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The 'REAL' Reasons

Written by Sdakamiswa from the blog SDAKAMISWA's FIX on 06 Mar 2008
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LADIES & GENTS, THIS IS THE ONLY TIME YOU WILL EVER SEE AN ARTICLE FROM ME ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS.
I WAS COMPELLED TO WRITE THIS IN MY PURSUIT FOR THE TRUTH. TRUTH I SAY, THIS TRUTH NEED NOT BE ADMITTED TO US ‘OBSERVERS’ BUT THE PEOPLE I AM TALKING ABOUT NEED TO ADMIT THE TRUTH TO THEMSELVES…………. WE ALL KNOW WHAT IS SAID ABOUT THE TRUTH, IT WILL SET YOU FREE, SO LADIES INDULGE YOURSELVES. I NEED TO ADMIT THIS IS DIRECTED MOSTLY AT THE LADIES BUT IT CAN BE APPLICABLE TO THE GENTS AS WELL, so go on and enjoy, happy reading

You all know by now, I am a young man in my very late twenties who at times, if not at all times, wonder why women always lie in the name of love. Yes, I said it ...all in the name of love.

Since I am a reserved & quiet bloke, I find myself having to lend a shoulder to
a lot of hurting female friends too many a times. Not that I mind or anything, I guess its cause they find it easier to confide in me.

After thinking about it, I decided to make it a point of asking one question should
one of them decide to off-load on my shoulder again. That question being: "Why are you opting to stay"…..
To my surprise, It always got down to one reason/answer.
"Because I love him"...

Me listening to my friends ‘off loading’ has led me to conclude & undecode the real reasons why women choose to stay in TOXIC relationships and blame it on love. This is what I now perceive as women's meaning of the phrase
"because I love him".

Kids
Ideally, the perfect enviro for any kid to grow up in is to have mommy & daddy in the same house. Women tend to forget that love between mommy and daddy needs to be part of the equation. The fear of losing baby daddy and starting over with some1 new who will need to accept my baby overwhelms some women and they choose to grin & bear the abuse caused by daddy not realising if the mafacka is abusive they are inflicting eternal emotional scars on the child.

Money
Women become too dependent on men and dread the first stop after leaving, which is looking for a job and supporting one's self. It is much easier if she has a man who fulfills all her financial needs. And yet she will shamelessly tell you it is because she loves him.

Fear
Fear of starting all over again. After investing years in someone thinking that it was meant to go on and on forever, it stops. The relationship passes its sell by date but she still wants to hold on...all because she is afraid of starting all over again.

Friends
What are they going to think? They are either married or in stable relationships. This simply means she will be the odd one out, the black sheep in the family. Women tend to potray their bfs as the best thing since slice bread, admitting problems in the relationship might imply they lied & that he is not prince charming.

Sex
As cynical as it may sound, believe me, it happens. Some women stay in toxic
relationships because the brother simply knows how to rock her boat. The SEX is just that good. Also the thought of ‘opening my legs for someone else’, eish just convinces some women to stay hoping things will get better.

Comfort zone
How many times have you seen people getting too comfortable and in the process, letting themselves go? Sometimes loving someone so much that you decide you will Become exactly what they want you to be, even if it's not you. Them ladies later realise that the relationship is not going anywhere. Instead of leaving, they choose to stay because they will have to start by finding themselves again.

JUST MY THOUGHTS……… hhhmmmmmm

36 Comments

Tshd21
06 Mar 2008 07:48

Women tend to potray their bfs as the best thing since slice bread......Lol

The paragraph about the comfort zone.... very true I think......

Will come back with my thoughts after hours!!...

mabhebheza
06 Mar 2008 07:59

Hmmmm..interesting "ADMIT The Truth"...phew...stil reading

Pooky
06 Mar 2008 08:41

sometimes i feel like i'm in the fear and the comfort zone ....but what can i say....its........ because i love him...LOL

andi01
06 Mar 2008 08:42

The sex part and the fear part, sdakamiswa apply to me, would you pla a Dr Phil on me, pls my friend.Also the thought of ‘opening my legs for someone else’, sdakwa are u a flie coz i swear you heard that one from me while on my wall, a couple of times.

sponono
06 Mar 2008 08:44

will respond tommorow...very interesting

Nonny
06 Mar 2008 08:57

Interested read, will also respond kusasa,,,,,,,,,,,,,I'm outta here!!!

Vutmi
06 Mar 2008 09:22

wonder why women always lie in the name of love. oh nooo you didnt!! this is the first thing i saw and boy oh boy wait till tommorow, after i read everything. heh ey man!!!!!!

faraimagic
06 Mar 2008 09:35

thinkin of a way to respond !!!!!!!!

poshspice
06 Mar 2008 11:39

nice one....thought provoking...

well It is indeed because of love....sometimes leaving is not always a solution...

