Please Note: Originally published on March 16, 2007 upon it's original airing on M-Net, this Recap has been reposted by author, Charmed_Dude for the purposes of updating SABC 3 viewers upon it's original SABC 3 airdate of July 13, 2009!Last Year:
In a what appears to be an elaborate home in Lakeview Drive, Mary Alice Voice Over (hereafter referred to as MAVO) introduces us to a new plot, Something terrible happened in Lakeview Drive last year. With a similar intro as the pilot. Mary Alice tells us that when Alma Hodge awoke that day, she didn’t know that day would be the day she left her husband. Alma is the perfect Stepford Robot wife and does her chores as instructed by her husband how he wants it, and she follows his orders to the last finest detail.
But was just before noon while Alma was doing some needle work, tells her parrot, that she loves her baby [the parrot] and asks does the baby [the parrot] love Mama [Alma]. When suddenly Alma ‘breaks’, assuming she realises her state of unhappiness and she decides that it’s time to ‘fly away.’ Before a brilliant shot of her looking up into the mirror through the bird cage and seeing herself trapped as like she was imprisoned in her own home. So Alma Hodge decided it was time to leave. However she dared not mention this to her husband, he is under the impression that she is happy and Orson Hodge does not like to be contradicted. In case you don’t know, Orson is Susan and Bree’s dentist friend from last season who knocked over Mike in a hit and run.
So she waited till he left for work, and then decided to pack up and make a quick exit and leave, while Orson decides to return home because of the parrot’s messing on his suit, and catches Alma in the act of leaving him.
The next day Carolyn Bigsby stopped by, and classic line from MAVO, “and like all nosy neighbours, she knew that you learnt more, when you didn’t knock.” Sounds like a Mrs. Huber of Wisteria Lane doesn’t it! Carolyn walks in to finding Orson cleaning and uses the excuse that Alma didn’t make an appearance to their coffee date earlier that morning. Orson tells Carolyn that Alma left the day before, they had a fight. Carolyn comments that her husband Harvey and her heard raised voices. It’s then when the parrot, that repeats everything chirps in, “Orson, No. Orson, No. Orson, No” creating a suspicion in Carolyn.
MAVO continues, “Yes Orson Hodge was a man who didn’t like to be contradicted,” showing Orson taking something out to the trash, “by anyone.” Revealing the empty parrot cage. He killed the bird, can you believe it!
6 Months Ago:
The timeline shifts to ‘6 Months Ago’ (where Season 2 left off), and we’re on a very raining Wisteria Lane. Shock, I think this is the first time in the three years we’ve been on this road, that there’s actually some other weather other than sunshine.
“It doesn’t rain very often in the town of Fairview, but when it does, it pours,” MAVO introduces the setting and scene to the viewers. It was the same day that Bree van der Kamp went on her first date with Orson Hodge, which ended in a kiss in the rain. This happened at the same time Gabrielle Solis (hereafter known as Gabby) was consulting her new divorce lawyer and discussing her husbands affair with her maid, who also happened to be Carlos and Gabby’s surrogate.
Meanwhile Lynette Scavo was meeting Tom’s love child and the child’s mother, Nora. While resisting the urge to strangle the girls mother. This happened after Susan Meyer had learnt that Mike had been injured in a seriously hit and run car accident, and was now in a coma in Fairview Memorial Hospital. Edie Brit is putting up a ‘For Sale’ sign at the former Young Home. This is what rainy days are good for; they make everything clean again, which is necessary on a street like Wisteria Lane, where everything gets so messy.
Present Day:
It’s still raining, six months later- twice in one episode! Wow! Edie is hosting a massive Open Day at the Young’s house and invites various potential buyers when she notices Karen McClusky sharing the things you never want to hear when buying a house, about Felicia’s fingers being found, Paul being missing and someone dying in the house. Edie quickly takes her aside, and being Edie, she has to insult her;
Edie: What are you trying to do to me, you backstabbing cow!
Mrs. McClusky: They ask why the owner is selling, I tell them Paul Young is in jail. They ask why. Conversation has a flow.
Edie: Well knock it off. I’ve been trying to unload this house of horrors for months now, and you are not helping.
