What an episode! What an ending! In a tense and tightly-edited finale, the blandly good-looking, buff Alpha team of interchangeable males beat the blandly good-looking, buff Alpha bickering couple team!
Wait, didn’t we already see this episode? Multiple times? I have to confess, despite my well-documented Lyn dislike, I was rooting for them so that the ending wouldn’t quite turn out to be Generic TAR Ending no. 53.
The usual slew of “Why we must win this” comments from teams ushered us into the final leg. Rob and Kimberly said they were going to have to learn to work together to be able to win it. I’m sure half the viewing audience gave up any hopes of them winning after that statement.
Lyn and Karlyn were happy to be the first female team to get to the finals but wanted to go one step further and become the first female team to win the race. Like Hillary Clinton in reality show mode! And not to spoiler or anything, but the Lyns’ journey pretty much ended the same way Hillary Clinton’s did – badly.
The Zoolanders’ opinions on their chances of winning the race were…oh who knows. Thirteen episodes on and the only thing I know about these two is their former druggieness and that one’s more assertive than the other. I can’t even remember what they said about potentially winning the race so just pretend it involved the joy of being able to purchase lots and lots of shiny things.
For the first time ever, the final leg did not take place mostly in North America but instead took place in Paris. The first destination was a little-known place called the Eiffel Tower. Off to Barcelona’s airport with the teams!
Rob and Kimberly managed to book the last couple of seats on an early flight and tried to break the world record for Smug. Wipe those smirks off, guys. Ten minutes into the episode is no time to already be mentally spending your prize money.
Then we got possibly the first hint of major drama with the Zoolanders. James was pissed off that Tyler hadn’t taken his advice and gone off to check the Internet while waiting for the flight desk to open. Tyler asked him why the hell he didn’t say anything. He did, Tyler! He met his weekly quota of words and everything!
James protested that he had said something and Tyler wondered why he hadn’t spoken louder. It would have jeopardized his chances of getting into mime school. Give him a break. Anyway, Tyler pointed out, there was nothing they could have done on the Internet anyway. Updating one’s Facebook account is not nothing, Tyler!
If you’re worried about the boys’ relationship, don’t be. It’s not called Gay Paree for nothing. As soon as Tyler and James landed in the City of Love, they had made up and were back to their normal boring selves.
Lyn and Karlyn played it smart once again and took a flight which landed at
O RLY Orly airport rather than Charles De Gaulle. Orly was closer to the Eiffel Tower and the Lyns decided to take a taxi instead of the train. Their driver navigated the roads expertly because, as Karlyn said, “He can feel the importance oozing from us.” Does importance usually ooze? Self-importance maybe.
The Lyns oozed their way to the Eiffel Tower first but the other two teams managed to catch up on the train ride to their next destination, the town of Caen. There they had to complete a sky-diving Roadblock onto the beaches of Normandy.
The contestants skydived and no-one died. Kimberly did manage an impressive wipeout afterwards while running to get her next clue. I’ve always thought TAR could be improved by having more people fall flat on their faces. Perhaps I shall write to the producers about this.
It looked like Fate had it in for Rob and Kimberly in even more ways than one. They went to the post office to exchange money some time before their train was due to depart back to Paris but the train came early and they missed it. Sure, they caught up to the Lyns and Zoolanders at the next train stop but the two minutes in which it looked like they were stuffed were two minutes of bliss.
Back in Paris, the teams had to choose between “Art” and “Fashion”. The teams all went for the Fashion Detour option and had to cut up and sew a jacket in an infinitely less talented version of Project Runway.
The Zoolanders were more than happy to do this because of their experience with getting fitted at model shows. Please, like standing still and getting poked with pins is comparable to making an actual item of clothing. I go to the hairdresser’s regularly but that doesn’t mean I can give someone a haircut.
They were the first to complete the Detour however so maybe they learned something by osmosis while they were standing around getting poked with pins. The Lyns were less successful because, according to them, they had a Fashion Gestapo judging them. The woman is a French fashionista; of course she’s strict! The Lyns should be glad she didn’t spit in their faces because of their inferior work.
Project Runway's Christian Siriano assesses the contestants' workWith the Detour completed, the teams’ next clue told them to fly to their last destination – New York. That means that three-quarters of the episode was essentially pointless but what’s a bit of pointlessness in a reality show?
