The episode starts promisingly, with Benny (Benny!) removing an item of clothing. OK, it was only one of those bodywarmer type things, but still. He’s on the phone, trying to contact sources, and explaining at the same time that it’s not The Bulletin anymore. He looks frustrated. Poor Benny.
Credits.
Episode title? Bend it like Benny.
A jovial British guy enters the office, with Noxee struggling along in his wake, lugging his suitcases. Prince comes out of his office and the two men greet each other warmly. Prince wants to know why they didn’t go to the hotel: “He insisted,” says Noxee through gritted teeth. Benny walks past: Prince grabs him and introduces him to the Brit, who, it turns out, is Sebastian “Call Me Bas” Denning, the Bullet’s new chief of staff. Benny does not appear too impressed, but shakes Bas’s hand anyway. “Ben, huh? Not Big Ben – no, can’t call you that.” Benny gives Prince an ‘Is this guy for real?’ look. “I shall have to call you Little Ben.” Bas chuckles, enormously pleased at this piece of wit. Benny curls one corner of his lip up in dislike. “And I shall have to call you an ambulance.” He walks off.
Kim is talking to a man who is claiming that a man who owns a successful funeral parlour in Soweto is selling the organs from the bodies he receives. Kim is understandably sceptical, so the man unzips his bag and pulls out a green plastic lunchbox. Oh, no. He didn’t…oh, wait: he did. Kim opens the lunchbox; inside is a dodgy looking heart. The man tells her it is “the heart of a young man, sold today for R1000.” Kim phones Benny. “I think we just nailed our lead.”
Benny, Kim, and an Unknown Female are gathered around the heart; Unknown Female is taking photos of it. I think the heart is enjoying all the attention. Prince enters; he wants to know what they’ve got. “It just walked in off the street,” says Benny. I think he means the man, not the heart. “Soweto Funeral Parlour Sells Body Parts for Muti.” Prince looks quite delighted. He tells Benny to pick the heart up; it’ll make a much better picture, he says. “Go on, it won’t bite.” Um, ew. With Benny holding the organ in his hands, they discuss how they’re going to play the story. “The Invasion of the Body-Snatcher. This is great!” Prince says as he leaves. Photos are done, Benny gets to wipe his hands. Thank. God. He then (Benny, not God) sends Kim off to get the story. Before she leaves, Kim goes into a little stammering speech where she tells Benny how pleased she is to be working with him. “I’ve always admired…” she suddenly realises what she is saying, and stops. “I know I’m going to learn a lot from you as my news editor,” she finishes. Benny looks at her. “You still here?” Kim takes the hint, and goes, giving a little salute on her way down the stairs. Benny looks after her with that gorgeous half-smile of his. You just gotta love him.
Two computer guys are talking to Noxee about everything that’s wrong with the computers. They say it could take a week to put everything right, but Prince wants it done in two days. They warn that it’s going to cost more, but Prince doesn’t care.
Benny’s on the phone to a source when Kim walks in with an Unknown Man. Benny sends one of his minions out on the story, then Kim brings the man, Mr Sebeko, aka the Bodysnatcher, in to see him. Turns out not so much with the bodysnatching, and more with the persecution by a grief-crazied man. Mr Mtembu’s (the man who made the organ-selling claims in the first place) wife died, and on her request (presumably pre-mortem) she was cremated, contrary to African cultural tradition. Mr Mtembu could not believe his wife had been reduced to such a small box, and so he started to spread the muti story: The Bullet was not the first paper he’d been to. Benny looks depressed by the news. “Damn,” says he.
Upstairs, Noxee has prepared a delicious-looking African feast for Bas the Brit, to give him a taste of Africa. “Smashing, darling,” says Bas. Oh, but, no offence? He wants fish and chips. Noxee looks mightily peeved as she marches downstairs, and who could blame her?
Adverts. I HATE adverts with talking toothbrushes. What the hell??
Benny brings Prince a first draft of the story, but Prince is not impressed. “Where’s the muti, where’s the bleeding heart?” “It was a twist,” shrugs Benny. “I’ll show you a twist.” Prince dramatically crumples up the story and tosses it in the bin. “Some guy’s sad because his wife’s dead? Crap.” He tells Benny to bring him the story they spoke about. “Turns out that’s what happened.” “Who cares about what happened?” “I do,” says Benny grimly. Oh Benny. Hold on to that feeling.
