What’s better than spending the night in a hotel in beautiful Cape Town? Spending a night in a seaside hotel in beautiful Cape Town without Michelle there! Unfortunately, not only was Keenyah was still present, spoiling the mood a little, but the schmodels got a dinner-time visit from Tyra Winfrey on one of her practice sessions for her talk show.
As if we didn’t know enough about the schmodels issues, Tyra once again feigned concern as they rehashed them. To recap, Keenyah can’t stop shoving things in her mouth, Christina can’t show any emotion because someone forgot to install en emotion chip, Kahlen lacks confidence and Naima has no personality.
Turns out Naima’s lack of personality is not because of being boring (or the copious amount of weed she no doubt smokes) but because of her deep, dark past as a party girl with terrible hair. Now that she is a pothead with merely bad hair, she doesn’t want to get confrontational fear of that former part of her resurfacing.
After Tyra nodded her sympathies and left, Keenyah got up to get a second – or possibly third or fourth – helping. Yes, that’s going to help with those weight issues. I do appreciate that Keenyah’s trying to become the token plus-sized girl since Tyra didn’t cast one this season.
Tyra is gonna be pissed when she sees that room service billThe next morning, it was go-see time. A couple of local modeling industry big-shots gave the girls their instructions – they would have to take taxis to various designers (including Gavin Rajah, who’s the only one I actually know) who would grade them, and they would have to be back before 4:30pm.
I was all excited to see them have to navigate Cape Town in minibus taxis but sadly they weren’t proper taxis with too many passengers, mad drivers and a disregard for stop signs. They were empty taxis with sane taxi drivers who probably obeyed the law and everything. Phooey.
Keenyah was a woman on a mission; that mission being to get as many people to hate her as possible. At a few of the locations, other schmodels got there before her yet she shoved her way to the designer first like a pushy rhino. Even worse, all the clothes the designers gave her to try actually fit. Damn. She’s just lucky she was in SA where we have normal clothing sizes and not like Paris or Japan where they only have sizes -8 and below.
Quick, Kahlen! Throw a cupcake at her to distract her!As 4:30 loomed, the girls raced to get back in time and a timer appeared at the bottom of the screen like something out of 24. Naima ignored the 24 clock ticking ominously down and decided she would go to a few more go-sees. All this with only three minutes to go. Don’t toke and go-see, kids.
The other girls arrived on time and had to wait with big-shot model-booker type until Naima finally arrived 45 minutes late. Ooh, bad Naima. Don’t disrespect the umeboshi like that. Naima was told off and the results of the task were read out. The best go-seer was…Keenyah. Curses!
Keenyah won a night out at an industry party and chose best pal Brittany to go with her because, and I quote, “she’s fun”. So the two of them went partying and Brittany was life of the party as usual. This led Keenyah to fume that Brittany was showing her up. Gah! You picked her because she was fun and now you rag on her because she’s too much fun? Oh, be glad Brittany was there to distract the industry types every time you raided the buffet table.
Morning came. In the interests of reaffirming ANTM’s status as the gayest show on television (at least until Project Runway returns), I should point out that Christina and Kahlen woke up spooning in bed together. Aw, they’re this season’s Eva and Ann, only with less psychotic co-dependence and no lips.
She did say she'd never had a boyfriendThe sleepy schmodels were taken out into the bush where they had to kloof to a waterfall for their shoot. Into the water they went and Brittany kept yelping as if tiny fish were attacking her nether regions. Geez, it’s just water, Brit. It’s not like you gain calories from walking in it.
At the shoot’s location, the girls were faced with a daunting task – they had to make their own wardrobe from the natural materials around them like some unholy union of Survivor and Project Runway.
If you’ve watched Project Runway, you’ll know that the outfits that actual aspiring designers often look like something retarded children would make. So when it comes to retarded models doing the designing, you can imagine the results.
Keenyah decided she would go the Eve route and plaster leaves all over her body to hide her ever-expanding gut. Bet she’s glad they didn’t make her a baobab tree or something this shoot. Brittany (an enthusiastic participant of a few mud-wrestling matches, I bet) rolled around in the mud for her outfit.
And people only complain about etv's late night contentKahlen went for sticks because they remind her of her skinny self. Christina went for bush (no sniggering, please). Naima decided on dirt because she’s as dull as.
Project Runway's Tim Gunn is here to give his opinions on the outfits:
"I'm concerned. I see you're going for a deconstructed Indian princess look but you look like you have foliage growing out of your nipples and head."
"I like the minimalist look here. Very simple yet classic lines."
"Here, the minimalism works less well because of the colour. It makes you look like punk oompah-loompah."
"Be careful of horizontal sticks on your body. They make it look wider than it already is. When gluing sticks to your body, always do them vertically."
"No no, this is all wrong. The giant leaf on your leg not only emphasises your Gumby thighs but makes you look like a venus fly-trap ate your leg. And you're going to need more than three strands of grass to cover up that tummy."
Judgement day. Instead of getting torn about by the judges this week, the schmodels also got to be torn apart by each other. The girls had to judge each other’s photos and proved to be not nearly as interesting as Janice Dickinson in their remarks. There’s an art to judging bitchery, folks. Keenyah especially relished her role as a judgmental bitch.
The girls than had to say who they thought had the most and least potential as a model. Christina got the most “worsts” and Keenyah of all people got the most “bests” proving that the other girls may be dumb but at least they’re not petty.
It soon became clear that Christina was in trouble. The judges proclaimed her robotic, causing her to activate the crying sequence in her program. Some didn’t like her hunched pose in the photo but Tyra proclaimed the hunch to be in this season. Hunchback is the new black.
Fierce!Strangely, even though Christina’s tears left the judges unaffected, Naima also got similar “you have no emotions” comments but her crying actually caused the judges to care about her because she’d finally proved herself to be a real girl. Consistency, thy name is Tyra.
ANTM: Literally sucking the life from aspiring models since 2004So Christina was one of the bottom two but much to my horror, Brittany was the other. What? Madness! Hers was easily the fiercest! But no, turns out that Brittany was there because she wasn’t showing growth. Of course she hasn’t shown much growth! Because she doesn’t suck! The bar’s already set high for her.
Oy. Anyway, Christina got the boot for being a cold fish and started crying again. I think all the eliminees are making themselves cry now so that they don’t get another Ty-rade. A montage of Christina’s photoshoots reminded me how truly terrifying she looked in some of them. Just proof you should never judge a book by its crazy, scary eyes.