(Edie escorts her to the door, but Mrs. McClusky helps herself to the finger food.) Aaaa, those are for potential buyers. Withered old mooch.
Mrs. McClusky: Good luck trying to find some of those, maybe you’ll have an easier time with the Applewhite’s house and that ‘rec’ room in the basement.
Edie: Get out. Get out. Get out, get out, get out.
(She pushes her out the door.) Okay it’s a given they just had to make one reference to the Applewhites, it’s a stain we can’t exactly wash off our memories.
Over at the Scavos and new extended family, Kayla and Nora, they ‘cheaper by the dozen’ family are planning on doing taking their Christmas Portraits and Lynette’s allowed Kayla to be in the photo. However Nora insists she wants to be in it and joins in, to a very angry Lynette.
Tom: She sat down so quickly, I didn’t know what to say.
Lynette: How about, you’re in the frame bitch move.
Tom: Lynette…
Lynette: No, I am sorry, how much of her crap do I have to put up with? First it’s the little drive by’s, then she’s inviting herself to dinner three times a week, now she wants to be in our Christmas Photo, I’m sorry no that’s not happening!
Nora over hears this and decides to leave because she feels like they not family and unwelcomed, being so childish, I mean wtf, she isn’t even related! She emotionally blackmails Lynette, and she gives in and agrees to her being in the Christmas Photo.
Lynette: Put crazy on the side, we’ll crop her out the frame later.
Lynette goes and adjusts the camera, sets the timer and runs to be included in the picture, moments the flash goes off, Nora decides her position is boring and jumps into centre fame (ala Teri Hatcher and the Vanity Fair Story) and lies on the P3 Kids exposing her boobs which just look like their gonna flow out of the dress. To shock and horror of Tom and Lynette the camera goes off.
My favourite scene of the Premiere, at Gabby’s house, Gabby is bringing a very pregnant (8.5 months to be accurate) laying in her bed. The dialogue and interaction between the two is brilliant. Xeo-Mei seems to have come a long way since we first saw her she was a cooking slave, her English and attitude seems to have improved as well, infact she’s very bitchy!!
Xeo Mei: Where are my crackers?
Gabby: We’re out. But I got you a pickle.
Xeo Mei: Pickles and soup? Who eats that?!
Gabby: Well that’s all I got.
Xeo Mei: Ever heard of a Store?
[Haha, Like Gabby’s going to go out and do Grocery shopping!] (Xeo Mei throws the pickle) Gabby: (Shocked.) You did not just do that!
Xeo Mei: I hate pickles.
Gabby: Pick it up!
Xeo Mei: Doctor say, I only get out of bed to pee, beter for baby. Remember.
(Gabby looks at her and then picks it up.) 
Xeo Mei: Don’t go. I need you to rub my feet. They sore. And doctor say…
Gabby: Oh cut it out Xeo Mei, the doctor didn’t say anything about rubbing your chubby stumps, rub ‘em yourself!
Xeo Mei: You treat me like dirt.
Gabby: Would you rather go and live with Mr. Solis, in a dingy one bed room apartment, with no air-conditioning and no cable. Huh?
(Pause). No, I didn’t think so!
Xeo Mei: You are meanest person I know.
Gabby: I am
THE meanest person! You’ve been in this country a year, modify your nouns damnit!
Xeo Mei: What
A Bitch.
Gabby: (Stunned.) I cannot wait for you to pop out that baby, because when you do, I am putting you on the first plane back to Shanghai and you’re going to be on all fours and a rice pati before the Epidural even wears off.
[Gabby delivered that line amazingly with her increasing in tone done so smoothly it was riveting hilarious!]
Xeo Mei: But you promised to get me apartment in China Town. So I can work with my friend in restaurant and start new life.
Gabby: Tell that to my Chinese friend,
SUE ME!
Brilliant, loved it and just couldn’t stop laughing!
Hey, guess what; It’s still raining and we now go to Susan at the Hospital. Mike’s still in a coma and Susan’s shaving him (cutting him in a lot of places might I add- poor guy). Susan discussed Mike’s condition with the doctor, asking if there’s been any improvement in his MRI, and when can they do the next one. I see Teri’s put on some weight between Season 2 and Season 3 and is looking so good, not like a walking Hope Brady. Susan refuses to give up Hope that Mike will awake and come back to her.
