This week’s destination: Ouagadougou, which is almost as much fun to spell as it is to say. C’mon, say it with me. Ouagadougou. The racers found this ever-so-slightly difficult to say and we got our first set of mangled pronunciations of the season.
Just before the teams got to learn of Ouagadoogiehowser, a short Pit Stop sequence informed us that Ronald had gotten a hernia due to
the sweet, sweet touch of karma exerting himself riding the bakfiets.
Just like people who almost die tend tend to come back with a different world view, Ronald’s hernia appears to have made a new man of him. He was very willing to admit what a hosebeast he’d been to Christina and was desperate to change his ways. What’s more, he may have actually done so, at least for this episode. We’ll see if he gets his Jekyll on in later episodes when he and Christina are once again doing badly.
We also learned that Vyxsin is the dude in the Kynt/Vyxsin relationship. Yeah, we kinda already got that, guys. Vyxsin described herself as “chivalrous”. Ooh, like a knight. She’s Sir Mopesalot.
There was only one flight to Ouagieboogiewoogie and it departed from Paris. Nathan and Jennifer were the only ones who were able to book earlier tickets to Paris. The rest of the teams were all on a slightly later flight. This almost sunk them when the captain announced that the plane was experiencing a “slight mechanical problem”. Oh god, there’s something on the wing! Will Jen and Nate automatically win if the gremlins kill the other teams?
The plane finally took off and landed in Paris but getting on the daily Ouagadoughnut flight was tight. Nate and Jen watched the airplane doors like hawks but just as they were about to pop open the champagne, the other teams boarded in the nick of time. Jen told them all how glad she was they made it with all the sincerity of a used car salesman.
Welcome to Africa, racers. Azaria and Hendekea interviewed about how excited they were to be in Africa. Ah yes, I was waiting for the obligatory “Motherland, yay!” ra ra. The siblings revealed that they were from Ethiopia and that they felt like they were home. And not to rain on their homecoming parade but take a look at where Ethiopia is on a map compared to Burkina Faso.
Shana and Jennifer were not so pleased to touch down in the Motherland. Their cabbie seemed as if he wasn’t going to give them the right change and the locals were looking at ‘em funny. “Where are we going?” Shana wondered. Jennifer, who had noticed the shifty inhabitants of darkest Africa, had the reply: “to be sold for people for money”. I think it’s time to lay off the Wilbur Smith novels, girls.
To top off their near-brush with white slavery, their cabbie stiffed them on the change. “Bon voyage,” he said as they walked away, disgusted. I doubt it’s quite so bon for them now, thanks to you. Not that I’m complaining, mind you.
The next part of the leg was to take place in a tiny village in the middle of nowhere, known as Bingo. That’s an even better name than Ouagadougou, I reckon, although not as much fun to say. There was only one train leaving in the morning so all teams were once again on equal footing.
The Official TAR Bingo Game
On the train, the Blondes once again showed their appreciation for the people of Burkina Faso. “What’s that smell? A new perfume?” they said disdainfully of the aroma. Then, while giving locals the stink-eye, they said of the clothes “Salon D’Afrique”. See, the girls prefer to shop at the far more high-end Boutique D’bimbo, located right up their own arses.
"HAHAHA, making fun of people's poverty is SOOOO FUNNY!!"
"Bitches, please. Do not make me tear out your ratty ass, friend-blonde extensions."A happy surprise awaited us, the viewers, at Bingo: a Roadblock featuring finicky animals. The chosen Roadblocker had to milk a grumpy camel until they filled up a bowl, and then they had to down the fresh milk. Ew, that stuff is unpasteurised.
Lorena took one look at her camel and immediately burst into tears. She could barely stand to look at the camel, so afraid was she. Camels! Those murderous beasts! Not enough is said about the dangers of camels. In some unenlightened cultures, children pay to ride them on beaches and at barnyards. In fact, .0000006 percent of humpy-animal-related deaths come as a result of children falling off of camels’ backs and being eaten alive by said camels.
"Boo!"
"OMGOMGOMG I'M GONNA DIE PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!!"
Azaria did not freak out but went the whole other way, feeling up his camel. I know you’re basically dealing with camel nips, Azaria, but I don’t think you need to put on a little Barry White and pour the camel some wine. The camel did not appreciate being molested by a strange man and stubbornly refused to let him have her milk.
