I hope the teams enjoyed their twelve-hour-rest after their grueling leg in northern Vietnam because it was time to visit India, the country that invented killer fatigue.
Rob and Kimberly had apparently done some soul-searching at the Pit Stop as they reflected on how the Race was a metaphor for their relationship. I stand by my leaky boat adrift metaphor when it comes to their relationship.
In case you had forgotten or were busy talking to your coke dealer on the phone every other time they said it, Tyler and James reminded everyone that they were former heroin enthusiasts.
If you’re rolling your eyes at yet another one of these declarations, don’t be too hard on the boys. They probably don’t even know they’ve mentioned this fifteen times before. Extensive drug use has been known to cause memory problems. Why do you think Kate Moss stayed with Pete Doherty for so long? She kept forgetting she had already broken up with him.
The Wins left the Pit Stop wearing specially-designed shirts with “Lost” printed on above a picture of Phil. Do I smell a crossover? Maybe Rob and Kimberly’s plane can crash on some desert island and they’ll be eaten by a smoke monster.
Flattery will get you everywhere, WInsSobered by their near-elimination, the Beauty Queens promised to kick it up a notch and get their competitive on. They may have won Miss New York and Miss California but they sure as hell weren’t going to be winning Miss Nice Gal.
Peter was unaware of their new eeevil leaf and tried to forge a Blonde Alliance with them; a kind of “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours” information-sharing club much like the one the Back Pack have. The BQs politely smiled their Vaseline smiles as Peter offered to let them use his map in exchange for future info but they never quite promised to help him in return.
“He’s sharing information because he likes you,” Kandice told Dustin when Peter had walked away. I doubt that, sister, because Peter is
gay dating Sarah.
The Back Pack itself was also sharing info on plane-booking. Well, the Wins were sharing info. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen the Lyns or Kentucky ever contribute anything particularly useful to the group. Peter moseyed up close to them like the world’s worst spy and tried to get them to give up their info. The Back Pack were tight-lipped but, as Peter trudged away, Godwin took out a fake cellphone (next to a towel, the most useful item to take along on a race around the world) and pretended to book a flight.
An irritated Peter rushed off to borrow someone’s cellphone and the Wins cracked up at having fooled him. Now I’m not saying it wasn’t funny because it was for about five seconds – the joke’s on Peter so how can it not be – but what a stupid prank it was. Peter borrowed some woman’s cellphone and phoned a hotel to make a plane-booking.
D’oh! Great going, Wins. They are
terrible pranksters! I bet they accidentally sit on their own whoopee cushions and always forget the gum in their pockets is actually pepper-flavoured.
As soon as the teams got off their train, the airport drama continued albeit sans airport since they were only allowed to book plane tickets at travel agencies. Distracted by all the stunning fashions of Vietnam, Mary couldn’t pay attention to where she was going and Kentucky got lost. The Wins too suffered a setback when they arrived at one of the travel agencies only to find it had moved.
The Zoolanders and Rob/Kimberly managed to book themselves the earliest flight to Chennai, India. Team Pegleg and the BQs booked a slightly later flight through Bangkok. Peter was so convinced that he had scored a brilliant coup that when the Lyns asked him which flight he was taking, he went James Bond on their asses. “Uhhhh, Ta-ta-taaaaa-hi-ti,” he stuttered as he looked away. Subtle, Double-Oh-Stupid. How could anyone possibly see through that stunning ruse?
The Back Pack learned of the flight the Zoolanders and Rob/Kimberly had snagged but could only get confirmed tickets part of the way on that flight route. They decided to risk taking the earlier flight and lucking out getting tickets for the rest of the way on stand-by.
The Back Pack was giddy to be getting away from the Blonde Pack. And who can blame them, what with Peter mocking the Kentuckians mercilessly and making fun of Mary and her complaining about her ankle. Bitch, please. You got hysterical when you couldn’t row properly, Peter. Like you would be able to handle a sprained ankle without breaking down into girlish weeping every few minutes.
Their delight at being away from the Blonde Pack soon turned to misery when they landed in Delhi had trouble getting tickets to their final destination, Chennai. The Wins and the Lyns eventually succeeded in getting on the same connecting flight as the Zoolanders and Rob/Kimberly but Team Kentucky just couldn’t pull it off. Noooo!
In a twist of fate, it was the BQs and Pegleg who managed to land in Chennai the earliest. They secured an earlier transfer when their connecting flight landed in Bangkok. Dustin and Kandice kept mum when Peter quizzed them on whether they had managed to find a better flight. Peter shook his head, disappointed How could you, girls? Peter showed you his map! You shared something so special and this is how you repay him? For shame.
