After complaining about La Mina’s total lack of negotiating skills and strategic thinking last week, they did much better this episode. Terry actually remembered that shrunken head he had hidden in his pants might actually be useful as more then just a key ring.
Alas, his attempts to sway Danielle and Bruce were less than successful mainly because Bruce and Danielle are really clueless. Absolutely nothing changed alliance-wise and Austin was voted out.
Maybe he shouldn’t have confessed that little thing about faking being weaker than he was at last week’s TC? Turns out that he realised that too as he told us at the start of the episode.
He had been convinced he was going to be voted off instead of Nick and decided that his last act would be to show off his brilliant deception skills to the world.
Austin, ya doofus, everyone knows not to give up until your torch is actually snuffed. Heck, sometimes even after your torch is snuffed, your game isn’t over. Save the bragging about your Machiavellian manipulations for the post-game interviews like everyone else, Sparky.
Aras the Ass got his panties in a twist over Austin’s confession and ranted about how out of all of the slimes that make up La Mana, Austin is the biggest slimeball of all. Yes, it seems that in Aras’ tiny, porcupine-like head, downplaying your physical strengths makes you a slimeball.
Aras’ own gameplay of course does not make him a slimeball. His personality is vomitous enough on its own to qualify him as one.
Luckily, the slime seeping from my television as Aras spoke wasn’t too hard to remove, so after I’d returned from fetching a sponge and bucket of water to wipe the screen whenever he appeared, I found the survivors already reading some treemail which said something about “dealing with nuts”. Was there ever a more appropriate challenge for Casaya?
The castaways were divided into three teams for the Reward Challenge: the Manly Ones consisting of Terry, Austin and the crackhead; the Dark Horses consisting of Bruce, Sally and Aras; and the Total Washouts consisting of Cirie, Courtney and Danielle.
Just thought I'd scar everyone with a picture of Shane in his tight, black briefs. Happy holidays, everyone!The teams had to throw coconuts into the opposing teams’ boats and then when they had exhausted their set number of coconuts, they had a boat race. The obvious team to beat was Team Terry so the other two teams flung coconuts mercilessly into the Terry boat. Team Miyagi-Pigtails (I
refuse to call it Team Aras) gained a slight advantage this way and triumphed in the end by mere seconds.
How the hell can Terry be such a challenge demon individually yet lose so often whenever he’s in a team? Do his teammates get jealous and secretly sabotage him? Is he too busy posing for glory-hogging action shots that his teammates spend more time dragging him off than actually competing? Or do his teammates get so awed at the sight of him that he has to give them piggy-back rides because they’re too starstruck to move?
Sally, Bruce and Aras then had to choose one member from each losing team to be sent to Exile Island. They chose Austin and Danielle. Since Aras takes the glory for his team’s successes, I’m also going to assume he was responsible for this decision and call him a stupid ass.
If Austin is the next person on the chopping block, why on earth would Aras send him to Exile Island with one of the people from the psychotic alliance who’s lowest on the totem pole? Especially since, for all he knows, the hidden immunity idol might be sitting there waiting to be found.
He should have sent Shane and Courtney there since he wouldn’t have a Casayan living alone with a desperate La Manan and there would be no way Shane and Courtney would ever bond enough to form a secret final two alliance. Plus, watching the two of them drive each other stark raving mad(der) would be some great television.
Much to the delight of Team Miyagi-Pigtails, the reward was breakfast in bed. Aras was happy he’d get to stuff his face but not as happy that he’d exposed his athleticism and “wit”. What wit? Did I miss something? Was he exchanging Oscar Wilde-esque repartee with his opponents as he rowed? Did he fling barbs as often as he flung coconuts? Or does the idiot mean he’d exposed his alleged brains by telling the others to target Team Terry’s boat? Because it doesn’t take a
fighter pilot astronaut rocket scientist to figure
that out.
Sally's reaction to the thought of breakfast in bed. You now know what her O-face looks like. A lot less scary than Courtney's for one.The three of them arrived at the reward only to find the bed part of it was a lone bed sitting in the middle of the beach soaking wet from the rain. Geez, why not just give them a straw pallet covered by bird droppings while you’re at it?
The food was much better but as rewards go, it’s one of the most useless individual ones I’ve seen, all Pringles rewards excluded. What, did one of the ubiquitous sponsors pull out? Or did the producers spend so much money on giant zombie heads that they couldn’t afford a better reward?
Is this where the Bam Chika Bow Bow music comes in or is that after they get nekkid?Back at the ranch, Terry was chatting to Shane in an attempt to convince him to join the La Mana alliance. Shane decided to tell Terry exactly who was in the final four of his alliance – him, Cirie, Aras and Courtney. I have no words for how stupid it is for him to be parting with valuable information like that. This is your brain on drugs, people! I swear, this man is a walking public service announcement warning against the use of narcotics.
Before Terry could put his new-found knowledge to good use, the reward challenge winners returned, bellies full. They immediately began to do that silly thing that winners of Survivor food rewards always seem to do, which is talk about just how much food they ate and how good it was.