This poor girl is really cursed when it comes to relationships, everything seems to come between her and Mike and now there’s this. She continues to shave him and cuts him again.
Still raining and it’s nighttime. Over at the Van De Kamps, Bree and Orson have had an amazing (as if anything from Bree is less than that) Bree dinner. Orson insists that they still have dessert, even though Bree complains she’s full. When Orson opens up the dessert, it’s and engagement ring. And the most original marriage proposal went as following;
Orson: What do you say Bree, will you marry me?
Bree: (Her Bree Shocked Face). Uhh, this is a little sudden?
Orson: We’ve only known each other for six months, but I’ve loved you every moment of it.
Bree: (Still with her shocked numb face.)
Orson: But if you don’t share my feelings…
[Ah great just use the reverse psychologically stratergy]
We all know Bree would never be able to say no, remember last season when George proposed for her:
Dr. Goldfine: So you agreed to marry him just to be polite?
Bree: Yea, we’ll obviously good manners does have it’s downside.
Continuing with the marriage proposal;
Bree: No, no, I do. It’s just that, uhm, I can’t help be cautious. Since Rex I haven’t been exactly lucky in love.
Orson: I used to feel the same way, when Alma left me I was shattered. But I realise now that it was the luckiest day of my life, because it mean that I was free when I met you. Luck can change Bree. Let me change yours.
Bree: (Long Pause. Looks at Orson with that shocked look still.) Y-Y-Yes.
Orson: Yes.
Bree: Yes I will marry you Orson.
(Orson slips the ring on Bree’s finger)
Oh well here’s to hoping Bree doesn’t end up like Alma, but judging from her track record, her choice in husbands (Rex, George and now Orson) are all poor.
At the hospital, MAVO introduces us to Ian Hainsworth who seems to be in the same situation as Susan as his wife is also in a coma from a horseback riding accident. Ian and Susan seemed to have struck up a friendship, since misery loves company and Ian was loving this company more and more. He even bought Susan a rollex watch since her concept of keeping up with time is poor.
Together for the first time this season, the ladies brunch at a the country club, a very exclusive club according to Bree. Bree is wearing white gloves, which is very 1880’s according to Lynette. The scene feels a bit disjoint and slightly off.
Gabby: Oh generous... that means his good in the sack [
Gabby lecturing the rest of the housewives, as if the other housewives aren’t on par with Gabby’s high drive sex life].
Bree: Actually, err, no, we haven’t had sex yet, we’re waiting until we get married.
Gabby: (Laughs hysterically weird, that you end up laughing at her). Oh My God. Your serious? No sex at all?
[Yes Gabby, that’s quite possible!] Not even a little, emm…
Bree: Whatever your aluding too, No.
Gabby: But your going to get married. You wouldn’t buy a car without at least taking it out for a little test drive. It’s not like you’ve never slept with a guy you’re not married too.
Bree: True, I have in the past, given myself away too freely. How charming of you to bring it up whilst I’m announcing my engagement. But I’d like to think I’ve learnt from my mistakes. So the dinner is at 8 o’ clock, so when we make the announcement, everyone please looked surprised.
Gabby: Well don’t worry I’m just gonna replay the look I had when I found out you hadn’t banged him yet.
Actually reminds me of the scene from
Sex and the City, when Charlotte is announcing her engagement to Trey McDougal (who ironically was also played by Kyle McLachlan aswell). In fact the exact same joke Gabby gives about you wouln’t buy a new car without a little test drive when she finds out Bree and Orson haven’t slept together and they’re waiting till they wed (just like Charlotte and Trey) was also made by Samantha. Mmm, the
Desperate Housewives and
Sex and the City parallels. Overal the scene did feel a bit off, the ladies felt slack, Gabby’s performance was a bit too over top, Lynette and Susan drowned into the background and Bree just felt slightly off.
Over at the Scavo’s, preparing for Parker’s Birthday Party, Lynette’s concerned that Tom’s more afraid of Nora than he is of her. We all know Lynette’s way of keeping Tom in line is to for him to be afraid of her, and she’ll do anything to manipulate the situation in her favour, which is why she’s loved and feared so much.
