The great Hippie/MoJo rivalry has finally come to an end and it is the bearded hippie bastards who have come out on top over the whiny plastic dimwits.
Last week I found myself donning my imaginary Team MoJo T-shirt and praying for them to beat the Hippies. This week, I found that I just couldn’t give a rat’s ass about them anymore and delighted in their every failing. This is due to the fact that they were up against YoRay for last place and I didn’t want to see YoRay eliminated. Mostly. That and the extreme sucking that MoJo tend to do in every scene.
Hippie haters and Hippie foot fetishists alike will recall that BJ ended up with no shoes and, more disturbingly, no pants at the end of the last leg. Thankfully, he at least had baggy underwear so we were spared the sight of a Richard Hatch-esque blur following him around wherever he went.
The other teams took pity on him and decided to leave him some shoes and pants. And by took pity, I mean they had to deal with twelve hours of smelly feet and half-nude hippie, so the gifts were far less altruistic than one might think.
MoJo left them nothing but their scorn and contempt, the gift that keeps on giving. This is because, according to the oh-so-loving Hippies, MoJo are not giving people. Unlike the Hippies themselves who like giving things like Yields and Athletes Foot infections.
This is untrue. MoJo are extraordinarily giving people. Moanica in particular has given me countless amusing screencaps for my recaps. Plus, the way she goes through tissues in any given episode, she has probably given the employees of Kleenex enough money for plenty of fat Christmas bonuses in the next few years.
BJ almost didn’t put on the donated pants because he was worried that the “gay pants” (so named because Eric and Jeremy touched them as they dropped off some sandals) Yolanda had given him would make him look stupid. NOW he’s worried about looking stupid? Talk about a steep learning curve. In the end, he decided to risk the attentions of Darwin’s gay population and donned the pants. This immediately drew a crowd of oversexed Australian women who paid him to take it all off. If that isn’t a sign that all Aussies are sexual weirdoes, than I don’t know what is.
It's like some nightmare version of the Chippendales!
Well, at least I have something to erase the trauma of Fran and Barry talking about sex.After talking about how awesome they were for several tedious minutes, BJ and Tyler finally made their (mercifully clothed) way to the airport and got a later flight to Thailand than the other teams.
The teams had to take a bus to a sacred monkey sanctuary where the monkeys are worshipped and adored. It’s better than a sacred rat temple, I suppose. MoJo were unlucky enough to get the shifty-eyed taxi driver from hell, who gave them wrong information about ticket-buying and caused them to miss the first bus that the Frats and YoRay took. Even worse for MoJo, the Hippies managed to get an earlier bus as well once they landed.
At the sanctuary, a monkey tried to sexually harass Jeremy. I think that’s karmic payback for the several thousand lame come-ons the women of the world (and us viewers) had to endure. It’s also the most action Jeremy’s seen since he started on the race.
"BAD MONKEY! Only Eric is allowed to touch my special place like that!"
"Time to spank the monkey."The Hippies and YoRay decided to go for the Fast Forward in which they had t participate in a popular after school activity; cricket. Eating it, that is. Apparently in Thailand, the popular saying is “Oh boy, Mom remembered locust!”
The Frats decided to stick with the Roadblock, which was to prepare a delicious fruit feast for the monkeys. Man, the monkeys get to eat better food than the kids. Jeremy, the monkey whisperer, decided to take on the task. Ooh, the amorous monkeys are going to love him. He’s like their version of The Naked Chef.
Meanwhile, at the Fast Forward, the Hippies and MoJo were each handed two giant bowls full of delicious grasshopper to finish. It was seriously a lot of grasshoppers. I don’t think the Ten Plagues of Egypt saw this many grasshoppers. Yolanda took one bite of grasshopper and realised she couldn’t eat a whole swarm of the little buggers. She and Ray hightailed it off, leaving BJ and Tyler free to win the FF. That is, if they could ever finish the bowl in time. Dun dun DUN.
Phil auditions for the Top Chef hosting gig.By now, MoJo had arrived at the monkey RB. The monkeys kept stealing food from the contestants’ preparation tables. Honestly, they’re worse than I am when I’m baking a cake and can’t stop tasting the batter. YoRay soon arrived and all three teams managed to feed the monkeys their feast without accidentally poisoning them.
The Hippies were not having such a great meal. They likened the experience to Turkish prison (where you apparently get forcefed giant bowls of fried insects, who knew?) and vomited a lot. Eventually they managed to finish the bowls by hiding the remaining crickets in their beards. With a country-specific cry of T-Thai (and I thought there was no way TTOW could get any more annoying), they set off to find Phil.
Did you know that grasshoppers are an aphrodisiac to Hippies?At the Pit Stop, our ancient and hated enemy the Travelocity Gnome once again made an appearance. The teams had to give Phil an envelope they had picked up back at the monkey sanctuary and if it contained the Golden
Ticket Gnome, they would be whisked off to Phil’s gnome factory to watch how the evil critters are manufactured first hand.
The other teams had to choose between painting gold leaf on a Buddha statue and carrying a load of 72 pots to a given destination. The Frats and YoRay went for the make-your-own-Buddha task and put their Nursery School art skills to the test.
MoJo went for the pot. It seemed to be going smashingly well at first but soon Moanica’s feet of clay were revealed when she kept dropping all her pots. What a vase…waste of perfectly good merchandise. Instead of keeping going, Moanica pottered about and cried about how she had let Joseph down and shattered his dreams into a million pieces. What a crackpot. She’s a few pots short of a kitchen, that one.
Nice jugs.This was their downfall. Eric and Jeremy skidded into second place and YoRay took the last place in the finale shortly afterwards, as well as the Golden Gnome. Good thing Ray’s a hustler because their hustling helped them beat MoJo. Hooray!
"Yolanda, I know Cloud9's relentless innuendo-filled screencaps this week have got you hot and bothered but is now really a good time?"MoJo came in soon afterwards and were told they were out of the race. Guess what Moanica did. No, go on, guess. As she bawled, the two of them explained how this race had brought them together (Seriously?
That was them being brought together) and how their relationship blah blah blah boringness. They could’ve at least bitched about the Hippies one last time and made it interesting.
Next week: Part one of the finale. Find out what happens when Tyler has a plan so cunning, you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel. It involves rollercoasters. And over elaborate winking. Ooh…