As if a sprained ankle and leaky leg aren’t enough, the opening to this week’s episode revealed that Rob had collapsed from heat exhaustion at the end of the last leg. Are you sure he didn’t collapse from a ruptured eardrum due to Kimberly’s screeching?
Between this, Mary’s ankle, Sarah’s leg and the myriad bloody wounds this episode, I’m beginning to fear for the racers’ lives. This aint no race for sissies. Just remember, you can’t spell “Phil Keoghan” without the word “pain”. Is it a coincidence that an anagram of “Phil Keoghan” is “Ah kin leg hop” just like a Kentuckian coalminer would pronounce “I can leg hop”? I think not.
I digress and I haven’t even started properly. The first clue had the teams to go a park and listen carefully for their next clue. Some of these people can barely seem to read so it can only be a step up.
Along the way the Wins discussed how great it was to be able to represent Asians on the race and show people all the different sides of their Asian-ness. No, not their meatheadedness but their sense of humour. They then demonstrated their sense of humour with the brilliant line “We’re going to Disneyland”.
In case you choose to read this as a confirmation of stereotypes about Asian humour (if there even are any stereotypes about that), we cut to the Zoolander car where the meth models were making Dong puns. Lame jokes span across every culture, folks.
In the Coalminer taxi, Mary talked about how she was surprised to be doing this because she was a “couch potater” who watched reality TV. Wait…so Mary is us? Oh my god, how did I not realise this before now? Embrace your fabulous TAR surrogate, fellow fans. Unless you’re a super skinny model/actor/beauty queen, in which case, what the hell are you doing even reading this? Shouldn’t you be bench-pressing backs of cocaine or whatever it is ridiculously good-looking people do for fun?
The teams arrived at the park and listened carefully. What could they be listening for? Dustin and Kandice, trained by the finest pageant coaches in extreme listening skills, thought that the clue might be found in the chirping of crickets. Ooh, maybe they’re chirping in Morse code! Get out your super secret decoder rings, girls!
But no, as cool as it sounds, the crickets were not specially-trained bugs transmitting the clue in code. There was a loudspeaker system set up by a statue of some Vietnamese guy (a famous cricket whisperer) that told them where to go for their next clue. Most of the teams hastily scribbled down the directions – can you imagine having to spell those names? The Zoolanders were the first to think up the bright idea of dragging their taxi driver along to listen to the instructions himself. Who says drugs kill braincells? Crack is good for you, kids!
Rob and Kimberly’s picked a taxi driver who didn’t understand a single word they were saying. Or maybe he was just pretending he didn’t know what the hell these two idiots were saying for laughs. I like the second option better. He drove them around the block a few times and shockingly, Rob’s brilliant strategy of shouting in his ear did not make him understand any better.
“He’s TOYING with us!!” Rob exclaimed, throwing his hands up in the air. Yes, you are mere puppets on a string to that Machiavellian mastermind, Rob. You cannot escape his twisted manipulations! Muahahaha!
Rob and Kimberly's taxi-driver revealed! Eventually, Rob and Kimberly abandoned their calculating cabbie for one who could understand them better. “I’m done talking with foreigners,” he declared. Two things, Rob. The first is: good luck with that on a race around the world. The second is: in any country that’s not America, YOU’RE the foreigner, ya big douche.
By contrast, Mary had taken a shining to her and David’s taxi driver. “I like you,” she told him in Vietnamese. Well, complimenting a taxi driver in their own language isn’t as nice as screaming in their ear how awful they are, but we can’t all be as accepting of other people as Rob. Mary then declared how she wanted to take him home with her.
David, watch out! Your wife’s been charmed by a silver-tongued Vietnamese taxi driver. Fight for yo’ woman!
Hours of operation at the route marker meant that everyone was on level pegging the next morning. They made their way to the Roadblock which asked which team-member had “strong arms and legs”. Or…er, leg in Sarah’s case.
There was a great big honking rock face in the distance so teams should’ve guessed there was climbing to be done. Nevertheless, Sarah and Karlyn, both of whom had had so much trouble with the Great Wall of China, decided to do the Roadblock.
The teams had to take boats to the rockface, where only three racers could go up at a time. The Beauty Queens poached a boat which the Lyns believed was theirs (To paraphrase the Lyns’ own words, “It is a race”) but karma (or freaky Lyn mojo) was quick and Dustin scraped her leg badly against the side of the boat. The Lyns gloated. Will you be so happy when Dustin’s leg gets gangrenous and falls off, Lyns?
It's only a leg, right, Lyns? It'll grow back. Oh no, wait. It won't. Just ask Sarah. “Sweetie, are you alright?” Kandice asked, worried, as she cooed over her
gay luvah’s friend’s leg. This is how you tell the difference between friends and couples on The Amazing Race. Friends use “sweetie” while every single couple in the history of the show has used “baby”. It’s in their contracts.
