It wasn’t exactly a nailbiter of a vote but Earl winning was a pretty damn satisfying end to the season. He’s certainly one of the most deserving winners we’ve ever seen. Still, I can’t help but feel a little disappointed that it wasn’t little chicken-legged superman Yau pulling off a victory. No-one would have predicted that before the start of the game.
The customary season recap kicked off the episode, allowing any viewers who hadn’t been watching to catch up on what had happened. All two of them. I would recommend those two whole viewers read my recaps instead; it would certainly be quicker than sitting through the fourteen-year-long recap.
Enough self-promotion. Onto the show proper, or as I like to call it, fifteen minutes of awesome bitter jury speeches preceded by an hour and a half of twaddle. Yau-Man was now painfully aware of the target sitting on his back like a giant red pimple from hell. He asked Earl if he could borrow the immunity idol but Earl was in primo strategic mode himself and said he had to hold on to it in case he was also in danger.
The only way Yau could get his hands on an idol was through winning the first IC. No problem for the Yau-ster. The challenge was to complete a maze blindfolded but Yau sped through it as if he had X-ray glasses. In the land of the blind, the Yau-Man is king. The other competitors bumbled around bashing into each other, providing a few more clips for the comic pratfall montage in the reunion. What can I say about Yau other than that he is truly a-maze-ing?
"Brains! Braaaiiiinnnnssss!"With Yau safe, the target shifted back onto Boo. Now I think he may have concussed himself fewer times than usual this episode because he actually had some good strategising going on to try and save his skin.
He approached both Earl and Yau separately and convinced them it would be a good idea to take him into the finale instead of the other. His sales pitch was basically: “You’ll win against me! Seriously, who in their right mind would possibly vote for me? I’m the perfect goat.” True enough, although, apart from Earl and Yau, this final five is so stacked with goats it resembles a barnyard. Can you imagine a jury trying to decide between Dreamz and Boo?
Dreamz was worried about people not keeping their word to keep him on until the final four. Funny, considering Dreamz has broken just about every one of his words, including the neutral ones like “the” and “me”. This was the first of about a thousand comments Dreamz dropped about promises and keeping one’s word. Oh, hi there, Foreshadowing. Nice of you to drop by.
At TC, Boo expressed concern that Dreamz would get further than him by garnering the sympathy vote due to his sad, homeless childhood. Dreamz explained that he didn’t talk about his upbringing for sympathy votes but to inspire and uplift people. Oh geez, he’s like a bad Hallmark movie dubbed into Armenian: sappy, full of empty platitudes, and incoherent.
This was the last time the hidden immunity idol could be used so Earl gladly played his just to be safe. Then it was time to see if Boo’s plan had worked. It hadn’t. Boo was voted out four votes to one. He ran off the TC set quickly so as not to set fire to himself.
With only four people left, it was time for the castaways to reflect on their past experiences and further fluff the final’s running time. Yau was thankful to have made it this far, especially after the hard times he’d gone through back at Ravioli. You’d think Ravioli was a concentration camp the way these people talk about it.
Earl compared his friendship with Yau to the movie Rush Hour. Funny, when I think of a fast-talking black dude who actually doesn’t say much at all, I think Dreamz. But the gist of it was that black and Asian guys can be friends. It’s those shifty Alex-types you really can’t trust. You know, Hispanics. Just kidding! I mean lawyers.
The big question on Dreamz’s mind was whether he would keep his word to Yau about giving him immunity if he won the final four IC. He interviewed that he wanted his son to see him as a man of his word. I’d “awww” but I was already expecting him to break it at this point. Plus he kind of already broke it with that stunt to vote Yau out last week.
Then it was time for the March of the Pretend Dead Survivors. The remaining castaways pretended to care about their already-voted-out tribemates. Remember the hot chick? The talkative chick with the afro? The bossy biotch? The dying smurf? The wannabe masseur? The chick with the lipgloss and nip-slips? The nerd? The retarded Stallone wannabe? The loser who fell on her face? The cute chick who fell on her ass? The guy with the accent? The mook? The dude who thought he was the Godfather? The bitchy girl who gets possessive over coffee? The Southern dude who fell on his face, ass and every other body part he could find?
After this pointless yet traditional interlude, it was time for the final IC. Jeff asked Yau to hand his immunity necklace over and Dreamz confidently told him he’d soon get it back. Yes, Dreamz, I am so sure. These multiple references scattered throughout the episode to you keeping your word and giving Yau the idol are not obvious attempts to set up a shocking twist at all.
