So like a week ago, this chick called Vanessa won this show called Survivor SA. Everyone ever watched her win except for me. But now, through the magical power of Series Channel repeats and Youtube, I have caught up on the finale and have finally written the article on it, a mere one week later.
Better late than never, right? Onto the show itself. What happened was this: they competed in challenges, Vanessa and Jacinda went to the final two, Zayn was a jackass and Vanessa won even though she totally shouldn’t have.
What, you want more? OK, fine. The episode began with everyone doing the usual “We’re in the final four! That means there’s a 25% chance of winning the million” spiel that has been used to pad every Survivor finale since the beginning of time.
Luckily there was far less padding needed due to the finale and reunion being condensed into two hours rather than three. There were a few more unmemorable quotes from the survivors and one memorable one from Zayn in which he lamented that he or Jacinda were probably the next two to go (which could easily have been prevented had he stuck with the Rama alliance and tried to vote out Vanessa rather than Jacinda last week).
Zayn’s fears he would be next were rendered fruitless by the next two challenges determining who would go to the final two without even having to vote. Blasphemy! Getting eliminated from the game without getting voted out? That’s almost as bad as being put back in the game after being voted out.
The balancing challenge saw the final four stand on their planks as Mark removed one every ten minutes. Zayn gave us a hint that perhaps he did not have the staying power when he exclaimed “Is it just me or was that a long ten minutes” after the first plank was cut.
Still, he looked like a danger to advance to the finals when he started spouting off his stupid brand of one-liners. Not a bad strategy. I know if I had to listen to Zayn’s dumb comedy stylings, I’d be jumping off to get away from him. But before any of the other contestants could attack him and get disqualified from the game, Zayn fell off, his massive splash causing tidal waves all around Central America.
Then there was some weird convo between Mzi and Jacinda in which he tried to convince her to step off the beam because Vanessa was going to do it as well. I really don’t get the attempts to bargain since it’s not like any of these people would have any power to vote the others off.
Mzi’s efforts to get Jacinda to step down came to nothing because he had no bargaining chip. As he tried to turn to Vanessa to perhaps try to convince her to step down by offering her absolutely nothing in return, he fell off.
Jacinda and Vanessa faced off and there was some blathering about trust. Since they weren’t going to have to have any more TCs, I don’t know why either of them thought trust would still be an issue. Finally, they stopped the strategy/trust talk and Jacinda tried to sway the plank so Vanessa would fall off. The gambit failed and Jacinda went ass-over-teacup into the water.
From there, Jacinda and Mzi competed against each other in the final challenge ever which actually took place in the ocean. I was beginning to think they’d filmed the show inland and photoshopped the ocean in afterwards with the lack of sea-based challenges.
Mzi had great trouble running across the balance beam and lost a whole crapload of time falling into the water, giving Jacinda a substantial lead. But when she’d collected all her keys and moved onto the puzzle, she took so long to complete it that Mzi was able to catch up. He must have accidentally knocked his head falling off the beam however because his puzzle was certainly not done right when he announced victory and called on Mark to check. This gave Jacinda enough time to put together her pyramid and claim the second spot in the final two.
The two hugged and wished each other goodbye and Jacinda returned to camp where she was greeted by an excited Vanessa. It seems that the two of them grew really close in those final few days. Jacinda did a little dance of excitement which was actually rather cute rather than overwhelmingly smug.
Then it was time for the march of the dead survivors which wasn’t so much a march as it was a picture-burning bonfire on the beach. The final two reflected on those that came before them but once again, due to the shortened time, they went skimpy on the padding. People like Don, Sam, Ncumisa, Sanele and even Lezel didn’t even get a tiny mention from the girls. Nobody got a flashback because the producers were saving those for the interminable reunion show.
Finally, finally, the show decided to show us the good stuff and turned towards the jury. First, we got clips of the jury members talking about what they were going to be looking for in the final TC.
Zayn once again missed the point completely and said he would vote for who had played the game with the most integrity and honesty. I wonder if he gets sulky if someone attacks other players’ countries in Risk? Lord knows he seems to have trouble grasping the basic rules of whatever game he plays.
Brigitte said she’d vote according to loyalty which automatically made her attendance of the final TC useless since that clearly meant she’s already made her decision to vote for Vanessa. Lezel said she would vote for the person who played the game best while Mzi Spidermanned that with great power comes great responsibility and he would vote for whoever looks best in red and blue tights. Or something like that. Gareth’s wish was simply to make the girls sweat. Bam chicka bow bow.
Question time! Brigitte’s Breasts started us off. They asked Jacinda the lamest question of the night –
Brigitte’s Breasts: If you had to substitute one member of Rana with one of Aguila, who would you choose?
Jacinda: No-one. They’re all awesome.
Brigitte’s Breasts: Bitch, you aint avoiding the question that easy! Pick one.
Jacinda: Ok, Mzi for Zayn. Because Mzi is God and Zayn and I only meshed 99.9% and not 100% like I did with everyone else. Not because he’s a whiny, self-important twit who was willing to betray me yet is still willing to rag on me for betraying him, or anything like that.
Brigitte’s Breasts then asked Vanessa something which is lost in the mists of time due to editing. I doubt it was any more probing and insightful than her first question.
Next up, Lezel’s unseen question to Jacinda and her seen question to Vanessa.She asked whether she was a reluctant player at the merge. Vanessa was all “Yep. I basically gave up because I saw it was a numbers game” and it’s not like anyone in the history of Survivor has ever been able to
go into the minority with their team down in numbers and
pull off a win. But hey, since she was unfairly placed back in the game, she’s apparently been playing as hard as Jacinda.
