Cassie is dead. I am in mourning. I have donned a platinum wig of inappropriate flippiness, a black veil, and a cleavagy black dress in order to properly show my sadness over this latest turn of events.
How could the writers be so cruel? Quite easily as it turns out and in the silliest way possible too.
The countdown to Cassie’s death began when as part of another scheme to reunite Marlena and Roman, Sami revealed to them, Shawn, John and Kate that the twins were Bradys. Much gasping and horrified reactions ensued, most of it for some reason over the fact that Sami knew and had lied about it rather than the fact that Roman had just gained a couple of kids.
Sami’s plans were scuppered when Cassie said these fateful words “It gives me great pain to say our biological mother is Kate Roberts”. Hee. Great pain is right but be glad she hates your guts because the worst part about having Kate as a mother is when she actually decides to do some mothering and gets way too involved in her kids’ lives.
Oh right, I forgot. Cassie can’t be glad about that. Because she’s dead. Hateful writers.
Tony was very sweet about it all and proclaimed that the DiMeras were his children in every way that mattered. Awww, he may be a cheesy archvillain but his love for the twins has always been real.
The others’ reactions were mostly perplexed except for Shawn who freaked out about it because the man he loves to accuse of killing people is now his family. He has somehow managed to get even more annoying about Rex possibly because this means that that secret sublimated Rexlust he has is for his own cousin.
As everyone in the room tried to adjust to this shocking revelation, Cassie had a few strategic flashbacks to Hope and Bo’s bludgeoning and noticed some suspicious salsa sitting on a table. As she gazed upon the revelatory salsa, a little lightbulb appeared above her tousled red locks and she uttered those fateful words: “I know who the killer is.”
Noooooo, Cassie, stop thinking! The Stalker only murders the people who know things! Stop it! Think about boys, THINK ABOUT BOYS!!!
Oh *bleep!*, it’s too late. She’s doomed. Damn your smarts and photographic memory, Cassie.
A warning from Caroline’s corpse to Celeste that someone else would soon die and a message received on Bo’s PDA featuring a menacing cartoon of a turkey being beheaded merely confirmed the sick fact that Cassie was doomed.
Foolishly, Cassie decided to wait until the next day to go to the cops with this information even though Roman was still right there at Caroline’s funeral. She sent Rex an email saying how she knew he wasn’t a killer and was going to prove it at risk to her own life.
Cassie: “Dear Rex. I know that you’re not the killer and I’m going to prove it. I know I’m doing the right thing even if it’s at risk to my own life. I love you, Rex and I will exonerate you.”
Me: Aww. If Cassie must die, then at least she’s going down using her brain and proving way better than the Salem PD.
[Phone rings]
Cassie: Hello? Evil killer, how did you figure out I know your identity?! That’s right, evil killer, I know who you are and I’m going to tell Roman at once! Why no, I haven’t told anyone else who you are, why do you ask? I’m off to the police station at this very moment though! [hangs up, unhooks phone and stares at it as if it might attack her at any moment]
Me: Doh!
She set up her appointment with death so very well with that phonecall, I’m surprised she didn’t phone the killer back to confirm the time and place she’d be murdered.
Meanwhile, as Cassie sauntered off to her death, Sami was trying to cook a turkey. This is notable for 2 reasons:
1) She can’t cook for shit
2) Kate’s head appeared on the turkey and started taunting her
While this could be a clue as to who the killer is (Sami has hallucinations of anthropomorphic poultry that tell her to kill people), I think it’s rather a case of Sami inhaling too much oven cleaner as she was preparing the oven for the turkey.
And people don't respect soaps for some reasonLook at this. Sometimes I wonder how the cast don’t quit outright when they get scripts with things like “Sami beheads the Turkey Kate” on them. Crazily enough, Kate’s head was only the second most bizarre event of the past week and a half.
No, it was the dreaded piñata incident that claimed that spot. Imagine the scene: kiddies playing a good old-fashioned game of ‘hit the piñata’. Suddenly the piñata starts dripping blood. A man pokes the piñata with a stick and what should fall out of the piñata but Cassie’s bloody and unmoving body.
That's not candy!Everyone was shocked! Roman recoiled, Lucas looked listless and Sami was stunned. Rex wailed in despair and gathered up his sister’s body in his arms. Marlena acted horrified but was secretly gleeful at all the money she was going to make off of the traumatised kids.
Poor Cassie. Not only was she killed off, she was stuffed in a piñata. I can’t even properly be sad at her death because I keep giggling at the image of her falling out of the piñata. Hee, piñata.
To top it all off, she didn’t even get a proper send-off with touching memories and flashbacks like all the other victims. Why couldn’t she have gotten flashbacks? Like how she was introduced on the show, wearing only a shiny silver swimsuit? Or that time she wore that lowcut vampire costume and tried to kill Kate? Or the time she modeled in Belle’s fashion show, wearing a bikini?
Man, I miss her already. Goodbye, sweet Cassie.
So long pretty CassieDays cares not for the sassyTransient as bubblegumAre contracts on a soapBut I’ve seen you on Nip/TuckAnd House so maybe there’s still hopeThat’s the way it goesFor someone who is so emotional and morally righteous over everyone else’s deaths, Shawn seemed awfully bored with this one. When Philip arrived at the scene, Shawn told him of his new sister’s death as casually as if he was asking him out to coffee.
Shawn: Soooo…Phil. Rex and Cassie are actually Kate’s kids so surprise, surprise, you have a new brother and sister. The upside is that Cassie was just brutally murdered so you only have to shop for one gift on their birthday and Christmas.
