This week’s destination was Mumbai, aka the
artist formerly known as Prince city formerly known as Bombay. With all the stress that legs set in India tend to pile onto the contestants, things were sure to be a challenge for both Nate/Jen and Ronald/Christina.
Both of these teams promised they would keep calm and not get into any major conflicts. If you believe they managed to do that, then I have an email from a Nigerian businessman I’d like to show you. Ronald even promised that Florence had transformed him into a new man; a “Renaissance man”. Oh dear, now I’m imagining Ron as the inspiration for the statue of David.
What a work of art!
But Kynt and Vyxsin prefer American Gothic
A flashback to last week reminded us that the Goths needed to amp up their game, thanks to a nasty little challenge called a Speedbump. They needed to work some airport magic and work it they did. The Goths went from counter to counter looking for the best flights as Nate and Jen watched them warily. “The Pinks are always up to mischief,” Jen said. I know! They’re checking different counters! What new trickery will those sneaky bastards come up with next?
Nicolas/Donald, Christina/Ronald and Nate/Jen all managed to get on the first flight out, leaving the Goths and the Hippies to fight for the next best flight. Kynt and Vyxsin’s counter-hopping proved successful when they found a flight that only landed twenty minutes after the other teams’.
With TK and Rachel only a few metres away from them, Kynt and Vyxsin knew they had to keep the secret flight all to themselves. They pretended to act upset. Not very well, mind you, but it’s not like the stoners noticed. Kynt called it performance art. How long until he whips out the white facepaint and does a mime routine?
Brilliant! Genius! A master-stroke! That smirk doesn't give you away at all, Kynt. The flight with the first three teams was delayed so the Goths landed first in Mumbai. Good going, guys! They had to make their way to a newsagent but as soon as they got there, they found it was closed until the morning. Ouch, guess that Speedbump’s going to be a lot bumpier than you were hoping for.
Whoa, man! Why's everything gone so hazy?
Are we watching the show through TK-vision?
On landing and hailing a rickshaw cab, Nate and Jen noticed a nasty smell. No, it wasn’t the stench of their decomposing relationship. Things got even stinkier for them when they found out about the hours-of-operation. The one team that was happy to learn of the bunching was the trailing Hippies.
"Sorry, Jen. Airplane food just doesn't agree with me."Morning came and all the teams eagerly collected their newspapers from the newsagent. They had to find an ad within that would tell them where they had to go next. Easy peasy; it’ll no doubt be opposite a full-page Travelocity ad.
All of the teams found the ad quickly, except for Nate and Jen. Yes, even the barely conscious guy who couldn’t find giant letters in a field managed to find it before Nate and Jen. It didn’t help that a dog kept trying to hump the two of them. It must have mistaken them for a couple of bitches. Easy mistake to make.
Nate briefly contemplates whether the dog would make a better girlfriend than Jen Finally, after much bickering, Nate and Jen managed to find the ad. By this point, the other teams had already reached the Detour. The choices were between pasting a six-part movie poster on a wall and stringing together a flower garland for a bridegroom.
Donald was confident the pasting option was the best because he had worked at a printer’s once upon a time. Geez, how many jobs has this guy had? Between this and the panning for gold, I’m beginning to wonder if one of the producers isn’t Donald’s brother. If next week’s Detour includes a bee-keeping option and Donald reveals that he just so happened to keep bees for a living, I’m calling shenanigans.
Ronald and Christina also chose to do the pasting. Seconds into it, it became clear that the thing that most needed pasting was Ronald’s mouth. He pasted the first poster too high, and then slipped back into Grandpa Simpson mode and shouted at Chris for giving him a crate that fell apart when he stood on it. When the local official told them the posters were not in alignment, Ronald turned his rage on him. Chris finally and firmly took charge and, lo and behold, they immediately did much better under her instructions.
TK and Rachel had their own edge when it came to the other Detour options. Rachel announced she was an expert in flowerology or whatever because she owns a flower shop in real life. Huh, and all this time I thought that was just a euphemism for growing suspicious-looking plants in her back garden.
