Roman is dead. The poor guy died from the knife wound that the killer gave him at his wedding. Not surprising really – he never stood a shot. As Marlena informed us, not one of the killer’s victims have ever managed to escape with their lives. Well, except for Sami. And Bonnie. And Mimi. And Bo. And Hope. And Celeste. But other than them, Marlena is absolutely correct.
The aftereffects of Roman’s death were felt all over Salem. Marlena decided she would lose her ever-loving mind and start seeing terrible visions of leaping tigers and murderous husbands. She decided to move out of John’s place because of her overwhelming fear that he would murder her in her sleep.
“Come on, Doc, every marriage faces problems,” John tried to reason. True, but most married couples’ problems generally don’t involve predictions that one of the spouses will kill the other one.
John decided he would show Marlena his love for her and get her to see reason by donning a mask and gloves and kidnapping her in a darkened location before binding and gagging her.
Something tells me John Black’s Guide To Love will not end up on the bestseller lists any time soon.
Sami and Kate in particular were hard hit by Roman’s death and took to bed. Kate even brought a bottle of vodka with her. One bright spot about this is that at least it means that Sami can no longer go on and on about her parents getting back together.
Just in case you think Sami’s the only one of her family obsessed with her parents’ marriage to the point of irrationality, Belle decided she would make Roman’s death all about her. When she learned of Roman’s murder, Belle chose to whine to Shawn about her parents having a fight.
Hey Belle, you stupid little spoiled, self-involved princess: your stupid parents’ stupid fight was not the main issue of the night. The fact that your boyfriend’s uncle was murdered kinda trumped that. So shut your damn piehole, you worthless ditz!
With Roman dying, the position of police chief was available. Luckily Roman left some documents detailing just who would best take over the position. I can only conclude that when he wrote it, Roman must have been ingesting large quantities of alcohol to prepare himself for the double horror of possibly getting killed and marrying Kate, because he picked Bo as the next police chief.
Ah yes, Bo “The justice system is worthless” Brady, who frequently pisses all over the law and has a tendency towards violence, vigilantism and occasionally quitting the force. A good choice as long as your only other option was a blind sloth dying of the plague.
If only Roman hadn’t lost his mind in his last days. Then he could have chosen Max the dog as police commander and the Stalker would have been caught within hours.
Tony was immediately arrested after he was found skulking outside the wedding in a black hoodie and carrying a samurai sword. Why must Tony always be persecuted so? Can’t a man take his samurai sword for a walk without being accused of murder?
Incidentally Tony’s samurai master is named Hattori Hanzo after the sword-maker from Kill Bill. I’d complain about the stupid pop culture references (there was one instance where Sami talked about Will having gone to play football at the Van Pelts like he’s goddamn Charlie Brown) but I’m still holding out for my Kill Tony scenario starring Sami as The Bride.
Within the space of a few days, Tony’s case went to trial. Justice works quickly in Salem. Now if only the rest of the show’s plot developments could unfold just as quickly. Tony hired Mickey as his lawyer because the fool apparently is unaware of Mickey’s penchant for losing court cases.
But for once, Mickey managed not to screw things up. Forensics evidence revealed that it was a knife that was the murder weapon and not Tony’s samurai sword and the judge released him despite Bo’s protestations.
Despite Tony’s release, most people were still convinced of his guilt. John, Bo and co all vowed that they would stop him before he killed again. Shawn told him to his face “I know you’re the killer”. Yes, but you also “knew” Rex was the killer, Shawn, and look how that turned out.
The saddest thing was how Rex turned his back on Tony and embraced his Brady heritage for good. He accidentally donned the black leather jacket of Brady self-righteousness and got punch-happy with his former father. Well, he tried at least but Tony managed to neutralise him with those newly learned ninja skills of his.
I could barely stand to watch the Bradification of Rex as he turned into a self-righteous jackass with all the brainpower of a lemon. It saddens me too much to see a formerly awesome character like Rex turned into Shawn Jr, now with better hair and acting skills.
Not everyone believes that Tony is the killer. Victor is convinced that the killer is a woman. He offered some ham-handed reasoning about the killer being particularly vicious and some murders being planned and some unplanned but none of it made a lick of sense.
Let me use some of Victor’s brilliant deductive reasoning to make some theories of my own about the Stalker. She likes to wear a hockey mask so she must be a hockey player. She stuffed Cassie in a piñata so she must be a sweet-tooth who took the candy with her. She let Bonnie live so she must be a fan of country music and/or boobies. She brought Maggie a bottle of wine so she’s a considerate guest.
Apparently Victor’s halfassed ideas about the killer being a woman are tantamount to gospel because as soon as he said them to other people, they began seriously considering it instead of asking what the hell he’d been smoking when he came up with them.
All of this is supposed to cast suspicion upon Nicole who’s taken up the position of main suspect. I am pleased to report she’s pretty much back to her old self and is in top scheming form. When Chloe was mercifully recalled to Italy, Nicole sneakily pretended she had really changed. She gave Chloe a basket of muffins (pumped full of laxatives, no doubt) and seriously talked about how she was going to give up the booze (before filling up her glass the instant Brady and Chloe left the room).
She could not have put on more of an angelic show had she donned a wimple and announced she was off to feed the homeless. She is further attempting to fool Brady by pretending that Victor is hurting her and wants to kill her.
This may or may not be true. After all, Victor has been talking with Tony recently about having Nicole offed. But he’s been threatening to do horrible things to her ever since they got married and has become softer and softer with time. At this point, he’s like the old man who shouts for the kids to get off his yard – comical rather than scary.
The point is that while Victor may be scheming to kill Nicole, she’s scheming to kill him so Brady would have to be an idiot to trust her. He does of course because Nicole is just that good at manipulation.
