As if I didn’t dislike Ravioli’s new line-up, the episode kicked off with Lisi joining the Burly Men and making them the Burly Men and One Burly Women. As the only woman, Lisi is officially the sex symbol of Ravioli. If Maxim ever wants to do a “women of Ravioli” photoshoot, it will consist of Lisi in nothing but a palm frond and two coconuts.
Despite a few jokes about Lisi’s tendency to talk people’s ears off, the men were surprisingly mellow about having her yapping mouth on the tribe. I guess after you’ve lived with Rocky for a few days, even Lisi comes across as a quiet girl in comparison. The Raviolis probably hope that Lisi and Rocky will cancel each other’s constant stream of crap-talk out.
Over on Motorola Beach, Earl and Yau-Man were plotting. The Immunity Idol was somewhere below the earth and the two of them were determined to find it. Earl led the rest of Motorola on a boat-finding mission while Yau-Man stayed behind pretending to do whatever it is Yau-Men do when no-one’s looking.
As soon as the Motorolans were out of sight, Yau-Man grabbed a conveniently located pickaxe. If you’re wondering why the tribe have a pickaxe, the contractors left it there while they were digging Motorola’s heated pool with waterfall water feature.
Success! Yau-Man soon struck gold! He emerged from his hole with an idolicious turtle-on-a-string. He made out with it a little before refilling the hole. By the time the rest of the tribe returned, Yau-Man had covered up all evidence he’d been digging. He asked Earl to go “untangle the net” with him and barely managed to suppress adding a massive wink-wink-nudge-nudge to the end of it. When they were alone, he revealed the good news – they were in possession of one very special turtle.
With the turtley idol found, it was time for another drubbing of Ravioli, otherwise known as the Reward Challenge. This week’s RC featured flamethrowers. Not the fun kind but the back-to-basics Fijian kind, which is basically a stick you use to throw a flaming ball.
Rocky was useless as usual while the Mook made fun of Yau-Man’s throwing seconds before Yau-Man hit the target perfectly with his flaming ball. Despite Yau-Man’s Mook-defying throw, Motorola could simply not hit any more targets and, er, Ravioli won.
Yes, that’s right. Ravioli won a challenge and the world didn’t end. Not yet, at least.
Isn’t it scheduled for some time today? If it does happen, you know who to blame.
Ravioli’s reward was a trip to a very traditional Fijian space – an arcade. I can’t wait until the contestants get to visit a sacred Fijian putt-putt course. Waiting for them was a hot-dog, beer and brownie calorie-fest. Lisi described the pigging out that followed as being “like a feeding frenzy”. Aint no “like” about it, it’s an actual feeding frenzy.
Naturally, after the gorging came the obligatory “Gah, I feel so sick” scenes. The Raviolis moaned and clutched their stomachs in agony, all except for Rocky who spent his time bellyaching about their belly aches.
Earl was the unlucky man sent to Exile Island which he renamed Earl Island. He put on his best real estate agent impression and talked about Earl Island’s stunning views and good eats. Don’t forget the abundant wildlife (just don’t mention it’s of the slithery, poisonous kind).
Having experienced their first taste of defeat, the Motorolans realised they had to step up their game or lose more than just a chance to go bowling. Boo said that this was especially important for Yau-Man who was next on the chopping block. Silly Boo. Even if Yau-Man didn’t have an immunity turtle, it’s painfully obvious that Earl owns the tribe and will protect Yau-Man.
Yau-Man was not too worried. Instead of stressing, he came up with a new cunning plan. He decided to leave a fake immunity idol as a decoy hidden in the hole he’d dug.
Brilliant! Well, I mean for entertainment purposes, not strategic purposes. Considering he used a coconut shell with a face painted on as his decoy, it’s not exactly likely anyone will fall for it. This show may use nursery school kids to write its treemail but surely even the dimwit contestants would doubt the authenticity of an immunity idol that looks like a slow five-year-old made it. Yau-Man needed to add a few more bones and a lot more plastic-y garishness to make it seem genuine.
Then again, no-one ever got rich overestimating the intelligence of Survivor contestants. You go, little coconut idol.
The Immunity Challenge was my absolute favourite kind – a blindfold challenge. One member of each team had to act as caller and direct the other members in smashing skull piñatas, full of puzzle piece goodness. Immediately, Michelle proved to be an excellent caller. Lisi, not so much. Alex had to take over her duties; that’s how bad she was.
Michelle, on the other hand, continued to kick ass, even when she had to deal with people who don’t know their left from their right *coughBoocough*. She was so enthusiastic that she fell off her platform at one point. It’s a close second to Lisi falling flat on her face as the best pratfall of the season. Eventually, Boo offered to take over calling duties from her, only to announce that he couldn’t see anything as soon as he climbed on the platform. I don’t think Boo thought this through very well.
Motorola won and the world was back on its axis. The Motorolans skipped home with their very favourite skull-on-a-stick and the Raviolis once again contemplated how bad they were. Edgardo theorised that Rocky’s sour attitude was a big part of the reason Ravioli kept losing.
Since Alex valued loyalty over (alleged) strength, he decided to keep Lisi over Rocky, especially since Lisi was happy to share the clues to the hidden immunity idol with him. Not that she had much of a choice. Can you imagine Lisi trying to work out the clues? She’d be at it until the next season of Survivor.
Rocky looked to be in big trouble. Tee-hee. That is until Dreamz piped up and expressed his desire to vote for Lisi over Rocky. As big a jackass as Rocky is, seeing Lisi voted out instead would have been sweet, cappuccino-flavoured karma for the way she treated him at Old Motorola.
The ghost of Anthony must have visited Dreamz in his sleep because, except for the Mook and Rocky himself, everyone on the tribe wrote down low-rent Stallone’s name.
Allow me to express my pleasure in a subtle and understated way:
Rocky was mega-pissed and even let off a primal scream of rage in his final words. Allow me to take a page from Rocky’s own book and say quit yapping about it like a big girl. Suck it up, Mary.
Fear not, fans of Rocky’s particular brand of pig-headed stupidity. He’s the first member of the jury so we can look forward to more easily-mocked nonsense in the future.
Next week: Without Rocky’s reassuringly manly presence, the men of Survivor turn to drag shows and sodomy. There’s dancing in grass skirts!