Men are hopeless, Godforsaken and should be written off human beings! They're utterly clueless! How can a fabulous girl like me be single for soooo long?! It's clearly not my fault! It's something to do with your peanut brains! Le di lathalatha fela!
That said, I still love you guys. And I feel you are missing out on the best opportunity of your life! Cupid must be sleeping!The opportunity of having someone as special and wonderful as Mz Fabulous herself! My ONE this is especially for you: seeing as you're so hopelessly in love with me and just can't bring yourself to show/tell me I am giving you isandla ne ngalo (i hope i said that right!).Miss Fabulous is happy to compile for you THE COMPLETE IDIOT'S GUIDE TO SHELARING me! clap clap clap!!!
Please note you have to abide by ALL of the below mentioned!:
* Take a bath/shower at least once every 24 hours!
Important bits to scrubb...and make sure you scrubb till it's sore just to be on the safe side: mtsintsila, magwafe, the balls and the pp, the feet.
* Good clean teeth and an awesome smelling breath are an absolute must!
Note that teeth, unlike washing yourself, need a good scrubbing more than once in a 24 hr period! And don't forget the tongue!
* Deoderant is meant for everyday usage...
that means everyday after a bath u put a good amount on, it's not meant for "special occasions" only!
* Some hairstyles are meant for WOMEN ONLY!
In lamen's terms - no hair at all (chiskop),only short short hair (brush) and dreads are acceptable!
* Always, ALWAYS look your best!
Make sure hair is neat and tidy, a good clean shave ALWAYS!, keep nails ...ALL the nails; clean and short, ensure your shoes aren't smelly and if they are; DON'T wear them!, a cologne is nice to wear...not too much though, bofela lebanta mo lethekeng; NOT mo mkhabeng!
Now if you manage to make it thru PART 1 then you're halfway there...
* Don't be shy... to tell Kele just how Fabulous she is!
Tell Kele she's beautiful, fine, funny, has a beautiful smile...how good she looks in that dress/hairstyle
* Keep the compliments coming! But don't be a perv...
I don't need you to tell me gore ke a "gadisa" (I know!)or that ke "ntofontofo"(I know!)...these are absolute NO-NO'S when addressing a LADY. Imagine you're talking to the mother of your kids here...the woman who's respect you're trying to gain here got that? Good!
* It's OK to say what you feel but DON'T overload!
It's absolutely acceptable for you to tell me how much you would like to get to know me...it's ok to say I'm someone you could have in your life. It's not OK to tell me you love me please!
*Be specific
You want to take me out, tell me! Specify a time and place. Ask if it suits me and stick to the agreement!
We're almost there...during the date, remember!:
* Always tell the truth!
If and when you're running late call and say so! But make sure you get there, with an apology gift! hehehe
* Remember to look and smell EXTRA GOOD
Refer to point no 1/2/3/4/5...except a little bit more!
* Be charming, a gentleman and an ATTENTIVE one!
Be speechless when u c me...take a breath and say how much you're looking forward to the evening. Always remember to throw in a comliment at least once every 5 minutes seeing as you can't get enough of my smile. Laugh at all my jokes. Small talk is Ok...as long as it's not boring! Remember, be a MAN...lead the conversation...the food...us! Take control! If you don't know ask your grandfather what they mean when they say African Male!
* At the end of the date
Tell me what a FABULOUS time you have and how you want to do it again. Chat some more. Lean in for an mba kiss but try to turn it into a Rreal kiss if u c me responding. Say you'll call me and DO IT!
* NEVER FORGET
U r not allowed to stop doing all of this! Even after the 10th date! U need to remind me always, ALWAYS, of why I should continue seeing you!
With all that said....I'll be waiting....patiently...