I know that Amazing Race episodes don’t exactly have themes but if this episode did have a theme, it would be stereotypes, both broken and confirmed.
After cruelly eliminating two teams last week, Phil was back to his nice (or at least slightly less merciless) self this week. Unless you count the cars…but more on that later.
At the Great Wall of China (as opposed to the Great Wall of Sweden or any other Great Walls you may be thinking of), the teams learned that their next destination was Ulan Bator, capital of Genghis Khan’s old hangout Mongolia.
As the teams set off, we were helpfully reminded of the teams’ relationships and hooks just in case we had sustained any head injuries over the last week. To sum up, Sarah has a disability (his name is Peter), Rob and Kimberly want to move onto the next step of this relationship (fighting and verbal abuse), Duke just loves the gays except when they happen to be his own daughter (but she’s effectively doubled her wardrobe! Who could hate that?) and David and Mary are a couple of simple country folk who are awe-inspired by the brave new wonders of the world around them (foreign lands, dental care).
Oh yeah, and the Zoolanders talked a lot about their former druggiedom. Is that going to be this season’s
“When I was in Iraq…”? Will every experience prompt a touching recollection of the time they were selling their shoes to hobos for meth?
While the teams waited for their buses, David and Mary expressed excitement over meeting such new and exotic people. They had never met Asians. They don’t have those in rural Kentucky? Really? They also claim to have never met any gay people. Right, like that none of those strapping coalminers David works with have secret boyfriends. The gays are among you, David and Mary, and they’re not all walking stereotypes like the Cupcake Twins Tom and Terry.
The girls (and Kellie and Jamie) practise their choreography for their big musical numberPresented with these wondrous specimens of Asians and gays, David and Mary were all too happy to befriend them. Can you imagine what would happen if David and Mary met a gay Asian? Their minds might explode from the amazement of it all. I like that they’re cool with accepting people who are different than they are. Just because they’re small-towners doesn’t mean they’re small-minded.
The lovefest stopped just short of the teams singing “We are the world” as the teams set off for the train station. When they got there, the Beauty Queens tried to be sneaky sneaky and get a better train out than the rest of the teams but the Zoolanders caught them. Not so good at the Alias thing, are ya, ladies, if Cheech and Chong can foil your plans?
Meanwhile Peter basked in the spotlight as he had Sarah show off her bionic leg to the passersby like she was his dancing monkey. “It’s good to have a disability,” he gloated. Yeah, for you maybe. Not so much fun for poor Sarah who has to actually climb walls with the thing and is currently leaking hydraulic oil. But hey, as long as you can show her off to the locals and get on planes first, it’s all good. Right, Petey? What a creep.
All the teams ended up taking the same train to Ulan Bator. Once there, they had to go to a temple and watch a traditional Mongolian dance as performed by a guy with a giant fake head like an employee of Disney World. From there, they had to drive some ancient Soviet military vehicles held together with duct tape and Pritt to their next destination.
Oh come on, like you weren't thinking it alsoThe place turned out to be a bit of a shlep to find, as almost everyone had to either ask for directions or bring along a helpful local just to know which fork to take. “We’re on a road to nowhere,” said one of the Cupcake Twins. It’s Mongolia; every road is a road to nowhere.
The Zoolanders were the first to experience the joys of Soviet technology as their Russian crap-bucket got a flat tyre. Even worse, their jack didn’t work. A passing Rob and Kimberly offered their jack but that didn’t seem to work either. No wonder it was always a Cold War. With equipment like this, the Russians never had a chance to make it a Hot War. Tom and Terry were also unable to give a hand. “We don’t know how to fix a car,” they confessed. Of course they don’t. That might make the Cupcake Twins only 97% stereotypical as opposed to 100%.
Eventually they managed to get the jack to work but they lost quite a bit of time. Also having a spot of car trouble were David and Mary who were stuck in the mud. Other teams had by then arrived at the next route marker and found horsies and funny hats waiting for them. “Oh boy, real Mongolian hats! Let’s have a barbecue,” a thrilled Jamie said. Barbecues? Is there some stereotype about Mongolians and barbecues I’m missing? Does she want to eat the horses?
At the sight of the horses, Sarah had very cleverly decided to change feet in the car so she’d be able to use the stirrups. Wow, there’s a sentence I never thought I’d type. She and Peter galloped ahead to the Detour. The choices were between leading an ox to water (but not making him drink it) and filling up several containers with water until they had a preset amount, and taking down a tent thing and harnessing it to a camel.
This might seem like a shot from the race but it is in fact one of David and Mary's photos of their home lifeSarah and Peter got to work on the tent option as the other teams rode up to the Detour. Kimberly recoiled at the horses and proclaimed her dislike of them. They don’t like her much either, as one horse proved when it threw her off. She decided to lead the horse the rest of the way and whined about all the time they lost. Hey, maybe you wouldn’t be losing so much time if you’d get back on the horse, twit.
