This week’s exotic destination was the country known as Lithuana to Nate, and Lithuania to everyone else in the world. After coming in second to Azaria and Hendekea last week, Nate and Jen were determined to take that ever elusive first place. “We have a ball of fire inside us,” Jen said. I hear Gaviscon helps with that kind of thing.
One thing was for sure – with all those fireballs rolling around inside Nate and Jen, there was no space for love and affection. Contrast this to Ronald and Christina, who constantly shower affection on one another. Well, Christina does. Ronald mostly just talks about pastries.
Kynt had a goth-gasm at the prospect of travelling to Lithuania. Ever since he was a wee lad, he’s wanted to travel to Romania or Transylvania. No doubt he’s watched Rocky Horror Picture Show a few too many times. Never mind that Romania is nowhere near Lithuania on a map. Any ‘ania’ will do, I suppose.
Jennifer, of the Brokedown Blondes, was still racked with guilt over having U-turned Jason and Florena in the last episode. Ye gods, you made them waste a bit of time. You didn’t send them to the Rack to be stretched. Shana was unrepentant, mostly because Jason and Florena were
dead gone, and they were still around. I agree with her. Put away the razors, Jennifer. There’s no need for self-cutting.
Time for airport shenanigans. The first team to hit the Air Paris offices was Ronald and Christina. No surprise that as soon as Christina tried to book a flight, Ronald was on her case telling her she was doing it wrong. “I’m teaching her to be able to deal with different people,” he explained. She’s certainly learning to deal with pompous, hyper-critical jackasses, at least.
That'd probably be my reaction to these fools walking into my office tooDespite having booked first, Ronald and Christina ended up on the latest flight. Donald and Nicolas were the next to arrive at Air Paris HQ and tried to oh-so-covertly book the earliest connection. As soon as the other teams walked in, Nicolas told the travel agent to book them later flights. “We can hear you,” Hendekea deadpanned. Don’t look for Nicolas to be replacing Daniel Craig as 007 any time soon.
Nicolas’ career as a suave secret agent was dealt a further blow when Azaria and Hendekea managed to snatch the last couple of seats on the flight they wanted. Even worse was the fact that after they were forced to book a later flight, Nate and Jen somehow managed to get another couple of seats on the earlier 1:25 flight, hanging on to the wing or something.
Shana and Jennifer were also doing the spy thing. As they were booking their tickets, Shana asked a couple of other teams whether they could bugger off out the office so that their seats would remain a secret. Jennifer was all “WTF was that? Make everyone hate us why dontcha.” And now I’m on Jennifer’s side. Following the ‘take no prisoners’ strategy is all well and good but why the hell should you antagonise other teams for pointless ‘advantages’ that aren’t actually advantages at all.
Jennifer does not approve this fuckerySigh. I miss the BQs. They played hard and ruthlessly but they also played smart. They also didn’t whine all the time about what other teams thought of them either like some people.
The three flights all arrived in Lithuania within an hour-and-a-half time period. Fun fact I learned from this episode: The Lithuanian word for “thank you” is something like “atchoo”. The Lithuanians are an allergy-prone people.
The first destination was a place called St Anne’s church. You’ll be happy to know that Kynt doesn’t subscribe to the belief that talking really loudly to a non-English speaker makes you more understandable. Instead he thinks that asking for directions in an odd Faux-English accent works better than using his normal accent.
The route to St Anne’s was rather confusing. Shana and Jennifer drove off in the wrong direction and almost got totalled by a bus. Cue the freaking out and bickering. Come on, that bus didn’t even hit ya. Change your pants and get back to work.
Christina wisely decided to do the old ‘pay a taxi driver to go there and follow him’ trick. Ronald smiled and gave her kudos. I fell off my chair in shock. Now it feels like I’ve been hit by a bus.