On landing in Chennai, the BQs pulled yet another move of pure evil when Peter asked their taxi driver where they were going and the BQs covered the taxi driver’s mouth. They seemed like such sweet girls too. Who could have predicted that demonic souls lay behind those perfect smiles? “The Barbies are fierce competitors,” Sarah told us. Oh, they certainly are fierce (*Tyra Banks finger-snap*).
Their evil deeds did not go unpunished however as their taxi got a flat on the way to the route marker.
The next flight landed a while later. Rob and Kimberly immediately started whining about the smell and wished they could go to Europe. I’m hoping they’re eliminated before they go to any so-called first world countries but if they do last until Europe, I’m rooting for them to get lost in Transylvania.
The Lyns reflected how nice it was to be in a place where the locals were fuller-figured. Apparently the Vietnamese were horrible fat-phobes who had gaped and gawked at the Lyns’ less-than-modelesque bodies. Well ja, people do tend to gape and gawk if you’re running around the neighbourhood in your bra.
Finally, David and Mary landed. They were optimistic. “We do not think we’re last,” they Pollyanna-ed, just as the caption “currently in last place” appeared below them. Hee. As they say in comedy, timing is everything.
The Blonde Pack had reached the Detour, which offered up a choice between creating a pattern with coloured rice and wrangling with crocodiles. Both teams chose the crocs. The not-very-nice part of my brain was rooting for the crocodile to bite Peter’s leg off so Sarah could laugh and say “Let’s see how you like it!”
They completed the croc task without losing any limbs but didn’t manage to catch the next bus to the Roadblock in time. Peter complained about Sarah’s slowness and she decided she had had enough. She ragged him out for the way he had treated her. Peter played innocent: “Sarah, I am not asking you to go any faster”. Oh my god, is that a joke? How did the universe not collapse into itself and get sucked into the gaping void that was Peter’s self-awareness in that scene?
You think cows have it good in India? Check out the luxury life of crocsRob and Kim passed some skinny cow and she wondered whether the cow was homeless. Duh, of course not, Kimberly. It’s obviously anorexic: everyone knows India had one of the highest rates of bovine eating disorders in Asia.
Anorexic crocs are also a problem. Luckily Dustin and Kandice are there to feed the starving croc heads of IndiaThe Roadblock saw the chosen teammember have to pass their driver’s test on the chaotic streets of Chennai. Now either Indian driving tests are waaaay easier than ours or the real challenge of the task was to drive around for a bit with an instructor next to them and try not to get totaled by a bus.
Rob isn't scared, he's dealt with dangerous beasts before. He is dating Kimberly after all.Rob showed a surprising lack of roadrage and Dustin managed to pass despite driving on the wrong side of the road at one point. I with the K53 was this simple. Kandice was thrilled to see her partner return in one piece: “I’m so excited she didn’t die!” Everyone who complains about Joburg drivers should take note; it could be worse, it could be Chennai.
Much to my chagrin, Peter and Sarah arrived first and won a home gym. I hope it’s bionic-leg-accessible.
The limited edition Peter-doll. Pull its string and it says its trademark catchphrase, "Go faster, sister! You can do it!"At the back of the pack, the Zoolanders and a trailing Kentucky chose to do the rice option. Mary was too scared to go near the crocs. Like those crocodiles would be any match for Mary. They would probably have beaten the Zoolanders too if they’d just gone for the crocs. As it was, they were the last team out to do the Roadblock.
I can't believe Tyler and James left their entire coke stash at the Detour“Maybe it’s a non-elimination,” the Lyns hoped at one point, thinking of David and Mary. I took this as editing misdirection and braced myself for the worst. “I love David more now than the day I started this race,” Mary said in voiceover. Awww, that’s so sweet how…wait, the day she started the race? Why not the day she met him or fell in love with him? You’re an odd bird, Mary.
In a joyful twist, it was a non-elimination after all. A double-bluff from the editors! Brilliant! David and Mary were saved to drawl their way through more countries. However, Phil introduced a nice new twist. Instead of taking their money, David and Mary would be required to come in first at the next Pit Stop otherwise they would incur a thirty-minute penalty.
Ooh, harsh. I like it. It beats taking a team’s money and having to watch them beg. Fingers crossed that David and Mary can overcome their disadvantage and actually escape the Back Pack next week.
On the next Arrested Development Next week: The Lyns hate beautiful people. Or the Beauty Queens hate single mothers. One of the two. Also, camels…but with a modern twist. I think they’re robot camels.