Phooey.
How very disappointing. I had no illusions Jonathan was ever going to make it too much further far considering he’s barely below Hitler on Aitutonga’s list of favourite people. I was hoping he’d at least outlast the self-righteous ninnies of Raro.
Alas, it was not to be. I had to endure Adam and Poverty’s smug, shit-eating grins as Jonathan was voted out, unloved and hatless.
Jonathan was called a rat and a cancer (or possibly a cancerous rat which is what you get when cigarette manufacturers test new products in their labs) at last week’s Tribal Council. The beginning of the episode saw him complaining about this and pointing out what crap it was of everyone else to pretend they’ve never lied and cheated.
True dat. Sometimes I do wonder whether Survivor really does cast such a huge majority of delusional idiots or if it’s some sort of chemical in the coconuts that causes them to lose all sense of self-awareness and logic.
Poverty was still on her Jonathan-hating kick, demonstrated by her chopping a coconut as if it were someone’s (guess whose) head. Great, we’ve finally found a way to make Poverty work. Tell her to picture the food as Jonathan. “Hey Poverty, could you gut this Jonathan for us? And after that, go gather up some Jonathans so we can peel them for lunch.”
So focused was she on chopping her Jona-nut that she chopped through her finger. Owie! Figures that the first time this woman handles the machete, she doesn’t realise that the pointy end is sharp.
"Teehee, I just love playing Doctor Doctor."Everyone gathered around her concerned and medics were called in. As dramatic Survivor injuries, it’s not exactly falling into a fire, is it? Doesn’t mean I didn’t close my eyes throughout the entire gory scene especially when they showed her sliced and diced finger.
Unfortunately, I forgot to block my ears so I got to hear not only how her finger was sliced in detail but also the Survivor medic’s attempts at comedy. “At least you won’t have to trim your fingernails for a while,” he joked as he patched up the ruined digit. Oh har de har, these Australians are droll, aren’t they? At that point, I’d have requested the morphine.
"My god, this is serious! I'm afraid we're going to have to amputate."
"Ha ha, I'm just messin' with ya. Shoulda seen your face."Poverty managed to survive the impromptu near-fingerectomy with all digits mostly intact. She was back to good spirits by the time the Reward Challenge came up. “Thumbs up,” she told Jeff when he asked her about her finger. Lord, it’s contagious. Bloody Aussies.
The reward was a good one. The winner and guests would be taken to a sacred cave where they would enjoy a picnic
and be sacrificed to the Volcano God. The doozy was that they would get to go with their loved ones as well as their smelly tribemates.
Everyone’s families came out and I noted that Jonathan was the only one with significant other. No wonder this lot are always rubbing against each other. Maybe that’s why they so hate Jonathan; he won’t participate in a threesome.
The loved ones would compete in the challenge alongside them. The survivors would be blindfolded and have to toss water at their loved ones’ buckets. I’m usually all for these blindfold challenges because of the opportunity for plenty of comic pratfalls and knocks to the head but, as soon as it started, was disappointed to see that this one was tame.
But never fear. There may not have been violence (they reached that quota with Poverty’s finger anyway) but there was sex. Sort of. With all that water being flung about, the challenge soon turned into a wet T-shirt contest. Poverty was made irrelevant as Mrs Jonathan and Mother Ozzy competed to see who had the best wet T-shirt. However, it was Papa Poverty who won the wet T-shirt proving that some things really are genetic.
Poverty sent Jonathan to Exile Island to think about his sins (said sins being screwing over Poverty) and then her father had to choose two tribemates to go with them to the reward. It’s a real pity that Jonathan had already been sent away at this point because I would have loved to see Papa Poverty cluelessly pick him to come with and have Poverty spend her reward rolling her eyes and having to listen to her greatest enemy.
Eat your heart out, PovertyPapa Poverty ended up choosing Adam and Sundra and their loved ones, which is probably what Poverty herself would have done anyway. Boring. The loved ones received a guided tour of their camp (“There’s a tree. There’s another tree. Here’s where we sleep. Right by that tree.”) and Adam said how glad he was that his dad could see it for himself because he had no words to describe it. That’s because you’re a monosyllabic ape, Adam.
The visit annoyed Ozzy. “Blah blah the loved ones were annoying and let’s turn this into another complaint about how I fish for a bunch of lazy losers,” he sulked. Not that I disagree with Ozzy about what a bunch of lazy losers Adam and Poverty are but can he not even shut up about it during the freakin’ loved ones reward? Dammit, Ozzy, you’re spoiling our happy loved ones euphoria where we realise that Survivors are people just like us, albeit very stupid and smelly people.
