Wins Todd Does, Sucks SABC3 Does
So apparently Todd won. Somehow. I would tell you exactly how but thanks to the crack-smoking team at the SABC3 office, THEY SKIPPED THE GODDAMN FINAL TRIBAL COUNCIL TO GO STRAIGHT TO THE REUNION!

Yes, it seems the SABC is in such dire financial straits, they had to sell off bits of the Survivor finale for drug money. Unfortunately, instead of selling off the parts no-one cares about, like the fifteen-minute previously sequence, they decided to get rid of the most important part of the entire finale.

Don’t worry, I’m sure the culprit at the SABC will be severely dealt with. He will probably be fired for this. And handed a R11 million severance package.

I could spend the rest of this column complaining about the SABC but what fun would fifteen straight pages of obscenities and CAPSLOCK be? Besides, I’m sure that anything I come up with will pale in comparison to your own obscenities you screamed at the television while watching.

First, some filler

Previously on Survivor: blah blah blah, stuff happened. Lots of stuff. SABC3 did not advertise that Survivor was starting half an hour earlier than usual. Courtney, Todd, Denise, and Amanda made it to the final four. It was a wild ride.

Because Mark Burnett is still under the mistaken impression that a final three is more exciting than the final two, the first challenge of the episode was a Reward Challenge instead of the once traditional Immunity Challenge. The RC involved the Tiny Wall of China, which is like the legoland version of the more famous Great Wall. Amanda won and got to enjoy some pizza and brownies. Jeff gave her the option of sharing the food and she chose Todd so she could keep an eye on him.

This dredged up some painful childhood memories for Denise of always being the last picked. Luckily she had a bartender there to pour her heart out to. You know, people might have second thoughts about sharing their troubles with bartenders after watching Courtney in action in season.

Before I knew it, it was time for the ‘Fallen Comrades’ walk of flashbacks. It’s just like the dead people montage at an awards show, only no-one’s actually dead or talented. As if people like Chicken and Dave weren’t unbearable enough the first time. Speaking of Dave, according to his flashback, his strategy was to be “highly likeable”. I’d rate this plan as having been slightly less successful than Hitler’s invasion of Russia.

Some flashbacks later, the survivors gathered in front of the statue of the Chinese goddess of pointless filler to participate in the final IC. The challenge was to balance some china (from China! So clever!) until all other competitors died of heatstroke. The challenge came down to Amanda and Denise. Denise was looking wobbly. Amanda was looking like a robot. An Amandroid, if you will. Denise tried to make a deal with the Amandroid but she refused. One final wobble later and Amandroid claimed her spot in the final three.

Yet more filler and a vote

Everyone was suddenly very appreciative of Amanda now that she had the power. Denise, poor creature that she was, tried to escape the inevitable by arguing how crappy her life was. Argumentum ad Patheticum is the Latin term for this, I believe. Amanda looked sad and pouty. Well, poutier than usual. She reassured Denise (or so the editing would have you believe) that she had nothing to worry about in the next TC. But for all her poutiness, has Amanda ever let emotion get in the way of her devious plans? Was she really going to start now?

Courtney did not approve of Denise’s strategy to get into the final three by playing up her sad, sad life. “This isn’t a welfare. She shouldn’t win by sucking at life,” she complained. Yes, better to engage in the far more respected strategy of acting like the biggest bitch this side of the Great Wall.

At Tribal Council, Denise was sure to mention that Amanda had guaranteed her safety earlier that day. Quick as a flash, Amanda said that she had made no such promises that day. Interesting choice of words there, Lionel Hutz. Todd made a face and pointed out just how quick Amanda was to sell Denise down the river. Amanda gave him a look that clearly said, “Oh, you little bitch. I cannot believe I shared my brownies with your pygmy ass.”

Amanda totally did sell Denise down the river though. I’d speculate that the moment when she decided not to vote Todd out was the moment she lost the game, but since I have no idea how the jury voted, I’ll fill the space I would have used with random gibberish instead. Basket. Duck. Uno. The Goonies. Moist. Five. Monkey gone to heaven. Rosebud.

And the winner is…

Courtney and Todd were thrilled to be in the final three but Amanda was downcast because of what Todd had said at TC. Todd acted innocent. The next morning they burned Jean-Robert’s shoes. A Beijing-like smog suddenly appeared above camp.

