With only four teams remaining, there was one topic that weighed heavily on everyone’s minds. No, not the upcoming final leg. I’m talking about the BQs.
It seems the BQs have acquired legendary status among their fellow teams. They are no longer a pair of charming, toothy blondes who race hard and aren’t in it to make friends. The Lyns think they’re evil personified. Rob and Kimberly think they’re vicious backstabbers who’d sell their mothers for an advantage. The Zoolanders think they’re the toughest, hardest-to-beat competitors ever to walk the earth.
And if anyone in the audience still thought the BQs were normal human beings, an intense action shot of them intensely drinking cokes with intensity burning brightly and intensely in their eyes hammered it home. These girls are seriously hardcore. They are more hardcore than a metal guitarist having dental surgery without anaesthesia, all while bungee jumping off Mount Everest. Naked.
In this season of difficult-to-spell destinations, this week’s of Ouarzazade is my favourite simply because it would make a killer Scrabble word. Ouarzazade is in Morocco, a country which Dustin confessed to having written a paper on. So that’s one destination the BQs actually know the location of, believe it or not. Later on while trying to book a flight to Casablanca, they further proved they also knew that Milan was in Italy.
As if the BQs’ sudden attack of geographical competency wasn’t enough to have you reaching for the smelling salts, the Lyns, while trying to remember what language people in Morocco speak, made a joke. I know! I didn’t believe it either but their mouths were turned upward at the corners. Every time the Lyns show a sense of humour, an angel drops dead from shock.
They immediately got back to acting like the sour sows we all know and love when they started complaining about the BQs’ arrogance. Not arrogant. HARDCORE!! I’m making devil horns as I type.
The BQs got a tight connection flight to Casablanca wile all the other teams managed to get a later one. There was only one flight to Ouarzazade however so no team had any advantage. When he and Kimberly had booked his flight, Rob decided to have a little fun and trick the BQs into believing he had managed to get an earlier flight to Ouarzazade. Yes, I remember when that strategy worked so well for the Wins. I would have laughed my ass off if this had prompted the BQs to somehow find some obscure flight that got to Ouarzazade seven hours earlier than everyone else’s.
The BQs looked positively horrified that there was an earlier flight of which they were completely unaware, until Rob confessed laughingly that he had made that flight up and he was just messing with them. The BQs laughed madly away before beating Rob to death with his own backpack. Na, the BQs would never do that. They are as merciful as they are mighty.
The BQs then jetted off to Milan, leaving the teams to talk even more about them in their absence. Obsessive fixation? What’s that? In Milan, the BQs’ super tight connecting flight screwed them over when they arrived at the check-in counter forty-five minutes before the flight instead of the required fifty. The Blondes begged and pleaded but the airline employee was firm – no flight for you. Oh come on! In Madagascar, the Lyns managed to get on a flight that was already fully boarded and the BQs can’t get on one because they’re five minutes later than they should be? Fascists!
The flight flew off without the BQs on board and we were left wondering whether they would be able to get a flight to Casablanca on time. Like it was any suspense at all. We all know that if there weren’t any flights available, they’d just find an idle Boeing and fly it there themselves.
Also wondering whether the BQs would be able to make it were the other teams, chilling in Casablanca. The Zoolanders especially looked ready to burst a blood vessel at the first sign of blonde hair. As the flight prepared to board and there was no sign of blinding white teeth anywhere, the teams relaxed and believed that they were finally free of the demon Barbies.
But BQ powers are strong and mysterious so they were already there waiting in the plane, laughing about what the other teams’ reactions were going to be. It was never explained quite how they got to Casablanca at the last minute so I can only assume cross-Atlantic swimming was involved.
What a surprise it was! Just like a cockroach in a takeaway meal! Rob said he was “literally crushed” to see them. His luggage must have fallen on top of him while he was trying to put it in the overhead baggage compartment.
No captions this week because I had pretty much the same reaction to everything.Lyn rightly pointed out that risking a really tight early connection to catch the same flight as every other team was a strategically dumb move. True, but they probably did it on purpose, just for shits and giggles. They’re
that hardcore.
In Ouarzazade, the teams had to find a shop where four lucky amulets (to be presented to Phil at the end of the leg for possible goodies) were waiting for them. The BQs paid a taxi driver to take them there. The Zoolanders and Rob/Kimberly were happy to follow. For people who complain about the BQs’ style of racing so much, these guys sure are happy to benefit from their work.
Even with the taxi driver, they were lost so the BQs stopped to ask for directions. A random bunch of people came out of the shadows and surrounded them. Ooh, will we be seeing a street fight? The Zoolanders and Rob/Kimberly sped off, leaving the girls to be torn apart by the mob. Luckily, the mob was of a gentle, flower-picking kind rather than a vicious, bloodthirsty kind and the girls were able to convince one of them to lead them the right way. He failed miserably and got them hopelessly lost. Bloody mob.