Lynette: Are you more afraid of Nora, than you are of me?!
Tom: Is that what you think I meant, because that is so not what I meant. You scare the hell out of me baby.
Lynette: Thank You.
I love how Lynette wears the pants in this relationship and is the controlling one.
Over at Jane’s Coma room, Susan brings Ian a Stawberry Smoothies, and Ian suggests he’d for once like some real food.
Ian: Nothing against smoothies, but I’d like to have some real food for once.
Susan: (Not paying attention.) You mean like something outside the hospital?
Ian: Yeah you know like a date.
Susan: (Shocked). A date?!
(She accidentally pour her smoothie all over Jane.) 
Well I guess I should have seen it coming, with Mike as good as cabbage, I’d hate to see Susan sit around all season at his side, cutting his face whilst shaving him. I must say clutzy Susan is back after messing Jane with the smoothie. Ian is in the bathroom so unaware what she has done, Susan desperately tries to cover it, grabbing a paper towl to wipe it up, then throwing a blanket over her. How very Susan! Yay!
Susan: She looked cold. (Awkwardly smiles.)
Ian: Oh..
…
Susan: (To the nurse). Ooo, you might wanna give Jane a sponge bath, um, she had a little accident.
At Parker’s party Nora calls because she has nothing to do with her life but just keep tabs on Lynette, oh and because Kayla’s there. When Nora hears the noise in the background, she asks Lynette whether they’re having a party, and Lynette- to keep her away, lies and says their having a boring afternoon. Nora of course doesn’t believe this and Lynette doesn’t believe that Nora bought it and they decide to quickly move the party before Nora arrives.
Lynette: Hey Gabby, it’s Lynette got a little emergency here. Is it okay if we use your back yard? Great, great
(she nods). And we take complete responsibility for whatever the Pony does. Hope you get this message soon.
The party moves over quickly to the Solis house and when Lynette rushes back over to fetch the cake, Nora comes in, quickly she hides the last evidence of a party the cake and Nora admits she wrongly believed that there was party. Then a little kid comes out the bathroom.
Little Kid: Where did everybody go?
Lynette: (Thinking to herself- Oh *bleep!*!)
Me: Who the hell told the kid it's the circus.
Nora demands Lynette to tell her where the party is so she can take Kayla and they can go. Lynette refuses but Nora sees a balloon float from the Solis house and the two run up Wisteria Lane to get to the party, before Lynette stops her outside. Some riveting stuff delivered by Felicity Huffman when Tom chooses Kayla/Nora over her.
Tom: Okay, okay I know, but what else could I do? I’m just thinking of Kayla.
Lynette: I know you are Tom, and I know you love her. Why else do you think I’m willing to put up with all this for six months. Why else do you think I’m willing to say to my college roommates, Yes- that’s my husbands love child and her mother in our Christmas picture. Because I Am Your Wife. You Always Come First With Me. Do I Still Come First With You?
Some pretty amazing stuff and that’s the Lynette we loved from Season 1, she’s back!
They manage to get Kayla to stay and Nora to back off- for a corner piece of cake. How immature is this women!
I am a bit concerned about the growing amount of racism to the Chinese that tonight’s episode featured from Gabby’s mouth. It’s mildly hilarious, but very pushed I must say.
When Gabby brings Xeo Mei her lunch (a decent meal this time around).
Gabby: Xeo Mei, your favourite soap is on. There’s a doctor, um fondeling a patient on the operating table. Your missing it.
Who knew Xeo Mei liked watching
Nip/Tuck and
Grey’s Anatomy.
Carlos and Gabby go off to look for Xeo Mei who has run away. They go over to the Chinese restaurant hoping to find out some info on where Xeo Mei might be. Perhaps locked up in the back like the slave she originally was?
Carlos: I can’t believe you lost our baby.
Gabby: I did not loose our baby. Stop saying that. I know exactly where it is. Inside some crazy Chinese women who also stole half a chicken from my fridge.
Gabby and Carlos go and see Xeo Mei’s friend who tells Gabby that she knows how badly she treats Xeo Mei and that she threatened to send her back to China to work as a slave in a rice patti.
Gabby: Has this country come to the point where you can’t joke with the help?