The castaways had to hang on to a bar as water was poured down on them. Hey, at least they get a free shower. Or Fijian waterboarding if you’re a glass half empty kind of person. While the other contestants struggled, Dreamz looked sure of himself. Of course he did; when he was a kid, he’d often have to sleep hanging from a bridge in the pouring rain so the ravenous stray dogs below wouldn’t eat him.
Destiny took its proper course and Dreamz did indeed win immunity. Good, all this drama over Yau’s car deal sure would have fizzled out if Cassandra had suddenly won. Knowing Mark Burnett, he probably put industrial strength superglue on Dreamz’s bar to ensure this very result.
Would Dreamz honour his agreement with Yau? Everyone was sure he would. Cassandra said that he was a sweet kid and she couldn’t think of any reason he would break his promise. I can think of a million, before taxes.
Cassandra is not impressed with your fuckery, Dreamz!Yau came to a similar conclusion and declared Dreamz a man of his word. Three out of four mulemen agree that this is *bleep!*. The fourth was too busy breaking his word to be polled.
Usually I wouldn’t give a crap whether someone backstabs another player, especially not at this stage of the game. But it’s Yau! And he gave him a damn car! And Yau is awesome! And did I mention Yau gave him a car?
Yau refused to even prod Dreamz a little and remind him ever-so-nicely that he had his first car thanks to him. No! Guilt the bastard! Guilt the bastard so bad, he feels like he’s just been through twelve years of Catholic school!
At TC, when Jeff asked Earl what he would have done in Dreamz’s position, Earl gave an answer which proved once again what a shrewd guy he was: “I would never have gotten myself in that position”. Exactly. Earl would have seen at once what a giant albatross the car-deal was and said no.
Dreamz just saw the shininess and missed the fact that the deal was a game-losing one all along. Keeping the deal would have resulted in his elimination. Reneging on the deal would have caused everyone to hate him for being such a treacherous slimeball to a well-liked, well-respected guy, which is exactly what ended up happening.
The moment of truth came and Jeff asked Dreamz whether he wanted to give anyone the idol. Dreamz said no. Oh snap! Everyone went googly-eyed, except for Mook who was laughing his fool head off.
Dreamz, you little pus-stain, you. I hope coyotes crap in your truck. I hope hobos steal the tyres and burn them downwind of your house. I hope vultures fly off with the engine. I hope a rat dies in the aircon. I hope the radio gets stuck on bad a.m. talk stations.
Yau looked incredibly disappointed at Wormz. He was about to be even more disappointed. Everyone voted for him, including his best bud Earl. Ouch, that has to be salt in the wound. It was inevitable – Earl’s too smart a guy to willingly go up against the Yau-minator.
Earl, Cassandra and Dreamz decided to celebrate reaching the final three by setting fire to their camp. Every single season, the final three indulge in this air pollution with such glee. I’m beginning to think the casting producers lurk outside Pyromaniacs Anonymous. Earl and I both made a fire sale joke. Don’t step on my gags, Earl. I aint as nice as Yau.
Dreamz was so happy to be in the final three, he said it felt like he was standing next to Oprah. I hear she likes to give away cars too; you want to screw her over as well?
The real reason we watch the finales is for the final TC. The jury members bounded in with murder in their eyes. Well, except for Michelle. She winked. Winked! I don’t think she quite gets the bitter jury part of the game.
First up, the final three had to say a few brief words. The reactions to these speeches made it way too obvious who was going to win, not that it wasn’t already. Earl got a polite but stern reaction (again, except for Michelle who was grinning from ear-to-ear), while Cassandra and Dreamz both got death glares from everyone.
Earl claimed he had played an honest and clean game. *bleep!*. Own up to your crap, Earl. He more wisely and truthfully claimed he had played a really smart game. Cassandra’s argument was basically, “I was everyone’s friend! And I was positive!” while Dreamz said, “You know me. I wrote everything on my chest.” Yes, they know exactly how you jumped alliances like it was going out of fashion. A fine argument, Earthworm Dim.
Michelle was the first person to ask a question. She tore into them, verbally abusing them and threatening to cut out their tongues and eat them raw. Not really. She was way too sweet and asked a boring question about what they thought their biggest hardship was.
Dreamz thought the biggest thing he had to overcome was thirst. Really? Not a decision to vote out the dude who gave you a car by any chance? Cassandra couldn’t swim and Earl brought out the violins to talk about how terrible his days at Ravioli were.
Edgardo’s question was basically designed to prove Dreamz was a dirty snake. He asked Earl how he’d known about the four horsemen’s hidden immunity idol. Earl revealed Dreamz was the mole. Oh, this should be fun.