You’d think that the sight of Rex weeping distraughtly over his sister’s body would soften Shawn’s attitude to Rex a bit but you would be wrong. Somehow, he took this as even more evidence that Rex is the killer. Honestly, Rex could be murdered himself right in front of Shawn and Shawn would still find some way to interpret that as more proof that Rex is guilty.
It was the little fuckwit’s lowest moment, and that’s saying a lot considering just how awful he’s been lately. Philip earned some of my undying love when he pointed out to Shawn that he could blame the DiMeras for every single bad thing that ever happens in Salem.
Between this, the Cassie friendship and the punching out Brady a couple of weeks back, I like that boy more and more. His terrifying blockhead doesn’t even phase me any more.
Who should be found at the crimescene holding a bloody knife but Kate Roberts? Roman questioned her, desperate to prove his girlfriend was not a murderer but her story wasn’t very satisfactory.
Kate: There I was just a-walking down the streetSinging doo-a-diddy-diddy-dum-diddy-dayWhen a knife fell down and landed at my feetSinging doo-a-diddy-diddy-dum-diddy-dayIt looked good It looked fineBut I didn’t kill my daughter though I was there at the timeAdd to that the fact that the last phonecall on Kate’s cellphone was to Cassie and the cops were forced to arrest Kate. They kept her in jail for a whole seven minutes before Roman swore Kate was innocent based on their amazing love connection or something.
Who knows how Roman knows this. Perhaps he’s planning on starting a rival psychic hotline to Celeste’s
Speaking of Celeste, she kept having chats with Caroline’s spirit like she was some chestier version of Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost. The Ghost ripoff was made even more blatant when Abe’s spirit used her as an instrument for saying goodbye to Lexie. They slowdanced together before Abe faded away and Celeste returned in his place.
Jen also got an otherworldly visit from Jack. When she was at his shrine, a wind blew and a mysterious gloved hand touched her shoulder. I do protest. Abe gets an extended sendoff complete with dashing dress uniform and slow dance and all we see of Jack is a hand? Jen should really lodge some sort of formal complaint with the Undead Persons’ Union.
Celeste, Lexie, Sami and Jen then held a séance where the dead communicated with them through a scrabble board. A scrabble board, Celeste? Have you spent so much money on your extensive wig collection that you can’t afford a Oiuija…Oiuja…Ojiua…*bleep!*, how the hell do you spell that crap?
Thanks, spirits of the undead!
All of the ghosts have one thing in common: they claim that Marlena will be killed by John. This means that every scene between Marlena and John nowadays has John doing menacing things like putting his hands around her neck (to put on a scarf) and waving a knife by her face (to cut some flowers for her).
Are the spirits of the undead full of *bleep!*? How can John, who has stood by Marlena through thick and devil possession, possibly kill his doc? Sami certainly thinks so. But then, Sami has clearly had a Freaky Friday situation where she has swapped bodies with Will because there is no other explanation for her acting like a thirteen year-old.
Her only dialogue, when she’s not kissing Lucas/having an axe swung at her by Lucas/falling into open graves, is how much she wants her mother and father back together and how clear it is that John and Kate are somehow both the Salem Stalker.
Make up your mind, Sami. Which one of the flaring-nostrilled fools is it? Kate or John? You can’t have it both ways.
Lucas, fool that he is, decided he would scare Sami into leaving his mother alone by dressing up as the killer and menacing Sami with an axe. It’s like Aesop’s Fables, only with weapons, killers and possible psychological damage. Maybe you can adopt the “dress like a killer and pretend to attack someone” ploy as a parental strategy on Will.
Roman unmasked Lucas but decided not to haul Lucas’ ass off to jail when he explained what he was trying to do to Sami. It’s nice to know that if I’m ever caught in the disguise of a serial killer and carrying an axe, I can get go by telling the arresting cop some lame excuse about giving someone a scare.
“I oughtta arrest you for being stupid. Unfortunately, there’s no law about that,” Roman growled at Lucas. Lucky, otherwise everyone in Salem would be behind bars.
Sami added “Lucas is the murderer, arrest him!” to her repertoire. Is she just going to keep adding people she dislikes to her “This person is definitely the killer” list without removing people? Because I don’t quite see serial killing as being a team sport.
Now that they’ve finally stopped Xeroxing Shawn’s three pages of script about Rex being evil, they’re still trying to save money on paper by Xeroxing Sami’s. As Sami languishes in repeat hell, Shawn is facing a new danger.
Jan lurks in the shadows, making annoying comments to herself, dressing up as birds and fantasising about Shawn-Duh for god knows what reason. Proof positive that this chick is insane: she is obsessed with this fool:
Do I make you horny, baby?So she’s the new teen bitch vixen now? They offed Cassie so Jan could take over the role as official nemesis to Belle? That’s the worst idea anyone’s had since Julius Caesar decided “Hmmm, this March day is just beautiful weather for a trip down to the Senate”. Talk about replacing Filet Mignon with dog food.
To make thinks even worse, Belle reappeared on the scene and Chloe looks set to return very soon. Jan is fuming that Belle has leapt back into Shawn’s arms and is having pleasant fantasies of trying to kill Belle as Shawn cheers. Hee.
I quite like the idea of a nutjob coming up with all sorts of schemes to kill Belle. Pity it’s Jan who’s doing it. What they should have done is had another transplant storyline, only this time Jan gets eaten by a runaway bear or something and they have to transplant her brain into Cassie’s body. That way, Cassie sort of lives on and the wretched Jan actress gets to snot her way into the unemployment office.
Oh stop looking at me like I’m some desperate freak. I’m facing the prospect of dealing with a trifecta of Belle, Jan and Chloe. A little denial goes a long way.