Screencaps courtesy of capthat.netSomething was off. I couldn’t tell what it was but a shiver down my spine as I settled down for the latest episode of Survivor. The radically shortened credits merely confirmed my suspicions that there was something not right about this episode.
It was a dark and stormy night. Thunder roared as the survivors huddled miserably under their dripping shelters. But no matter how scary the thunderstorm was, the pouring rain and angry lightning was nothing compared to the dark soul brooding inside the older men’s shelter. Something with straggly black hair and a Boston tattoo…
The saner members of his tribe had retired to the relative dryness of their shelter but not him. He stood in the rain, his mind too far gone to be bothered by such trivialities as wet clothes and cold. Only one need haunted his thoughts – cigarettes. Even a lightning bolt that almost hit him could not distract him from his tortured reflections.
Perhaps it was the island gods themselves attempting to destroy him but one thing was for sure – Shane would not be so easily gotten rid of…
He calls himself an ADD Psychoboy. This is a nice way of saying he’s batshit crazy. Madness lies behind those darting eyes. He claims to be suffering from having quit smoking but I’m pretty sure the stuff he was smoking was crack and heroin.
The Shane-ingThe storm soon mellowed and a new day dawned. It looked like it was going to be a new day for the older women as well as Jeff summoned the tribes to the Reward Challenge and revealed a new twist. The four tribes were going to become two, to be determined by a schoolyard pick.
Terry and Danielle were the lucky two who started the schoolyard picking. Danielle picked Shane as the first person for her tribe, thus proving that she has more substance in her boobs than she does in her head. She might as well have chosen an albatross as a tribemate. At least the albatross wouldn’t be plotting to peck anyone’s eyes out.
If Danielle ever finds the hidden immunity idol, I know a great place where she can put it...Thus La Mina and Casaya were born. Well, born again as it were but without the preaching and proselytizing.
Poor Bruce was the odd man out and was not picked to be in either tribe. What? You mean to tell me that no-one wanted the Survivor Samurai on their tribes? Come on! He doesn’t even need a machete to chop wood and coconuts. All he needs is one blow from his fists of fury.
The tribes then competed for a reward of fishing gear. They had to complete an obstacle course while handling snakes – wooden ones sadly. Real ones would’ve been way more fun. Casaya was so distracted by Sally’s hideous blue leggings (what is this? Flashdance?) that La Mina surged ahead and won.
Bruce was ordered to Exile Island until next TC where he would join the losing tribe. He got a flint and a few supplies which is more than Misty got. She could have roasted her worm dinner if she had. Bruce also got the next clue which said that the idol was over the tide line and confirmed that the first clue had something to do with the word “why”.
Casaya slinked off home and proceeded to exchange ‘dudes’ and meditation positions. Shane was very happy to be among the dirty smelly young hippies rather than the hard-working oldsters.
See, he is young at heart! His body may be that of a 34 year-old man and his lungs that of a 60 year-old but his mind is that of a 12 year-old. Poor Shane should not have had to experience the indignities of living with wrinkly old people and their damnable work ethic.
“They like worked hard!” Shane complained to the other tribemates as they walked to the shelter the little old ladies of Casaya had built. How I wish the fool had been sent to live at the Younger Guys’ ‘poor excuse for a shelter since he’s got such a yen for the young people.
Cirie and Melinda however felt left out among the hippies with their talk of yoga and turtle spirits. Not only did they not care for the new age nonsense espoused by people like Courtney and Aras, they were also both aware of their ‘age’ and physical fitness working against them.
The others immediately made an alliance confirming that Cirie and Melinda were dead right. Speaking of dead, Shane promised that if the others screwed him, he would kill them. Don’t be alarmed, people. It’s just a joke. Shane doesn’t actually need an excuse to skin them and make cigarettes of their epidermises.
La Mina was seeing similar alliance-building. Terry got Austin and Nick together and suggested they join him and Dan in an all-male alliance. Afterwards, Sally approached Austin and asked him if he would join the women.
Looks like Austin’s the swing vote. Will he join the rocketmen alliance or will he follow the pretty girls around? Let’s not forget this is the same guy who bragged about his flirting skills with the ladieez.
Trouble hit La Mina when Sally and Nick went fishing with their brand new sling. Sally brilliantly shot the thing into the ocean. She dived in afterwards but alas, without her blue leggings to give her luck, she could not find it and it was lost on the ocean floor.
Sally was worried but Nick assured her it didn’t matter too much. Well, clearly not to you because you didn’t even bother to dive in after her and also look for the damn thing. Back on shore, most of the other tribemates also reassured the slingless Sally it didn’t matter, no doubt happy that her inability to hold onto a measly fishing spear was taking the heat off them vote-wise.
Terry was not pleased as he was sure that they would be eating tons and tons of fish otherwise. Maybe they can pull a Bobby Jon and use Misty’s thousands of festering bug-bites to bait the fish. It’s a pity Danielle’s not on the tribe because she could then catch them with her teeth.
At IC, Jeff asked them the usual questions about how they were doing at their new tribe. Instead of the usual canned answer of “We’re doing well, now let’s win”, Shane told of his tribe’s immense suckiness. His tribemates looked at him all “Bitch, why you giving them the psychological advantage? Sit yo’ crazy ass down!”
La Mina once again won thanks to Casaya being, and I quote Jeff here, “absolutely inept”. They were so inept, they were rowing backwards. This is what comes of always wanting to do things your own way, hippies! Go with the flow already, you non-conformist freaks.
At Loserville, Shane informed the Casayans he wanted to go home. His quitting cigarettes was going so badly that he had decided he was going to quit the quitting and quit the show. What a quitter. Or possibly non-quitter. I’m a bit confused.
"Heeeey, if there are still traces of nicotine on my fingers maybe I can smoke them."Turns out the idiot was dehydrated from not having drunk any water in two days. Good Lord, why would he be so utterly insane to do such a thing? OK, I kinda answered my own question but seriously, was he unable to get any water in his mouth due to a bad case of the DT? Was he holding out, hoping to find a nicotine-flavoured well?
Before Cirie and Melinda could celebrate, Aras went to him and convinced him to stay a little longer and see this was really what he wanted. Aras then went up to Cirie and Melinda and not only gave away that they were the two on the chopping block but who the members in his alliance were.
Courtney was all duh, proving that she may have ritual funerals for dead turtles but she does understand the aspects of the game better than Yoga Boy. Aras is all about the openness and honesty but hello dude, the Dr Phil show is thataway.
TC saw Bruce return from his stint on the “evil island”. His words, not mine, though I don’t see how Exile Island can possible be any worse than an island with a real-life budding serial killer on. He sat in on the emotional TC.
Cirie and Melinda tried to pull a Stephenie and recreate the infamous TC where Janu quit. Tears flowed from both of them and Cirie even gave a really great dramatic monologue about how disappointed she would be if she was voted out, not for her kids but for herself.
Having just seen Shane almost drop out and watched numerous Survivor SA and Survivor Africa contestants proclaim their desire to quit at the drop of a hat, I was so glad to hear these women express such a strong urge to stay in the game. These are the women you would least expect to be on the show, yet they are the ones where you can see just how badly they want to be there.
It was a futile effort. Melinda was voted out five to two and Cirie has to be the next target. Just when I was starting to like Melinda too.