Survivor: Class Wars kicked off this week with the miserable lot at Ravioli dying of thirst. Without fire to boil water, they were reduced to sucking droplets of moisture off of leaves. Now that’s what I like to see. Survivors so desperate that they’re tonguing the greenery.
“We’re dehydrated and that’s making us delirious,” Earl told us. I’ll say. You’re French kissing leaves. How long until you’re making out with rocks thinking they’re muffins?
Over at Motorola, the picture could not be more different. They had their very own shower where they could waste precious water with impunity. The dehydrated Raviolis would be driven mad at the sight of it.
Not only do those privileged buggers have a shower, they have silverware and plates as well. Horrifying. One of the things I never expected to hear on Survivor was “Guys, let’s use the good china tonight.” What has this show become?
On the other hand, Motorola is unfortunate enough to have Lisi, who thinks it’s high-larious to talk in a squeaky cartoon voice and has the most annoying laugh ever. Maybe living on Ravioli isn’t that bad in comparison.
Nope, I lied. Ravioli’s still worse. In a fruitless quest for fire, the Raviolis tried the old rubbing sticks method. But rubbing sticks is hard at the best times, never mind when your brain is jelly from thirst. Praise the island gods for Yau Man then, who came up with the bright ideas of filling canteens with coconut water. If you think Ravioli are in dire straits now, just imagine how much worse off they’d be without the human Swiss Army Knife that is Yau Man.
In typical evil Mark Burnett fashion, he appears to have left Ravioli with a machete about as sharp as Rocky’s mind – that is to say not at all. Speaking of Rocky, he was so hungry that he was eating clams off the ground. This is what happens when people don’t have silverware and good china.
Just in case you mistakenly think Rocky takes the role as biggest Meathead this season, Boo is here to prove you wrong. Boo is trying to equal Jackie Chan’s injury sheet, except Jackie gets injured in cool ways that involve flying kicks and gravity-defying leaps. Boo gets hurt just by engaging in everyday activities.
First, he got something in his eye. A fly or a bee or a vulture flew into his eye and left a dent. Then he was chopping some wood with all the safety precautions of a worker in Chernobyl circa 1986. He sustained a nasty cut on his hand. Not even lying down and doing nothing is safe for Boo. While relaxing in his hammock, one of knots holding it up came loose. Splat went Boo. At this rate, he’ll have chopped his arm off by the fourth episode.
Boo by episode 7Sylvia, alive despite having shared an island with a thousand sea snakes, arrived at her new home. The Raviolis pretended to be thrilled to see her. Yau Man gave her a hug for the sole purpose of peeking into her bag to see if she had the immunity idol. Heh heh, I love him.
Super smoove secret agent manSylvia should have used her architect skills to build her tribemates a mansion, or at least a working borehole. Instead she grilled them about what they’d done to find food and water, pissing them off in the process. The Raviolis had one word for her, starting with ‘B’ and ending with ‘ossy’. In the immortal words of Lindsay Lohan:
I’m just a little bossy I like it how I like it when I like it And that’s how it is I’m just a little bossy you got a problem with it? If I want it I get it nowIn Sylvia’s defense, she was aware of the tribe’s negative reaction. Not that it stopped her from pissing them off anyway. This will not end well.
The designated irritating gnat on Motorola, Dreamz of the many zeds, took a break from making pom-poms out of palm fronds to tell us about his days of homelessness. Now before you break out your tiny, tiny violins, this wasn’t sorta-homelessness that involves living in your car or sleeping on friends’ sofas. This was proper homelessness where he was forced to dig through dumpsters for food. Even worse, it started when he was seven.
Whoa. Major props to him for not only getting out of that rut but also somehow turning into the hyperactive Pollyanna we all know and lo…well, we all know at least. Dreamz went on to say that compared to the circumstances he’d been in, Survivor was a piece of coconut cake. Well yeah, real homeless people don’t have toilets, silverware and mangoes whenever they want. No wonder Dreamz is so upbeat about being there.
Hell, even the sad bastards at Ravioli have a better lot than the homeless. They have an all-you-can-eat coconut buffet. For some reason, all coconuts all the time isn’t the most satisfying prospect so a couple of the castaways scouted the island for any other food. They searched far and wide but could find nothing but some unripe fruit.
Back at camp, Erica stumbled upon some pineapples just outside of their camp. Her tribemates hailed her as a goddess among men. Earl thought it was a miracle and expressed his desire to marry her. Wow, with all this love for her, surely Erica was set for an episode or two?
You’d think so, wouldn’t you. The Erica lovefest lasted until the Immunity/Reward Challenge. Ravioli managed to take the lead early on thanks to some lean, mean rope-clipping machine skills from Michelle, but lost the plot completely when they got to the puzzle portion of the challenge. Erica was loud and pushy about what she thought was the right way of doing things. It wasn’t. Ravioli lost and guess who got the blame?
Gratuitous bum shots
Jeff's reaction
Motorola got to choose someone to go chill with the sea snakes. They picked Earl. Every time I type his name, I have to curb a desire to add a “My name is” before it. Earl was unfazed by the thought of all those snakes. “I’ll eat ‘em,” he baddassed.
He may or may not have kept his promise. A friendly snake surprised him and Earl’s response was to machete the hell out of it. He then apologised to its bloody, mutilated corpse and said that he thought snakes were just misunderstood. Yeah, great comfort to poor Snakey’s slithery orphans, Earl.
On learning that the Hidden Immunity Idol was somewhere back at camp, Earl was worried. What if someone found it? Knowing that the fools took four days to find a whole grove of pineapples that were just under their noses, I have a feeling the idol is safe.
Earl’s love and potential fiancée was in trouble back at camp. The tribe consensus was to vote for Sylvia but Rocky and Cookie decided they wanted Erica out instead. Just one episode back, you were in an alliance with her, Rocky! Oh what a tangled web we weave.
Rocky and Bookie detailed their plans to their tribemates not named Erica. Most people were game except for Michelle, who wanted to vote for Sylvia anyway just for being annoying, and Anthony, who thought it was a bad decision.
Anthony argued the case for Erica staying and Sylvia going. She was a bad influence on the tribe. She was tearing them apart. Sylvia is the Yoko Ono to Ravioli’s Beatles. Well, if the Beatles had sucked.
The game was on. A tie was a very real possibility. It was not to be however. Anthony’s words fell on deaf ears and everyone voted for Erica except for Anthony and Erica herself. And right after she found them pineapples as well! Bitches. I hope they choke on their damn blood pineapples.
Next week: Ravioli either make fire or are delirious enough from thirst to hallucinate that they do. A Motorola member is in big trouble, injury-wise. Oh dear, Boo stabbed himself in the lung with one of the forks, didn’t he?