Sarah once again had trouble with the wall-scaling because of her leg. At one point, she got stuck and the show went to ad break. Was there a chance she wouldn’t make it? Only if you missed any of the million promos which actually said “Sarah perseveres”. She did it, even with Peter annoyingly shouting out his low-rent Bob Harper shtick from below.
Much to my horror, Rob and Kimberly were the first to finish the Roadblock and head off to the dark and damp cave where the next route marker waited. I prayed their boat driver would be a cousin of the mastermind taxi driver of earlier. He wasn’t. I prayed that bats would attack them in the cave. They didn’t. Kimberly and Rob got to the clue in one piece, albeit with much screaming that must have played havoc with the poor bats’ sonar.
The Detour was a choice between two traditional Vietnamese jobs – shifting cargo from a boat and delivering it to a floating village or pulling up oyster cages from the ocean floor. Both options required a lot of rowing, an especially killer thing for the people who’d done the Roadblock.
Rob and Kimberly tried to row in unison but failed miserably. Rob then told Kimberly to get to the front of the boat while he rowed. She refused to listen to him. They screamed at each other a lot. If ever there was a metaphor for their relationship, I think the two of them on a boat is it. I’m surprised they even managed to get to the oysters in the end and didn’t end up drifting out into the sea before they were eaten by a carnivorous mutant squid.
The Zoolanders did just fine, as you’d expect from a buff pair of Alpha males like them, but the rest of the pack all found themselves in trouble with the paddling. They were pretty exhausted and a strong wind was pushing the boats in one direction.
Trailing near the back after falling behind at the rock wall, Peter started to lose it at the boat. He told Sarah to be quiet because he needed absolute silence in order to concentrate on the task and didn’t need any of Sarah’s motivational talk. Did Peter hit his head on a rock somewhere in the cave? Because that’s the only reason I can think of that he suddenly believes that’s he’s swapped bodies with Sarah and
she’s the one who spouts off a constant stream of motivational garbage whether it’s needed or not.
To top it all off, even though Sarah has gritted her teeth through several really difficult challenges so far with nary a word about giving up, that pansy Peter started moaning about how he wanted to quit. I would have sent Sarah a million (Monopoly) bucks and my soul if her response was a really sarcastic “You can do it, sister!”
Yeah, that's pretty much my reaction to Peter as wellYet another injury occurred when one of the Cupcake Twins cut himself during the oyster task. Don’t bleed into the water! The sharks will get you! This season is cursed with all these injuries. I give it two episodes until someone is beheaded in a deadly turnstile accident.
Rob and Kimberly came first, much to my horror, and won themselves a pair of shiny jet skis. I hope they tip over while learning to ride them. A lot.
Tyler and James lost second place to Peter and Sarah when the latter’s junk passed them on the way to the Pit Stop. Turns out the captain of the Zoolanders’ junk had forgotten to take up the anchor. “Great job,” the Zoolanders deadpanned as the captain smiled, not getting it. Usually I don’t like racers getting pissy with people who are helping them and transporting them but in this case, I approve this sarcasm.
The Wins got fourth and David and Mary managed to avoid the real back of the pack for once and came in fifth. “I’d recognise Phil anywhere,” Mary said as she caught sight of a familiar figure in an orange shirt, “scrawny little gorgeous thing”. OK, who wants to adopt Mary? Or at least invite over for a reality show viewing party? I love her!
Tears reigned supreme in the trailing Lyn, TNT and Beauty Queen boats. The Lyns, nattering on about making their kids proud the entire time, managed to get to Phil first, leaving the Cupcakes and the BQs battling it out. Tom wept, Terry told him to stop whining. Not in a nasty Rob/Kimberly way though. Eventually, Tom and Terry rowed to the shore and started calling for help like a marooned pair of maroons.
Just a couple of buoy-crazy blondesMeanwhile the BQs only managed to figure it out quite late that they had to find a junk to take them to Phil. Tom and Terry eventually managed to get to their junk when Tom physically got out of the boat and started tugboat it like Flipper on steroids.
Which pair of queens would it be? The BQs were the first to reach the Pit Stop. Saved to flash their blinding smiles another day. Tom and Terry were prepared for the worst and got it. They were eliminated but took it all in good stride, speaking about how their relationship was stronger for it. They certainly handled stress better than some couple-y teams I could mention.
The really annoying thing is I think I finally learned to tell them apart...and they're eliminatedThey seemed like nice guys. Now the back pack has lost a member. If you’re keeping track, the most diverse season ever is now down two Muslim guys, a Hindu couple, a lesbian and a gay couple. Karma sure does hate diversity. Bigot.
Next week: Alligators (or are they crocodiles?) trained by the Lyns threaten to eat the Beauty Queens. Peter’s a whiny little bitch as always and Sarah’s tolerance for him breaks down.