The long-awaited fourteenth season of Survivor kicked off with Jeff Probst giving us the usual spiel from a helicopter. If you’ve seen any of the promos, you’ll know what’s what. Basically, blah blah castaways blah blah backstabbing blah blah who will win a million dollars and claim the title of blah blah.
What’s new about this season? There are sea snakes, two hidden Imunity Idols instead of one, and nineteen wannabe millionaires. There would have been twenty but some wuss chickened out and quit just before the show began. My insider sources tell me it was someone named Indiana who pulled out because, in his own words, “Snakes. I hate snakes.”
Our nineteen castaways had to row to their new island home. A quick glance revealed that Mark Burnett must have learned something from Survivor: Race Wars because this cast is almost as diverse as last season’s. There seem to be fewer interchangeable generically good-looking people too.
On landing, the castaways found themselves at a loss. Jeff was nowhere to be seen and they hadn’t even been divided into tribes yet. I was rather hoping the big twist was that Jeff was never going to show up at all and they really were going to have to survive for once, Lord of the Flies-style.
If I were to place money on any of them surviving that scenario, it would definitely be the short, skinny, old guy. Yau Man. He immediately got his Robinson Crusoe on and started opening coconuts like they were coke cans. He explained to the other castaways he had been born and grown up in the wilds of Borneo. Wonderful! I look forward to many entertaining scenes of him showing up the city kids and strong Alpha types.
OMG, stop looking at the camera! You're breaking the fourth wall.The castaways introduced themselves to one another. Since there were about seventy of them standing around, most of whom didn’t get any lines, I’m not going to name them all. I will however tell you there are people named Dreamz, Boo and Mookie. I suppose it’s better than the thirteen Jens and nine Robs we have to tell apart each season.
There’s also a guy named Rocky, nicknamed because of an unfortunate resemblance to Sylvester Stallone. When he talks, he also sounds like he took one too many punches to the head so Rocky’s doubly appropriate.
The castaways wandered around for a while before Jeff flew over in a helicopter and dropped a box on the beach. Jeff’s too big a diva to interact with the little people nowadays. I hear he demands in his contract clause that his khaki shorts are woven by Guatemalan virgins.
A group of assorted Meatheads descended upon the box and tried to open it by dropping it and bonking it. This was about as effective as you’d expect it to be. Yau Man took a shot at the box and used his knowledge of boxy weak spots to easily open it. He’s like a Shaolin Monk of boxes.
2008: A Meathead OdysseyInside there was a note. It did not say “Ha ha, you’re on your own, losers” much to my disappointment. Instead it gave detailed instructions on how to get to their campsite and build a luxury camp. How much of a luxury was it? It included a toilet.
Gah, I want to see these people roughing it, not living it up with their flush toilets! What is this, the Fiji Hilton? Today it’s working toilets but what will come tomorrow? Coconut dispensers? Silk hammocks?
Architect Sylvia took charge of the building duties and supervised what the contestants were doing. Nooo, bad move, Sylvia. If you’re a silver-haired, flag-waving Manly Man like Tom or Terry, you can get away with that sort of thing. Otherwise, everyone’s going to think you’re a bossy bitch and want to vote you off first. Yes, even if building houses is your freakin’ expertise.
Chubby old guy Gary was the first to express his displeasure. “Sylvia’s trying to dominate,” he complained. Honestly, I will never stop rolling me eyes at how castaways line up to fellate the Terry-types but always rail at the slightest hint of female authority.
Sylvia has further alienated herself from the assorted Meatheads because she used big words. Like “askew”. Lordy, you need a thesaurus just to talk to her. Rocky was especially flummoxed but then, I suspect he’s the type of guy who gets confused by swinging doors.
At one point, Sylvia tried to get the castaways to get on with construction but they felt it more productive to rest their aching feet and eat mangoes. That night it rained and they all got soaked. Yeah, I’m going to side with Miss Askew on this one.
Another person who rubbed people the wrong way was former homeless dude and current cheerleading coach, Dreamz. Oy. Dreamzzzz is all about positivity and motivation, by which I mean he is loud and won’t shut up.
