Good Lord, it’d been ages since my last Soap Dish article. Why, as many as three or four whole Days days may have passed. When I last left the Salemites, they were still trapped on Melaswen, Jen’s baby was merely an unborn foetus as opposed to an unseen newborn, Belle was still the dreadful Charity Rahmer, Sami and Lucas weren’t engaged yet and Chloe wasn’t a hideous freak.
Since then, so much has happened. A quick rundown:
Jen’s baby, which Lexie claimed would be horribly deformed, was born. To the surprise of no-one, it was absolutely fine.
The Melaswenites faced Tony and Stefano’s cigar-smoking skeleton in his underground lair. Tony made a volcano explode. Everyone lived and escaped from the island, until a giant tidal wave came. Everyone lived, except a few people were picked up by a Japanese fishing trawler. They are presumed dead by the rest of Salem despite the fact that death never sticks in the damn town.
The fishing trawler captives were taken to a castle in remotest Germany where they are being tortured by watching streaming videos of what’s happening in Salem. Now they know how us viewers feel.
Shock of shocks, Cassie appeared just to assure us she was on the island. She promptly disappeared again. She later reappeared in the Japanese fishing trawler and the German castle. No-one is bothering to torture her by showing her videos of what a pussy Rex has become. She was last seen running away from guards.
Billie, newly recast and considerably less lippy, returned to Salem. Cue Bo/Billie/Hope triangle part 74.
Sami and Lucas got engaged. Belle and Blockhead got engaged. Belle stole Sami’s wedding date from right under her. Blockhead was called to war.
Shawn became (even more) brain-damaged in a motorbike accident. This caused him to become a drunk and an emotionally abusive asshole to Belle. This is apparently not his fault because Jan has the power to control people, or something.
Mimi thought she had…cancer of the uterus but it turned out she was actually pregnant. So she had an abortion of the uterus without telling Rex.
Got that? Good. Let’s move on.
This Is Your Eyebrow On Drugs
While escaping from Melaswen, John became terribly injured and was paralysed for a spell. A Mysterious Figure came in and injected him with drugs until he was a junkie. The Mysterious Figure turned out to be Tek. This reveal was months ago. They have still not followed up on this.
John is not sweating bucketloads and reaching new, untapped heights of bad acting as his addiction takes hold. Everyone was completely oblivious to his addiction despite the fact that he’s twitchier than an ant getting fried and developed two weeks’ worth of stubble in a day.
Only one person was smart enough to recognise John’s addiction; Nicole. No-one believed her (fools!) until they saw John inject himself with whatever he’s addicted to. Sweatuprofen, I think. They had an intervention, the most notable part of which was when John called Kate a whore. John was made to see the error of his ways when he pushed Kate to the ground and is now seeking help. And by help, I mean bonking Kate.
Reason no. 75 why drugs are bad: Kate-sex
Hit The Road, Jack
Tony DiMera is keeping Caroline, Victor, Marlena, Roman, Cassie and Jack in a remote German castle. Well, he was but Jack has since escaped. Donning one of those big Russian fur hats to blend in with the local population (because he thinks they’re in Siberia, I guess) and, most cleverly of all, fooled the locals by putting on a bad German accent and pretending to be one of them. See, this is the part of Germany where they all speak accented English.
He managed to get hold of a phone and left a message for Jen. No, I don’t know why he didn’t phone the Salem PD. Maybe because he has about as much trust in them as they deserve, which is to say none. Unfortunately, the message was accidentally deleted. Shoulda phoned Alice Horton, Jack. She’s always at home.
Jack then found a boat that was heading straight to Salem (because this is the part of Germany that borders the ocean) and offered his services as a laundry-man in exchange for transportation there. Why he wouldn’t get off at the next port where the DiMeras have no influence and just phone Salem, I don’t know. Must be the fumes from the washing powder confusing him.
Back in Salem, Jen thinks Jack is dead. Yeah, like that never happens. Her grief was so great that she made a very dodgy choice in hairstylists and got an ugly fringe. Jen, no loss is worth that ugly-ass hair.
Oh to be as blind as Abe and not have to look at this thing
Abby, who has been SORASed from an annoying pre-teen you want to slap into an annoying teen you want to slap, refuses to believe her dad is dead. Everyone else tells what a crazy thing it is to believe. Yeah, it’s not like half of Salem was killed and then later magically turned up alive or anything.
Midnight Train To Chelsea
Billie and Bo discovered a shocking thing when they came back from Melaswen: their daughter Georgia is actually alive. How shocking is it? She was stillborn and buried in a swamp so pretty damn shocking.