I think women are intuitive cause they realise life is not perfect and no relationship is perfect, in the workplace, friendship, siblings, mother and child, and you can't always divorce all situations that are not perfect, some you have to live with them. weigh positive and negatives and make a choice

Some men learn this fact very late in life.actually deep down men know cause they'll also keep the Madam while they embark on vijayjay adventures and testing

women know that even if you leave X for certain weakneses Y will have a different set of weakneses, hence we all wish we could take all our exes positive traits and form our perfect soul mates but it never happens...

Women tend to forget that love between mommy and daddy needs to be part of the equation. eish you have a point man.....the tricky part is in most cases when children are young they actually do want their parents to stay together regardless.....

sjura
06 Mar 2008 11:48

dnt know what to say.....

poshspice
06 Mar 2008 12:02

you've mentioned sex, money, kids, comfort zone,etc...

these different reasons basically mean as human being we have differnt needs to survive.Money or sex might be a thing that make the situation bearable..

it's okay to cry at times but clever women learn to live with the situation provided their key need are met..and make a plan for other needs are met somehow (Mr and Mrs Jones typa of thing is one of the solutions used by matured and clever women, kodwa ungabanjwa, bafika ekhaya sebe sule umlomo )

that's why it is vital for all of us to know ourselves first and what makes us happy.

young women must be careful not to have high expectations, bt know your key needs and what can you compromise on because you will never ever find a perfect man not even close but you will find someone who will meet your most important needs.

mathata
06 Mar 2008 13:31

comfort zone... is -
kids... i feel shame for them
money ..i rather work ko dikhichen than asking someone
Sex......the best thing is to use a condom n enjoy your self,more than that its a lie,anyway its an exercise,Im tired of men who use woman bcz they have money,I rather doit n later I wil be like dont you think you have a problem,in direct you are F*** boring,
Is painful to try to build your life skierlek,some body damp you like hot potato,anyway i will move on with my life,but i will try to hurt him buy saying our sex life was boring,so i can be strong

Louisa_ptl
06 Mar 2008 14:20

...the tricky part is in most cases when children are young they actually do want their parents to stay together regardless.....

I think you are right...I remember reading in the You/Drum Magazine that Khanyi 's youngest Son did not understand why his beloved parents are divorcing. He thought that if his mother and daddy can stay under the same roof ..then why divorce.

PhlyLady
06 Mar 2008 23:35

vijayjay adventures and testing LMAO!! Ouch!!

Nonny
07 Mar 2008 00:54

Mmmmmmmmm Sdakamiswa u talk allot of sense brother, jow I know wht them women are confiding in u so much!!!!

At the moment I am single *ok I meant kinda single, phela nami I need to make sure that ngewinter angibulalwa amakhaza.......LOL* and believe me I know what u are talking about coz I just called it quits after 5 years of being in a heavily steady relationship.........I was once in ur three categories that made me stay in the relationship, and that was fear, SEX *I still pray everynight for God to bless that man's thingie.......LOL* and comfort zone!!!!

Cande
07 Mar 2008 01:14

Im not experienced in these things.Keep them replies coming

Vutmi
07 Mar 2008 01:18

@ Sdakamiswa...wow broer, that's very deep and very true. at first i thought it was some women bashing article. You are telling it lyk it is. Just be patient with us and continue offering a shoulder to cry on....

monchooza
07 Mar 2008 01:25

Sdakamizwa nice one bro...

andi01
07 Mar 2008 01:25

SEX *I still pray everynight for God to bless that man's thingie, was is a bullet???????????????????????????????

Nonny
07 Mar 2008 01:35

Andi.........plz don't make me take a walk down that memory lane coz in my entire life I have never met a man has such passion for sex, he would really his all in making sure that my satisfaction level, was alwas 200%.............*Oh Nkosi yami awungizame ngomunye who won't have his possessive quality that he had that literally drove me insane........LOL*

poshspice
07 Mar 2008 01:38

another side of the coin for this is:

...men do also complain about their women to their mistresses who end up wondering why are you not leaving her then, men also give same reasons : Kids, Family, comfort zone,etc...the mistress will be fed up and leave he'll get another one to fill the gap wifey can't or bring back the vava voom in his life...

mistresses are the shoulder to cry on just like we find 'friends' shoulders to cry on..

so guys be careful cause men also go through same *bleep!*...it's up to you to access you own situation and take it from there...