The moment we were waiting for finally arrived. Final TC. The jury-members looked as stone-faced as terracotta warriors. Jeff let the final three make their opening remarks, during which we learned Courtney had weighed 95 pounds at the start of the game. I sympathy-ate a whole ham. And then, it was time for the jury to do their thing…

Then someone in the SABC3 offices fell asleep on the switchboard and it was suddenly the reunion. Todd had won and was sporting a hideous fauxhawk-mullet combination. Courtney looked almost healthy, and all the women were wearing way too much make-up as usual. Questions were asked and remote controls were thrown at the TV. James won the favourite survivor prize, while Denise and Peih-Gee (!!!) rounded off the list of viewer favourites. Everyone was sad when Denise revealed she was working as a janitor because going on Survivor lost her her job, but Mark Burnett spontaneously gave her $50 000 so it was all OK. Finally, Jeff revealed that the new season would feature superfans vesus former “favourite” contestants. Yes, I do know who the “favourites” are, and those quotation marks aren’t going anywhere.

And they all lived happily ever after.




Back to the future

But wait….

Someone at the SABC must have noticed a sudden influx of irate callers and realised something was Very Very Wrong. So, eventually they did show the jury questions and vote like some reality show version of Memento. And I would love to recap it, I really would. Except I changed the channel in disgust about seventeen music videos later and only changed back when it was halfway through.

I am sorry. I feel like an SABC employee myself right now. I feel like I should be the one reprimanded, and hated by fans, and given a huge cash bonus as punishment. Unfortunately, I can’t properly recap the jury vote beyond a couple of things I actually caught – Todd answered Jaime’s question so well she changed her answer, and Denise’s question left out the all important bit where she actually asked a question – so I’ll have to improv instead. If you, like me, missed the jury vote, then why not make your own storyline?


a.) forgot she had already been voted out and kept trying to convince Courtney to switch alliances.
b.) spent five minutes swearing at the final three in Mandarin
c.) ignored the final three completely and instead grilled Denise on why she didn’t take her on the reward challenge

a.) asked Jeff if it was too late to play one of his immunity idols
b.) communicated in nothing but exaggerated facial movements and eyerolling
c.) started talking about forbidden apples, got hungry, and wandered off to eat something

a.) flashed his most charming smile, causing the women and Jeff to start screaming like little girls
b.) took out his guitar and sang an acoustic rendition of ‘Like a Virgin’
c.) spent his time putting his hair in curlers

a.) passed Courtney a note with “Do u like me??? Y/N” written on it
b.) asked Todd and Amanda the most difficult questions he could find and then asked Courtney to describe just how awesome she was
c.) snidely told Courtney, “I’m not your munchkin anymore” and began making out with Denise

a.) presented Jeff with a fake immunity idol made of half a coconut shell and a banana skin
b.) giggled “I’m not as dumb as I look” and then fell down
c.) giggled “I’m not as dumb as I look” and then recited Plato

a.) cried about how she had always been last picked at school when she was the final jury member Jeff called
b.) kicked the final three’s asses with some patented Shaolin moves
c.) asked Jeff for a duck foetus recipe so she could serve it at her school

a.) promised Courtney he’d vote for her if she let him smell her hair
b.) tried to get Jeff to change the rules so the million dollars would be up for grabs in a single-hand poker game
c.) spent eight minutes talking about how brilliant his game was and then asked how the final three could possibly compare to his genius

Todd won because:
a.) Amanda’s blur got so big, no-one knew she was even in the final three
b.) Courtney won the jury with her underdog tale and then lost them again by insulting all their mothers
c.) he promised everyone business seat upgrades on the plane trip home

Replies: 35
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Reply from: Green.arrow Tuesday, September 01, 2009 00:31 AM
I was so upset....anything but the jury's interogation.....but its sabc yet again...i'm gonna try see if thre's anything on youtube....
But, im glad tht james and denise got a little sungthing sungthing.....i was praying it wud b James,he cant keep digging graves kalokhu.......but then i thought Denise got demoted from being a cook to a genitor...too sad.....
thre is  no point talking-complaining-etc about todd...he won he won.......
altho i did like it when hew was all paranoid and desperate.....
Reply from: Green.arrow Tuesday, September 01, 2009 00:50 AM

Todd...you evil genius........
For the fisrt time im accepting that intergrity does is not the way to win this game...i accept...

