It’s almost that time of year again – the time of year when a scathing British man, a drunken ex-singer, a dawg-spouting music producer, a metrosexual performing monkey, and loads of people who can’t sing descend upon us. Yes, next week American Idol starts on Series. Idols fever has already struck early because of the premiere of Idols West Africa and now it’s about to hit critical mass.
Yes, the Idols franchise is trying to take over the world and it’s clearly succeeding. Not just the TV show either – ex-contestants are trying to infiltrate every corner of the entertainment industry. I have braved being driven mad by overexposure to Idols to find out just how well some of your favourite Idols are doing.
Will Young
How And What: Winner, Pop Idol 1
Known For (Idol-wise): Lit the audience’s fire in the very first British season.
Known For (Post-Idol): Came out of the closet to a Cowell-esque “So what?” reaction. Released three successful albums. Performed at the 46664 concert.
Bring On The Cringe: Had the ugliest mullet imaginable during the World Idols competition of 2002. Even worse, he placed lower than Heinz Winckler in the same competition.
Future Career Advice: Dude’s doing just fine on his own. He doesn’t need my help. He should release a new album already since his last one was in 2005.
Gareth Gates
How And What: Runner-up, Pop Idol 1
Known For (Idol-wise): H-h-his b-b-b-ad s-t-t-t-t-utter which endeared him to the public.
Known For (Post-Idol): Shagged Jordan. Jammed with the Kumars in one of his music videos.
Bring On The Cringe: Did we mention the Jordan thing?
Future Career Advice: Stay away from busty D-listers who are best known for showing their cootchies on camera and move on to busty A-listers who are best known for showing their cootchies on camera. Perhaps a high profile romance with Britney Spears?
Kelly Clarkson
How And What: Winner, American Idol 1
Known For (Idol-wise): Winning the very first American Idol despite Simon barely remembering her early on
Known For (Post-Idol): Grammys, Grammys, Grammys. Released a few mildly successful songs you may have heard, provided you weren’t hiding under a rock for the last two years.
Bring On The Cringe: Appeared in the cinematic masterpiece From Justin To Kelly.
Future Career Advice: Just say no to musicals produced by anyone involved with American Idol.and/or which require her to wear skirts made of ties. They can’t all be Dreamgirls.
Heinz Winckler
How And What: Winner, Idols 1
Known For (Idol-wise): Was the first immobile object ever to win a season of Idols anywhere in the world.
Known For (Post-Idols): Inflicted his bland middle-of-the-road pop onto bland middle-of-the-road radio stations thus achieving the greatest success of any local Idol.
Bring On The Cringe: Please. Like he’s interesting enough to have a good embarrassing moment. If you’re feeling nasty, you could count every time he performs as a cringeworthy moment.
Future Career Advice: I’d suggest he gets a personality but he’s doing well enough without one. Tackle the Afrikaans sokkietreffer market. He’s naff enough to succeed.
Ruben Studdard
How And What: Winner, American Idol 2
Known For (Idol-wise): His trademark caps and T-shirts, and Ryan’s overused introduction of him “Ruuuuuuuuuuuben Studard!!”
Known For (Post-Idols): Um…er…hold on, I’ll think of something…
Bring On The Cringe: Got his ass beat by Clay Aiken sales-wise when they simultaneously released their first album. Dropped into obscurity afterwards.
Future Career Advice: Lose a whole lot of weight and start appearing on infomercials selling Superslim (now with Hoodia!) or the AbKing Pro.
Clay Aiken
How And What: Runner-up, American Idol 2
Known For (Idol-wise): Lost AI2 to Ruben in highly suspect circumstances. At least, that’s what his hoard of raving fans would have you believe.
Known For (Post-Idols): The previously mentioned hoard of raving fans known as Claymates who attack anyone who dares slander their pwecious Clay’s name. Released a couple of oversung albums which make Celine Dion look restrained.
Bring On The Cringe: Did I mention the scary, overinvested fans? Not cringeworthy enough? How about the
pissy feud he had with Kelly Ripa when he covered her mouth during an interview? If that doesn’t do it for you, there’s the fact that
he’s been caught trolling for gay sex (with pictures!) at least twice.
Future Career Advice: Pull a Will Young and just come out. It would be much classier than the weekly gay sex scandals. He should also tell his crazy fans to chill the hell out.
"See? Boooooobies! This proves I'm straight."
Anke Pietrangeli
How And What: Winner, Idols 2
Known For (Idol-wise): Technically good but lifeless performances won her the second season of local Idols
Known For (Post-Idols): Not moving out of Bloemfontein. Or so the jokes about her go.
Bring On The Cringe: In 2005, she appeared on Idols 3 dressed as some sort of tree dryad and sounding like a .
Future Career Advice: Get out of Bloemfontein. That’s if she’s still in Bloemfontein. Stay away from clothes that make her look like foliage.
Fantasia Barrino
How And What: Winner, American Idol 3
Known For (Idol-wise): The only one of the much hyped three divas (Fantasia, Jennifer, LaToya) to actually make the finals.
Known For (Post-Idols): Released two fairly successful RnB/Hip-Hop CDs, the first of which was nominated for Grammies. Had a movie written about her life.
