Noooo! Not Cao Boi!
Dammit! Stupid Aitu just had to go and vote out the most interesting and entertaining character. I hope they all get headaches and the Immunity Idol comes to life and annoys them all to death by talking in Cao Boi’s voice.
I blame Jonathan for this travesty! No, wait, I blame Yul! No, I blame the Immunity Idol goddess who sent Cao Boi those dreams. No, that’s not right; I blame those damn boobies for pretending to be weak when they were really plotting against Cao Boi all along. Damn yoooouuuu, Boobies!
Cao Boi would probably have been safe if it hadn’t been for the double-elimination. In a normal episode, Raro would’ve lost again and everyone would have voted out Cristina without a second thought. Which they did anyway. Because Cristina is kind of annoying in case you haven’t noticed. Not as annoying as that Frankensteinian creation Adam but who is?
Cristina was not happy that she had been labeled an irritation at the last TC so she decided to argue against their point by bitching at them ad nauseum. “Why didn’t you tell me you all hated my guts?” she demanded as Adam defended himself by claiming he’d already told her he hated her guts. Cristina finally kept quiet when she realised that being the better person was the best revenge. That and using her cop connections to get Adam parking tickets wherever he goes.
At Aitu, Flicka proved her superior naval knowledge by mistaking a sail that came with the treemail for a mask. Great eyesight there, rollergirl. The clue promised food, kicking and screaming. Ooh, sounds promising.
Cao Boi wanted to bring the immunity idol with them to the challenge despite the fact that the clue said nothing about bringing it. This was because, according to him, the idol had been visited by a goddess. I had no idea the Goddess of Tacky Reality Show Props made housecalls. Some people thought this was a bad idea, not because it was insane, but because it was in poor taste. The Goddess is not pleased with your blaspheming, unbelieving Aitu-ites. She expects you to bring Her the head of your enemies so She can make them into keyrings.
The RC proved to be even more fantastic than expected. It featured not just kicking and screaming but clawing, dragging, forceful de-clothing and throttling. I think they may even have been nun-chucks at one point. The concept was simple and yet oh-so-perfect: One person held onto a pole for dear life, two contestants from the opposing team had to get them away from that pole and across the finish line using every violent and sadistic impulse they had.
He's imagining that pole is Adam.The contestants chosen for pole duty got into pole position: this position being with arms and legs wrapped around it like they were characters in some strange German pole-fetish movie. Then the bloodthirsty pitbulls on designated dragging duty were set upon them. They were brutal, positively brutal but the pole-humpers fought back bravely.
Best.
Challenge.
Ever!
Candice in particularly was a wiry little wolverine who practically needed a tow-truck to move her. Do not come in between that woman and her pole. Eventually Poverty and Rebecca managed to move her ass over the line but by then Aitu had gained a sizeable lead.
Cristina too put up a good fight, and by good fight, I mean possibly illegal. Although she got choked, she hair-pulled and tried to expose Flicka’s nether regions to the world. Flicka enthusiasts (if such a creature really exists) were disappointed not to see any naughty bits. Jenny enthusiasts on the other hand got to enjoy a blur at one point.
Also.
The.
Perviest.
Nate was quite good at staying put, showing that he had learned the fine art of pretending-to-be-a-rock well from JP. Fish whisperer Ozzy by contrast slipped and wriggled out of people’s grasp like one of his scaled brethren.
Aitu won again but both bruised and battered teams would have to go to TC. At least Aitu would get a lamb meal as a reward for their bloodthirstiness. Raro would go back with only their shame to swallow.
Don’t cry for Raro too much. While they don’t have the fishing maestro known as Ozzy, who is a deep-fryer away from being able to open a Something Fishy, they do have a number of very stupid (or very amorous if you remember last week) octopi floating around just itching to become calamari.
Cristina managed to wise up enough to grasp onto a very useful and underrated Survivor skill: ass-kissing. She went around apologizing for her bitchiness and promising that she would be a picture of sweetness and light if they only gave her another shot and let her stay.
At Aitu, Cao Boi had a dream. No, not a dream, but a vision. No, not a vision, but an American Express ad. He quickly realised that this was the Goddess telling him to use a strategy of threes to weed out the Hidden Immunity Idol. He told Yul that if three people voted for Candice and three people voted for Jonathan, it would be a tie and one of them would be forced to play the HII if either had it. And really, it’s a great move if you ignore the obvious problem that Yul’s the one who has it.
Yul thought this was a pretty brilliant plan but wondered if he should be trusting Cao Boi considering the amount of mistrust everyone else had for him. The fact that his alliance was with Jonathan, Candice and Becky would probably also be a bit of a problem. Yeah, maybe your dream should’ve warned you that Yul wasn’t the best person to trust, Cao Boi.
The dream spirits must have told Cao Boi to wear his hair like a seventeenth century nobleman would because he showed up to TC with a big, red ribbon tying back his hair. His spiritual advisor, the Immunity Idol was under his arm and Cao Boi stated that he had brought it along because he considered it a part of the tribe. Ah, but would it get a portion of the lamb shanks?
Would Yul and co really run with his plan, named (don’t laugh) Plan Voodoo? With nothing really to gain by doing so and everything to lose? Not so much. Cao Boi voted for Candice, Flicka revealed herself to be hectically out of the loop by voting for Jonathan and everyone else voted for Cao Boi himself.
Sniff. I’ll miss you, Cao Boi, you mystical nut, you. None of these other people are near as mad as you.
Aitu were then shuffled off to eat their lamb as Raro walked in. In a nauseating sequence, Adam and Candice kept giving obnoxious winks and mouthing “I love you” to each other. Has that scarlet woman Candice so quickly forgot how she crushed Billy’s heart?
Harlot! Hussy! Trollop!
Photographic proof that Candice is a manipulative ho:
Candice/Jonathan (Shipper name: Jondice)
Candice/Sundra (Shipper name: Sundrice)
Candice/Flicka (Shipper name: Clicka)
Candice/Pole (Shipper name: Police)
Doomed Cristina talked about how she was so surprised that her tribemates found her annoying because she considered them her friends. That statement alone should be more than enough proof that she never had a shot in this game. Friends, pffft.
But wait! There was one further twist. Jeff told Aitu that they could poach any of Raro’s members and that person would be immune from the vote. Here’s where I thought Cristina might wiggle her way out of danger because surely Aitu would pick up on the obvious “Let’s vote Cristina out” sentiment in the Rarorians’ statements and mess with their plans.
Instead, they chose Nate who was given his very own portion of lamb. I guess that makes more sense if the move is permanent but I really wanted to see them screw with Raro. Oh well.
Cristina managed to get Brad to vote with her against Jenny but otherwise, all of her ass-kissing was for naught and she was voted out.
Next week: Flicka gets scared that no-one cares enough about her to tell her who the hell to vote for and argues with her tribemates. Don’t fight in front of
the children Nate, Aitu!