Benny and Kim are doing research. “Schoolgirl Raped by Tokoloshe,” Kim reads out. “Oh, for heaven’s sake; where do they find this stuff?” “Scum like us, sorting through yesterday’s trash,” Benny says cynically. He tells Kim to move on to the broadsheet smalls. She finds a piece about a gospel singer who punched a photographer at a nightclub, Stash. Benny thinks it’s nothing, but Kim tells him that Thursday night is gay night at Stash. “If she tangled with a photographer, it’s probably because he took a pic she didn’t want seen.” They realise they could have a huge skande story on their hands. Benny sends Kim to find the photographer, telling her he’ll pay two grand for the photo. “Kim,” he adds as she’s on the way out, “don’t blow it.” She promises she won’t. Drums of Fate, play on.
Benny, after struggling to get something out of a source over the phone, hangs up in frustration. “Damn.” “Trouble, Little Ben?” Bas the Brit wants to know. Benny gives him a Look. “There’ll be trouble if you call me that again,” he warns. Bas offers to help. Benny moans that it’s the first edition, and everything’s riding on an entertainment journalist writing her first story. Ok, enough with the hating on entertainment journalists already! Bas reveals that he thinks Kim is “tasty.” With a very naughty smile, Benny encourages Bas to ask her out. “She’s just your type.” Prince then introduces Bas to the whole office, calling him a “tabloid guru.” Bas speeches about his ‘axioms’: one, they’re in the business of making money, through advertising, and readers: quantity, not quality. Two: aim at the heart; give them what they want to read, and while they’re doing that, “kick ‘em in the balls and steal their lunch money.” Good for you, Bas.
While he’s yakking, Kim enters, giving Benny two thumbs up. Axiom three: never let the truth get in the way of a good story; all that matters is how it feels; if I buy it, then it must be true. Kim whispers to Benny that she needs R5000. “Did you get him?” he wants to know. “Her. Grace’s girl. She’s coming in later with the pic. Benny,” Kim pauses, a beatific smile spreading across her face; “they were kissing.” Benny looks duly excited at this news, as the Axiom Man turns the page on the flipchart over to reveal the new logo of The Bullet. What’s interesting is that the page that was turned over had a logo that looks like the new Bullet logo, but said “Truth is a moving target.” Very symbolic: the truth making way for The Bullet.
Axiom Man and Prince are discussing Benny as they put up the pages for the first edition. Axiom Man does not think Benny’s got what it takes: “All talk, all attitude; can’t deliver. I’ve seen his type before.” He’s easily distracted as he puts up page 3. No prizes for guessing the main picture on that page. Prince is concerned that it’s a bit sleazy, but Bas waves aside his objections. “In twenty years I’ve learned one thing: no one ever went bankrupt overestimating the popularity of a tasty pair of hooters.”
‘Grace’s girl’ Angel arrives with the photo. Benny is eager to be involved, but Angel is having none of it. “And this?” she says looking him…down and further down. Kim introduces him, but Angel does not think they need him. I’ll leave it up to your own dirty minds to make the joke. “It’s a girl thing, Benny,” Kim half-apologises as they brush past him. Benny wants to know if she’s got the photo. Angel wants to know if he’s been to the bank.
Inside the interview room, Kim starts asking how the two of them met, but all Angel wants is the money. Kim hands her the envelope, which looks pretty thing for five grand, but ok. When Kim asks more questions, Angel tells her that the story was not part of the deal.
The two computer guys are busy working on the installation or whatever, when Grant walks in. He demands to know what they’re doing. The three of them toss a whole bunch of computer jargon around; Grant tells Noxee to call Prince because they’re ripping them off. Prince comes and he asks each of them what it would cost. “Ninety grand,” say the two. “Forty,” says Grant. “When?” asks Prince. “End of the day,” says Grant. “You’re hired,” Prince tells him. He walks off, but quickly turns around. “You’re fired,” he says to the other two. “Goodbye,” Grant says cheerfully. Heh.