“Oh there was soooo much bacon and we couldn’t eat it all,” they recounted as the rest of the tribemembers glared at them with a mixture of envy and murderous rage. Fancying herself some kind of skinny, blonde Buddha, Sally invited everyone to rub her belly for luck. Cirie’s face during this was absolutely priceless and she made it abundantly clear that any rubbing she’d do would be with a machete.
"Bitch, you say one more word about how full you are and I'll make bacon out of you."It was still better than being stuck on EI. “This is the most miserable day in my life,” Austin said as rain poured down around him. Could be worse. You could be stuck there with Shane. Danielle turned out to be a good EI companion for Austin as they bonded over their mutual misery.
Terry finally remembered he had the immunity idol and revealed to Sally that he had had it all along. In full cuteness mode, Sally threatened to smack Terry because she’d dug a bunch of holes in vain. Now now, Sally, I’m sure those holes will make fine turtle graves should Courtney ever get sent to EI.
The Immunity Challenge was both physical and mental and was one of those round-based ones where a set number of people would go to the next stage of the competition until the finals. The first round was notable because the contestants had to dig a hole to pass under a fence and Aras got stuck. His ego couldn’t fit.
The next few rounds saw the former La Manans doing extremely well until they were the final three. Austin was the first of them to lose, in the process losing his last hope at staying three more days. The final was surprisingly close considering Terry’s challenge studliness and he and Sally were neck and neck right until the last action-packed second.
But in the end, Terry won it by a hair because Sally is not a Mighty Duck and this is not an underdog sports movie. The lucky socks must’ve slowed her down too much. Or maybe it was the seventy-three strips of bacon she’d earlier consumed.
WEEEEDDDDDGGGGIIIIIEEEE!!!The first thing Terry did when Austin returned was tell him about his immunity idol. Austin got all giddy over like a schoolgirl faced with his crush and told Terry what a stud he was. As he absentmindedly doodled “T + A 4 EVA” in his spiral notebook, he interviewed how this could change everything and now he might even be saved because Terry could give him or Sally the idol.
Terry then used Shane’s slip-up to his advantage and approached Bruce and Danielle with an offer. He told Bruce that Shane had told him he would be the first Casayan to get voted off and offered him a final four spot if he agreed to flop. He repeated what Shane had told him to Danielle and offered her the immunity idol if she joined La Mana.
I don’t know what Terry did between this episode and the last but this is a much better way of getting people to shift alliances than his patented “If you leave your six person alliance in which you’re at the bottom of the hierarchy, you can join my six person alliance in which you’re at the bottom of the hierarchy” strategy. With those benefits on offer, it would actually be a good move for both of them to join Terry.
But when have most of the people on Survivor actually used their brains?
As Terry worked on those two, Aras tried to convince his alliance to vote off Sally over Austin. He was scared that La Mana would vote for him and he’d go off if Terry had given Austin the immunity idol. I don’t know why he’s only worried about this now when the same thing could’ve happened with the Nick vote last week. Maybe Danielle snitched about what Terry had told her (if so, what an idiot she is. Or, as they say in Bahston, a goobah).
Courtney did not want to change the vote and Aras said she was completely lacking in intelligence for not wanting to save his hide. How is that unintelligent? Sure, it’s in Aras’ best interests for him not to be voted out but how’s Courtney stupid if the vote results in the player with the second number of votes going home? She’s too useless to be seen as a threat so it won’t be her, and even if Aras is gone, the psychotic alliance will still be one member up and the game will be one less one athletic male.
Holy Pagan Sun Goddess, did I just defend Courtney’s intellect? This is what Aras’ know-it-all assitude (not a typo) has driven me to.
So I've been trying to work out what Aras looks like with his stupid dandelion hairstyle and I can't decide which one he resembles more:
An Angry Beaver?
A Japanese Anime character?
Or Lisa Simpson?
Would Danielle and Bruce fall for Terry’s honey-covered promises and get rid of bloody Aras for me? Tribal Council would reveal all. Aras once again took the opportunity to pat himself on the back (he’s a yoga guy so he’s used to twisting himself into such positions) about how he had helped everyone by diverting all of the coconuts in the RC towards Team Terry. Cirie, bless her heart, broke her “keep under the radar and laugh at these dumbasses behind their backs” rule by pointing out how that benefited him the most so it wasn’t exactly the most selfless act in the world.
The votes were cast and Aras and Austin were the recipients. Unfortunately for La Mana, and my sanity in general, it was Austin who got the most votes, resulting in such a smug expression on Aras’ face that I threw my slime-absorbing sponge at the TV screen.
Turns out the shrunken immunity head has more brains than Bruce and Danielle combined because both of them stuck with the psychotic alliance. To quote Shii-Ann and her demonic eyerolls: “Stupid people. Stupid, stupid people.”
Austin’s final speech continued the tradition of gracious last words from La Manans. He wished his studly crush the best of luck. Austin’s next writing project is totally going to be a collection of flowery poems about how dreamy Terry is.