As if the show itself was mourning the loss of David and Mary, it was off to a cooler and more sober climate than the tropical heat of Madagascar. The teams’ newest destination was Helsinki, capital city of er…Finland. I confess that I get positively BQ when it comes to Scandinavian capital cities and am forever confusing Helsinki for Oslo for Copenhagen. However, unlike the BQs, I can at least pronounce Helsinki. It’s not Heslinki, girls. Also, the wooden shoes country is Holland.
Said BQs were in a chipper mood after last week’s first place finish. On the drive to the airport, they took out their banjos and regaled us with a Tragic Ballad of Barbie Underestimation:
Woe Woe WoePeople dismiss us because we’re blonde and prettyWhy can’t our achievements speak for themselves?Ooh look at the pretty sceneryWheee, we’re having sooo much fun!As tragic ballads go, it’s doesn’t tug at the heartstrings too much but that’s probably because of the thirteen-minute-long banjo solo in the middle. I’m sure it’ll be a big hit among the pageant-girl demographic.
The Wins were a little more serious than usual and had donned black “Friends in low places” T-shirts in memoriam of David and Mary. They spoke wistfully of their departed friends and promised that the Six-pack would live on in their hearts. Omigod! Did David and Mary die? Did Phil butcher them at the last Pit Stop and feed their bodies to the rabid Madagascan lemur population?
Thankfully, Erwin and Godwin confirmed they were perhaps being a little over-the-top and that David and Mary weren’t dead. Phew. I was getting ready to call Interpol on Phil’s ass for frying Kentucky once and for all. No-one seems to have informed Lyn and Karlyn however who also spoke about David and Mary as if they had gone to that great coalmine in the sky.
The first four teams found a flight to Helsinki via Johannesburg. The trailing Lyns only got to the airport as that flight was boarding. Using their *ahem* charm, they tried to persuade the ticket agents to let them on the plane. NO! Joburg doesn’t want you, Lyns!
At first, the ticket agent refused and told them he didn’t have time to add them to the meals-list. The Lyns reassured them that they didn’t need an inflight meal and that their bitterness and loathing was enough to sustain them. Much to my dismay, this tack worked and the Lyns got to board the flight.
On landing in Helsinki, the Lyns picked up their violins and gave a rendition of their own Tragic Ballad on the Unfairness of Life:
Woe Woe WoeThose damn Barbies are blonde and prettyThat’s cheating!All of their achievements can be traced to looksThat’s cheating!We’re at a disadvantage because we’re not blonde and prettyCheating cheating cheatingDid we mention we hate them?Hmm, suddenly the Tragic Ballad of Barbie Underestimation sounds less self-pitying and more on-target. The Lyns’ Tragic Ballad however sounds as whinier than a roomful of emo kids.
In case you think I’m being a bit harsh on the Lyns due to me seething hatred of them, I should mention that the Lyns’ objection to the BQs was that they “walk around with their boobs hanging out”. Now granted, the producers could have edited out the scene where the BQs came out with spinning tassels on their nipples and danced for money, but as it stands, the dodgiest thing the BQs did was wear tank tops.
Wait, I almost forgot. They showed their bare arms too. Shameless hussies!
The teams’ first task took them to an Internet café for a quintessentially Finnish activity – checking email using America Online. If you’ve ever cried at the Survivor episodes where the contestants’ family members show up at camp, then this TAR episode was for you. Mothers, brothers, sisters, children and dogs were all showcased in am AOL video clue.
Even in highly pressurised situations, the BQs always find time to visit TVSAIt was as sappy and heart-warming as you’d expect. In other words, if you’re an emotional person, it was the sweetest thing ever, and if you’re a cynical bastard, your head still aches from all the eye-rolling you did. The Lyns were especially touched by AOL’s generous and selfless gesture. When they got to see their adorable children (the sour-face isn’t genetic, I guess), the tears poured down like Victoria Falls.
“THANK YOU, AOL!!!” the BQs gushed with all the enthusiasm of infomercial hosts. Yes, thank you, AOL, for bringing us viewers this amazing task!! Do you want all of our first-borns in thanks or is our slavish devotion enough?