Now, the last part of the episode – in other words, the only part of the episode that ended up mattering. At Charles De Gaulle, Rob and Kim snagged the last seats on am 8:25 am flight to NY. The Zoolanders were stuck on the waiting list. The Lyns decided to book their flights at the Orly airport because it was closer but were buggered by Fate when they were told they couldn’t get on a waiting list for the 8:25am flight at that airport
When Rob and Kimberly found out they were the only ones on the earliest flight, the Smug re-emerged. “We’re going to win,” Rob announced confidently, not realising that there were still ten minutes of episode left and he had just booked second place with that comment. Sure enough, Tyler and James managed to get on the same flight at the last moment.
The Lyns watched that flight, as well as any hopes they had of winning, leave. “I’ve starved so much on this race, I’m not even a fat lady so I’m not singing,” Lyn joked, just before she and Karlyn slipped into total irrelevance. At least they got to go out with a joke. Now where’s that angel with its new wings?
New York, New York. The Zoolanders’ taxi driver knew exactly where their next destination was but Rob and Kimberly’s did not, so the latter team decided they would play Spy vs. Spy and follow that taxi. A chase scene ensued. Think Bond only with fewer bullets, gadgets, stunts or suggestively-named women. What it did have was lots and lots of dramatic music. My nerves! Eventually the Zoolanders cab lost the Rob and Kimberly cab at a toll road.
At the next Route Marker, the Zoolanders learned they were going to have to run thirty blocks to a boxy statue in East Village called The Alamo. That’s right, feel the burn! The Zoolanders jogged and tried not to die. I felt sorrier for the cameramen. Can you imagine lugging all that heavy equipment after the teams? I hope they hit up Jerry Bruckheimer for a big raise after this.
At the precariously-balanced boxy statue, they received their last clue – drive to some snooty academy called St Basil’s and cross that finish line. The Zoolanders were clearly ahead so the editors tried to inject a bit of suspense. Tyler and James’ taxi-driver didn’t quite know where the Pit Stop was while Rob and Kimberly’s seemed much more on top of it.
Would the Zoolanders’ car accidentally drive 300 km in the entire wrong direction? They resigned themselves to their fate and said (for the umpteenth time this episode) that it was all up to God. This is new . When did they become Models 4 Jesus? The editors couldn’t have found the time to squeeze this whole third aspect of their personalities onto the show?
In the Rob/Kimberly car, Rob was telling us, “This is agony” just as there was a close-up shot of Kimberly’s face looking kind of busted. Unintentionally humorous editing, how I love thee.
Cue shots of the finish line. Cue shots of former contestants (75 % of which seemed to be either of the BQs or Kentucky). Cue the Zoolanders running up to the finish mat. Cue Phil’s “Tyler and James, you are the winners of The Amazing Race.”
This is totally going in their portfolios. Can't you just see this in a Mr Price catalogue or something?The Zoolanders embraced as
they tried to mentally work out how many pounds of blow one million dollars would buy the enormity of what Phil had just said hit them. He allowed them a product-placed phonecall to their families to tell them the good news and we got to see James’ bald, pony-tailed dad with the wicked owl-brows. He looks like a character. Why couldn’t he have gone on the show instead?
Rob and Kimberly ran up a short while later. I’d love to tell you their final words but I was too distracted by Kimberly’s massive, stone-hard nipples to pay attention. I believe Rob talked about how much he loved Kimberly and how spending all this time with her proved she really was the one for him.
Phil turned to Kimberly and asked, “I know you were looking forward to having a big rock on your finger.” Why? She’s already got a pair of them in her chest.
Can't sleep, nipples will eat me!When the Lyns eventually ran up, Kentucky were noticeably more pleased. They’d be able to get back their “Friends in low places” T-shirt at last. The Lyns were proud to have made it this far and shown their kids just what they could achieve if they put their minds to it. There may have been a butterfly metaphor involved. It was sweet and I wish we’d gotten to see this version of the Lyns in the race rather than the judgmental prats we did see.
Last words from Tyler had to involve drugs. It was his hook (no pun intended) to get on the show after all. The Amazing Race was like a blur to him. In fact, his entire life was like a blur to him ever since he’d gotten off drugs. Funny, you’d think that it would be the other way around. He was grateful and could barely believe how well life was finally going.
“I haven’t just won The Amazing Race, I feel like I’ve won the game of life.”
Season 12 is going to be ten teams sitting around a table playing thisI prefer Monopoly myself, to be quite honest. Remember, kids. Stay in school! Don’t do drugs! And try not to land on streets with hotels already on them!