EPISODE ONE
Whoa-whew-ooo. That was supposed to sound like the first thing samurai Bruce muttered when he heard about the existence of Exile Island. Ha - he couldn’t be a more perfect casting amongst the rest of the exiled loons who burst into the first episode of Survivor Exile Island with such gusto it feels as if I know many of their mannerisms already.
It could also have to do with the fact that I saw the episode in a preview last week and watching it again made it extra hysterical. I had the best time madly thinking about you seeing people like bawly Tina, leaf-stricken Cirie, Moon Boy astronaut Dan and cigarette psycho Shane in action for the first time.
It’s impossible not to draw parallels between Shane and Survivor SA’s Nico, which is a problem. I really didn’t want to compare the two shows but what else can you do when two characters are on the same island and have the exact same puffing crises?
Of course the big diffs between them is that while Nico had packs of cigarettes with him Shane defs has none and judging from his chomped nails and greasy hand-irritated hair he’s way more unstable than Nicotine could ever hope to be. Whether Shane freaks himself out of Survivor next week or not, there’s no doubt in my mind that he’s gonna be an enormous problem for the time that he’s around.
I just lurved the way the episode blitzed into things so immediately with Jeff looking as sorted, slurpy and shiny as always. The 16 Survivors were already in four tribes of four when they arrived - divided according to age and gender. Here’s who’s who in each of them:
Older Women/Casaya: Cirie, Melinda, Ruth-Marie and Tina.
Younger Women/ Bayoneta: Courtney, Danielle, Misty and Sally.
Older Men/La Mina: Bruce, Dan, Terry and Shane.
Younger Men/Viveros: Aras, Austin, Bobby and Nick.
Cirie muttered that she didn’t think she was old enough to be with the older woman, Austin said he wished his tribe had girls so he could flirt and Danielle needed a slap when she said: “I’m an athlete.” There was something about the toothy way she said it that annoyed me and put me against her tribe winning immediately.
Jeff explained that the losers would choose someone to go to Exile Island and next thing they were into their first Reward which involved them smashing skulls to find things with a fancy unpronouncable name as Jeff always does. Ambulets I think they were called.
Both tribes of guys finished first, then the older women and the younger women lost because of Danielle who proceeded to get more annoying when she lied and said she’d go to Exile Island. I can’t stand it when someone does that - volunteers for something as if they’re a martyr and have no choice.
Unfortunately the rest of girls fell for it hook, line and bikini and Misty was chosen to go instead after they played Rock, Paper, Scissors. She handled Exile Island well I thought and looked sweet sitting on her haunches saying why it sucked. I also enjoyed her plotting to trick everyone into thinking she’d found the Immunity idol - it suggests she plans to use skullduggeries at every opportunity.
While she got left behind alone, everyone else went off to their islands by boat and wasted copious amounts of time doing yoga, stressing about creatures under leaves and getting pathetic about rotting turtles.
The only tribe to actually do anything constructive were La Older Men who got their shelter sorted pronto, organised boiling their water and started strategising immediately.
Shane started by calling people names - most specifically Bruce who he called a duck - and Terry and Dan gave each other a military handshake and promised never to lie to each other. How’s Dan for the being the most incredible splitting image of what an astronaut should be? He really does look as if he not only belongs on the moon but is actually a physical part of it.
As for him keeping his space missions a secret, puhlease - it’s like two minutes in and he’s already blabbering it all over the place. Same thing with Terry not saying he’s in the military. Never before has this kind of job secrecy worked for anyone who’s done it and it obviously won’t this time either.
With their first three days under their belts they all hotfooted it to their first Immunity Challenge where Misty joined them and tried her tactic by implying she’d found the idol. Unfortunately she didn’t do a very good acting job though and they didn’t buy it. They muttered and rumbled a bit but within seconds they’d forgotten about it - she made it too obvious that she wasn’t trying to hide it I think.
The younger women then went on to make up for their previous annihilation when they managed to win the exhausting challenge of jumping over water platforms, paddling canoe’s and untying a huge knot using a hidden map clue.
The older men finished second while the younger men and older women battled it out behind them with Cirie’s booberello’s flashing all over the place.
In the end it was the older women who lost and when they returned to their camp Lumberjack Tina made a scene about her son dying. You know what the sucky thing with this sort of thing is? Like it’s all true and obviously very sad for her etc but I just feel soo uncomfortable having to go through it it’s just way easier if she’s not there.
This coupled with her ridiculous hair and the fact that she immediately gave the impression that she separated herself from the others irritated me a lot and I was very tickled by Cirie’s plotting to get rid of her.
The truth is the rest of them are pretty useless (that Melinda is just too much) but it’s gonna be much more interesting seeing them struggle not to be than seeing huge fish fall at Tina’s “I’m just so perfect and outdoorsy” feet.
I also liked how they all bravely stood up to her. She was actually bullying and manipulating them into being dependent on her and generally needed them to feel guilty. Also what Cirie said about us needing to stay on the couch was very funny - I reckon there’s a kindred TV loving spirit in her big time.
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