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This edition of Days Soap Dish comes with very special bonus material in the form of excerpts from the Days Musical, the soon-to-be Hit Broadway play. In an homage to Marlena the stalker, the songs of Queen have been viciously mutilated and adapted for Salem. Enjoy.

Very strange things have been happening lately in Salem. No, I’m not talking about Celeste’s visions and communion with the dark forces, nor am I talking about the possibility that Marlena may once more be serving as a human Geocities to the devil.

No, I am talking about the fact that somehow the Salem PD managed to not only work out who the killer was, but capture her as well. I know, I know. I’m just as shocked as you are.

One Thomas Edward Kramer is partly to thank for this as he decided he was going to put the TEK into “Detective”. Yes, I know that detective doesn’t have a ‘k’. Yes, I know the joke doesn’t work very well. Shut up.

The other person responsible for Marlena’s capture is Doug. He sacrificed his life in order to leave a vital clue that would eventually lead to Marlena’s downfall. Never mind that he needn’t have sacrificed anything had he gone straight to the police when he first figured it out.

Doug confronted Marlena in a shadowy graveyard beset by a peculiar localised fog. Since the rest of Salem was fog-free, I can only assume it was methane that had seeped out from a burst sewage pipe near the cemetery.

Instead of running as fast as his legs could take him, Doug had a chat with Marlena wherein he tried to convince her to give up this killing business and talk about her deepset psychotic issues over tea. Marlena refused and chased him around with her knife. Before she stabbed Doug in the neck, he managed to scribble out her name on a scrap of paper using his own blood.

Another One Bites The Dust:

Doc walks warily down the street
With her brim pulled way down low
Ain't no sound but the sound of her feet
A killer’s gun ready to go

Are you ready hey are you ready for this?
Are you hanging on the edge of your seat?
Out of the doorway the bullets rip
To the sound of the beat yeah

Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust
And another one gone and another one gone
Another one bites the dust
Hey I'm gonna get you too
Another one bites the dust

How do you think I'm going to get away
Without you capturing me
You took me for a do-good doc
And let me roam freely

Are you happy are you satisfied?
How long can you stand the heat
Out of the doorway the bullets rip
To the sound of the beat, look out

Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust
And another one gone and another one gone
Another one bites the dust
Hey I'm gonna get you too
Another one bites the dust

Hey
Oh take it - Bite the dust bite the dust
Hey Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust ow
Another one bites the dust he he
Another one bites the dust haaaa
Ooh shoot out

There are plenty of ways that you can hurt a man
And bring him to the ground
You can nab him
You can jab him
You can stab him bad and leave him
When he's down
But I'm ready yes I'm ready for you
I'm standing on my own two feet
Out of the doorway the bullets rip
Repeating to the sound of the beat

Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust
And another one gone and another one gone
Another one bites the dust yeah
Hey I'm gonna get you too
Another one bites the dust
Shoot out


The cops arrived just a smidge too late to save poor Doug but John did manage to catch a glimpse of the killer’s retreating figure. He followed her into a crypt where he fell into a random pit trap and almost got killed when the walls closed in on him. With these deadly pit traps all over the place, I can only assume that that’s where they hid the Ark of the Covenant after Indy brought it back from the Nazis.

Marlena had escaped but she had more problems. She was almost discovered when Celeste called upon the dark forces to enter her and they engaged in a titanic battle of wills. Marlena is not just a serial killer, she’s also got one hell of a psychic constitution because she managed to defeat Celeste and knock her unconscious.

Then there were Celeste’s ghostly visitations. As soon as Doug snuffed it, he visited her in a confessional booth and tied to tell her who had killed him. God gave the booth a disapproving shake to warn the two of them that saving countless innocent lives was against His divine will. Even Heaven has to deal with red tape.

But God’s not just a prissy stickler for the rules; he’s also apparently a sadist who hates little old grannies. Alice Horton was the one to find Doug’s clue, something which Marlena quickly learned by hacking into the police feed of the graveyard cameras and watching her. When did Marlena become an l33t haxxor anyway? Just because she can hack flesh and bones with great skill doesn’t mean she should be able to hack computers.

When Celeste’s visions showed her that Alice was the next target, she ran out to save our favourite doughnut-dealing dame. God threw a bolt of lightning at her. Oh come on, GOD, that is so NOT COOL! It’s not like the ghosts told her who the killer was, she managed to figure it out on her own. What do you have against poor Grams anyway, to let her get hacked to pieces by Marloony? And why couldn’t you have struck Belle, who was stupid enough to have a long bath in the middle of a lightning storm?

