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Sorry ‘bout that. That’s just me slamming my head down against the keyboard repeatedly. The first time that the Hippies were saved was bad enough but watching them benefit from another Non-Elimination after their total douchiness this episode was damn near intolerable.
It put a damper on an otherwise enjoyable episode, probably the most exciting of the season. Come to think of it, Hippie salvation is what ruined the fab Oman episode as well.
Proof: Hippies ruin lives. Or at least TAR episodes.
The big theme of the episode was the growing animosity between the Hippies and MoJo. The Hippies love the race and just want to be pleasant and happy to everyone. Except for MoJo whom they hate. They’re all sunshine and puppy dogs when they talk about them of course, hiding their dislike under a jokey tone. But, like most things Hippie-like, this comes across as totally fake.
The Hippies talked about getting their revenge on MoJo Yielding them for their eeevil penny-pinching ways last week. Otherwise, the Hippies praised their cheerful attitude that had gotten them this far without resorting to any trickery or deceit. Because threatening to Yield another team for not giving of their own resources to help you compete against them is a totally good guy thing to do.
MoJo for their part didn’t mask their dislike for the other team under veiled smiles and faux-friendliness. MoJo hate those nasty, tricksy hobbitses but are honest about it. I’m on Team MoJo here, which is rather like being on Team Bubonic Plague over Team Ebola if you think about it, but still.
The first task was to get to some Swan Bell tower. Moanica asked for directions only to encounter the Australian version of Eric and Jeremy. “We’ll tell ya where it is if you give us a kiss,” one of them Aussied before he realised Joseph was right behind her. Wonder why these Australian blokes were so horny? Was there a sheep shortage I didn’t hear about?
The Swan Bell tower was a bunching point so the teams were forced to interact as they waited for it to open. Eric and Jeremy did the usual flirty thing mixed with gay jokes about themselves while the Hippies observed, twirling their flea-ridden moustaches. Seeing Eric talk to Moanica, a scheme formed in their supposedly good-natured brains to cause trouble between Moanica and Joseph by pointing out to him that Eric was flirting with Moanica. This brilliant plot may have been tempered somewhat by the fact that Joseph was RIGHT THERE when the supposed flirting took place. So good luck with
that, you tie-dye-wearing bastards.
"Ha ha, this is my sexay, man-catching laugh."
"Uh...yeah."For people who are so proud of their lack of deceit and trickery, trying to cause friction in a relationship by making nasty insinuations is really rather a shitty and hypocritical thing to do, isn’t it? But I forget, these are the Hippies whose every move, even the really dirty kind, is filled with goodness and light.
The Frats by contrast don’t go around proclaiming how great they are when they get sneaky. The teams all phones for cabs to come pick them up in the mornings, and the Frats deliciously decided to phone back the cab company and cancel all but their cab. Ooh, very Boston Rob. I like it.
"Hi, can you help me? I'm looking for Amanda. Amanda Hugginkiss."The plan backfired when their own cab didn’t show up either. Only MoJo’s came so the other teams were left thinking that it was them who had cancelled the cabs. Eric and Jeremy didn’t exactly disagree.
The Hippies, who had only moments before decided not to steal MoJo’s cab (how noble of them) by proclaiming “A million bucks is not worth pissing someone off” suddenly felt the need to get their own back by Yielding them (as if they weren’t going to do it anyway) and putting Operation “Tell Joseph another guy was flirting with his girlfriend even though he was right there to see it” into action. So much for not pissing anyone off.
I actually didn’t hate the Hippies before this episode. They tired me out watching them play up to the camera so much, sure. Up until now, I had only felt intense dislike for their overplayed Hippie asses. Their hypocritical claptrap about honesty and playing the good guys when they’re just as bad as anyone else in the race just pushed me over the edge so now I am a full-blown, card-carrying, flag-waving member of the Hippies-Must-Be-Eaten-By-Crocodiles Alliance.
Good thing then that the next stop was the Crocodylus Park (Crocodiles always sound classier in Latin) so there was a chance of crocodile-on-Hippie violence. YoRay made a joke about crocs not being able to digest plastic Barbie Moanica. And even if one did, you know Moanica would just spend all that time in its stomach crying and whining until it vomited her out again.