In a remarkable burst of coincidence which surely has nothing to do with anything, a character named Chelsea, who is the same age as Georgia would have been and is dark-haired just like Bo and Billie, appeared at the same time they found this out. Chelsea is Abby’s new friend and is kind of skanky just like Kate-related females tend to be. This of course is completely coincidental and not related to the Georgia storyline in any way at all.
Now the dialogue for any Billie/Bo/Hope scenes typically goes like this:
BILLIE: Georgia Georgia Georgia! We must find Georgia! Where are yoooouuuu, Georgia.
BO: Billie, you’re too stupid to find Georgia without falling into DiMera’s traps. I’ll help you.
HOPE: [Glares at Billie]
BILLIE: Georgia! Is that you, Georgia! Bo, I think we found Georgia!
BO: Billie, that’s a mirror.
HOPE: [Glares at Billie]
BILLIE: Nooo! We have to find Georgia! [Phone rings] I wonder if that’s Georgia! [Answers] Georgia??!! It’s me, Georgia! Mommy! [Pause] It’s for you, Bo.
BO: [Takes phone] Hello? Why yes, I am interested in hearing about how I can save 30 percent on car insurance.
HOPE: [Glares at Billie]
Bo and Billie went to a remote German village (which just happened to be the remote German village where the ‘dead’ Salemites are being held) and tracked down a sixteen-year-old adopted girl called, yes, you guessed it, Georgia. First they were fooled by a fake couple (one of whom was a man in drag), then they were fooled by a dummy dressed up as Georgia but finally the met Georgia herself, a German teen with an atrocious French accent.
BILLIE: GEORGIA, IT’S YOU! MOMMY’S HERE!
GEORGIA: ‘Oo ze ‘ell are you, crazy lady?
BILLIE: I’m your mommy, come to take you home!
BO: And I’m your daddy come because your mommy’s too stupid to find you without getting killed. Say, what’s with the accent?
GEORGIA: I’m French, why do zink I have zis outrageous accent!
BO: Wait, aren’t you supposed to be German?
GEORGIA: Oh right. Whoops.
MR AND MRS GEORGIA: Who the hell are you and why are you taking away our beloved daughter?
BILLIE: We’re her biological parents therefore we have every right to wrench her away from the only parents she’s ever known and take her back to Salem to stay with us.
BO: We do? Right, we do. Give us our daughter so she may populate our teen scene and date her distant relations.
MR AND MRS GEORGIA: Wait, we have a letter from you.
BILLIE: [Reads] “Ha ha, fooled you. Not the real Georgia. Better luck next time, losers. Signed Tony.” Damn you, DiMeraaaaaa!
Back in Salem, Billie was so distraught that she got drunk and arrested for punching out a police officer in a bar. Sadly, the police officer wasn’t Bo. Hey, it could’ve been worse. She could’ve gotten a dodgy fringe.
Now, for reasons of contrivance and stupidity, Billie must say in Salem but *gasp* has nowhere to live. Er…Kate’s house? Lucas’ place? A motel? Nope, apparently the only place Billie can stay is with Bo and Hope. Oh, this isn’t going to cause trouble at all.
Patrick’s Milkshake Brings All The Girls To The Yard
Patrick is wearing a shirt a bit more often than he usually does. A good thing too because he already has half of Salem after him and he’d probably have the other half after him if he were to stop wearing shirts altogether.
Jen is enamoured of Patrick because he helps with Baby Jack Junior. Hope has seen him naked and made out with him a few times, all to fool the DiMera minions of course. Bo is obsessed with him because he’s convinced that he’s still working for Tony. Billie goes to clubs with him and gets drunk with him. Chelsea wants a piece of his ass because she’s kind of a ho just like her deal old grandma.
Clearly, few people can resist the hypnotising power of Patrick’s nipples.
Mimi’s Problem…Of The Uterus
Jan found out about Mimi terminating her pregnancy without telling Rex and is blackmailing her about it, giving her baby dolls and the like to remind her that she owns her. Mimi is torn between her desire to keep Rex and her scary, scary Belle and Shawn obsession.
So Mimi is risking the wrath of Jan to get Belle and Shawn back together. But there seems to be some sort of karmic punishment in store for her creepy Belle and Shawn obsession abortion. A parasitic creature has attached itself to her head and is sucking what little nourishment it can find from her brain. No wait, that’s just her hair.
Seriously, MAKE ME BLIND NOW!
She’s also begun bleeding from down there so either Lexie misdiagnosed her as pregnant when she really does have cancer of the uterus or her abortion led to terrible, terrible consequences.