Other camels that refused to put out were Jennifer’s (of Team Blonde) and Julia’s. Considering Jennifer’s milking technique looked like something she’d learned from a porn movie, I’m not surprised she didn’t get much milk. Jennifer, it’s a girl camel, not a boy camel!
The other teams’ camels were far more open to some Americans getting fresh with them. Vyxsin’s camel was gentle enough not to bolt (or burst out laughing) at the sight of her and Christina can handle practically any obstinate creature after having to deal with her dad for so long. Even Nathan had better luck with his camel than he’d had with his demon donkey from the first episode.
Got Milk?Even when they’d finished chugging, the teams were not free of camels. They had to lead a pack of them to some waiting nomads for their next clue. Ronald and the camels got along positively swimmingly, on account of their shared stench (as per Ronald). Figures he gets along better with stubborn, irritating animals than he does with people.
Once again, Ronald was proven wrong and Christina was proven right when he advocated following some other teams to the nomads while she didn’t. The other teams got lost and Ronald conceded that he should have listened to his daughter. Progress! One of these days he might actually listen to her first time round instead of wishing he had later on.
Back at Camel Hell, the four trailing teams were up *bleep!* creek without a paddle. Literally, in the case of Julia, whose camel was giving her crap instead of milk. What’s more, Jennifer, Azaria, Julia and Lorena’s camels had run out of milk. Lorena further descended into Flo-mode. Stop it, Lorena. You’ll scare the
horses camels.
A visual representation of Marianna and Julia's luck this episodeThe Roadblockers were forced to switch camels just to squeeze out a few more drops of milk. Azaria was the first to coax enough milk from his camel and he and Hendekea made quick work of the camel-leading. They went the right way the first time and as a result, made up a lot of grounds on the lost teams.
The Detour was a choice between teaching some village kids ten English words and learning ten words in the local language. Most teams chose to take their fates into their own hands and picked the learning. I would do the same. Sure, kids learn better than adults but you never know whether you’ll get the village boffin or the slow kid who eats his own boogers.
Some, like Kynt and Vyxsin, chose to teach kids about the wonders of cowboys and motorcycles. Ronald thought they’d learn better with a few charades thrown in and mimicked King Kong to teach them ‘skyscraper’. I’m sure King Kong is among their top ten DVDs, Ronald. Nathan and Jen spent as much time snapping at each other as they did teaching the kids. You’re supposed to be teaching them English, not dysfunctional romantic relationships, you dumbasses.
A storm came up out of nowhere as the front-running teams completed their schooling. Phil stood smugly under an umbrella. Azaria and Hendekea impressed mightily by coming in first at the Pit Stop. Sibling power! The next four teams arrived in a big clump.
Camel Hell. Jennifer was the next person to complete her milking, which left Florena and Julia battling it out. Florena cursed the name of Camel-kind and generally made a camel’s ass of herself while Julia managed to finally come away with enough milk. In a moment of generosity which would come back to haunt her, Julia shouted some advice at Florena as she ran off: “Go for the camels with babies nursing”. Hush yo’ mouth, fool! My ears beg you to shut the hell up and let Florena fail!
Florena took Julia’s advice and the camel co-operated. Florena was suddenly sweetness and light. For some reason, I am skeptical this will continue throughout the race. Just slightly in front of them, Marianna and Julia said something about how the competition was on and they had to look out for themselves. THEN WHY DID YOU HELP FLORENA??!! Ye gods, you couldn’t have given her some bad advice? “The camels react better if you scream profanities in their ears and slap them on the nose.”
Because this show hates me, Jason and Florena were able to catch up to the Sisters. The last few minutes were a tense affair as the two teams battled to complete their learning Detours first. Jason and Florena completed them just ahead of the Sisters and, as the winds blew dramatically, a hectic footrace to the Pit Stop took place.
JULIA: Dude, I think we might be in trouble
MARIANNA: Why do you say that?
JULIA: Just a feeling...
I’d had a premonition that Julia and Marianna were going to be eliminated this episode and I am not happy to report my budding psychic powers were on target. Jason and Florena landed on the mat and I suffered a Florena-style meltdown of my own, shouting “Why? Why?! WHHHYYY??!!” at the heavens as lightning came down around me.
What, you were expecting the nerve-shredding, screechy couple to get eliminated over the lovely sisters? Have you ever seen this show before? If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to find out if any nearby restaurants sell camel burgers.