Nonny
07 Mar 2008 01:40

I meant he would really put his all in making sure.............

azHOT
07 Mar 2008 01:44

Fear
Fear of starting all over again. After investing years in someone thinking that it was meant to go on and on forever, it stops. The relationship passes its sell by date but she still wants to hold on...all because she is afraid of starting all over again.
how do you get iver this? if i had the answer to this question, id be a verry happy woman

Cnglemother
07 Mar 2008 01:45

Nonny was he the type that makes you feel like your cookie is going to fall on the floor while walking in the mall after a passionate encounter with him? uze uyibambe to feel ukuthi isesendaweni yayo na. uhlale ingathi unelukuluku nje elifuna ukuphuma ngenxa yesatisfaction.

azHOT
07 Mar 2008 01:48

iver....over kwenzenjan ngam?

Nonny
07 Mar 2008 01:50

LOL...........Eish wena Cnglemom, I knew that ngizosisola ngokuphatha ezocansi in ur presence............LOL

Mathaz
07 Mar 2008 01:51

As cliche as it may seem i'm still with my husband because i love him.

Nonny
07 Mar 2008 01:54

"how do you get over this? if i had the answer to this question, id be a verry happy woman".............I see someone is fishing for a Dr Phil session, on a Friday nogal...........LOL...........ngiyadlala mngani, Iet me put myself in therapy mode and I will attempt to help u Azhot!!!

sponono
07 Mar 2008 02:06

THIS article reminds me of my favourite George michael song about loving someone who's NOT for you
'Cause I can't make you love me If you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark in these final hours
I will lay down my heart, and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
And I can't make you love me
If you don't

I'll close my eyes and then I won't see
The love you do not feel, when you're holding me
Morning will come, and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then, to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

sponono
07 Mar 2008 02:08

fear and friends are the BIGGEST two reasons women stay in such relationships

i hope girls will print and keep this analysis so that wheneva you're in a relaitonship that is NOT working out you'll know one of these is the reason why you are still hanging on
The problem is KNOWING and finding COURAGE to gettout ...i.e you know its becos of sex/fear whateva..but the DRIVE to get out and give that up..is just not there..

Nonny
07 Mar 2008 02:11

Sponono, I can't remember the song, give me ur no. so u can sing it for me and I'm sure if I hear the tune I'll remember the song.............LOL...........jus kidding..........I know this song!!!

Nonny
07 Mar 2008 02:19

Well ke Azhot, sponono has explained to u short and sweet my friend, I am not a fan of repitition so read Sponono's response over and over again and uzobaright mngani but ke when u know that it's time to let it burn, just let it go........*Azhot have u seen that Let It Go 2 page peom by TD Jakes?? if u haven't let me know and I'll email it 2 u, it might come it handy mngani, well if u have seen it just read it carefully coz it's good for a person like u*!!!

sponono
07 Mar 2008 02:19

Nonny when you listen to George Michael singing it..
saying
all my tears, all these years, there's no use in crying.....

then you know the song is tellin your story.....especially when you watch the dvd....he somehow has the "soul"...and if you're one of those carrying baggage you'll b touched by the truth in the song

Nonny
07 Mar 2008 02:35

*sniff sniff*..............@ Sponono u just made me go to You Tube and watch the DVD NOW and now I am so emotional, I need a DH as in yesterday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

azHOT
07 Mar 2008 02:50

nonny mngani, ngithumelele leyo poem. breaking up is NOT letting go. not 4 me anyway.

LM
09 Mar 2008 01:27

Sdaka broer, everything you said happens all the time and is true.

There is this couple (unmarried with one kid) I know, I'm very clse to the man: They recently moved to an estate but prior that the brada told usista that he prefers to stay alone and the lady should either make a plan to buy her own place or move back to her mom's place. The brada told usista that he will never marry her and if she thinks that he is wasting her time then she can move on....guess what usista did....she begged ubrada to allow her to stay with him and continue with the relationship and see what happens.....the brada eventually agreed...why wouldn't he; sista cleans, cooks, wash n iron clothes for this boet knowing very well that she will never b lobolwad.

For me the situation I described above has the following:

Kids
They hv got +-6 year old kid which they both have to think about before they make any decision. This is the only reason ubrada is still tolerating usista.
Money/lifestyle
Although the sista is working she doesn't earn enough to continue to live the way she is now, should she break up with ubrada or the brada .
Friends
What will her friends say because if she breaks up with him it means she must go back to elokshini. Amongst her circle of friends she is the only on who currently stays in a cluster.
Fear
She has been with this guy for +- 8 years and she will have to start all over again. She tried it once in 2006 but came crawling back and begged to be taken back.

To set the record straight, this guy does not abuse this woman, he's one of those quite and reserved guys. We ladies tend to take these kind of men for granted...we tend to say they are boring, play them for a fool, show no respect and etc....this is what happened in this relationship and the brada just kept quiete and turned a blind eye because there was already a child in the equation....usista regrets what she did but it is too late now because she showed her true colors....ubrada says should he marry her, her attitude will double.

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