kennedy Elton mentioned earlier.
Elton asks who Victor is, and he replies that he's their salvation. He opens a laptop, and shows them footage of Rose and the Doctor entering the TARDIS. The picture on the laptop cuts out, but a sound can be heard.
It's the familiar vworp of the the TARDIS engines. Upon hearing them, Elton backs away and sits down in a chair.
Ursula asks him what's wrong, and Victor realises that Elton's heard that sound before. Elton explains that he'd forgotten about it, but he heard that noise on the night he first saw the Doctor.
Victor pulls some files out of his briefcase. He tells them that they'll be able to build up a more detailed profile of the Doctor using the Torchwood files. He tells them that he's given them all tasks to do. As the others leave, Victor asks Bliss if he could have a word with her in private. The others leave, and in the background we can hear Bliss screaming, although no one seems to notice.
Elton says into his video camera that all of a sudden they were now working for Victor. The scene changes back to the basement, which has been equipped with desks, like a schoolroom, with Victor the teacher. Elton raises his hand and asks Victor if he knows what has happened to Bliss, to which Victor replies that she's getting married.
In his video diary, Elton says that they got close once, and we see Mr Skinner saying that a police box has been sighted. Elton tells the viewer not to get excited, as that was where we came in.
Victor isn't happy about Elton having frozen when he met the Doctor, and threatens to hit him with his cane. Ursula reacts angrily to this, and Victor comments that she's the one most likely to fight back.
Victor says that they should change tack and concentrate on finding the Doctor's companion. He shows a picture of Rose, saying that the Torchwood files are lacking when it comes to her, having been corrupted by something called the Bad Wolf virus.
Victor asks Elton what he observed about Rose, and Elton says that she had a London accent. Victor tells LINDA to hit the streets with the photographs of Rose, in the hope that they find someone who knows who she is.
Of course, since Elton is narrating this story, he's the one who finds someone who knows Rose. An old woman tells him where Rose lives, and that her mother is Jackie Tyler.
Elton spots Jackie entering a launderette carrying two bags of laundry. Elton takes off his shirt (he's wearing something underneath it) and follows her in.
He puts his shirt into a washing machine, and his voice-over goes through the steps that Victor had taught them. Step One: Engage your target; Step Two: Get on first name terms with the target; Step Three: Ingratiate yourself with a joke; Step Four: find a way of integrating yourself into the target's household. It turns out that Jackie is one who ends up performing all these steps, with the final one asking Elton if can fix washing machines as hers is broken, which is why she's at the launderette.
Jackie and Elton return to Jackie's flat where Elton replaces a fuse on the plug. Jackie says that she used to have a friend called Mickey who did that sort of thing for her, but he's gone.
Jackie offers Elton a cup of tea, and the two of them start talking. Jackie mentions Rose, saying that even though she's gone travelling, Jackie keeps her bedroom ready just in case she comes back.
The other members of LINDA are delighted at Elton having found Jackie. Victor tells them all to go home and come up with a plan for Step Five. As they're leaving, he asks Bridget if he could have a word with her in private.
Outside, Elton and Ursula comment on Mr Skinner's evident attraction to Bridget. Mr Skinner doesn't deny it, while in the background we hear Bridget scream.
Elton returns to Jackie's flat, saying how strange it is that so many things needed fixing, as if the flat was jinxed. As Elton fixes things, we see that Jackie is checking him out.
On one occasion Jackie enters the room as Elton is finishing up. She's wearing a short black skirt and holding two glasses of wine, one of which she gives to Elton.
Jackie mentions that the wine is French, and Elton asks if Rose is in France. Jackie tells him that Rose won't be coming back that night. I don't know how certain she can be of that, given that the TARDIS has materialised inside the flat previously.
Jackie advances on Elton, and he tries to back away. She says that he must be hot, and suggests that he take his jacket off.
Jackie spills some wine on Elton's shirt, trying to make it look like an accident, but it's clearly not. She suggests he take his shirt off and she'll put it in the wash. When he protests that it's just a drop, she deliberately pours her wine onto his shirt.
Elton retreats to the bathroom and takes his shirt off while he freshens up, while his voice-over says that this is the ultimate Step Five. He comes out of the bathroom to find Jackie on the phone to Rose.
Jackie apologises to Elton, saying that with Rose gone she sometimes gets a bit mad. She tells him to put his shirt back on and suggests that he leave.
Elton says that he has a better idea. He'll go and get a pizza and the two of them can just hang together as friends, and she agrees to it.
As Elton is walking back to the flat, his voice-over says that things suddenly made sense to him. As much as he liked Jackie, he liked someone even more, and we see a montage of clips featuring Ursula.
Jackie meets him outside the flat, holding his jacket. She says that she'd decided to slip some money in his pocket as he'd never accept it otherwise, and when she did so, she found a picture of Rose. Elton tries to explain that he only wanted to meet the Doctor, but Jackie tells him to leave.
At LINDA headquarters, Victor isn't happy with Elton's failure. Elton tells Victor that ever since he arrived, things started to go wrong. They were friends who met every week and had a good time, but now Bliss and Bridget have stopped turning up.