Tom’s Floating Head Of Portent appeared to Alice and warned her that danger was coming. Poor Alice was already freaked out because her rotten grandchildren had left Doug’s open coffin in the middle of her living room. Way to think of your grams, you ungrateful shits.

Marlena appeared at the doorway, knife at the ready. Alice did not immediately call the cops/911/ National Guard as she should have, but she’s a forgetful old lady so we’ll give her a break. To her credit, she did stuff her bed full of pillows as a decoy.

As Marlena went stab-crazy on the pillows, she hid in the closet. Marlena came after her but was temporarily driven away by the ghosts of her victims as well as Tom’s Floating Head With A Voice Suspiciously Different From Macdonald Carey’s.

Alice had time to phone John but it was not long before Marlena was once again on the prowl and found her hiding in the pantry. Then came Marlena’s most twisted and sadistic act: she forcefed Alice doughnuts until the sugary goodness killed her.

Sickening stuff! And I’m not just talking about Marlena here. I’m talking about the writers killing off their cornerstone character in such a tasteless and ridiculous manner. What kind of sickos came up with this Death by Doughnuts for our beloved Alice?

Don’t Stop Me Now

Tonight I'm gonna have myself a real good time
I feel alive and the town vulnerable and weak, yeah!
And floating around in idiocy
So don't stop me now don't stop me
'Cause I'm having a good time having a good time

I'm in the circus tent shooting a tranq dart
At a tiger defying the laws of gravity
And I’m trying to stop the beating hearts of any survivors
I'm gonna go go go
There's no stopping me

I'm hacking through the town, yeah!
All these fatalities
That's why they call me the queen of the night
I'm killing at the speed of light
I wanna make a filet mignon out of you

Don't stop me now I'm having such a good time
I'm killing you all, don't stop me now
If you wanna have a funeral just give me a call
Don't stop me now ('cause I'm havin' a good time)
Don't stop me now (yes I'm havin' a good time)
I don't want to stop at all

I stuff people I have just killed
In a piñata
I am a psycho bitch, I'm out of control
I am a death machine ready to reload
Salem’s darling, I’ll make it
Oh oh oh oh oh implode

I'm hacking through the town, yeah!
All these fatalities
That's why they call me the queen of the night
I'm killing at the speed of light
I wanna make a filet mignon out of you

Don't stop me don't stop me
Don't stop me hey hey hey!
Don't stop me don't stop me ooh ooh ooh (I like it)
Don't stop me don't stop me
Have a good time good time
Don't stop me don't stop me Ah

I'm hacking through the town, yeah!
All these fatalities
That's why they call me the queen of the night
I'm killing at the speed of light
I wanna make a filet mignon out of you

Don't stop me now I'm having such a good time
I'm killing you all, don't stop me now
If you wanna have a funeral, just give me a call
Don't stop me now ('cause I'm havin' a good time)
Don't stop me now (yes I'm havin' a good time)
I don't want to stop at all


John could not save Alice in time because he was too busy crashing into Sami’s car. Or rather, some screaming banshee who has possessed Sami and will hopefully be driven off sometime soon. I can hardly deal with Sami’s shrieks of “My mom did not kill anybody! John did!” any longer.

Convinced he was on his way to kill Marlena, Sami drew a gun. John tried to reason with the banshee but she was having none of it and shot at John’s heart. And here’s where the show somehow managed to plumb the depths of unbelievable crap because John managed to dodge the deadly projectile in slo-mo bullet time.

So John is *bleep!* NEO now? Is Salem the Matrix? Is this why this show never makes any damn sense? Is there a glitch in the Matrix? Does this make Celeste the Oracle? Will John end up fighting Marlena as a whole bunch of John Smith clones? Are Alice’s doughnuts the red pill or the blue pill? Can Belle get skewered at the end of it? Has this show finally broken my brain?

