I have to come to dread the third legs of TAR seasons. Almost inevitably, I find my favourite team (or at the very least, a team I really like), ends up crashing and burning during these cursed legs.
Because of their strong performances in the first two episodes, Duke and Lauren looked like they might buck this trend, as well as the trend that has seen almost every parent/child team do absolutely horribly every season. However the gods of TAR delight in screwing parent/child teams in the worst and most painful way, probably just to torture me.
And while I’m taking this elimination personally, I should also point out that Asia in general also hates me and loves to screw over my favourite teams. Lousy continent.
This most evil of episodes began in outer Mongolia, where the teams were instructed to go to Vietnam and given no money for the leg. Peter and Sarah were unperturbed because they had plenty of cash left over from the previous leg. And even if they didn’t, Sarah could show off her can-can kicks for paying spectators, right, Peter?
On the other end of the cash spectrum were Duke and Lauren who had a mere eleven dollars left. Geez, what did they do to waste all their money? Visit a Mongolian casino before they checked in.
This didn’t really faze Duke just yet who, after reminiscing about friends of his who had served in the Vietnam War, spent the drive to the airport more esoterically asking Lauren whether she thought random Mongolian chicks on the street were gay. How would she know? Is she the lesbian psychic hotline?
(The lesbian psychic hotline is not to be confused with the lesbian sexy hotline, which is advertised late at night in between etv movies and costs R10 per sexy sms.)
David did some ‘Nam reminiscing of his own, reflecting on his father who had served there. That is, until Mary ruined the mood by shouting “David, we’re being overtaken. DRIVE FASTER!” Way to spoil the moment, Mary. I bet she’s totally the type who shouts out inappropriate things in the cinema during sad movies. During Saving Private Ryan, she was all, “I’m out of POPCORN!”
Don’t you just love that almost everyone has been really nice this season and not gotten into any unnecessary feuds? Well, that didn’t last long. At the airport, the BQs were behind Tom and Terry but poached their travel agent while the Cupcake Twins were staring into space dreaming about who knows what.
Cue DRAMA from the Cupcake Twins who took this as a grave and moral sin. See, in TAR, line-cutting is the absolute worst thing you can do. Shouting at your partner isn’t really a big deal for most racers because after all, they’re not the ones getting called idiots. But cut in line and your fellow racers will want to see you horsewhipped and banished to outer Mongolia…if you’re not there already, of course.
If it comes down to a fistfight, my money's on KandiceTom and Terry complained loudly about the BQs’ insidious behaviour. The BQs couldn’t have cared less. Terrible. These women are supposed to be role models and yet they’re influencing impressionable young girls to engage in such diabolical deeds as line-cutting. For shame, Dustin and Kandice.
None of this made any difference as all the teams ended up on the same flight. Not that they were on equal footing; besides Duke and Lauren’s money woes and Sarah’s leaky leg, Mary had twisted her foot in the previous leg and was still suffering the aftereffects. But that’s OK, Lyn and Karlyn were on the Coalminers’ side and being Southerners, the Lyns aren’t the type to just leave people in the lurch. Except when they have flat tyres, apparently.
The teams zoomed to their first Vietnamese destination; a place nicknamed the Hanoi Hilton. Unlike its name implies, it’s not a luxury hotel but is in fact a former POW prison and the worst Hilton next to Paris.
Duke and Lauren picked up a “guide” who really just wanted to share their taxi. She didn’t even share the cab fare either, that jerk. When Lauren realised they were not going to have enough money to pay the taxi driver, she unhappily brooded over the possibility that they’d end up in prison over the unpaid fare.
Look on the bright side, Lau. They might put you in the Hanoi Hilton and then you’ll have a police escort to the next route marker. You might have a bit of trouble getting out again though…
The taxi driver was nice enough not to call the cops on their cheap asses when Duke forked over a mere eleven dollars. Still, Duke and Lauren were officially broke-ass and wouldn’t be taking cabs (nor visiting any Vietnamese gambling dens) for a very long time.
The next morning, the prison was officially open, and the teams pushed and shoved their way to the route marker. David took another moment to think about what his father must have gone through in the war and Mary was nice enough not to interrupt him this time. Erwin and Godwin took a moment to pay their respects to the servicemen who were once held there and once again Mary chose not to interrupt. Although it would have been kind of funny if she’d walked past them all “Mah FOOT HURTS” as they stood in silence.
The teams were level at this point but while everyone else could take a taxi to the Roadblock, Duke and Lauren had to walk. Why they didn’t they beg for money the night before? Lord knows BJ and Tyler made practically enough money to afford a beach-house from all their busking last season.
The Roadblock challenge was to sell ninety dongs’ worth of flowers to passing locals. You know the challenge producers just added this in someone could make a lame pansy joke about Tom and Terry. For once, I refuse to be that person. Who says I have no shame?