Elton tells Victor that he's leaving, and so are Mr Skinner and Ursula. He tells Ursula that the two of them are going to go and have a meal together if she wants to, and she agrees to it.
Victor says that it'll mean that Elton will never know what the Doctor was doing in his house, but Elton isn't bothered. As they prepare to go, Victor asks Mr Skinner to stay a moment.
He says that he has some possible numbers for Bridget, and the two of them could track her down together. Mr Skinner agrees to this, and tells Elton and Ursula to go and have a nice time.
Outside, Elton and Ursula discuss their upcoming meal, while Mr Skinner gives a scream, which neither of them hear, just like the other ones. Ursula discovers that she's left her phone behind and the two of them go back to get it.
The two of them enter the basement, but the only person there is Victor, hidden behind a newspaper. The newspaper's headline mentions the name Saxon, which will be a recurring theme in the third season.
Elton and Ursula ask where Mr Skinner is. Victor tries to make up a story, but they don't believe him. They hear Mr Skinner's voice asking for help.
Ursula notices that Victor's hands now look like claws. He lowers the newspaper to reveal that he's actually an alien.
Mr Skinner's face is poking out of Victor's stomach, and this is where the episode goes wrong for me. Up until this point it's been a really good one, successfully playing with the format of the show, but Victor Kennedy's true identity just doesn't work, making the ensuing scenes far too ridiculous.
It turns out that Victor has absorbed Bliss and Bridget as well. Ursula takes Victor's cane and prepares to hit him with it, but he grabs hold of her arm and begins to absorb her.
Ursula's body disappears and her face appears on Victor's chest. Elton demands that Victor give her back, but Victor tells him that the process is irreversible.
Ursula says that now that she's been absorbed, she can read Victor's thoughts, and Elton is next. Elton turns and runs, with Victor chasing after him.
Victor chases Elton into a dead end, and Elton falls to his knees. When Victor asks him why he's given up so soon, Elton replies that everything he ever wanted has been absorbed.
Victor reaches out to Elton, but at that moment the TARDIS materialises, and an unhappy Doctor and Rose step out.
Rose says that Elton upset her mother, and that no one does that. Elton is bit bewildered that they're more concerned about him than the alien standing next to him.
Victor threatens to absorb Elton if the Doctor doesn't give himself up. The Doctor doesn't appear too concerned, and tells Victor to do what he wants.
Victor is a bit taken aback by the Doctor's reaction, but he prepares to absorb Elton. The Doctor remarks that the others might have something to say about it.
Ursula realises what the Doctor means, and she exhorts the other absorbees to pull. They start to stretch apart, and Victor drops his cane.
At Ursula's instruction, Elton breaks the cane, and Victor turns into a liquid which spreads across the ground. The liquid forms into Ursula's face, and she bids goodbye to Elton, before flowing away.
Elton's voice-over says that things weren't over as the Doctor still had more to say. He tells Elton that the night he saw him there was a shadow in Elton's house.
It was an elemental shade that had escaped from the Howling Halls. The Doctor was able to stop it, but not in time to save Elton's mother.
The scene changes back to Elton speaking into his video camera, and he sums things up. He says that he had a nice gang and they had a great time, but they were destroyed. He doesn't blame the Doctor, but says that sometimes that's what happens if you touch him.
Off-camera, Ursula's voice says that things aren't so bad because he's still got her. Elton goes on to explain that the Doctor was able to do one last thing.
We see the Doctor using his sonic screwdriver, and then in his flat, Elton produces the result. It's Ursula's face sticking out of a paving slab.
Ursula says that things could be worse, and it's actually quite peaceful. Elton says that it is a sort of relationship, and they even have a bit of a love life. Ursula says that they shouldn't go into that, and she's right, as this is a family show after all.
Elton looks into his camera one last time. He says that even though you're told as a child to grow up, get a job, and get married, the world is much stranger than that. It's darker, madder, and so much better.
Quotes
Bliss: What I'm trying to do is sum up the Doctor - what he means to us. What he could represent and what he should represent. And what he... never won't represent... sort of thing.
Mr Skinner: Oh it's amazing! You've achieved steps one to four in precise order! How did you manage it?
Elton: Well, I had to work very hard. She keeps everything very close to her chest.
Ursula: That's a hell of a chest.
Jackie: Let me tell you something. About those who get left behind. Because it's hard. And that's what you become, hard. But if there's one thing I've learnt, it's that I will never let her down. And I'll protect them both until the end of my life.
Elton: Great big absorbing creature from outer space, and you're having a go at me?
Victor: You see, I've read about you, Doctor. I've studied you. So passionate, so sweet. You wouldn't let an innocent man die. And I'll absorb him - unless you give yourself to me.
The Doctor: Sweet... maybe. Passionate... I suppose. But don't ever mistake that for nice.
Elton: And they were destroyed. It's not his fault. But maybe that's what happens if you touch the Doctor. Even for a second.
Elton: But what I wanted to say is... you know, when you're a kid, they tell you it's all, grow up. Get a job. Get married. Get a house. Have a kid, and that's it. Ah. But the truth is, the world is so much stranger than that. It's so much darker. And so much madder. ...And so much better.