The Lyns, showing some really savvy racing this leg, had consulted a map before they landed and managed to find the shop firs. They nearly broke their faces from grinning so hard when they learned that there was a Yield up ahead. They practically skipped out of the shop as visions of yielded BQs danced in their head.
As giddy as children on Christmas Day, the Lyns announced their plans to Yield a certain blonde twosome. Lyn nattered on about Karma and gleefully proclaimed, “What goes around comes around”. I think people like Flo or Freddy and Kendra winning proves that Karma is about as non-existent on this show as pronunciation skills.
Or maybe Karma does care about the race and has a twisted sense of humour because when the Lyns got to the film studio where their next Route Marker was located, they couldn’t get in because of the hours of operation. De-NIED! Heh.
Despite getting to the film studio last, the BQs were spared a gentle buggering from Karma. The next morning, it was the Lyns who were once again running at the back of the pack. Both the Zoolanders and Rob/Kimberly chose not to Yield anyone but the BQs, who were third to the Yield, were not quite so
wussy generous. They were more than happy to Yield the annoying Alabamans. Hey, Lyn was right! What goes around
does come around!
The Lyns raged about how this was typical BQ bad behaviour, conveniently forgetting their plans to Yield the BQs just a few hours before. They fumed as the other teams did a Roadblock straight out of Ben Hur. The Roadblockers had to grab a couple of flags while riding a chariot.
At one point, one of the chariots lost a wheel and crashed and I wondered if Rob’s car curse even extended to chariots. It turned out to be a stunt chariot without a racer in it, there to provide a bit of atmosphere. Good thing too. I don’t think you get spares on chariots.
The BQs were the first to finish and Karlyn, showing some of that good sportsmanship for which she is so famous, gave them the finger. Lyn told her not to do that. I really wish Lyn was paired with pretty much any other partner because she’d be a thousand times more likeable if she wasn’t paired with Lemonhead.
The hourglass finally ran out of sand. Karlyn stepped up to do the Roadblock and likely take out some of her pent up frustration on the poor horses. She managed to finish it quickly and said that it was apparent that a “higher power” wanted them to still be in the race. All very true. Why wouldn’t God want his sweetest and most humble angels to do well?
The Detour was a choice between a grind-y option and a throw-y option, both of which were first-come first-serve and only had three work stations. In the former the teams had to grind olives, while in the latter the teams had to “throw” clay pots. That just means that had to shape them on a potters’ wheel. No actual throwing would be involved. You just know Rob and Kimberly were secretly disappointed they wouldn’t be able to toss crockery at each other.
The car curse hit Rob once again when he got a flat tyre. Did he kill a Transformer or something? Is that why all the motor vehicles are out to get him? Naturally, he couldn’t even get the jack out like the incompetent doofus he is. Someone needs to go back to Indian driving school and learn to use a damn jack.
The teams all went for the grind-y Detour option. There was a tense shuffle to see which teams would get to the work stations first. Madness glinted in Karlyn’s eyes as she flashed a maniacal grin. Oh great, the Yield finally caused her to snap. Now we’re going to have to deal with an even more paranoid persecution complex.
It looked as if Rob and Kimberly’s flat tyre was finally going to claim them but whatever the hell higher power is keeping the Lyns in stepped in and the BQs accidentally drove past the Roadblock. By the time they had realised their mistake and turned around, the other three teams were grinding away at their olives.
The three teams were all satisfied at apparently having finally beaten the almighty BQs at something. The Lyns in particular were about ready to dance a jig and said how satisfying it felt to be beating the “evil” BQs.
Did I miss the scene of the BQs roasting puppies at the beginning of the race? What have they done to qualify them as evil? Competitive? Definitely. Arrogant? Maybe. Evil? I think it’s a little early to call Batman to come take them down.
Evil or not, the BQs ground out their olives the fastest they could and taunted a donkey with their awesomeness. Please don’t mock the livestock.
The Zoolanders got themselves another first place and won themselves a cellphone with their lucky amulet. The Lyns got their highest placing yet and Rob/Kimberly managed to make third, just ahead of the BQs if the editing is to be believed.
The knowledge of their probable exit foremost in their minds, the girls pointed out that certain other people – *coughKarlyncough* – would say Karma was behind this but that there was actually no bad Karma in running a race. True dat. If Karma did play a role, than she’s a Zoolander fan because every other team got screwed over in some way. So either Karma’s a shallow bitch or she just doesn’t give a damn.
The BQs ran up to the Pit Stop, trying to keep up their pageant girl smiles on as they prepared for the inevitable. But could it be that Phil was pausing a tad too long for it to be bad news? Yes! It was yet another Non-Elimination! Sneaky. Unexpected too. The BQs’ forced smiles turned genuine. They were saved!
You know, they probably guessed it was a Non-Elimination leg and came last for the fun of it. Because they really are that hardcore.
Next week: People throw tomatoes at Rob and Kimberly and she freaks out. More than usual, I mean. Lyn finally loses all patience with Karlyn and tells her to shut up. All that and it’s not even my birthday.