Mook’s question was a follow-up. He asked Dreamz whether he considered this betrayal or not. Dreamz spoke a whole lot of drivel without actually answering. Mook warned him not to lie. More waffle. Mook tried once again to get a straight answer out of him. Waffles with cream.
Alex was up next. I have to say, based on his final words when he was voted off, I had a feeling he’d act like a donkey’s arse, and I was not disappointed. He asked Cassandra whether she’d ever had to struggle with her integrity. Cassandra answered that she’d stumbled upon a convo between Alex and Boo at the start of the game and struggled over whether she should listen in.
That was not the answer Alex was looking for. He launched into a diatribe over Cassandra’s BETRAYAL of Stacy. When Cassandra tried to explain that she never even freakin’ turned on Stacy, he kept telling her to stop talking because this was his allocated jackass time.
He turned to Dreamz and kicked off his question with “Riddle me this.” AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! He’s trying to be badass by channeling the Riddler now? He couldn’t be any more of a tool if there was a drillbit coming out of his ass. He asked Dreamz how he could reconcile his terrible actions with his love for teaching children good values. Not the children!
Dreamz made a distinction between the game and real life, and how the values of playing the game differed from his real-life, day-to-day values. Alex was having none of it and invoked the name of karma. Yeah yeah, take your self-righteous audition for a David E Kelley show somewhere else and get lost.
As if that wasn’t enough to put me over my daily recommended dosage of moronic blowhards, Lisi was next. She made fun of Cassandra’s water-shoes. OMG, HOW DARE YOU INSULT HER WATER-SHOES? Jeff got an obvious WTF-look at this point. She told Cassandra she was in over her head and complained that greed motivated her actions. Yes, GREED! And SLOTH! And ENVY! And nasty, disgusting water-shoes from the DEPTHS OF HADES!
Her question to Dreamz was how many zeroes there were in a million dollars. Dreamz immediately answered six. Lisi looked triumphant because apparently she doesn’t know a million has six zeroes herself. Ha! Dreamz was all “I’m not stupid, you know” and Lisi tried to cover for the fact that her question had backfired horribly.
Lisi’s question for Earl was to ask why he voted Yau off. Earl gave a simple and concise answer; because it was the smart move. Lisi thought it was amazing that “smart” was interchangeable with “lying and manipulating”. Ooh, just like “stupid neanderthal’ is interchangeable with “Lisi”!
Stacy asked Earl why she should give the money to him over Dreamz (Cassandra is chopped liver) when Dreamz has a sad backstory and a real need. Earl then launched into his own sad backstory about how he worked himself up from his own poor childhood and that everybody could use the money, not just Dreamz. No bitterness? Damn. Next!
Rocky was surprisingly decent. He asked the final three what their best manipulative move was. Cassandra said she was a positive person. Way to not answer the question, Pollyanna. Dreamz’s best manipulation was his ousting of Yau and Earl was all “I manipulated all you suckaz”.
Boo started off by asking them to bow before the awesomeness that is Yau. He said that Dreamz made a promise in his heart and asked him how he could reconcile his behaviour with his Christian morals. Uh, what? He’s actually attacking Dreamz’s faith? Somewhere Jesus is all “Oh hell no! Don’t bring me into this. You sort this among yourselves.” Great, I at least thought Boo wasn’t a hyper judgmental twat. How wrong I was.
Finally, Yau. Time to close this with some class. Yau said he had no testosterone left to make him an aggressive asshole, and forgave Dreamz for breaking their deal. He said it was his fault and Dreamz should feel good about the truck. Dreamz really is a fantastic, forgiving guy. I however am not and still hope a coyote or two mess in the truck.
Yau then asked Dreamz why he’d changed his mind about the deal. Dreamz replied that he hadn’t changed his mind, which I think is tosh considering he gave confessionals to the camera talking about keeping his word because of his kid. I swear, he doesn’t know what he’s saying half the time.
Yau’s question to Earl was simple. Why did he vote against him? Earl’s answer was equally simple; because he would never have won against him. If Earl didn’t already have it in the bag before, his excellent answers sure sealed the deal.
Fast forward to the finale in New York. Earl looked chubbed out, Cassandra had been attacked by the overzealous Survivor make-up artist and Dreamz was sporting a Snidely Whiplash moustache. Jeff read the votes and it was unanimous. Earl won with all nine votes.
Woooo! Landslide, baby! What a great ending!
Whew, now I’m all Survivored out. I’ll be taking a relaxing trip to Exile Island so I’m ready for Survivor China.