First task was a Roadblock. One racer from each team had to find and deliver a package to a local, all with similar-sounding names like Olga, Tolga and Egle. Nicolas must have been confused about all the Polgas and Dolgas running around because he was the first to arrive at the RB, yet the last to finish.
Gratuitous product placement for Honest Olga's Carpet EmporiumThe task called for a good listener, so who better to do it than Ronald? He does seem to listen to people, as long as they aren’t his daughter, so he zoomed through the task pretty quickly. Nate called Jen a good listener so she took on the task for them. Listening is the last thing I’d want to be good at if I was dating either of those two yahoos.
"I love you, you emasculating shrew.""I love you too, you pathetic excuse for a man."Still lost were Shana and Jennifer who were driving around in circles. Jennifer suggested Shana stop the car and ask someone but Shana argued that it would waste time. Yes, let’s not cut into that all important driving-around-like-clueless-morons time. Eventually Shana asked a local for directions and they were off to St Anne’s.
The next destination was clearly chosen by the sadistic producers because of its damn near unpronounceable name. The nearest approximation I can get is Lituvus Wargarble Whatsit. This is Lithuanian for “Land of the Product Placement Gnomes”. Teams had to find a Travelocity gnome among its surly Lithuaninan cousins.
That gnome is totally plotting to go Chucky on them and kill 'em allThe teams were happier with carrying a gnome around with them than a chicken because at least the gnome was “a lot easier to care for than the chicken”. Eh, I prefer the chicken. At least it wasn’t a product-placed Rainbow Farms chicken or anything.
After the field of gnomes lay a Detour – teams either had to count fence poles or walk on stilts to a finish line. Both options were at the same location, and a variety of festival-types pranced around in outlandish costumes. Kynt and Vyxsin had another goth-gasm at the thought of being around others who enjoy dressing up and looking ridiculous. Except I’m way more impressed with the locals’ costumes than I am with emo-black lipstick and hair the colour of Vanish liquid.
Is that a Furry?Stilt-walking is not easy, as teams like the Goths, TK/Rachel and Ronald/Christina quickly learned. The Goths abandoned their stilt-walking for counting posts but lost a chunk of their lead in the process, which allowed the Hippies to sneak a first place ahead of them. They won a trip to Japan and were so excited you’d think someone had snuck ecstasy in their weed.
Separated at birth:
the greeter and the gnome Ronald and Christina wasted quite a bit of time on the stilts, and at one point, Ronald took a nasty and painful-looking fall. Ouch. I don’t like to see old folks take faceplants, even if it is Ronald doing the planting. Luckily, Ronald was A-Ok, and his hernia hadn’t exploded from the strain.
The three teams in danger of being eliminated were Donald/Nick, Nate/Jen and the Brokedown Blondes. You’d think counting would be a breeze but none of these teams exactly inspired much confidence in their counting abilities. Nicolas accidentally counted gate posts even though the clue explicitly said not to. Jennifer proudly proclaimed she was good at counting but apparently aint that great when she runs out of fingers and toes.
Nate and Jen had the worst job of it, mostly because Jen’s strategy to get the counting done quickly was to repeatedly scream “Don’t get distracted!” at Nate in a shrill and distracting voice. Counting is supposed to be good for anger management but it didn’t work with Nate, who snapped and called Jen a bitch before launching into a tirade about how she was the most horrible woman in the world. Feel the love.
"It's like looking into a mirror."In the end, it was Shana and Jennifer whose counting let them down the most. Teary-eyed, they checked in at the Pit Stop only to be told they were outta there. They were proud of what they’d accomplished throughout the race. If you’re wondering exactly what those accomplishments were, here’s a short list:
• Taught the villagers of Bingo how to hoochie dance
• Eliminated Jason and Florena (OK, that one I’m on board with)
• Showed the world that lipgloss alone cannot hide how busted a typical Hollywood Barbie looks without makeup
• Made me miss the BQs something fierce
• Somehow wanked a female camel
I don’t know about you but I’m impressed.