For some unfathomable reason, he thinks being a constant attention whore is going to endear him to his fellow contestants. This backfired on the first night when his blathering caused Rocky to go into a rage and start screaming at him. I wouldn’t piss off a guy called Rocky especially if I’m a cheerleader called Dreamz who’s not exactly Apollo Creed. With those violent tendencies, I wonder if Rocky shouldn’t call himself Rambo instead.
Incidentally, Rocky’s other nickname is Boston. I do believe you will be getting a letter from Rob Mariano’s lawyer for violating copyright of the “Boston” name, Mr Rocky.
Eventually, the castaways finished their mansion. But this is Survivor! Surely, Jeff had some cruel twist up his sleeve. And he did. He finally showed up to divide them into tribes and gave them the happy news – one of the tribes would move out of their spanking new shelter and have to survive on some other beach with only a pot and a machete. I knew I could rely on your casual sadism, Jeff.
As official Bossy Boots, Sylvia got to choose the tribes, one orange and one green. The greens were named Motorola and the oranges were named Ravioli. Sylvia was then sent to Exile Island for a nice relaxing break with the sea snakes. At least she would have company.
The remaining castaways had to compete in the first Reward/Immunity Challenge. The winners would get to live in Luxury Camp and get even more cool stuff, including a couch. Why not just give them key cards to the nearest five-star hotel? At least they still don’t get toilet paper. The losers would get the pot and the machete, along with a fully paid-for trip to Tribal Council.
You can't tell me this challenge wouldn't have been better with a bit of flogging. Or at least a carrot on a stick.The challenge was a chariot-race-cum-puzzle, whips optional. To me, Ravioli looked to be a better tribe, but as soon as the challenge started, I was proven wrong. Each team had to push two of their members on a chariot while picking up puzzle pieces and Ravioli got off to a bad start when one of their charioteers, Jessica, couldn’t get the knot untied. Ravioli did manage to catch up but Jessica once again bit it for her team when she couldn’t get her part of the puzzle solved. Ruh-roh, that’s not a great start.
This is the set-up for a Shield ad if there ever was oneMotorola skipped back to camp and celebrated their new swag. They even got a beermug. Why? They didn’t get any beer surely? Or is there a portable brewery sitting behind that couch?
Motorola's shelterOn Exile Island, Sylvia learned Jeff wasn’t exaggerating about the snakes. They were everywhere. You’d think sea snakes would stick to the sea. She took comfort in the fact that she’s be able to look for the Hidden Immunity Idol, that is until she read the clue that said it was back at camp. Ooh, the beermug is the Hidden Immunity Idol! I just know it.
Ravioli surveyed their new beach. There was no luxury shelter. There was no toilet. There were no hammocks. There was no couch. There wasn’t even a mug of any kind, never mind one made specifically for beer.
Ravioli's ShelterThe tribe managed to hide their disappointment except for Erica, who wondered why no-one was going emo over having to give up that damn toilet. They are, Erica, but their tears are on the inside. Ravioli is the repressed, emotionally-unstable tribe, Just ask Rocky.
Erica, Jessica and Rocky had formed their own alliance and were sure they would be able to rule the world. Never mind that 3 < 6. Their new alliance got off to a blistering start when the rest of the tribe wanted to vote out Jessica and they couldn’t do a thing about it. The world is clearly not your oyster, guys. It’s not even your coconut.
Erica and Rocky promised they would not vote for Jessica. They also didn’t bother to tell her everyone else would. Jessica was sure she was safe. “I feel good it’s not me,” she optimistically interviewed. You could almost see the bullseye on her forehead as she said that. Cheers, Jess. No-one can stay on Survivor after a statement like that.
On second thought, there's another part of her body that's screaming out for a target
The very first Tribal Council. Jeff queried them on how it was to move from Club Med to Club Dead. “We love it, Jeff! We have a pot!” they lied. Voting time. Jessica voted for Rita, Rocky voted for Mookie and Erica voted for Yau Man. I know it was a throwaway vote but I can’t believe Erica voted for Yau Man. He’s the coconut whisperer for god’s sake.
Everyone else voted for Jessica. Should’ve worked on your untying skills, babe. She left with a few words about how getting betrayed in the beginning by people you don’t know was better than getting betrayed later on by people you barely know.
Next week: Obscene licking! Human-on-snake violence! Boo’s hammock falling down! Only on Fiji’s Funniest Home Videos.