Jonathan’s switching continues to be a source of entertainment. This week, the former Raro-ites’ reactions were a hoot to watch and make fun of.
Most offended by Jonathan’s switch was Poverty who was feeling positively nauseated that she had been betrayed so. “I feel sick to my stomach,” she confessed as the invisible violins of Raro disappointment played. Oh, go pop an antacid, you twit.
Poor Poverty’s stomach must give her regular complaints because it turns out that in the twenty odd days that she’d been on the island, she hadn’t once even gone fishing. Sundra and Becky tried to introduce her to the exciting world of fish-gutting but Poverty was not warming to the idea.
POVERTY: What is that thing?
SUNDRA: That’s the oesophagus.
POVERTY: No, I mean the squirmy silver thing in your hand.
SUNDRA: Er…the fish?
POVERTY: Is that what those things are called? Creeeeepy.
Don’t be too hard on Poverty. It’s hard to make time for fishing with such a busy schedule of flirting and tanning.
The rest of Raro was no less angry at Jonathan. Basically, the gist of their conversations was that Jonathan had outwitted them and therefore sucked at life. Maybe Poverty’s stomach ache came from all those sour grapes she, Adam and Candyass Candice have been eating.
A literal representation of Candice backstabbing Aitu during the mutiny. Yeah, Jonathan's the weaselly one.Instead of a Reward Challenge, Jeff decided to give the castaways a break and hold the seasonal food auction. I demand Poverty sit this one out on account of her delicate stomach.
"You think Adam's the only pimp daddy who can get a threesome? Check me out."Jonathan pigged out on both a hotdog and a pepperoni pizza but luckily also won toothpaste for his pepperoni breath, Poverty won a bath and a slice of chocolate cake and Ozzy got as much ice cream as he could pig out on. Jeff also had a special envelope on with one of those activist ribbons on. Is he raising awareness for starving reality famewhores or something?
Dammit, Jonathan. You're only supposed to get drunk after you drink the beer.
"Oooh, shiny object..."
"Eat your heart out, Willy Wonka."
"I'm soooo sexy."
"SEEEXXXXAAAYYY!"Turns out the letter was actually one of great power. Whoever won it could send anyone to Exile Island immediately and steal all their money. Hooray! Looting! Becky was the lucky mugger and sent a hungry Candice to exile.
Also of note in the auction was when Yul revealed he had the hidden immunity idol when the smartass Raro-ites made some comments that they suspected they knew where it was. Yul told them of his brilliant plan and how he had used it to manipulate Jonathan into switching alliances. Yul? While I do think your use of the immunity idol was masterful, it might be wiser not to make like a cartoon villain and spill all your secrets. Save it for the jury, ‘kay?
The awesomest nature shot ever (a barracuda puking up a whole live octopus) transitioned us back to camp where Jonathan was bragging about how much food he’d had and how good it was. He punctuated this with an enormous burp. Yes, this will go over very well with the Mashed Potato Gang.
By now, the former Aitu members were thoroughly irritated with Jonathan and were calling for his head. They tried to convince Yul what a no-good, dirty burper he was and that his true character was finally coming out. Geez, these guys really don’t like loud burpers. You’d think Jonathan had eaten a whole nest of adorable baby boobies from the reactions.
There was a whole lot of moral indignation shown every time Jonathan’s name was mentioned. Somehow, the game would be sullied forever if Jonathan got any farther than the twits at Raro. Hear that, people? If Jonathan isn’t voted out, the terrorists win!
Poverty was a little happier over Burpgate. “So exposed…a little crack perhaps?” she wondered. No, she wasn’t talking about what happens every time she bends down but in fact about Jonathan’s position in the tribe. She told Adam that she was going to try a little persuading of her own on the other former Aitus. Somehow I don’t think waving your bum in their faces is going to work that well on Sundra and Becky.
The Immunity Challenge was a memory-based one. I was expecting easy questions like “How many people named Cao Boi were in the game?” or “How many people has Candice made out with?” Instead, the questions were things like “How many poles were used in so-and-so challenge” divided by “How many plates were used in so-and-so challenge” to the power of “How many angels can dance on the head of a pinhead like Adam?”
I about had a heart attack when the two people who did the best at this challenge were Poverty and Adam. How the HELL did those two numbnuts do so well? Are they idiot savants who are scarily good at numbers? Are they like Rain Man?
Adam won, shocking countless viewers into comas. Rigged. RIGGED! Geez, my faith in like everything has just been questioned.
Back at camp, Jonathan’s sins just continued to compound as he took a bit of coconut without asking Adam. Lynch him! String him up by his toenails! There was a stupid fight about this between the two of them. But the stupidest fight was yet to come.
Adam, Poverty and Candice were lounging around in the tent, as usual, planning their next threesome encounter. They were stunned to see from their vantage point of Lazyass Central that the other tribemates were eating fish without them. This was clearly an affront to their good names.
Menage-a-blearghLord, do they want the others to bring them food now dressed in butlers’ outfits? Or are the other contestants now expected to carry the Threesome of Bleargh to the dinner table? DRAG YOUR LAZY ASSES OUT OF THE TENT AND GO EAT, FOOLS!
Candice was particularly angry and decided to confront the fish eaters. Someone’s cranky from not getting any food at the auction, clearly. Candice waffled on to the fish eaters about lack of respect and how terribly they were being mistreated before railing on Jonathan for his many crimes, including, but not limited to, switching tribes, burping and eating fish.
The stupidest and funniest argument then ensued:
CANDICE: Everyone hates you and thinks you’re a snake, Jonathan! In a completely deserved way. Sure, they also hate me and think I’m a snake but that’s different and totally unfair.
JONATHAN: That’s bollocks and you know it! Stop saying that or I’ll unleash my British accent on you!
CANDICE: Yul totally called you selfish and predictable.
YUL: Er…I meant it as a compliment? And I said self-interested.
CANDICE: You said selfish.
YUL: Self-interested.
CANDICE: Oh what do you know? You sucked ass at the memory challenge.
JONATHAN: Hey! I am not predictable.
CANDICE: You so are. Everyone knows you like to weasel your way out of things.
JONATHAN: Now with the name-calling?
CANDICE: Hell-o, I was using ‘weasel’ as a verb.
JONATHAN: Well, stop calling me verbs, dammit!
For someone who keeps weeping about how everyone hates her skinny ass for mutinying, she sure is hard on Jonathan. At least he’s not being a whiny little victim about his pond scum status like she is.
The Raro sense of self-righteousness had not lessened by Tribal Council. Becky called Candice a fierce competitor. Take it to America’s Next Top Model, Tyra. Candyass Candice said, of Exile Island, that she was still smiling. Yes, I suppose she does smile in those five minute intervals between the endless whining and moral indignation.
Adam said he had nothing to say to Jonathan. That can only be a positive thing for Jonathan. Poverty claimed she was half Jonathan’s age and yet (don’t laugh now) twice as mature. Twice as annoying, whiny, lazy and stupid maybe.
Jonathan was confident on his part which made me sure he was going to get blindsided. I didn’t have to worry however as Candice was the one who got the boot instead. Before she left, she tongued Adam for an hour. They can’t show a boob on American TV yet they can show these stinky fools eating each other’s faces. Gross.
For your scarring pleasure. Happy nightmares, everyone!
"Score! This is the closest thing to porn I've seen in thirty days."Phew. One down, two more whiny losers to go.
Next week: Blood and pain as Poverty hurts her hand. Who knew flirting was such a dangerous sport?