Before the Goths could even think of even reading the Detour clue, they ran into the much-dreaded Speedbump. They had to complete a series of Yoga exercises. They eagerly dove into it and provided a show of what can only be called Goth-robics. Kynt found the Yoga more stimulating than calming because he couldn’t stop staring at Vyxsin’s contortions. See, Goths can be pervy bastards just like us.
Goddamit, Jen, stop acting like you're in a Suicide Girls photoshoot.
Look what you're doing to poor Kynt!This Speedbump cost them a fair bit of time but not enough to sink them quite yet. It allowed Nate and Jen to reach the Detour first but when the Goths arrived at the flower-stringing, they found the terrible twosome still there and embroiled in a typical fight.
Jen was having trouble with the flowers, much to Nate’s consternation. “You’re a girl, you should be able to do this,” he said, only to have Jen shoot back with “You’re a guy, you should be able to row.” It’s the battle of the sexes, as well as the battle of the (hopefully) soon-to-be-exes. Hey, at least each of them is doing their part to dissuade the other of gender stereotypes.
Kynt and Vyxsin, by contrast, were the picture of calm and collectedness. They strung their flowers without drama as Nate and Jen mocked each other for not being feminine/masculine enough. The Goths should point them in the direction of their Yogi, because if anyone needs spiritual peace, it’s them.
The other three teams had reached the Roadblock, as well as a U-Turn, which they all refused to use. The RB asked who had a strong back and good navigational skills. Nicolas claimed to have both, but I have my doubts about the latter as I remember his Lithuanian leg. I’m just glad he didn’t make the old man do the physical RB again.
Chris however was more than happy to let Ronald do the RB. He had to haul some tanks of propane on a bicycle and deliver it to some locals, all with a hernia. I detect a whiff of passive-aggressiveness in Chris’s decision to let Ron take this one. As it’s Ron we’re talking about, I don’t exactly mind.
TK was the first to deliver all the propane tanks and he and Rachel took first place. Phil awarded them a trip to the island of St Martin. TK and Rachel smiled as they tried to work out in their heads how close St Martin is to Jamaica. Not close enough to get ganja from, is the answer.
Nicolas and Donald cruised to second place without any further problems except for Nicholas suddenly coming down with nausea on the way to the Pit Stop. Maybe it’s Delhi Belly, or whatever the regional Mumbai equivalent is. Remember, you’re not supposed to drink the water.
Hey, that was my exact expression at the end of the episode when Nate and Jen stepped onto the matNick. Ron and Christina were third although that hernia is surely feeling the worse for wear.
That brings us to the epic battle between Nate/Jen and the Goths. Nate and Jen were the first to complete the Roadblock, but thanks to their bickering Kynt and Vyxsin kept close behind. Nate and Jen lost a bit of time when they tried to give their garland to an elephant instead of the groom. The elephant isn’t the one getting married. This isn’t Babar, you fools.
"OK, this is weird but at least I don't have to milk it."Nate and Jen then got stuck in traffic which actually allowed the Goths to pass them and reach the U-Turn first. Yay! I got up and did a little dance until I realised that they hadn’t actually U-Turned Nate and Jen. Instead, they foolishly chose to U-Turn Nicolas and Donald in the vague hope they were somewhere behind them. Nooooo! This was their first Very Big Mistake.
The second came during the Roadblock. Kynt and Jen were practically neck-and-neck throughout. Jen pulled slightly ahead but didn’t realise she was supposed to take receipts from the people she delivered the propane to. Unfortunately, the second woman she delivered to reminded her she was forgetting something and Jen was able to go back and get the receipt she’d missed while she was in the same building.
Even more unfortunately, Kynt was equally clueless when it came to keeping the receipts, only he only realised it when he was back at the Roadblock and the clue official told him his mistake. Kynt had to rush back to the building and get the receipts, but it was all over, despite some editing trickery to make it seem like the Goths had a shot.
Foul Nate and Jen hit the mat second-last, leaving the Big Friendly Goths to be eliminated. Aw man. I suddenly feel the need to cry bitter emo tears and go cut myself. Kynt and Vyxsin were optimistic about the whole experience and how much they had expanded their cultural horizons because of it. I never thought I’d be saying this before this race started, but I’ll miss our upbeat little Goths.