Erwin mounted one of the provided bicycles and chose to sell his wares via the age-old sales technique of falling on his ass and spilling them everywhere. Later he realised that the Beauty Queens were doing way better than him by merely standing around one spot and smiling brightly. Yes, it took him this long to realise that pretty girls with big smiles sell more. Let’s hear it for a Harvard education.
Don't be silly, random street vendor. Everyone knows pageant girls don't do carbs.(To be fair to Erwin, Beauty Queen wasn’t the only ace salesperson. Duke and Peter also seemed to be a hit with the locals, the latter presumably by shouting “Come on, guys! You can do it! You’re a better flower buyer than anyone here! Don’t quit on me now, guys! Buy those flowers like they’ve never been bought!” at his customers before clapping at them like a dog.
The Wins took the lead, Peter & Sarah took the wrong bus to their next destination, and the rest of the teams had to cross dangerous Vietnamese traffic like some demented, real-life version of Frogger. Kimberly was nearly hit by a maniacal motorbike. And she thought horses were dangerous transportation.
I hate it when Kimberl...er, the frog gets squashedNo-one got smashed by a mack truck, luckily. Everyone, excluding the Wins, the Cupcake Twins and Team Pegleg (the former two in the lead, the latter at the back), made their way to the bus safely. Along the way to the next route marker, David gazed distantly out of the window and thought about his daddy’s experiences in Vietnam. Man, I doubt his dad would think about it as much as he has.
As the Wins were offered a motorbike ride to where they wanted to go. They declined and an authoritative Phil declared that the teams were strictly forbidden to ride motorbikes on this leg due to “safety concerns”. What’s wrong with Vietnamese motorbikes? Besides them almost running Kimberly over, I mean?
From the bus, the middle teams found their way to the next route marker en masse, like some tour group gone wrong. That is, until Duke and Lauren got separated from the rest of the pack. Ruh roh. You know what they say; never wander off from the tour group.
The Detour choices were Cage or Coal. In the Cage challenge, the teams had to build a traditional birdcage while in the Coal challenge, the teams had to make twenty traditional coal bricks.
No fair! Producer bias! How come a coal-making challenge is allowed in a season with an actual coalminer? That’s like having an evening gown-modelling Roadblock or a one-legged race to the Pit Stop!
"Man, Vietnamese meth labs are way more complicated than the ones back home."Almost everyone chose the coal-making, including the Cupcake Twins, much to my disappointment. There go my “Birdcage” references. Maybe I should’ve gone for that pansy joke after all.
Making coal bricks looks like fun, almost like making a mud pie. It made me crave muffins. Or soufflé. Resident Coal Expert David remarked that this coal wasn’t really like the coal back home but mud rather. What an elitist.
In the middle of the task, he also found himself losing concentration and thinking about something else. If you guessed that that “something else” involves the words “father”, “Vietnam” and “war”, go get yourself a nyummy snack from the fridge.
The Wins were the first to make all their bricks and find the Pit Stop, followed by Tom and Terry. But just as I was about to give TNT props on a leg well-run, Phil uttered that ominous “however…” Ooh, that’s Phil’s Bad Daddy voice.
Turns out Tom and Terry had taken a bike earlier on and were thus given a penalty of thirty minutes, a potentially lethal thing on such a close leg. The Ts waited, nails gradually vanishing into their chattering mouths.
A very lost Duke and Lauren stumbled onto the Cage detour and decided to go for it. Building cages takes a lot more time than making twenty coal bricks apparently, especially when you’re fifteen years behind every other team.
Tom and Terry waited, agonisingly. One by one, the teams filtered in. Four teams left to check in. Then three teams. I’d almost have felt sorry for the poor bastards if I hadn’t been rooting for Duke and Lauren.
Mary’s limp caused her to fall behind, leading her Southern friends and allies Lyn and Karlyn to do…absolutely nothing. “We’re not fair-weather friends. We always help our friends,” the Lyns asserted. What? You totally left them behind! I don’t exactly have a problem with competitive teams who don’t help other teams (I was a Rob and Amber fan for god’s sake) but don’t talk about how freakin’ helpful you are while not doing anything actually helpful.
Who knew the first gratuitous cheesecake shot of the season would be of Karlyn?Duke and Lauren finally managed to complete the birdcage and raced towards the Pit Stop as time rapidly dwindled. Finally, Phil announced Tom and Terry could step onto the mat. Duke and Lauren were toast.
Bah. Stupid third leg. Stupid Vietnam. As Duke and Lauren were informed of their elimination, Lauren started crying in her dad’s arms. He talked about how much they’d learned from each other and how whatever makes her happy makes him happy. Sniff. Don’t mind me, it’s just my allergies playing up.
Is it wrong that I kinda want to...uh, comfort Lauren myself right now? What a big disappointment. Besides their sweetness and really compelling relationship hook, they were a strong team who really looked like they could be the first parent/child team in a really long time to get far.
Next week: Rob and Kimberly are totally nice and respectful to each other. Just kidding, they totally freak out on a boat. Also, after all his harping on to Sarah about not quitting, Peter quits a task. Ooh, she’s so going to kick him in the balls with her steel foot.