In an interview, the Beauty Queens winningly talked about how they wanted to be the first all-girl team to do well and break stereotypes. Cue one of them getting thrown off her horse and getting dragged behind it like a tin-can on a “just married” car. Someone on the editing team’s not a big fan of pageants.
Peter and Sarah were not doing well on the Detour. Peter was being “encouraging” – in other words, acting like the most annoying motivational trainer. She’s your partner, not your client. Take it to The Biggest Loser, Tony Robbins.
They swapped Detours and decided to try driving the ox-cart to water instead. Unfortunately for them, they picked a maniac of an ox who bolted whenever they tried to lead him. Even the oxen can’t stand Peter’s brand of motivation. At one point, Peter clapped at her like she was his sheepdog. How Sarah resists sticking her steel limb up his ass, I will never know. Faced with an ox straight out of hell, they were forced to change Detour options once again.
"I'm sorry, sweetie, but we can't get you a camel for your birthday."Rob and Kimberly were also having trouble with their ox. The poor thing must be so spooked by those two idiots. Sample dialogue of their Detour: “YOU SHUT UP!!” “NO, YOU SHUT UP!!”
Aint love grand?
Man, that heifer looks mean. The ox isn't looking too happy either.The Beauty Queens by contrast had managed to charm their beast (nicknamed
Sweet Pea) easily and were the first to complete the Detour. Unluckily, the clue said that they had to ride the horses back to their cars while wearing the helmets and Kandice had lost hers somewhere along the way. Frantically, they retraced their steps trying to find it and lost about seven places until one of the instructors managed to track it down for them.
I swear, those teeth of theirs must glow in the darkA trailing Kellie and Jamie wondered exactly why the Beauty Queens were standing around looking miserable. “They must just be chilling,” they determined. Ah yes, during the middle of the race. The best time to chill. In their defense, they never actually
claimed they were out to break stereotypes about dumb cheerleaders.
The next destination was the Hotel Mongolia, where you can check out any time you like but you can’t leave. Or maybe I’m thinking of the wrong hotel. The Soviet crap-buckets exceeded my wildest hopes of uselessness when no less than three of them broke down along the way. The Wins, Lyns and Cheerleaders all fell to the back of the pack courtesy of Soviet automotive technology. They would have had better luck riding the horses all the way to the hotel.
Luckily for all the teams, the entire Mongolian population seems to be made up of amateur mechanics who know how to fix Soviet crap-buckets. It’s in their nomadic blood.
At the front of the pack, leaders Duke and Lauren were passed in the crap-buckets by Peter and Sarah and the Zoolanders. C’mon, Duke. You can go faster than that. What are you? A big slow-mo?
The Roadblock had the chosen team members shoot a flaming arrow into a target. Tyler, and Peter (thankfully because I don’t think I could have dealt with any more of Peter’s “motivation”) chose to do the Detour. Peter was the one to complete it first.
Peter and Sarah ran to the Pit Stop, Peter egging her on all the way and generally acting as if she’d stop running and her leg would fall off if he shut up. They claimed their trip for coming in first and Sarah informed us she was taking note of everything she was learning about Peter – mainly that he’s an annoying git.
Come now, Lauren. This is no time to play mime. Get a real arrow, will you?Kimberly was the one to take on the Detour for her team and somehow managed to resist shooting Rob with an arrow. Despite their helmet snafu, the Beauty Queens decently reclaimed three places and checked in fifth at the Pit Stop. Not a bad showing recovering from the helmet thing. Maybe they have a shot at shooting down those pageant girl stereotypes after all.
"Don't you dare make one joke about being flaming."Waaayyy back, the race for ninth place was between Kellie/Jamie and Lyn/Karlyn (or “Karline” as Jamie called her). The cheerleaders thought they had gone too far the wrong way and ended up turning around and going in the opposite direction they needed to be.
Lyn and Karlyn easily reached the Detour first and checked in ninth. As for Kellie and Jamie…well, after stopping to ask for directions, they realised their giant mistake. “Yes, we’re idiots,” said Jamie. Yeah, girls, we’re way ahead of you in figuring that out. “Today is our stupid day,” lamented Kellie. As is any day ending in a ‘y’.
Ten years later they arrived at the Detour and twenty years later, after setting the Mongolian countryside on fire, they checked into the Pit Stop and were eliminated. They said some lovely things about friendship and hugged each other fiercely, promising to stay close forever. They may not have been the brightest bulbs in the box but they seemed sweet.
Next week: Duke and Lauren find themselves cashless after wasting it all on booze and hookers. The Beauty Queens are accused of cutting in line. Will their Vaseline smiles be able to get them out of trouble?