Gareth was next, and asked an oldie yet a goodie: “Why does the person sitting next to you not deserve a million?” Jacinda answered fairly well by euphemistically pointing out V’s “slump”, but I think she should have gone for the jugular and simply said outright “She was voted out of the game. I never was”. Vanessa’s reply once more failed to help her case when she shrugged and said there wasn’t any reason not to give the money to Jacinda.
Good Lord, with every question she argues more for her opponent. Aren’t estate agents supposed to be good at making a sale? Is this what she does when trying to sell a house? “Well, the house is OK and all but there’s really no reason you should buy it. There’s a much nicer one down the road that’s being sold by a different agent you should maybe check out.”
As expected, Zayn’s question turned out to be a doozy. He started off by telling them how beautiful they still were. How utterly irrelevant, much like Zayn himself. But this was yet another one of his deluded attempts at charm in order to hide what a judgmental prick he really is.
He tore into Jacinda about her vote for Gareth, talking about how she was willing to do anything to ensure her own survival including screwing Gareth and him to keep herself in the game. What a weaselly dumbfuck. He’s gone beyond plain cluelessness about how the game works and straight into being an out-and-out asshole.
Does this tool not remember how he first approached Mzi and Vanessa with the offer to vote off Jacinda? Has lack of food wasted away his peabrain enough that he doesn’t see how he tried to do the exact same thing he accuses Jacinda of? Is he really this deluded that he doesn’t see his own double standards? He can finally see his feet but he can’t see this?
I hate this brand of whining prat. You know the kind, the one who throws a water balloon at you on the playground but then goes crying to mommy when you dare to throw one back at him. Zayn is nothing more than an overgrown, wailing infant because only a toddler would think that pitiful sulking is in any way cute.
Welcome to Hypocrisyville, Zayn. Population: You.
Jacinda did not call out the petulant mama’s boy on his shameful self-deluding behaviour but instead merely pointed out that she hadn’t set out to deliberately screw anyone and that anything she’d done was in the name of strategy. I don’t think Zaynie understands, Jacinda. Can you please phrase that in the form of a nursery rhyme?
Because Zaynie likes Vanessa, he lobbed her a total softball:
Zaynie: V, I identify with you very strongly because people both say we rode coattails. Tell those meanies how you totally didn’t ride coattails and how you are a million times more awesome than stupid, icky Jacinda so I can affirm my pathetic gameplay through you.
Vanessa did not roll her eyes at Zaynie’s transparent question because a break from the jury is a break from the jury, no matter how much of a sad git the guy is who gives it to you. She gave a good answer, talking about how there were many skills needed in the game besides strength. She even managed to feed Zaynie’s ego a bit by mentioning his car win.
Finally, Mzi asked what the final two would do with the money if they won. Jacinda dropped the Smug and tried to tug at the heartstrings by giving a sob story about buying her mom a coffee shop. It was a very touching sentiment and all but it’s Jacinda, ya know. She does sincerity like Zayn does exercise.
Taking her cue from Jacinda’s alien attempts at portraying emotions, Vanessa tried her own much more effective sob story. In her final speech, she tearily talked about how hard she’d played and with so much heart and blah blah blah violins. You could practically see Zaynie wetting himself in glee at the emotional speech.
The votes were cast and it was back to Randburg for the reunion. It was rather uninteresting, consisting mostly of clips we’d already seen from the show. Mark tried his game best to get anything good out of the contestants but they clammed up tight and answered like complete and utter ninnies who’d just been interrupted from their naps. Still, he was excellent at the live show and handled the recalcitrant lot as best as any host could.
The only other thing of interest was that Zayn had finally decided to dress his emotional age and came out looking like a ten year-old boy with his mop of hair and colourful, striped T-shirt. He gave away his car to his parents because he won’t be able to legally drive until he’s eighteen anyway. Now, every time he wants to go to the shops to buy his Pokemon cards, his mom will be able to take him.
Finally, it was time to reveal the votes and Vanessa won it three-to-two. She had a lovely reaction to it and it’s hard not to feel happy for her, even if I completely disagree with the end result. Of course, it was even harder not to feel sorry for poor Jacinda who had finally lost the White Witch act and was visibly disappointed like a normal human being.
One thing I did love about the reunion show that they should absolutely keep is the reveal of who voted for whom. Zayn, Mzi and Brigitte predictably voted for V while Gareth and Lezel voted for Jacinda. Remember that Jacinda was partially responsible for both their exits so props to Gareth and Lezel for getting the game completely and not showing a single ounce of bitterness.
Struggling valiantly to hide her disappointment, Jacinda was extremely gracious about her loss to Vanessa, congratulating her and saying how much she thoroughly deserved it. Man, what a bummer. Poor Jacinda.
Shit, now I’m feeling sorry for her? I’m actually feeling sorry for the Borg Queen! And how can I not now that she’s out of the game and dropped the icy façade? Jacinda should’ve won this sucker.
If you want to talk about strategy, she was amazing in her ability to make decisions based purely on strategy without emotions getting involved. And if you want to talk about heart, like Zayn did, Jacinda put an incredible amount of it into the game. She played hard and played well every second of it.
It’s a massively disappointing ending to an uneven debut season. Still, I’m glad there’s a second season on the way and I sincerely hope that the producers learn from their mistakes in this one and don’t muck up the second season.