Mei Wang: You treat Xeo Mei like dirt. She’s just a poor innocent girl just trying to live the American Dream. Just like your ancestors.
Gabby: Oh don’t give me that, ‘we are the world’ crap. That women’s uterus is harvesting a stolen baby. So if you know where she is, you better talk, or I’m going to get the health department down her and get them to take a closer look at what you serving as Mushu Pork.
Mei Wang: (Throws the food at her.) Gabby: Boy, those people sure don’t have a sense of humour do they!
Edie is still trying to sell the house. First to an older couple, who wanted a peaceful lifestyle, but backed out when they saw the moving of Parker’s Party. Now a Gay couple who backed out the moment they saw a Pregnant Chinese women hiding in the closet. Am I the only one that found this remotely funny?
After dessert at Bree’s, Orson tries to put the moves on her and starts kissing her and slowly undresses her , but Bree tells him that just because their engaged doesn’t mean they should change their standards.
Bree: I just want our wedding night to be perfect.
Orson: Actors want their opening night to be open, that’s why the rehearse
Susan visits Mike again in hospital and starts talking to him, telling him that Ian asked her out on a date. She tells Mike that she’s thrown, but his really nice and she could sort of use someone to talk to- who also talks back. I was quite impressed with Teri Hatcher’s performance in this scene, not only can she pull of comedy, but she managed to hit the nail on the head with this scene, she managed to really get it across to the audience, her despair and loneliness.
Susan: I know you’re thrown. I was too. But his really nice, and I could sorta use someone to talk to- who also talks back. The thing is, I’m sorta lonely, the past six months have been really hard on me. And what I need is, I need to know if it’s okay if I go out with him. Because if it’s not, I won’t. In fact I’d like nothing better than you to wake up right now and tell me not to out with him. Just wake up and tell me. Wake Up. Please.
(She gets up.) Alright, I’ll see you tomorrow. I love you, and it was really just dinner.
Gabby drops off Carlos at his apartment and on the phone to Edie, sure on a show that has murder and adultery, under age sex and blackmail, let’s just add to the crimes with talking on the phone and driving. Gabby actually for the first time this episode, wasn’t in a joke mood and pretty serious about how her life is about to change. Eva Longoria actually shone well. Two good scene after each other- ah the good old days.
Gabby: Don’t you dare give me that attitude, you have no idea what I’ve been going through these past six months.
Carlos: Here we go…
Gabby: I have had to wait hand and foot on your mistress, now imagine if the day you out about John Roland, you had to make his lunch and rub his feet.
Carlos: Yeah, well John Roland wasn’t carrying our kid. Forgive me for being concerned about our Surrogate.
Gabby: Xeo Mei is going to be fine. Once this kids born, her slate is going to be wiped clean. She is going to walk away, go off and live her American dream. Me? I’m going to be stuck, a single mother, raising a child alone. Haggling with lawyers and who gets the kid for Christmas. My American dream is officially dead.
And just when Carlos is responding about his dream also over, Gabby pulls off in her convertible, cutting him short. How very Gabby.
Okay now should you ever come across someone as domesticated as Bree and wanna learn how to seduce for sex, learn the art of detergent seduction given by Orson Hodge. Orson still pretty much wanting to get with Bree and as we pretty much know, “Orson Hodge, does not like to be contradicted.” So he’ll manipulate and get what he wants.
Orson is cleaning wine glasses and Bree comes in and they kiss. She notices his washing the wine glasses.
Bree: Oh you don’t have to wash those, I already did ‘em.
Orson: Oh, I found some streaks. So I’m wiping them down with some undiluted red wine vinegar.
Bree: I’ve never heard of that.
[What do you know, Bree actually doesn’t know everything about cleaning- haha a a domestic flaw!] Orson: Oh sure. For tougher spots I use 50/50 mix of de-natured alcohol and water. (He sprays the glass).
Bree: (Alarmingly intrigued and sort of aroused.)
Orson: There were those really intractable stains. I mean we’re talking shower doors. I wipe them clean with a towel.
And who knew that little conversation could turn Bree van de Kamp on and she went right in for the kill.
