If anyone was hoping Ravioli would be able to stage a stunning comeback, they were sure to be disappointed. The episode kicked off with the tribe trying to work out exactly why they sucked so bad. Was it because they were “not quite connecting”? Or was it because Motorola had a fully equipped gym and kitchen over at the Fiji Hilton?
Rocky, someone who is used to beating the odds and punching above his weight class, declared the tribe to be the biggest bunch of losers Survivor’s ever seen. How quickly people forget Ulong. Unless one of the girls is actually Stephenie in disguise, I can’t see them possibly beating Ulong’s record as “losingest tribe in the history of Survivor”.
Motorola meanwhile were showing off yet another one of their luxuries – they were painting their shelter a cheery yellow. Since when is this Extreme Makeover: Island Edition? They explained it was to keep away the ants. As if they have ants. You know Mark Burnett airlifted the entire ant population of Motorola’s beach over to Ravioli’s side.
Boo, not bleeding from any open wounds as far as I could see, gloated that it was not even survival for them – it was merely “thrival”. Don’t be too hard on Boo’s language skills; he’s obviously suffered a lot of knocks to the head.
Earl and Anthony are going to be so pissed when they find out Motorola's got a PS3 to play Guitar Hero whenever they wantSomeone who may also have suffered a knock to the head was Ravioli’s Michelle, who was verbally dictating letters to the sun. Hunger does terrible things to the mind. As she blabbed on about her hopes and dreams (which amounted to “I hope I don’t die”) to the big golden disc, she tried to make fire using her glasses.
Michelle's just lucky the sun was in a good mood99 percent of the time, this never seems to work on Survivor. This time it did and she soon had a flame going. Sweet-talking the sun does work! Who knew? Her fellow tribemates were delighted with her. Knowing how they treat people with whom they’re delighted, I’d bet on Michelle joining Erica very soon.
Their luck having seemingly changed, it looked good for Ravioli going into the Reward Challenge. It was like something out of a children’s party – a giant slip-and-slide with a ball-and-hoop jig at the end of it like something out of the Magic Company.
When you're oilier than Turkish wrestlers who have been rolled around in a vat of tuna, you may have gone overboard on the sun lotionRavioli started off well thanks to a pixelated performance from Rita. Then their innate loserdom caught up to them and Motorola won most of the other rounds. Especially bad was Sylvia who seemed afraid to lose her balance, never mind her top. Be shameless, Sylvia! You can’t possibly win challenges without a blur here and there.
The only surprise of the challenge was that Boo managed not to slide headfirst into a tree. Otherwise, Motorola claimed another victory and Sylvia another trip to Exile Island. This time however she would not be immune from Tribal Council.
You'd better run, Sylvia, because your team is going to tear you apart after that performanceAs the certainty of how doomed she was dawned on Sylvia, she somehow managed to resist bashing her head against the nearest palm tree. She had only one slight hope – the Hidden Immunity Idol which, according to the latest clue, appeared to be buried in the entranceway of the Ravioli cave. One small problem – she had to somehow dig a hole in the middle of camp without anyone noticing. Yep, Sylvia was very, very screwed.
Everything was not all sunshine and roses at Motorola for once. Gary, aka Papa Smurf, was smurfing some pain in his smurf…I mean experiencing some pain in his chest. Oh no! Boo must have given him TB!
Alex, who’s not a real doctor but does play one on TV, diagnosed Gary with a possible broken rib. Motorola was forced to call the Survivor medical team. They couldn’t really do much and told him to take two analgesics and call them in the morning. Was that really all the medical team could do? Isn’t there multi-million dollar X-ray machine stored somewhere in Motorola estate?
Some treemail arrived and spoke of the need for willpower over brawn and how it was “time to get it on”. Ooh, that sounds dirty. I hope the editors didn’t use up all their pixels on Rita’s boobs. Motorola were concerned about Gary and wondered if he would be able to perform. Poor Gary. Maybe he should call up the Men’s Health Clinic.
The challenge turned out to be an eating challenge. Ravioli rejoiced because all they’ve had to eat is rock-moisture and hair. Motorola, who have been gorging themselves on caviar and lobster, looked a little less pleased.
Jeff assured us that all of the disgusting foods they would be eating were part of Fijian culture. In other words, a drunken Fijian guy once ate them on a bet. First up were giant clams. Ravioli won the round when Liliana didn’t manage to swallow everything quickly enough and was left with a giant gloop of claim hanging from her tooth. This is why you should floss your teeth after every meal.
Liliana practises for the Gene Simmons lookalike contestNext up were some tentacles. “Those are some big tentacles,” marvelled Jeff. I bet you say that to all the boys, Jeffie. Other delicacies included sea cucumbers, fish eyes and
penis peanut worms. “Who can swallow the fastest?” Jeff wondered. I’ve heard of food porn but this is ridiculous.
Table manners are for sissiesThe final match was between Anthony and Gary and featured a delicious plate of pig snouts. Anthony looked uncomfortable. Gary looked chub. Call me stereotyped but in an eating challenge, I’ll bet on the dude who looks like he ate all the other smurfs winning it.
Anthony struggled not to throw up while Gary popped snouts like they were Pringles. Ravioli lost again. When they arrived back at camp, Sylvia apologised for her terrible performance at the RC. Yes, remind them of your suckiness just in case it’s slipped their mind in light of their most recent loss. Good move.
Aware that the writing was on the wall, Sylvia tried one last-ditch effort to get the idol by casually digging at the mouth of the cave. In front of the entire tribe. She interviewed that her only chance was if she was able to surprise everyone with the idol. I’m not sure looking for it with people standing literally a metre away is going to help much with the ‘surprise’ part.
Rocky and Cookie’s wrath was turned towards poor Anthony. They complained about how he’d been unable to swallow the pig snouts and how lame his excuse was that he didn’t have saliva to swallow. Earl used the same excuse, I should point out, but you don’t see these two idiots crucifying him.
The amount of vitriol Rocky and Dookie have for Anthony’s challenge performance is completely over-the-top and smacks of a couple of clueless jocks picking on the geeky kid. I look forward to their comeuppance (please, Burnett. Don’t disappoint me.)
Tribal Council. Jeff asked for a one-word description of Ravioli’s mood. Yau-Man’s one word was “not very happy”. I bet he’s great at Blackjack. Nookie launched a tirade against Anthony and how his inability to swallow pig snouts fast enough meant he was a terrible person. What if he’s Jewish?
Four members of the tribe voted for Sylvia including a snide Michelle who “just wanted to see whether [Sylvia] had the immunity idol.” Only she said it in the bitchiest way possible. I kind of love her. She’s like an evil bunny. Three people voted for Anthony, including Sylvia herself. Rita voted for Earl for reasons unknown. Earl seems to be the go-to guy for random throwaway votes.
Sylvia took it well. Should have built them a beach house, girl
Next week: Gary has smurfed his ribs up something fierce, we get our first glimpse of Liliana’s personality (ho), and Rocky bullies Anthony some more.