Bring On The Cringe: It’s a made-for-TV movie so it’s almost certainly going to be a melodramatic cheesefest. Also, lost out on the role of Effie in Dreamgirls to Jennifer Hudson.
Future Career Advice: Get Martin Scorsese to direct the Fantasia movie-of-the-week. Change name to something that does not bring to mind dancing hippos in tutus.
Jennifer Hudson
How And What: Seventh place, American Idol 3
Known For (Idol-wise): Was voted out in a shock elimination that made Elton John bitch about racism.
Known For (Post-Idols): That’s Academy Award winner Jennifer Hudson to you, as well as winner of practically every single other acting award known to man.
Bring On The Cringe: Why the hell did she wear a tinfoil jacket to the Oscars? Is this Beyonce's doing?.
Future Career Advice: Release an album while the Dreamgirls buzz is fresh. Do not take any advice from Beyonce, no matter how nice she acts when she dishes it out.
"You don't like what I'm wearing? Well excuse me, I'll just go console myself in the arms of my ACADEMY AWARD then."
Carrie Underwood
How And What: Winner, American Idol 4
Known For (Idol-wise): Smiled prettily and sang about cakes flopping in the rain.
Known For (Post-Idols): Released a multi-platinum country album. Won multiple Grammys for her debut.
Bring On The Cringe: Her first single was a gem called
Jesus, Take The Wheel about a crappy driver who asks Jesus to take the wheel from her when her car skids on ice. The song unfortunately does not have Jesus telling her “I help those who help themselves, dumbass”.
Future Career Advice: Stay far, far away from bad influences like Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton. Jesus don’t like that, nor does the country audience.
Bo Bice
How And What: Runner-up, American Idol 4
Known For (Idol-wise): Bringing some rock to a really poppy show.
Known For (Post-Idols): Released a 100 percent Idol manufactured album ironically called The Real Thing. Had really pretty hair when he appeared on AI5.
Bring On The Cringe: Lost all traces of rock credibility whatsoever.
Future Career Advice: Compete on Rockstar instead. If all else fails, become a spokesperson for L’Oreal haircare products.
Karin Kortje
How And What: Winner, Idols 3
Known For (Idol-wise): Her underdog-makes-good story.
Known For (Post-Idols): Had an ex-boyfriend who was involved in a murder. Released her CD a full year and a bit after her season ended, long after everyone stopped caring.
Bring On The Cringe: The whole ex-was-a-killer thing is a biggie.
Future Career Advice: Screen her dates better. Switch management agencies to one which doesn’t move slower than a line at the Home Affairs Office.
Nicky DeLange, Deidre Visser, Keisha Charlton-Perkins
How And What: 4th place, 7th place, 9th place respectively, Idols 3
Known For (Idol-wise): Sang songs with varying degrees of success, were young.
Known For (Post-Idols): Started their own girl-group called NKD after the initials of their names.
Bring On The Cringe: The very existence of NKD is shameful. Their first music video featuring the worst lipsyncing ever is also pretty bad.
Future Career Advice: Try to follow the trajectory of Sugababes and not the countless girlbands which fell by the wayside during the lates 90s.
Taylor Hicks
How And What: Winner, American Idol 5
Known For (Idol-wise): Was prematurely grey, had seizures on stage, gave Tourettes-like shout-outs to his “Soul Patrol” every five seconds.
Known For (Post-Idols): Got a patented Idols makeover which only makes him look 45 instead of 55.
Bring On The Cringe: He has the lowest sales for any AI winner ever. His song
The Runaround features the following lyrics:
"I got an "A" in broken hearts,
I got my degree in crying."
Future Career Advice: Whoever wrote those lyrics must be fired immediately. Consult Clay Aiken for advice on how to convert a rabid fanbase into album sales.
Katharine McPhee
How And What: Runner-up, American Idol 5
Known For (Idol-wise): Lost a button while wearing a tight yellow dress leading to the best Idol wardrobe malfunction ever.
Known For (Post-Idols): Has become somewhat of a media personality. Has a creepy boyfriend twenty years older than her.
Bring On The Cringe: Got her boobs fondled by Tyra Banks. Released an ode to shoes which feature the
worst lyrics ever outside of Fergie and Gwen Stefani songs.
Future Career Advice: Stupid lyrics are in for women singers, so give whoever wrote those lyrics a raise and get Timbaland to produce a track. Put those good looks to use and appear in a movie.
Chris Daughtry
How And What: 4th place, American Idol 5
Known For (Idol-wise): Instead of winning as expected, was voted out in a moment that was shocking, hysterical and strangely satisfying all at the same time.
Known For (Post-Idols): Outsold every other singer from his season very handily with his brand of Nickleback-sounding rock. As if one Nickleback isn’t enough.
Bring On The Cringe: Renamed himself DAUGHTRY! Yes, the exclamation point is necessary. Tattooed DAUGHTRY! in huge letters across his back.
Future Career Advice: Stop taking himself so damn seriously. For emphasis, add some more exclamation points to his name every time he gets a number one single.
"I'm going to give you my hardcore rawk glare until you change what you wrote to something nice."