Almost met my creator yesterday. I was standing waiting for the robot to open when some maniac decided to skip the robot at some crazy speed, lost control and headed straight for me. Didn't see him till he was within a meter of me and by then there was nowhere to run. He managed to swerve in time to avoid hitting me straight on, instead I hit his rearview mirror by the driver's side. Apart from a few scrapes and being sore, I'm feeling irie. I was a wreck after that, doing the whole self-pity thing, the what if's. I'm okay now and soooooooo grateful God spared my life, nana can't be an orphan, not anytime soon
Boyfriend had an HIV test yesterday, results are due on Friday. Today's my turn, in fact as soon as am done posting this blog am having my date with destiny. I've been putting off going for tests since husband died, didn't think I'd be able to handle any nasty surprises while having to grieve at the same time. The last time I had any tests was when he was still alive, I made it a point to know my status since finding out about his infidelities (with all due respect to the dead). Issues we were still dealing with when he met his untimely death. I was do for a follow up test around the time of his death and I just simply didn't go coz I was scared of what I'd find out. With him gone, where would I vent? Whom would I cross reference with? So ja, that was my excuse
I didn't sleep much last night, I think it was around 2am when I finally managed to shut my eyes. I stress too much and I was trying to think of the outcome and the reactions thereof. For one, it got me and boyfriend talking for once. We spoke about the fights we always have and how they are pushing me away and making me take a step back, we spoke about my fear of dad dying and him drinking again (I hadn't told anyone that he's back on the bottle except for y'all bloggers), we also spoke about the results of our tests and our reactions towards them. He's just so candid about everything, where does this man come from? He says he'll rejoice if the results are negative and he'll accept it if they are positive. Tunes he's not gonna point fingers nor be hard on himself or me coz *bleep!* happens. Instead he'll find a way of coping with the devastating news and be there for me coz I stress too much and he can't afford stirring up my heart condition
The thing is, boyfriend and I had an "incident" with the condom a couple of weeks ago which has been at the back of our minds since but no one mentioned anything about it. I guess we were in denial. Now, I am ish scared. Once I lift my tush from this chair and go to VCT, there's no turning back. Am not sure if I want the rapid one or the one that'll delay the inevitable. I'll be honest though, had he not initiated it, I would've kept brushing off that nagging thought at the back of my mind. I'm one of those ignorant cowards that keep saying I only wanna know my status when am on my deathbed. I guess am blessed to have a man who cares so much about his health and mine. I don't know how am gonna take it should I find out am positive, I can't afford a relapse - I've worked so hard.
Gotta go maBloggers