The teams all managed to catch the same train to their next destination. Just in case you think that racing around the world doesn’t leave time for a beauty regimen, Tyler showed that he doesn’t skimp on his daily skincare routine no matter which third world backwater he’s in. “Moisture is the essence of wet and wet is the essence of beauty,” he said as he slathered on moisturiser.
The BQs amusingly interviewed that they sometimes borrowed from the Zoolanders when they had forgotten their own beauty products. If you’re less primped than a couple of Miss USA contestants, I believe that officially makes you a narcissist.
From the train station, they had to catch a taxi to a field in the middle of Finnish nowhere. At the taxi rank, there was a queue of people waiting for a cab. The Wins were polite enough to actually wait their turn but the Lyns, without even asking, jumped the queue and leapt into a taxi. But…but…by the Lyns’ very own admission, queue-jumping is a dire and mortal sin! Are they too destined to burn in hell’s toilet alongside those most detestable of queue-jumpers, the BQs?
Man, hawkers are so persistent nowadaysThe Detour was a choice between a whole lotta mud and a whole lotta mud. One option saw the teams try to complete an obstacle course – well, a muddy sinkhole masquerading as an obstacle course at least. The other option saw the teams have to ski across a muddy field. And I thought the Scots had strange pastimes.
The Zoolanders, being the buff pretty boys that they are, decided on the obstacle course. This was harder than it looked as the mud was of the quick-sand variety that tried to suck them down into the bowels of Finnish Hades. By the time they emerged, they were covered in gunk. That has to be hell on the pores. The Zoolanders immediately had to make themselves beautiful again and wasted some time changing into a clean set of clothes. James especially looked fierce in his pinkest shirt and most metrosexual shades.
Isn't Tyler the dreamiest?Another train ride awaited the teams but this time not all of them made it. The Zoolanders and BQs got their perfect asses on just in time but Rob and Kimberly just missed it, much to my amusement.
They were forced to take the same train as the Lyns and the Wins. Turns out there’s no love lost between Rob/Kimberly and the Lyns – the Lyns immediately judged them and Rob and Kim haven’t felt the urge to make friends with such a pair of judgmental cows (even if, in this case and this case alone, the judgmental cows may have been spot on the money).
By this time, the Zoolanders and BQs had reached the mines where a Roadblock awaited. Each chosen team-member had to ride a bike down a mineshaft and bring back a limestone rock. First, skiing through a swamp, now biking through a mine – those Finns really are a strange bunch when it comes to their sports.
James found the limestone-breaking hard-goingRob and Kimberly, stuck with no-one to follow, managed to get themselves a bit lost on the way to the mine entrance and almost ended up driving down the mine in their car. If anyone’s the kind of guy to drive his car at full speed down a mineshaft, screaming like a berserker as he does so, it’s Rob.
If only David were
alive there to do this particular Roadblock. He would have loved it, as a few of the contestants remarked on while riding. Godwin said that the Six-pack lived on in their hearts and David was there in spirit. If by “in spirit”, you mean “sipping piña coladas by a hotel pool in Sequesterville”, then yes he is.
"Woohoo! This is more fun than the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disney World!"From the mine, it was off to the Helsinki Olympic Stadium for the Pit Stop. Or was it? There was still a rappel to do and this was particularly pant-wetting; it was face-first. James blanched at the thought because the only thing that scares him more than blemishes and blackheads is heights.
Still, Phil was obviously parked off somewhere within the stadium waiting for the teams to finish the death rappel, right? Nope, as James and Tyler learned when they opened their last clue and found a note reading “keep racing”. A double leg! How very diabolical of you, Phil! Rob/Kimberly and the Lyns were at the back of the pack! We could have been rid of one of them!
Next week: Tank wars. Yes, give these feuding fools who all hate each other’s guts tanks. That’s smart. The Lyns actually manage to do the impossible and piss of the Wins enough that they call off their stupid alliance.