"Where are the human sacrifices?"The rewardees and loved ones were whisked off by a host of friendly locals to their sacred cave. Somewhere among the crowd, a sexually frustrated local woman was disappointed to see her new boyfriend Yul was not among the winners.
The sacred cave was just gorgeous. Poverty, Sundra and Adam got to participate in a sacred ceremony; they were given the task of pouring oil into the water and closely watched to ensure they didn’t screw even this simple task up. Afterwards, they got to jump into the newly anointed water. Sacred pool party? Now this is one religion I can get behind. Where do I sign up?
Back at camp, an underhanded scheme was brewing. Ozzy suggested that instead of feeding lumps like Adam and Poverty and letting them grow strong enough to win the challenges, the Aitus should hide the food from them. At this point, Adam and Poverty have won one individual challenge each so I don’t think they’re the challenge threats Ozzy was making them out to be. Not that Adam doesn’t need to be voted out as soon as possible but I don’t think it’s time to resort to systematic starvation either. Not that I’m against Adam and Poverty going hungry, mind you.
Yul and Becky agreed and they set to work cleverly hiding the coconuts – by throwing them into a bush. Considering Poverty and Adam rarely leave the confines of their blanket, this isn’t exactly an ineffective hiding place.
Their plans were scuppered when the threesome returned from their reward with yummy extras from the picnic. Ozzy, Yul and Becky felt all remorseful and crap so they nixed plan starve-the-whiny-losers. Stupid guilty consciences.
The Immunity Challenge was all about balance and swimming. So tailor-made for Ozzy then? Yep. He raced across barrels and beams as easily as a character from the Jungle Book. The other contestants slowly inched across the obstacle course, falling off at every opportunity. Take a page from Monkey Man, you idiots!
PAINFUL! But where is Sundra's medic? Where is Sundra's extended injury scene? Hey, producers?
The right way to do it
And the oh-so-very-wrong wayOzzy won and I felt hope that Adam would finally be sent packing. Alas, I did not count on how much these people actually hate Jonathan. The mood dropped like a lead balloon as soon as Jonathan returned to camp. “How’s your sister?” he asked of Becky only for her to react as if he’d just made an inappropriate joke about a dying relative. Good lord, did they edit out an “because I’d like to tap that ass” at the end of that sentence or does Becky really hate him that much?
The answer is that she does hate him that much. Everyone does. Sensing that he was in the hot seat, Jonathan caught up with Becky and Sundra to talk with them. Without even looking at him, they grimly told him they were on their way to get firewood. And a good thing too because that was coooold.
Jonathan did not let the icy reception faze him and tried to convince them to keep him a little longer. This being Jonathan, he managed to argue his case in the most annoying and counterintuitive way possible. The Aitus he tried this on looked unimpressed. Way to sell it, Jonathan. And this guy’s supposed to be an actor?
Would you trust this man?When confronted with the Jonathan situation, Yul confessed he felt like the Godfather, albeit a cuddlier and nerdier version. Should he keep Adam over Jonathan, he wondered? At this point, a resounding “NO!” came from my spot in front of the TV. Get rid of the big stupid challenge threat first and then get rid of Jonathan! Yul didn’t seem to hear me. They never do for some reason.
Soon it was time for another fun-filled Tribal Council. Because Adam has somehow not managed to plumb the depths of my hatred for him, he decided to go for broke and deliver a *bleep!* speech about honour and integrity. “There are six good people who really deserve to be here and then there’s Jonathan over there,” he moralised.
Oh shut up, you troglodyte. If you were so concerned about maintaining the integrity of the game, you should have voted off Jonathan and Candice the instant they crossed over to your tribe. Oh right, but it doesn’t count if when people switch it ends up to your benefit, you hypocritical tool. So how about shoving your talk of integrity up your overly developed ass, you steroid-popping mongoloid.
How nice. S2's Tina Wesson decided to stop by for a cameo.Alas, I did not get to see Mr Integrity get the long overdue chop. Jonathan was unanimously voted out and I had to endure the horror of Adam and Poverty’s self-satisfied smirks. Jonathan asked them for his hat back. They stole his hat too? Bastards, all of them!
Next week: Poverty and Adam continue to try and save their annoying asses. Please let them fail. And let it be humiliating.