You’d think that the Salem Stalker would take a break during the Festive Season to open presents and send Christmas cards and reflect on the past year’s horrible murders. But there is no rest for the wicked and the Salem Stalker was in top stalking mode.
A short while before Christmas, he attacked Sami. Luckily Sami managed to escape with Buffy-esque acrobatics and a spot of Sami-fu. Apparently it’s due to Tae-Bo which makes me wonder if Sami’s Tae-Bo instructor isn’t Chuck Norris himself.
The killer then decided to try for an easier target and went after Bonnie and her boobs. Bonnie was not trained in any martial arts but used a bottle of ketchup to chase away the killer. You know the writers are on drugs when scenes begin to resemble Tom And Jerry cartoons.
Here’s my question: so far the killer has had motive to kill people. Why then is he going after like random people like Bonnie and her boobs? What did Bonnie and her boobs ever do to him? Perhaps he just isn’t a country music fan?
O little town of Sa-a-alem.
How still we see thee lie;
During thy deep and dreamless sleep
The Stalker walks on by;
Yet in thy dark streets shineth
Bonnie’s Christmas lot.
Celeste comes by, says “One Will Die”
And Bonnie drinks a tot
For Celeste’s vibes are never wrong,
She sees blood in her dreams,
While mortals sleep the police keep
The Stalker from killing Meems.
A PDA of death
Proclaims poor Roman’s doom!
And victims die, they drop like flies,
The season’s one of gloom
These foiled attacks proved that Rex was innocent of the murders as he was with Shawn at the time. What was Shawn’s reaction to this? A grovelling apology? A promise that he would never accuse anyone without reason again? A year’s supply of chocolate as forgiveness?
All Shawn said when he was informed of his complete and utter wrongness was an insincere “I guess you’re right.” Wow, that’s so BIG of you, Shawn. Your heartfelt apology and remorse at the way you treated your former friend is an inspiration to us all.
But what would Christmas be without Christmas miracles? A few days later (OK, it was during New Year’s but it still counts as a festive season miracle) Shawn did offer a proper apology complete with reconciliatory hug.
The return of Belle seemed to have lightened Shawn’s mood in general. He found the time to go shopping with his dad for sexy underwear for their respective partners. Yes, Shawn went shopping with his dad for sexy underwear for his mother.
Meanwhile, Belle and Hope were having their own wacky Christmas adventures. Hope overheard something that led her to assume that Belle might be pregnant (don’t you read the weekly Cherry Report, Hope? You’ll get the press release if Belle ever does decide to have sex) but that misunderstanding was sorted out and they decided they would spy on their men shopping.
The two sneaky ladies then swapped the ugly lingerie Shawn and Bo had bought with lingerie they themselves picked out (one wonders how Hope managed to find any in her negative size-range). Har-de-har. Oh those wacky girls.
They were not the only ones have Christmas-based adventures. Jen did not buy any sexy underwear that we know of but she did bump into a wise and mysterious Father Christmas.
Santa: Hey, Jennifer Horton, widow of Jack Deveraux and reporter extraordinaire. How you doing?
Jen: Oh my gosh, how do you know who I am?
Santa: I’m ESP Santa. Plus, the two of you were totally on a TV show.
Jen: That’s amazing, ESP Santa! Your powers are wondrous indeed! Do you have anything to tell me?
Santa: Yes. Expect some good news sometime in the future. Possibly via phonecall.
Jen: Oh my gosh! Could these vague predictions that anyone could make possible come true? Santa? Santa?!
But Psychic Santa had disappeared. What do you think about him? A messenger from beyond the grave? A stalker who knows a leetle too much about Jen the TV star? A sign that Jen’s been hitting the eggnog big time?
Whatever this mysterious stranger may have been, his vague prediction did indeed come true. Jen got a call to tell her that she was pregnant, never mind that Jack’s been dead for months and she only seems to have noticed now.
I’ll be nice and call her dormant foetus suddenly manifesting itself months after Jack’s death the second official Christmas miracle. Hey, you can’t help calling it a miracle when a psychic Santa is involved.
So Jack lives on and Abby finally has something else to talk about other than how much she hates her mother for killing her father.
Not all the Christmassy things were either miraculous or welcome. Chloe returned, dressed in full Snow Queen regalia and Brady was as overjoyed as a boy unwrapping his first Liza Minnelli CD.
Chloe’s return aint all bad though. She hasn’t sung yet and Nicole has been in full-on drunken vixen mode which is always fun. Any development that results in half-nekkid Nicole can’t be too bad, right?
