I recently had a girls nite out were we discussed our “issues”; mostly around Men and their inconsiderate ways – well, the normal male bashing sessions. When we were done talking about these species we started looking forward to December and all the merry joy it brings. We are at the end of the year and we are about to get (not everyone but some) ourselves some well deserved rest – those who don’t have children will get some rest.
Anyways, the issue around domestic workers; nannies or maids, was brought up. What kind of relationship is acceptable? We trust the people with our children and the homes we go to work to ensure we have. They are home with your children and possessions that you work your butt for! If you can trust them with your child’s welfare and wellbeing – life; surely you can treat them as part of the family.
How far? How much should she feel “welcome”? A friend of mine retold a sad story about her nanny/maid, let’s call nanny Susan* and my friend Patricia*. Patricia has a 7 month old baby and is 2 years in a marriage. She hired Susan when she about to give birth for Susan to assist with the baby. Patricia and I have a similar background were some of our relatives are nannies/maids. We hear all the horrid stories they tell about their employers and we try to make our nannies/maids feel like a part of the family.
However, Patricia started having difficulties with hubby and this was a very stressful time in her life. She confided in her nanny about the issues that are making her sad and miserable. One evening, Patricia’s husband was out late – it was becoming a habit that Patricia had told Susan makes her uncomfortable. Patricia had spoken to hubby and he had just ignored her request. On this particular evening, Susan took the matter in her own hands. She called Patricia’s husband and said “I know that you guys are having issues but really this is just not on that you are out this late”
Dayum! Gal, I felt she had crossed the line. She clearly had crossed any line that says “Employer/Employee” rights and rules of employment. She had no right to do that. It was just disrespectful to Patricia who had confided in her. But flip the coin, Patricia had also crossed the line by making her feel entitled to an opinion on her marriage. Needless to say, Susan was fired by husband for insubordination. Susan still could not understand what she had done. She left and developed stress related illnesses… she eventually committed suicide because she felt betrayed by her “friend” Patricia.
Patricia carries the pain with her and partly blames herself for all that happened. I would also feel the same if I had been in her shoes. What are the “appropriate ways” of relating to a nanny/maid? What boundaries are grey areas that Employee and employer should know? Patricia’s husband simply says “Do you sit with the CEO of the company and discuss his marital problems? No never! So what makes your home employees different to you at your company?”
December time, our nannies/maids go home to be with their families but those that work for the white families are still around. The white families work through December and take leave in January when the kids go back to school. How do they manage these relationships? Regardless of what anyone says, you still form a bond with the person that ensures that your most precious person is well taken care of. They leave their children and families to ensure you have comfort. It is a mutually benefiting relationship but a hard sacrifice on their part.
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