Once upon a time I wished evil, evil luck upon the Paolos. Once upon a time, I would’ve been perfectly happy to see them all fall off a cliff. Once upon a time, I dreamt of the day Phil would tell them “You have been eliminated”.
That day has finally come. Er…not the falling off the cliff part, I mean the elimination part. The Paolos have been eliminated and will no longer be gracing our TV screens. And instead of jumping for joy and releasing the party balloons, I find myself feeling…disappointed.
Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not exactly weeping buckets or composing my condolence letters to send to the Official Paolo Fanclub. I never liked the way they bitch at each other and they still annoyed me a helluva lot even till the end.
But ever since we were left with the bland Bransens, wicked Weavers and ghastly Godlewskis, they managed to provide drama and entertainment without completely unbearable (towards the end that is).
At the start of the episode, the teams had to travel to an airfield. Sadly, the reason for this was not so they could fly to a new destination but so that they could perform amazing aviation acrobatics in aircraft.
As they set off from the Pitstop, the Weavers had their first moment of their usual “Woe is us, we’re so victimized” spiel. “Everyone hates us because we’re different from them,” they whined. Well yes. The other families are sane. So in a way, you’re right, Weavers.
Before the Bransens could do anything, they had to make some money. Where oh where would they possibly find funds in a cash-strapped and poverty-stricken place like Arizona?
The Bransens decided the best place to score some cash was at the casino. It’s also the best place to lose what few belongings you have left and have to sell the girls’ golden locks just to pay for the taxi ride back to the Pitstop.
But no, it did not turn out that the Bransens were about to lose the clothes off their backs to feed their gambling addiction and need an intervention from Phil at the end of the leg. They were there merely to beg money from other gambling addicts.
Walder talked about how being young and pretty females was a big help in these kinds of begging situations. Of course. I’m sure the cameras had nothing to do with the gamblers’ generosity.
As always, absolutely nothing of interest happened during the begging sequence and the handicapped team got enough money to continue. Just once I’d like to see one of these teams arrested for panhandling, just to make this ‘twist’ worthwhile.
At the airfield, the Roadbock required one of the teammembers to fly a plane for a brief time and perform a number of tricks. The Weavers were particularly excited. Yes, they get freaked out over go-karts but watching Rolly make a loop-the-loop in a small plane is just peachy.
The plane ride itself looked like great fun. Scary but fun. Because they had gotten to the airfield last, the Paolos and the Bransens were forced to wait until the others had completed their aerial maneuvres before they could send Brian and Lauren up there. Add to that the time both of them wasted on unsuccessful attempts when they were up there, and the Paolos and Bransens found themselves significantly behind the other teams.
The next clue told the teams to drive to the Grand Canyon. The Weavers decided they would celebrate going to such an impressive geographical wonder by throwing their litter at the Godlewskis as they passed. Classy. Sadly, the Godlewskis did not reply with a good old-fashioned mooning, causing the Weavers to drive off the road in shock at the heretical asses on display.
At the Grand Canyon entrance, the Weavers tried to stir up further mischief when they tried to hold up the Linzes by convincing the man in the booth to hold them up by telling them the complete history of the canyon. The guy at the booth merely rolled his eyes and told the Linzes that the crazy team in front of them was trashtalking them.
Of course, this set up the next scene which had the Weavers talking about how rude the other teams were and how the Linzes played dirty. Omigod, why would the other teams possibly be nasty and rude to the Weavers? Honestly, they have the self-awareness of gnats.
I have no problem with playing dirty but I get seriously pissed off when fuckwits like the Weavers do it but claim to be above it all. Guess what, Weavers, you’re not. That smelly stuff you’re standing in isn’t the stench of your own self-pity but the stench of the *bleep!* you’re swimming in.
After spending a whole three seconds at the Grand Canyon, the next clue told the teams to make their way to Glen Canyon. Great. Just when everyone was expecting the Grand Canyon, it turns out to be its weedier little brother instead. If you think about it, that’s a great description of this season of TAR: instead of the Grand Canyon, you end up with the Glen Canyon. Same thing more or less but so much smaller and less impressive.
On their way to the canyon, the Paolos made a fatal error. Instead of stopping and asking for directions like Marion wanted to do and the Bransens did, they drove on and ended up missing the exit. To steal a line from a Chevrolet ad, “En luister vir jou ma!”
The Detour at Glen Canyon was a choice between bailing and bearing. Bailing involved bailing water out of a boat while bearing involved following a compass to a cluebox, and not any of the Weavers getting eaten by a bear like I was hoping for.
Everyone ended up doing bailing except for the Weavers. “It’s because I’m a good navigator,” claimed Linda “God, we pray that you guide us to location X” Weaver.
As they looked for the submerged boat, the Linzes ragged on the Weavers. Every time a Linz makes fun of the Weavers, I like ‘em more. They’re already my favourite team at this point, especially Nick and Meg. They are the anti-Weavers. Now that the Weavers’ former archenemies, the Paolos, are out, the Linzes must take up the mantle of Anti-Weavers and prevent the Weavers from winning and thus releasing a thousand years of unending torment upon the world.
The Linzes finished their Detour ahead of the Pink Ladies (whose boat troubles advertised in the previews lasted of all ten seconds) and drove off to what looked like a first place finish.
The race to the Pitstop involved driving a motorboat to find Phil on a riverboat. But somehow, the Godlewskis’ motorboat went faster than the Linzes and the Cincinnati crew was once again deprived of a first place finish. The sisters claimed their boat had gone faster because it was happy. More of a case of the boat wanting to rid itself of the shriekiness as quick of possible, I suspect.
Weirdly, the greeter beside Phil was a kid. Was he supposed to represent Arizona? Because he didn’t look particularly symbolic to me. Producer’s son maybe? He could have at least worn a cowboy or Apache costume.
On their way to the Pitstop, the Weavers turned on the self-pity fountain again. “The other teams are so classless! We are above that because we’re Christians but they’re so horrible! They gang up on us! Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I’m going to eat some worms,” Rachel cried in despair as she wallowed in pools of self-pity and snot.
If there is a God, then somewhere he is preparing a lightning bolt for a most awesome karmic smackdown of these morally indignant, hypocritical little Christian cows.
Phil fed into the flames of their persecution complex when he asked them all about their victimisation and whether this had brought them closer together. Shut up, Dr Phil. The last thing I need is the Weavers thinking you endorse their ill-informed notions of the world.
Back at Glen Canyon, the last-placed Paolos fell back into old habits of arguing and fighting. When the going gets tough, the Paolos get shouting. For once the shouting did nothing and they arrived at the Pitstop dead last.
Aw, I felt almost sad as I watched them approach Phil and someone call someone else an idiot. I said almost. Then DJ Paolo was transformed into DJ Tanner and imparted a moral lesson straight out of Full House. He’s now learned to respect his mother because she showed him she could do things he didn’t think she was capable of. He says he might even not shout at her the next time they do something together. OK, so it’s more a Married With Children lesson than a Full House one but you get the picture.
Next week: It’s hilarious stuff when Christine falls “arse over tit” to quote Helen Mirren. I can’t even remember what the other preview bit was. I was laughing too hard.