The Show Must Go On

Awful writing - what are we waiting for
Something exciting - I guess we know the score
On and on
Does anybody know what we are looking for

Another veteran, another mindless kill
Behind the credits, who writes this awful swill
Hold the line
Does anybody want to take it anymore

The show must go on
The show must go on
Ooh inside my brain is aching
My make-up may be flaking
But my smile still stays on

Whatever happens I'll leave it all to chance
Another stalled plot, another stale romance
On and on
Does anybody know what we are acting for
I guess I'm learning
How bad a show can be
But hey I’m earning, I need to make money
Outside the dawn is breaking
But inside in the dark I'm aching to be free

The show must go on
The show must go on – yeah
My character might be dying
The writing may be trying
But my smile still stays on
Yeah oh oh oh

My role has got much depth as wings of butterflies
The same old plots of yesterday repeat but never die
I just cry - my friends

The show must go on - yeah
The show must go on
I'll face it with a grin
I'm never giving in
On with the show

I'll top the bill
I'll overkill
I have to find the will to carry on
On with the
On with the show

The show must go on


Sigh. Anyway, Neo did some Matrix-fu on Sami and handcuffed her to the steering wheel. He raced off to Alice’s but was too late. He raced back to the penthouse to try and catch Marlena before she could destroy Zion kill any more innocents.

Lucas and Kate found Sami and freed her and she too rushed off to the penthouse. On the balcony, Marlena and John struggled. Marlena lost her balance and fell backwards. “NOOOOOO!!” Sami screamed as Marlena cartoonishly fell 738 stories towards her. Lucas bravely dived at Sami and pushed her out of the way. Unfortunately for her, Marlena bounced off of a canopy and landed on her anyway.

Here is a clip of the hysterical event, complete with music I thought would be appropriate. If it doesn't show up right away, just click on fullsize and it should appear

Even after having her mother fall on her, Sami continued to scream accusations at John. You’d think she would shut up while lying bloody and broken but no. Marlena was taken to hospital and when she awoke, she was supposedly suffering from selective amnesia. Tell it to the judge, Marlena.

Convinced his wife was innocent of the crime, John tracked down Marlena’s lookalike Hattie and brought her forcefully to Salem. The Salemites questioned her outside of Marlena’s hospital room and Hattie was forced to defend herself, all the while gorging herself on bits of hospital plaster and furniture. She revealed she had an airtight alibi for the murders.

Whoops, so much for that theory, John. What next crazy idea are you going to come up with to try clear Marlaniac’s name? Dig up her twin Samantha’s rotting corpse, perhaps?

Killer Queen

She keeps scalpels and knives in her pretty, stylish purse
'Let them eat poison' she says
Time for another hearse
A built in remedy for those damn nosy Bradys
And anytime an invitation you can’t decline
Courts and criminology, well versed in psychology
Extr'ordinarily nice

She's a killer queen, gunpowder gelatine
So polite but actually mean
Guaranteed to blow your brains out
Recommended at the price
Insatiable an appetite, wanna die?

To avoid complications
She never keeps the same MO
In murdering her victims, her weapons are always apropos
Met a man called Roman, stuck blades in his abdomen
Then again incidentally if you're that way inclined (she's a
killer queen)
Young Belle naturally went to Paris (naturally)
About Sami she couldn't care less
Fastidious and precise

She's a killer queen, gunpowder gelatine
So polite but actually mean
Guaranteed to blow your brains out

Drop of a hat she's as willing as a playful as a pussy cat
Then momentarily conscience-bound
Temporarily out of gas
To absolutely make you dead - dead
She's out to get you

She's a killer queen, gunpowder gelatine
So polite but actually mean
Guaranteed to blow your brains out
Recommended at the price
Insatiable an appetite, wanna die?

Wanna die


But all of this is unimportant. Let us now turn to the thing everyone really cares about. Yes, that’s right, I’m talking about Belle and Shawn’s relationship. Shawn’s beloved great grandmother just died and his girlfriend’s mother was the one lying in hospital accused of the murder. So naturally, he decided this was the perfect time to propose to Belle.

I’m not really sure what it is about the Salem teens that makes them so eager to marry. Rex and Mimi also thought now would be a great time to tie the knot. Rex lamented that he couldn’t afford to buy Mimi an engagement ring (hey, Rex? You’re supposed to be a freakin’ GENIUS who graduated college early, remember? Use that fabled genius ability of yours and get a job in IT or something) and was forced to give her the Brady woolen ring of shame and cheapness.

Bonnie refused to let her little girl marry someone poor but this didn’t stop her from checking out the Rex pecs and having bizarre fantasies of him square-dancing. She did give him a job as a bartender. Way to put that giant brain to work there, Rex.

Back to BS. Belle accepted but she had just a teensy-weensy secret. She had kinda lied to him about Marlena being an alibi the night Doug was murdered, tee hee. Shawn exploded, blaming her lie for his grandmother’s death, and vowed to leave Salem. Hooray! Finally, some good comes out of these awful murders.