Peih-Gee: spent five minutes swearing at the final three in Mandarin...lolest
she said she is sick of amanda looking at everybody with doll eyes...being all apologetic and staff....wonder how it would sound in mandrin....

Reply from: Green.arrow Tuesday, September 01, 2009 01:02 AM
K...i think Frosti voted for Amanda....and he kissed the card...too cute...

And the "live" reading of the results lookes so fake,u could tell they already new who won..nxa...

cant you put the youtube videos for the missing staff on the article Claudia ???
Reply from: Best-Achiever Tuesday, September 01, 2009 07:43 AM
My heart was with James ... Digging graves shouldnt be anyone's career
Reply from: blueroze Tuesday, September 01, 2009 08:48 AM
i was so upset and disappointed at SABC 

there was no car challenge?
or SABC omitted it as well
Reply from: cleve Tuesday, September 01, 2009 09:03 AM
I'm glad chocolate pudding( Jamea) won something. I hope he uses that money to do something and stop digging graves. Maybe have his own company that digs graves instead of him physically digging graves. I love you baby and I hope you come back with the survivor favorites. You were the best!!!!!!!!!! *mwah*

Eish the SABC>>>>>>>> no comment
Reply from: TheLady Tuesday, September 01, 2009 09:08 AM
They did show it??? mncim, like we cared.

Anyway apparently Denise was lying about being demoted, Mark Brunnet decided to give the $50grand to charity...who would have known.

The stupidest thing to do for Amanda was to vote for Denise, right after Todd's comment hellooooo!!!!
Reply from: cleve Tuesday, September 01, 2009 09:18 AM
hHAYI the Lady where did you get that
Reply from: Teeza Tuesday, September 01, 2009 09:19 AM
Uyaphosisa wena Lady!! Did she lie really??? That would be so low! Best: so now who should dig when we dead? Must admit tho' he's too cute to be the off-sender:-)  Personally I want to be cremated. No joy or dignity in having margots feasting on my remains, ah ah.
Reply from: lady gaga Tuesday, September 01, 2009 09:24 AM
Totaly clueless, eish!!!!!!
Reply from: Mathaz Tuesday, September 01, 2009 09:26 AM
Todd won....what a schemer, i remeber sometime JR pulled him aside and said he knows he is into this game to win (duh) and he is on to him.  It was so sad to hear Denise say that she will go back to her job as a lunch lady whilst Amanda has got her clothing line and Todd his career.  I did not like Courntey's comment about Denise "sucking at life".  

Digging graves shouldnt be anyone's career  Is he still digging?  Come to think of it i wonder what Dreams is up to, still coaching cheer leading?

Reply from: cleve Tuesday, September 01, 2009 09:30 AM
Come to think of it i wonder what Dreams is up to, still coaching cheer leading? 

kwa kwa kwa kwa kwa LOL

Is he still digging?
Apparantly at the time of yesterday's show he was still digging............ Let me google
Reply from: Cheesa Tuesday, September 01, 2009 09:31 AM

LOL BA me two I just loved James, He also won though without having to stay there for 39 days. What did SABC3 do with that finale, was there a mix of tapes coz during the break I switched to Generations and when I came back to see what was happening on 3, BOOM I see Tod happy as the winner. And I was like haibo I didn't see the jury asking them questions and gcwaliseling them kanti what's happening na, just by these few seconds that I switched to Gen everything has passed me, hayi nee. All to find out they didn't play it and later past 22h20 I switch to SABC3 and I saw Denise talking to the 3 finalist, I was like what they sh!t is going with SABC3 mfncim SABC3 spoiled that finale NXAAA!!