Roman proposed to Kate as soon as he found out there was no way she could be the killer. If ever there was a time to have a Vegas wedding, it’s now. Foolishly, Roman and Kate did not decide to have a wedding elsewhere despite Roman being next on the killer’s PDA “to do” list.
Deck the halls with Roman’s body
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
'Tis the season t’kill somebody
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Don we now our mask and hood
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.
Kill the ancient Salem good
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.
See the bleeding cop before us.
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Strike the heart and join the chorus.
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Follow me in so I can grab you.
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Please stand still so I can stab you.
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Fast away the old cast passes.
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Leaving bratty lads and lasses
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Scream ye all and wet the bedding.
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Cuz I’ll kill Roman at his wedding.
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
To be fair to Roman and his sense of timing, it did look like they caught the killer. But then, they thought the same thing back when Caroline was killed so that’s not that much of an excuse.
After Christmas, Rex took a few seconds out of his busy bonk-schedule to sprinkle Cassie’s ashes in the woods. Seriously, not only did they not show Cassie’s bloody cremation, the whole spreading of ashes scene lasted about a minute. Even in death, you get screwed over, Cassie.
Afterwards he came up with a cunning plan to trap the killer. He would track the identifying number thingy of the killer’s PDA (why did the Salem PD not think of this, you ask? I don’t know. If you find out, please let me know) and found out it was Tony. Rex then went into superhero mode and took down Tony on his lonesome.
Honestly, they should just replace the Salem PD with Rex and Max the dog. It will be infinitely more efficient than the trio of Bo, Hope and Roman.
We three cops of Salem PD,
Chase the killer but let him go free,
It’s DiMera, I could swear-a,
I saw him smile evilly.
(Chorus)
O, cops of blunder, cops so dumb,
How the Stalker kicks your bums,
You try to solve but won’t resolve
This mystery ‘til Kingdom Come
Bo:
I want to cause the killer great pain
I lose my temper again and again;
He killed my mum, the vile scum,
Enough to drive me insane.
Chorus
Hope:
Not a lot to offer have I;
Far to skinny to take down the guy;
Maybe eating would see me beating
The man who would see me die.
Chorus
Roman:
How da hell do I change my fate;
I know, I’ll use myself as bait
Sorrowing, sighing, bleeding, dying,
Hope I live to schtup Kate.
Chorus
Glorious will be that far off day,
When we put the killer away,
Salem will sing, "Hallelujah!"
Hallejujah!" is what they’ll say.
Chorus
So Roman and Kate went forward with their New Year’s wedding despite Sami’s repeated attempts to ruin it and Marlena’s out-of-the-blue objections. The ceremony was marred somewhat by the cake spouting blood. I hate it when that happens.
Roman and Kate did manage to get married thanks to a well-timed hanky stuffed in Sami’s mouth by Lucas at the “Does anyone object to these two being wed” bit. So far so good, right?
But Tony managed to post bail and immediately went home to pick up his samurai sword. You know, watching Samurai Tony and Kung-Fu Sami go up against each other would be pretty awesome. In fact, I’m envisioning a whole Kill Bill scenario starring the characters of Days.
Sami would be the Bride and Tony would be Bill (the getting revenge on Bill/Tony part would work better a few months ago when she fell through his window but I think it could still work). The old master type who trains Sami could be Alice Horton – she would use a combination of violence, tough love and doughnuts to shape Sami into a klling machine.
As for the other characters, I see Lucas as Bud (he worked at Echelon which is sort of a strip club, just like Bud) and Lexie as Vernita. Nicole strikes me as a great Elle Driver (wasn’t the brief scene between Sami and Nicole in the loo at the wedding just the best? I love those two together in any form).
The only character I’m having trouble with is O-Ren Ishii. Whitebread Salem has no Asians and none of the characters really fit that well. The closest I can think of would be John since he was once a trained assassin type person but the imagery kind of freaks me out so I don’t want to think about it. So is the thought of John in a black wig and kimono isn’t your scene, take your pick of either Kate or Cassie for your own personal version of Kill Tony vols 1 and 2.
Ahem. Sorry about the tangent. What, you think I was paying attention to Roman and Kate of all people during the wedding? Please. Anyway, after he’d picked up his samurai sword, Tony lurked about menacingly outside the church.
Roman then got a message telling him to meet a mysterious someone in the deserted kitchen. Can you see where I’m going with this? That person turned out to be the Stalker who did all sorts of nasty things with a knife to him.
What will become of Roman? Will he live or is Kate a widow before her wedding night?