The two proceed to running up stairs to the bedroom and Orson’s left the water running from the tap. Upstairs then rip of each other’s clothes and Orson begins going south.
Bree: Uh, excuse me.
Orson: Mmm?
Bree: Did you loose something?
Orson: No I just thought, for you…
(Goes down South again)Bree: O, I don’t do that.
Orson: Why not?
Bree: I’m a republican.
Orson: I’m a libertarian. I believe in minimising the role of the state and maximising individual rights.
Who knew sex and politics could once again meet after Monica Lewensky!
As Bree reaches climax the director shows the sink getting fuller and fuller and as the water starts pouring over, Bree gets her Big O, and it was indeed very Big!
Unaware what an Orgasm is, shame on you Rex and George. Bree thinks she’s suffered some illness and it quite shy to tell the doctor what happened. Gee, maybe she should have visited Seattle Grace Hospital, where things like this is normal. Bree is told that she just experienced her first real orgasm and her first
Orsongasm! Oh my, it’s still raining on Wisteria Lane, and as I type this article, its pouring with rain and storming quite heavily here. Ah my life is turning into a mini Desperate ordeal.
At Bree’s Engagement Party, everyone seems to be having a great time- lord know why Susan was the only was who came in casual clothes, even Mrs. McClusky attended and an unwanted visitor popped up as well. Carolyn Bigsby, walking in the rain (can we assume she was walking from Lakeview Drive?) arrives at the Engagement Party, and not for the free champagne, but rather to warn Bree about Orson and Alma. Announcing publicly to everyone, that Orson killed his last wife. Orson covers this and says that Alma disappeared. Bree then, after being warned by Carolyn, asks her to please leave.
Does anyone remember last season, when George proposed to Bree- the exact same thing happened. A women came to warn Bree, she didn’t believe the women, asked her leave her house right way and bang, the women was right. Is this re-runs? And why won’t Bree believe her since this is the second time it’s happening!
Bree and Orson go to talk in private, a very scary kind of conversation as Orson assures her of his love, but at the same time holds her hands tight, almost like his controlling her, ah but besides this, I’m quite enjoying Orson Hodge, he and Bree really suit each other perfectly. The two come out, and Bree is about to make an announcement, everyone expects to hear that the Engagement is off, but Bree announces that “The buffet is now opened.” – How very Bree of her, and what a buffet it was.
My favourite part of every episode, the ending when MAVO comes out to teach us all our life’s lesson in tonight’s raining theme.
Half expecting her to start signing, “Let the rain come down and wash things clean and take away our sanity.” (Come Clean- Hillary Duff).
Bree is taking out the trash from the party going outside into the heavy rain, when the soft music starts and Mary Alice Voice Over theme begins;
“Every storm brings with it hope, that some how by morning, everything will be made clean again. And even the most troubling stains would have disappeared.”
“Like the doubts over his innocence.” We see Orson standing by the front door looking at Bree taking out the trash standing in the rain.
“Or the consequence of his mistake.” We see Lynette running inside from the rain to see Tom and Kayla sitting playing a game on the floor.
“Like the scars of his betrayal.” We see Gabby coming home to seeing Xeo Mei sitting in the dinning area eating looking hugely pregnant.
“Or the memory of this kiss.” We see Susan come home (yes she now has a home) and sit and look at a picture of her and Mike together.
“So we wait for the storm to pass, hoping for the best.” Back to Bree still standing outside in the rain.
“Even though we know in our hearts, some stains are so indelible, nothing can wash them away.” Where we see the Country Club construction, and being it the first time it’s rained in Fairview, the construction site is muddy and a body begins to show from the ground.
I am beginning to wonder why they didn’t add,
“yeess, and while Season two was a bad miss, we’re hoping that this episode long storm can wash away all the bad memories of season 2 and everything can start again.” Which I hope would actually be true. You be the judge in the episodes to come.
TOMORROW ON DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES:
Bree gets married, but there's some drama before she can walk down the isle. Dead bodies wash up, there's some hideous bridesmaid outfits, Susan tries to stop the wedding and then there's a black baby born from a Chinese Mother! It's all getting crazy and that's even before the vows are read!
[3.02 IT TAKES TWO | Tuesday 14 July at 9:00pm, SABC 3]