As is Survivor: Fiji tradition, the episode kicked off with the losers at Ravioli lamenting their sad and pathetic fate. Michelle interviewed how skinny they were looking due to lack of food (not that she was Beth Ditto before, mind you) while Yau-Man wished he had something other than a machete to dig up the immunity idol.
Cheer up, guys! You have flies! And palm fronds! That’s luxury right there.
Armed with his not-very-spadelike machete, Yau-Man teamed up with Earl to try and find the immunity idol. Earl would lead the tribe away while Yau-Man would conveniently stay behind and figure out a way to explain away all the holes at the entrance of the cave when the tribe returned
Operation Decoy went into action and Earl led the Raviolis away to hunt for crabs. Wonder what excuse Yau-Man gave for staying behind? Bad crab allergy? At any rate, his search did not appear to be successful due to the difficulty of digging with a machete. He should borrow a spare bulldozer from Motorola.
The first challenge’s treemail featured lots of pictures and very few words, just the way Survivor contestants like it. Each tribe had to choose two rewards from a list and the winning tribe would get both tribes’ rewards. The Raviolis drooled over chocolate cake and other sugary delicacies but Earl was there to make them see sense. They wisely chose fishing gear and energy-filled potatoes.
Since the Motorolans have almost everything they could possibly desire, they went for the far more extraneous rewards of toiletries and coffee. I look forward to the day when the Motorolans are so fat, they have to be rolled to the challenges.
The Reward Challenge was Fiji Fight Club. The first rule of Fiji Fight Club is: don’t talk about Fiji Fight Club. The second rule is: don’t get any mud on Jeff’s hair or he’ll disqualify you.
Rocky, a master in the art of watching boxing movies, trash-talked Motorola to psyche himself up. Motorola’s reaction was a collective “Ha-ha!” Nelson Muntz-style. Rocky zeroed in on Dreamz especially, and vowed to beat him.
He didn’t have long to wait. The first bout was between Rocky and Dreamz. Rocky twisted and turned. He weaved in and out. He floated like a butterfly and stung like a bee. Well, a bee with no venom. Dreamz was able to easily push him out of the ring and into the mud.
Rocky got beaten by a cheerleader! Fantastic! Maybe if he’d gone off into the woods for a training montage to an inspirational eighties power ballad, he might have done better.
Sorry, Rocky. You got beaten by a guy called Dreamz.The rest of Ravioli’s bouts did not go much better. When your best fighter is Yau-Man, you know you have a problem. Yes, the shrimpy fifty-something who weighs forty Ks soaking wet was the only one who won a round for Ravioli.
In Ravioli’s defense, this was more of a weight challenge than anything else. Since Motorola is the one tribe which might have to go straight to the Biggest Loser when it leaves Survivor, it stands to reason it would have the advantage.
The Motorolans returned to their five-star abode, threw their latest set of fishing gear onto a pile with the rest, and made themselves some coffee. Oh dear, decaf Dreamz is chipper enough. How much worse will he be hopped up on caffeine?
Dreamz set to work trying to make the coffee but was confounded. The poor guy’s only exposure to coffee has probably been licking the used filters he found in dumpsters. Lisi and Stacy, whose usual reaction to Dreamz is to pointedly ignore him, snottily told him exactly how to make the coffee. Could you inject a little more condescension into that explanation yet, girls? I don’t think you’ve quite established yourself as raging hellbitches yet.
Alex, who appears to one of the very few brainy and/or decent member of Motorola, expressed his irritation at Lisi and Stacy for their general rudeness toward Dreamz and Cassandra. He argued that just because they weren’t in the Boo/Lisi/Alex/Stacy/Edgardo alliance didn’t mean there was a reason to treat them like dirt. He invoked the name of karma. Honestly, Karma seems to be too busy screwing around with Ravioli to notice what Lisi and Stacy are doing. Maybe someone could call it up on the Karma-phone?
Karma Police / Arrest these girls / Their pissy attitudes / Are making me feel illEdgardo shared Alex’s sentiments. They tried talking to Lisi, Stacy and Boo to make them understand that alienating Dreamz and Cassandra might not be the best strategic move.
I don’t think Alex explained slowly enough nor used small-enough words because the three stooges of Moto looked stumped when he explained that Dreamz and Cassandra could potentially jump ship and join up with Ravioli after the merge, robbing the BLASÉ alliance of their numerical advantage. Maths is hard! Not like making coffee.
A fair amount of frustration later, Alex had convinced the BLASÉ alliance to welcome Dreamz and Cassandra with open arms. Dreamz proved to be less naïve than he first appeared and saw right through the sudden lovefest. He decided he would pretend to go along with Motorola but jump ship at the first sign of the merge.
Yes, folks, Dreamz actually has a strategy. Mr “I don’t want us to become snakes” has turned into Mr “Bring me my snakeskin boots at once” all in the space of two episodes. How quickly they grow up.
No episode is complete without a pointless Rocky bitchfest. This week’s bitchfest focused on Rita and Michelle, and their so-called ditzy conversations. Rocky could not bear the thought of listening to them talk about lip-gloss and other Cosmopolitan-approved topics of discussion.
“All these conversations they have are absolutely stupid,” he whined. Yes, I’m sure they get in the way of Rocky’s own scintillating musings on quantum theory and world politics.
Before Rocky could impress us with his views on stem cell research, it was time for the Immunity Challenge. It was basically a memory game, which is not exactly the most fun thing to watch. The most interesting part was when Lisi was so eager to play it that she tripped over her own feet and fell head-first into the ground, got up again, and after all that still managed to get the wrong answer. Ravioli stayed toe-to-toe with Motorola until the end when Rocky lost it for them. Good ol’ reliable Ravioli was going back to Tribal Council.
When everyone speaks at once, it sounds like "lipglosslipglosslipgloss" to Rocky's addled brain.Back at camp, Rocky briefly took responsibility for the latest loss before shifting the blame onto his teammates for talking all at once and confusing his poor pea-brain. That’s an even lamer excuse than “I didn’t have saliva to swallow”.
You’d think that Rocky’s crap challenge performance , as well as his general Rocky-ness, might put him in the hot seat. Sad, you would be mistaken. Once again, Anthony was targeted, at least until Rocky brought up Rita as a possible choice because of her “running her mouth all day”. Big talk considering three-quarters of any given episode seems to consist of Rocky’s mush-mouthed ramblings.
At Tribal Council, we got to hear Yau-Man’s credo: “Love many, trust few, do harm to none”. Luckily, Jeff didn’t ask the rest of the tribe what their personal credos so we missed out on Rita’s philosophies on the application of mascara and a three-hour screed from Rocky criticising everyone else’s credos.
Someone forgot to inform Michelle that the target had changed because she was the only one, along with Rita, to vote for Anthony. The rest of the tribe voted for alleged motor-mouth Rita. Noooo! Who will pen the Elle Fiji beauty tips column now? Rocky doesn’t know nearly enough about eye-shadow to take over.
Cheers, Rita. We hardly knew ye but for your blur.Next week: Jeff takes pity on
Ulong Ravioli and introduces a tribal shuffle. But which brand new tribe will go to Fiji Hills 90210?