Reply from: Strolicious Tuesday, September 01, 2009 09:31 AM
i was hoping for Amanda to win,,,cant wait for the amazing race.
Reply from: Best-Achiever Tuesday, September 01, 2009 09:33 AM
Anyone who cares Mathaz, family relatives or community members ... can you imagine waking up in the morning and the first thing that comes into you mind is spade and coffin ...hha ah
Reply from: monchooza Tuesday, September 01, 2009 09:37 AM
What???they showed the jury questining? hope the sabc makes it up to us by showing it again..i mean they love repeats so why not?
Reply from: Cheesa Tuesday, September 01, 2009 09:38 AM

LOL hayi maan wena BA, James seems to be enjoying that job njena.

Reply from: Mathaz Tuesday, September 01, 2009 09:43 AM
It's not a glamorus career but maybe he digs for the rich and famous now...since MJ is not yet buried maybe he is the one who'll dig his grave.
Reply from: Best-Achiever Tuesday, September 01, 2009 09:46 AM
even so Mathaz, i mean digging is digging ... for  dead famous what what of nee .... It is not like those famous ppl will still rise and go with him on stage and proclaim "THis is the man who dug my grave"
Reply from: Phikza Tuesday, September 01, 2009 09:50 AM
MISSED IT and lazy to read the recap!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! mciiiim....hope to catch it on Saturday
Reply from: edster Tuesday, September 01, 2009 09:55 AM
NEXT SEASON: SURVIVOR SABC3 OUTWIT, OUTPLAY, OUT ... yes, just "OUT" they don't do the "LAST" bit!
Reply from: cleve Tuesday, September 01, 2009 10:11 AM
Eish James is coming back for the next season of survivor, more eye candy for mwa
Reply from: TheLady Tuesday, September 01, 2009 10:27 AM
For Teeza and cleve...see I ain't no Denise


Reply from: Mathaz Tuesday, September 01, 2009 10:39 AM

Thanks TL, I can't belive Denise lied, it's so unlike her, why would she lie on national TV, that was a stupid move.  With the recession and all, she should be grateful she has a job as a janitor.

Reply from: Green.arrow Tuesday, September 01, 2009 11:00 AM
Poor Denise.......
Jean-Robert makes a lot of money from his poker games so he should be fine......
little witty Todd...wonder what he did with the cash....???
Reply from: Green.arrow Tuesday, September 01, 2009 11:09 AM
haibo....James (2008) was still working as a gravedigger.......aowa man.....anywho...aretse.....

Reply from: GodsArt Tuesday, September 01, 2009 11:39 AM
Kucacile ke ukuthi kusebenza irhamorsi e SABC.....
Reply from: Teeza Tuesday, September 01, 2009 12:36 PM
TL; Yho yho yho! Thanks babe. Don't peeps realise that they are addressing the whole world when on TV?? Mncim, suka.
Reply from: blaqueboi Tuesday, September 01, 2009 12:49 PM
@ Green Arrow: Dnt feel too sorry for James

ok i dnt get it...wat is it thats so likeable about James Clement  that he would win Survivor, viewer's favourite twice? R200 000 down. Now all he has to do is come back to Survivor 8 more timea and he will have won a million at the end.
Reply from: TheLady Tuesday, September 01, 2009 16:21 PM
Apparently Jaime and Erik got hitched, he's not a virgin anymore...I guess.
Reply from: Zah000 Wednesday, September 02, 2009 16:36 PM
@TL: I can't even access the link you posted!! Got a message that says i'm blocked from audio & video sites.... mxcmm

Anyway, was so dissapointed with SABC 3. Apparently Jaime and Erik got hitched<<< Really??

I love me some James!!!
Reply from: cleve Thursday, September 03, 2009 11:26 AM
hhayi blaque boy umona, he is hott u James if you haven't noticed............. He is a hard worker, honesty,intregrity and humbless are a part of his life. We all dream o men like that!!!!!!!!
Reply from: Mathaz Thursday, September 03, 2009 11:51 AM
@Cleve....are you sure there's not obsession there on James LOL??? 
Reply from: cleve Thursday, September 03, 2009 11:56 AM
Hhayi, this is the first Survivor who will stay in my heart forever. I just loved James from day 1 and when he left I was REALLY heartbroken, I even cried.

I don't know why but I love him, maybe coz he's a gravedigger(fascinating). 

Eish maybe I am obssesed coz O can't wait for the next season
Reply from: Floh Thursday, September 03, 2009 19:05 PM
I saw SABC apology today, they will repeat SURVIVOR FINALE.

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