I think it might be a case of the dreaded illness Ally McBealitus because she’s seeing random babies everywhere. Creepier is that they’re not dancing but talking in Jan’s voice. I think the infection of her uterus has spread to her brain!
Make Love, Not War
Poor retarded Shawn. He spent his summer drinking and emotionally abusing Belle only to see her lose her precious golden cherry to Philip and get engaged after two seconds. The sex couldn’t have been that good, Belle.
Minutes before the Belle and Philip wedding was due to take place, Shawn finally realised he still loved the Blessed ex-Virgin and rode his motorbike through the church window. Quote the romantic maniac, isn’t he? Unluckily, no-one was badly injured, not even Belle and Philip. Honestly, this is why the developmentally disabled shouldn’t be allowed to drive.
Awww, it's nice that this soap shows diversity and incorporates characters with Down's Syndrome into their storylines.
That very day, Philip was due to be shipped off. Mere seconds after he’d buggered off to the base, Belle realised she was still in love with her brain-damaged ex and tried to catch Philip and tell him.
Isn’t that a lovely surprise to get before you’re shipped off to a warzone? They were unable to tell him due to Jan’s machinations and Philip’s complete dimness so now Private Blockhead is happily fighting a CGI war in Iraq as Shawn and Belle carry on behind his back. Belle plans on letting Philip down gently – by sending an email:
Hi Phil
Howz Irok? Salem is kewl!!!1 Oh btw Shawn and I are in luv and I am dumping you for him. Hope you don’t get shot down there LOL!
Luv
Belle
XOXOXOX
The Phantom Of The Opera-girl
Chloe’s looks have been changed forever! Which is especially bad since she doesn’t have much else going for her. So she’s popped back into Salem for a face-saving plastic surgery procedure that can reduce her terrible bacon-face to something slightly less lunch-meat-looking.
Mmm, I have a sudden hankering for eggs and toast.
Ah, Salem, home of the world’s greatest plastic surgeons. If you don’t believe me, just check out Marlena and how good she looks for a three-hundred-year-old.
Coincidentally, Brady and Nicole just happened to be visiting the clinic to see young Clara, a burn victim who just happens to be in the room right next to Chloe’s. Nicole has decided to donate some money to help poor Clara.
CLARA: [Runs in excitedly] Thank you for your money! Now I can afford to buy a paper bag to cover my horribly scarred face! [Runs out excitedly]
DR NOT MCSTEAMY: Your donations are a real help to sweet Clara. We’ve already found a nook for her underneath the Salem opera house. We have a patient here who’s helped her immensely. Her voice is so lovely, it seems to take away pain.
BRADY: Oh my god, I can’t believe it. Cher is here?
DR NOT MCSTEAMY: Er no. Our patient, whom for suspense purposes, I’m not going to name, is a lovely young woman with the voice of an angel. Perhaps you’d like to meet her?
BRADY: Would I ever! Is it Madonna?
DR NOT MCSTEAMY: No. I’ll just go get her.
BRADY: Please tell me it’s Barbra! I loved her in Funny Girl.
CHLOE: Woe woe woe, I am a freak. Brady must never see me like this.
NANCY: Chloe, you must tell Brady you’re alive. You have so much more to offer than your face. Like your cleavage.
DR NOT MCSTEAMY: A couple of people are here to see you.
CHLOE: Ooooh, visitors. I hope I don’t scare them away with my terrifying face. Woe woe woe. Who is it that wishes to gaze into the ruinous remains of my once beautiful face?
DR NOT MCSTEAMY: Some balding gay guy and a drunken blonde woman
CHLOE: Noooo! Send them away! Brady can never see what a monster I have become; my face as disgusting as this hospital food in front of me. Woe woe woe!
Kate Wins Mother-of-the-Year Yet Again
Kate’s only got her children’s best interests at heart. That’s why she decided breaking up Lucas’ relationship and shattering his heart into a million pieces in the process was the right thing to do.
She teamed up with Eugenia, who is enraged at Sami for getting her fired and causing her to lose her pension. Now Eugenia must work seventeen jobs at the same time, none of which have that all-important pension.
First Sami and Lucas tried to elope, only to find out Sami was still married to Brandon. Then Sami got an annulment but Kate sent a fake email to Brandon to get him back to Salem. She must have been reading Jan’s Big Book Of Tea Recipes because she drugged Brandon and Sami’s drinks and stuck them in bed together to make it look like they’d slept together.
On the day they were supposed to get married, Lucas caught them and angrily called the wedding off. It’s not a Sami wedding without a pissed-off groom. Bright side, Sami? You don’t get to have Kate as your mother-in-law.