But there was someone watching from the shadows who wasn’t going to let him go anywhere. Yes, it was New and Improved Crazy Jan, now with 100% less sulky mumbling and 100% more nutty fun.

It seems the denizens of hell rose up to take Wretched Jan back to whence she came and in return left us with a Jan who doesn’t induce internal bleeding just by being on the screen.

Crazy Jan blackmailed Nicole into helping her get Shawn and the two of them built a cage of love for him to stay in while Jan worked her charm. Once, it would have been an oxymoron to put charm and Jan in the same sentence but now, no more. Wonderful.

Anyway, Jan dressed up as a little old granny by donning a giant veil, and pretended to be one of Alice’s little old granny friends to Shawn. Despite the fact that she looked like a cross between the Grim Reaper and a beekeeper, never revealed her name, and said nice things about “that sweet girl, Jan, that Alice loved so much”, Shawn-Duh was not the least bit suspicious. This boy doesn’t just need to be locked in a cage, he needs to be locked up in an institution for the mentally deficient.

As for Belle; she’s as insufferable as always. I pass out whenever she’s onscreen (or when others inexplicably can’t stop talking about her as when Bo and Hope were lying in bed after sex and had a convo about her), but I do believe she’s currently muttering about Shawn’s forgiveness 24/7 as Philip watches on, little hearts dancing around his blockhead.

Bohemian Rhapsody

Is this the real life
Is this just fantasy
Caught in mass murders
No escape from reality
Open your eyes
Look up to the skies and see
I'm just a poor Belle, I need your sympathy
Because I'm really dumb, really D’oh,
Little saint, little ho,
Anyway the deaths go doesn't really matter to me,
To me

Mama didn’t kill a man,
Who put these thoughts in your head,
Mommy’d never hurt the dead,
Mama, she is innocent
Oh Shawn I hate you now, just go away
Mama ooo,
That mean Shawn made me cry
But we’ll be back together this time tomorrow
Carry on, carry on, me and Shawn is all that matters

Too late, Shawn’s back in my life
Sends shivers down my spine
I’m so horny all the time,
Goodbye everybody, I've got to go
Gotta nag Shawn till he stops telling the truth
Mama ooo (any way the deaths go)
I don't want to die,
I sometimes wish I'd never waited for sex at all

I see a little silhouetto of a man,
Oh Shawn D, Oh Shawn D, will you touch my lady mango
Feel my body tightening, very very frightening me
Golden cherry, Golden cherry,
Golden cherry Golden cherry
Golden cherry Figaro, Magnifico
But I'm just a poor girl, please Shawny love me
He's just a poor boy from a poor family
Spare him his life from Belle’s virginity
Easy come easy go, will you let me go
Belle’s moaning! No, I will not let you go
Let him go
Belle’s moaning!
I will not let you go
Let him go
Belle’s moaning!
I will not let you go
Let me go
Will not let you go
Let me go
Will not let you go
Let me go
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
Mama mia, mama mia, mama mia let me go
Belle-zebub has a purity ring aside for me, for me, for me-

So you think you can bone me whenever someone dies
So you think you my grams’ dying aint cos of your lies
Oh baby
Can't do this to me baby
Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here

Nothing really matters,
Anyone can see,
Nothing really matters, only Rexy really matters to me,

Any way the deaths go....


Finally there is Jen whose larva has been giving her a helluva time. It likes to kick her so the good news is that it won’t be completely limbless but will at the very least have one leg. The bad news is that it’s still a Very Bad Pregnancy according to acclaimed neonatal nitwit Lexie Carver and recently landed her in hospital.

Lexie informed her that there was nothing she could do to save the pregnancy and she would have to abort the larva at once. But all was not lost. Captain Pat Sparrow, whose wound has healed enough for the occasional shirt, waved his magic pirate doubloon over Jen’s belly and all was well.

“It’s a miracle,” Lexie exclaimed afterwards as she looked at the ultrasounds and found that the larva was saved. It’s no miracle, you hack, it’s a misdiagnosis. Jen probably had some really bad gas and you diagnosed it as the dreaded Womb-rot.

But Patrick is not quite what he appears to be (unless what he appears to be is a useless character or pointless himbo, in which case he’s exactly what he appears to be). He has a Mysterious Contact who’s reminding him to stick to the mission regarding Jen.

Whatever could it be? Perhaps Patrick is working for a shadowy government organisation interested in Jen’s Alien baby. Or maybe he’s just working for the DiMeras as every evildoer/grey character on this show always is.

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