She’s also got a sidekick to help her – Jan. Nicole has nobly decided to take the inconsequential and pathetic Jan under her wing and train her in the ancient art of super-bitchery. I’d say Nicole’s got her work cut out for her with a twerp like Jan but I won’t really complain since their interactions seem to consist of a lot of Nicole making fun of Jan’s uselessness.
But does this mean that Nicole is the Salem Stalker or is this merely another red herring to hide the identity if the real Stalker?
Only Tony (and the Stalker him- or herself) seems to know. After being told of Victor’s theory and Celeste’s latest premonitions (more on them later), he retired to his secret room and meditated on a picture of Nicole he just happened to have in a box. Oh Tony, you dirty dog. Apparently staring at Nicole’s hotness brought clarity because Tony declared that he knew who the killer is.
He’s decided he’s going to announce this in the most public way possible because he’s apparently forgotten that it was this very thing that got Jack killed by a brick. Celeste has warned him against this because she sees terrible things in his future.
I wonder why the killer hasn’t gone after Celeste properly yet since she’s the one who always seems to know the most about who’s going to die and how. I suppose the killer is aware that Celeste is Salem’s own
Cassandra and that no-one is ever going to believe her despite her remarkable success rate in predicting things.
Celeste was the one who encouraged Mickey to defend Tony because Maggie, Abe and Roman’s ghosts (the latter in full dress uniform, like are civvies not allowed in heaven?) appeared to her and told her Tony was innocent. Caroline’s ghost was presumably still resting from her seventeen years of haunting Celeste a month or two back. Jack and Cassie’s ghosts were nowhere to be seen; perhaps they are somewhere playing poker together.
Celeste then started seeing visions of a tiger. Even more examples of tiger foreshadowing appeared – Tony chose to meditate with a tiger’s claw and tooth. The most chilling of these omens was when Bart offered Tony some Frosted Flakes featuring Tony the Tiger.
If only Tony had looked more closely at the cereal box…
Tony wasn’t the only one receiving real bad news. After Jen’s miraculous immaculate conception at Christmastime, she visited Lexie for an ultrasound. It didn’t go so well.
Lexie: Let’s have a look at your baby…[faces drops, clutches pearls]…oh my god!!
Jen: Is there something wrong?
Lexie: Er…no, why would you think that…dear god, I’ve never seen anything like it…let’s finish this ultrasound.
Jen: Lexie, I can see by your face something is up. Tell me please.
Lexie: You’re right, Jen! Now I don’t mean to alarm you but HAVE AN ABORTION OR YOU’LL DIE!!!
Jen: Oh my gosh, is there something wrong with the baby?!
Lexie: YES!!! KILL IT, KILL IT BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE AND WE’RE ALL DOOMED!!
Jen: But what’s wrong with it?
Lexie: WHAT’S WRONG WITH IT?! YOU HAVE A 99.9 PERCENT CHANCE OF DYING IF YOU DON’T ABORT AT ONCE!!
Jen: You haven't actually told me what's wrong with it yet?
Lexie: IT’S A FREAK OF NATURE!! WHEN THE TIME COMES TO GIVE BIRTH, IT WILL BURST OUT YOUR ABDOMEN LIKE THAT THING IN ALIEN!! AND IN YOUR DYING MOMENTS, YOU WILL GAZE UPON THE LIMBLESS MAGGOT YOU HAVE GIVEN BIRTH TO AND CURSE JACK FOR IMPREGNATING YOU WITH THIS ABOMINATION!!
Jen: Er…maybe I should get a second opinion.
Seriously, Lexie should have changed her name to Dr Doom because all she did was offer dire predictions for the baby and Jen’s future. I think she’s been hanging around with her mother too much.
And yes, Jen, you should definitely get a second opinion from a doctor who will at least tell you what’s medically wrong with the baby instead of crossing herself and hiding behind the ultrasound machine.
Jen will never abort of course because she is Jen, as much as I sometimes wish she’d retroactively abort Abby, that little brat with her “No, Mommy, you can’t kill this baby like you killed Daddy!!”
Enough of Jen’s pregnancy woes. We’ll deal with that armless, legless mutant when we get to it. Back to the tiger. Doug and Julie Horton returned to town with a tiger named Horton in tow. Original, Doug and Julie. I bet you name your cat Cat too.
They were in town to set up the circus. But this was no ordinary circus. No, this was the poorest and most amateurish show on earth. Doug and Julie enlisted the help of willing Salemites as their acts so we got to see amazing sights such as the teens doing a highwire act (despite my proclamations of “Fall! Fall!” they survived) and Sami throwing knives at Kate.
Now I know the most recent episode of The Amazing Race featured contestants learning to do a trapeze act as a Roadblock but I know there’s no way Lucas or whoever could learn to be a freakin’ knifethrower just like that.
The circus proceedings were horribly embarrassing and I don’t know what disturbed me most – the sight of Shawn, Rex and Philip in sparkly spandex tights, Will dressed as a gay clown or the fact that Bonnie managed to find a clown suit that still managed to show off her cleavage.
The highlight was when Tony snuck in and tried to announce who the killer was as the grand finale. Unfortunately for him, the killer shot Horton the tiger full of uppers before releasing him and dumping a bucket of blood on Tony’s head, Carrie style.
Maybe if Tony hadn’t dragged out his big reveal over the entire episode, he could have gotten the truth out before Horton struck. But alas, Horton was pissed at being called Horton and took it out on the first delicious human he could find. He pounced upon poor Tony and sank his teeth into his throat…
Jeebus! And I thought getting stuffed into a piñata was bad…