The teams were all give identity bracelets, presumably to identify the bodies should the crocs get too frisky. That’ll save time. No racers were harmed in the making of this episode and the crocs didn’t do a thing. They must have just been fed. Or maybe the rank Hippie odour put them off their food.
Now the moment everyone had been waiting for. The Yield was coming up. BJ and Tyler grinned with delight at the thought of MoJo revenge while MoJo themselves hotfooted it to try and Yield the Hippies first.
Goooo Team MoJo! Come on, MoJo, get to the Yield and…ah, dammit. The Hippies got there first by mere seconds and Yielded MoJo. Moanica started to cry and whine about how unfair it was. Goddamit, Hippies. You see what you’ve done? Now I have to endure another Moanica whinefest because of you.
The other teams rushed past to do the Roadblock, which was to skydive out of a plane. Have you ever noticed the Australia/New Zealand episodes seem to be taken out of extreme sports tourism brochures? Skydiving, zorbing, abseiling, off-road racing and so on feature very prominently whenever TAR travels to Australasia.
Nostril-cam!As they waited for their partners to get ready for the skydiving, Yolanda (who was absolutely adorable and funny this episode so I’m taking away the Yomama nickname I gave her for being crazy over Ray’s “cussing”) and Jeremy started faux-flirting and joking around with each other. It was cute. Should their shipper name be Yoremy or Jolanda?
Anyway, people dove out of planes as Moanica wept and Joseph looked annoyed. The Hippies passed them with a TTOW (which means “circle of the universe” in Idiotese) and Moanica muttered “TTOW my ass”. My thoughts exactly, Moanica. Now stop whining because it’s making me look bad sharing my thoughts with you.
MoJo then had a patented Big Stupid Fight Over Nothing as the sands of their timer ran out. They went on like this for a bit before they realised the hourglass was empty. How very Fran and Barry of them. The twits ran off with a good amount of time to make up. Would they do it?
Their chance came in the Detour. It was a choice between a hard one-mile trek through spider-infested waters and an option involving learning to play a note on the didgeridoo. The Hippies and Frats picked the spider-hike thinking it would go faster. It didn’t.
Ray and Yolanda did the didgeridoo and Yolanda had a great time of it, laughing her ass off at the sounds she was making. They completed it quickly and rushed off to the Pit Stop where they got a very shiny first place. Yay! They were so fun and good-natured this week that they deserve it. The prize was kind of crappy because it involved leasing a car for a year but hey, it’s better than batteries, aint it?
Whatever Yolanda's on? I want some.Far behind them, MoJo also chose to do the didgeridoo. This turned out to be their saving grace as they whizzed through it and got back on the main road the same time as the Hippies and Frats did, and I do mean the same time. They all drove behind one another and prepared for a footrace, as the music mounted.
No, I am not going to put a smutty caption here. Get your minds out of the gutter, people.Moanica didn’t think she could outrun the Hippies. She couldn’t. But, as the three teams all thrillingly ran to the Pit Stop where a lasso-wielding greeter was showing off like he was Crocodile Dundee, BJ tripped and almost fell in the river. Moanica passed him and MoJo managed to make it to the mat just after the Frats and seconds before the Hippies.
Yay! I don’t even like MoJo but watching them beat the Hippies after the faux-nice underhanded *bleep!* they tried to pull was oh so satisfying. Sadly, momentary satisfaction was the only thing I could get out of it because treacherous Phil announced that it was a Non-Elimination leg and that the Hippies were safe.
"Non-Elimination? You have got to be *bleep!* kidding me!"I wept! I wailed! I threw myself to the ground and rent my clothes like a Moanica possessed! No, I didn’t but I pouted and gave Phil a nasty glare. Thanks, Phil. Thanks a lot for ruining what would’ve been the best episode this season.
The Hippies once again claimed niceness when Joseph suggested they had been playing mind games and starting rumours. “There were no mindgames,” they lied. Dudes, just because MoJo don’t have much of a mind to play games with doesn’t mean that shit-stirring you were doing wasn’t playing mindgames so zip your lips
And here's a little treat for all you Hippie foot fetishists out there.Next week: Monkeys try to achieve what the crocodiles did not and attack the racers in Thailand. Eric and Jeremy are caught in flagrante delicto with a Bangkok ladyboy.