The first episode of
The Amazing Race 12 introduced us to the most stubborn, braying asses you could possibly imagine. And those were just the contestants. Let’s not even mention the donkeys.
The racers were more than glad to be saying goodbye to the devilish donkeys of Ireland and hello to Amsterdam. Hippies TK and Rachel were especially happy to be going to the Dutch capital. “Bitchin,” was Rachel’s reaction as she dreamed of the very special coffee shops which sell very special cigarettes..
Kynt and Vyxsin (you have no idea how much it pains me to type those idiotic names out. Three paragraphs in and I already need a drink) were similarly pleased to go to such a liberal place where the locals wouldn’t roll their eyes at them nearly as much as anywhere else in the world. Vyxsin said that running the race was an experience of constantly being in the dark. “But we like the dark,” she finished. Please, Hello Kitty is darker than you.
On the way to the airport, we got more insight into generic blondes Shana and Jennifer. The poor babies haven’t been able to indulge in their weekly facials but they remain tougher than ever. Even when Shana was having trouble with her brights, she did not freak out but remained calm while wondering whether she was an idiot. “She asks that a lot,” Jennifer confirmed. Oh, I’ll bet.
Kate and Pat, professional lesbian ministers (I mean church ministers, not that they’re heading up the governmental Department of Lesbiosity or anything), confirmed what I always suspected; that God doesn’t give a crap about reality shows. See, annoyingly religious TAR types? He doesn’t care! Straight from the minister’s mouth! So stop pretending he’s going to help you complete that Detour!
It’s a pity the ministers didn’t turn their sage, lesbionic counsel to Ronald and Christina, who were having words with one another. Most of the words seemed to come from Ronald and involved unnecessary criticism of his daughter. Pat and Kate gave “Oh Gawd, can you believe this?” looks to the camera which I found myself emulating all throughout the episode.
Gotten a feel for a few of the racers? Good because it was time for an exciting airport sequence. The first few teams to the airport were able to book a flight from Dublin to Amsterdam but the other teams were left hanging when they landed in Dublin. The Onalds and their respective progeny rushed to the desk to try and book stand-by tickets for that flight to Amsterdam. The problem was that there were only two seats left.
Nicolas got all pushy Yank at the ticket lady while Ronald looked on disapprovingly from the other counter. As they waited for word on which of them would get the last couple of stand-by tickets, Ronald approached Nicolas and gave him the kind of tongue-lashing he normally reserves for his own daughter. Nicolas didn’t care and the whole thing ended with Ronald old-man-ranting about earwax and boogers. Lordy, he’s Grandpa Simpson brought to life.
"Boogers, boogers!"Karma may not like pushy Yank behavior but she apparently hates crazy, ranting old blowhards more because it was Nicolas and Donald who got the last seats on the flight. Ronald/Christina, Marianna/Julia and Kate/Pat were left waiting for a later flight.
Old man fight! First one to break a hip loses.On arriving in Amsterdam, the teams faced their first Detour. One choice was to search through loads and loads of bikes until they found two correctly colour-coded ones to ride to their next clue. The other choice was to haul a set of furniture up a building to a high window and hope a grand piano didn’t fall, Looney Tunes style.
Azaria worried he would be crushed like Wile E. Coyote by the aforementioned piano. Vyxsin was confident of her knot-tying skills because she practises the unholy art of macramé. Hardcore. When she tried to put her macramé skills creds into action, she found she could not tie a knot to save her life. Oh no! All those hours spent threading together skull-shaped sweaters had failed her!
TK too found himself in a knotty situation, and not just because hippies and manual labour don’t mix. He could just not get the hang of tying a knot strong enough to hold the TV he was working with. Maybe if the rope had been made of hemp, he’d have had better luck with it.
Surprisingly, Shana was one of the contestants to do well with the heavy lifting. After she’d hauled her assigned furniture up to the window, she collapsed on the street and declared dramatically, “I need a chiropractor.” She stepped on my line which would have been “I need a spa treatment”. Luckily, she had with her some energising lip gloss, laced with Red Bull and crack.
Like Popeye's spinach but shinier,
One bus trip later, the leading teams were at the Roadblock. “Who’s feeling acrobatic,” the clue read. Kynt was certain the Roadblock involved a nearby sheep. Er, sheep-juggling? A cheerleading routine with the sheep?
"I think we have to do something with that sheep."
"Baaaaa, get away from me, you poem-reciting pansy! This isn't Australia, you know."
The sheep was not involved however. The chosen Roadblocker had to pole-vault across a muddy ditch, and I do mean muddy. I wonder if sexy mud-wrestling will be involved.
This led to many scenes of people failing to clear the ditch and ending up face-down in the mud. Unfortunately, this also led to Donald stripping down to his underwear. AIIIIEEEEE!!!! This is not what I meant when I mentioned sexy mud-wrestling!
If you want my body / And you think I'm sexy / Come on baby, tell me soWhile Donald thrilled randy pensioners across the country, the teams which had already completed their Roadblocks got to go on a trip to the Pit Stop on a cargo bicycle known as a ‘bakfiets’. Uh, an assbike? Afrikaans-speakers, help me out here. What’s the Dutch mean? Clearly, my Afrikaans is failing me.
The three trailing teams had only just arrived at the Detour and had decided to do the bikes. Ronald turned into Debbie Downer and lamented how badly they were doing so Christina encouraged him to be optimistic.
Now Grandpa Simpson wasn’t going to let a comment like this go, so after they’d found the bikes, he chose that moment to criticise his daughter and tell her how disappointed he was in her performance. OMG, how DARE she be optimistic?! Christina looked dejected as Grandpa Simpson once again ranted about boogers and her general uselessness. Poor girl. Can’t Pat and Kate adopt her? They seem nice and not nearly as obsessed with snot.
A tearful Christina did tell off her dad and pleaded with him not to mercilessly pour scorn upon her every action. Ronald said he’d try but it wasn’t easy. It sure wasn’t because as soon as they got to the Roadblock, he was back to carping at her about her pole-vaulting technique.
Oh god, time for the fifteen minute long speech on how Christina's balancing technique is flawed Somehow Christina managed to resist sticking the pole somewhere where the sun don’t shine and they scurried to the bakfiets to try and avoid last place. Ronald called her fat and the bike fell over. Stop encouraging him, bike! They did manage to avoid last place by quite a large margin, leaving Kate and Pat as the inevitable eliminees.
I'd make a Katy Perry joke here but I'm way too sadKate and Pat spent their last few moments of screentime being adorably sweet and sending encouraging and positive vibes of love each other’s way. This made it all the more sad when they stepped on the mat and were told they had been eliminated. Awwww, man. Sure, they were cannon fodder from the start but that doesn’t make me any less bummed they’re gone.