Angel storms out of the office. Benny wants to know what happened; Kim says that Angel wouldn’t tell her anything she needed for the story, and that she took the picture with her. Hopefully, she didn’t take the five grand as well. “Kim, the picture was the story!” Benny explodes. Kim stammers…and eventually admits she screwed up. Of course, at that moment Prince appears, demanding his story. Benny tells him it didn’t work out. “Maybe it’s you that’s not working out,” says Prince, waving his finger threateningly under Benny’s nose; and the delivery of that line was so awful it made me want to go and stick my head in the fridge. Anyway, Prince tells him to find him a story or else. Benny marches off to his desk. Kim tries to apologise; Benny is furious, but he manages to control his anger and they start brainstorming ideas. They realise they’ve still got the heart, and that it must have come from somewhere. Benny sends Kim off to get the story after she promises him that she can do it. Benny phones up a guy called Carl, and asks for his help.
Adverts.
Benny and Carl. Benny admits that he might be in over his head. He explains the situation, saying, “It’s not The Bulletin anymore…the new guy doesn’t mind a bit of creative journalism.” Carl warns him that once he’s crossed that line, there’s no going back. Benny says he has no option. He asks Carl if he’s got any info for him; Carl says he’ll see what he can do. Benny is left alone on the bench, looking stressed. Poor Benny.
At the office, a journalist is looking for Benny, but no one knows where he is. “News editor in absentia,” Bas notes to Prince. Bas looks over the guy’s story, and tells him to redo it. Noxee wants to know how many news editors they have. Bas tells the guy to bring him the rewrite.
Back at the office, Benny is upstairs grabbing a bite to eat, when Kim enters. There is an aura of despair about her. She tells Benny that the heart…is actually a pig’s heart. Benny hangs his head over the sink. “Someone’s trying to tell me something,” he mutters. He tells Kim to write the story they had in the beginning, the one about the guy coming to the office with his muti claims. Kim reminds him that Prince already bombed that idea. “Well, while you’re doing that, I’ll write up my letter of resignation,” Benny snarks as he heads downstairs.
On the way to his desk, Benny walks past Bas. “I’m waiting,” says Bas pointedly. Benny turns and gives him the finger; very artistically, I thought. Carl arrives, Benny is quite relieved to see him, but sadly, he doesn’t have much. “Thanks anyway,” says Benny glumly. Carl tells Benny that if worst comes to worst, Benny can always come work with him…at the Randburg Chronicle. In his state of extreme desperation, Benny actually appears to be considering the offer.
Noxee rushes up to Prince. “I saw the picture, of the, uh, girl,” she holds her cupped hands about 10cm in front of her chest. “Are you serious?” “Well, apparently they’re not real, but I like to believe the best of people,” Prince deadpans. Noxee tries to point out that it will only alienate the readers, but Prince throws her the line Bas gave him earlier, although he says ‘breasts’ instead of ‘hooters’. He gets half a point for that. “Is that what Bas says?” Noxee wants to know. “Yes, that’s what Bas says.”
Prince goes up to Grant; he wants to know if they’re ready. Grant tells him that they are, and they have a little ‘coming on line’ ceremony. Everybody cheers. Grant runs after Prince; he wants to know about his future employment status, but Prince cuts him off, saying they’ll call him if they need him. Grant looks determined. He presses some keys on his laptop, picks it up, and starts walking, counting down from five. “…three, two, one.” He clicks his fingers and, on cue, the system crashes to a chorus of ‘ah’s’ (and an ‘oy’ from Bas). Prince gets up from his desk. “What happened?” Grant frowns in puzzlement. Prince sighs, and then, with a smile that says he knows he’s been had but is willing to overlook it, he tells Grant to come to his office.
Deadline is approaching. Benny is at his desk, wrestling with his conscience. At length he gets up and heads over to Kim’s desk. On the way, Bas wants to know where the front page is. Benny sticks out his hand in the “don’t talk to me” pose. “Take a pill,” he snaps. Kim looks up. “Nearly there,” she says cheerfully. Benny tells her to stop; to write the story they had in the beginning. “Undertaker Stole My Heart.” Kim points out that none of it’s true. “It’s an allegation from an unknown source.” Ok, whatever you have to tell yourself. “It’s a lie, Benny.” Nice to see someone still has a conscience. Benny walks back to her desk. He bends over and says grimly, “Write the story, or pack your bags and go home.” He makes his way back to his desk. “I think you’re getting the ‘ang of this,” smirks Bas. Benny, knowing he has just Crossed the Chasm of Made-Up *bleep!* that lies between Newspapers and Tabloids, and Truth and Lies in General, just looks depressed as he sits down. Poor Benny.