EEEEEE!!! It’s here, it’s finally here!! Break out the champagne and balut, Survivor SA has finally arrived.
It is odd to watch Survivor on a Sunday. In fact, there are a lot of little differences about our local version that need a bit of getting used to. But I’m happy to report that the first episode of Survivor went very well indeed and was able to stand on its own terms.
Before I get to the episode itself, I have to get the inevitable comparisons to the US version out of the way. Like host Mark. Now obviously, Jeff is an incomparable host and one of the things that makes Survivor Survivor so you can’t actually judge anyone against him.
Mark is no Jeff Probst. That’s why he is not in fact called Jeff Probst. His line delivery is a bit stilted, especially during voice-overs but I am not bothered about this. It’s the first episode, and I doubt even Jeff nailed those cheesy “The tribe has spoken” type lines the first season.
Plus there’s not a line of unfunny, scripted, poorly delivered, smarmy ‘comedy’ in sight that have been the bane of other shows like Idols and Big Brother. I remember one line he delivered that was very natural and genuinely humorous. So far I like Mark and am willing to give him a break for a bit of woodenness.
It’s very weird not to have the “wo-i-yo-i-yo-i-yo-i-yo” music during the credits but hey, even I’m not that much of a Survivor purist to quibble about thirty whole seconds the show is different.
One thing that wasn’t so good was how the challenges were filmed. It was very hard to see which team was doing better, especially in the race to the chest. Keeping the audience in suspense is all very well and good in an Idols results show or an Apprentice firing but when I’m watching a challenge in Survivor, I like to know exactly what’s going on or else it gets boring.
Otherwise, I am very happy with what I saw. The production values are for the most part excellent: there’s good camerawork, tight editing and it just plain looks good.
As for the contestants, they look to be just as promising as any American lot of survivors. Stupidity, backstabbing and whining are universal to every Survivor cast, be they made up of schmodels or schmoes.
Now that that business is done with, let’s get to the good stuff – the episode itself. Beautiful shots of Panama welcomed viewers as the contestants flew to their destination. In a twist similar to that of the Pearl Islands season, they were told they were going to a press junket but were actually dumped right into the thick of things wearing the clothes on their back.
Sadly, there were a distinct lack of idiots in Armani suits and tube dresses. The contestants were wearing mostly practical clothes. Pity. But there’s still a chance of the contestants having to make their own sackcloth togas like Ulong ended up doing in Palau.
As the contestants saw Mark, the reality of the situation set in. There were confessionals along the lines of “When we saw how imposing and deep-voiced Mark was, we knew the game had truly begun”. Oh you sneaky show you, with your subtle attempts to try to get us to like Mark as a host. I’m surprised there wasn’t a “Mark is even better than Jeff” soundbite in there somewhere.
The castaways were divided into two teams, both named after Spanish animals. Rama is Spanish for “frog who eats a lot of margarine” and Aguilera means “eagle who sings Dirrrty and was one in the Mouseketeers”.
That’s real fair fight. Eagles versus frogs. Eagles which have killer claws and super eyesight and can fly, versus frogs. Mark tried to make it seem like Rama hadn’t gotten screwed over in the tribe-naming stakes by pointing out how adaptable frogs were but frogs and eagles are still fighting in different weight classes.
The way the teams were divided didn’t help. On paper, Aguilera is by far the physically stronger group. Still, Survivor has had its far share of supposedly stronger teams that have had their asses handed to them by smarter ‘weak’ teams. Maybe the frogs would work it out.
First impressions however do not make Rama look all that good. When the teams had to choose essential items from a poor Panamanian village to take with them to camp, Rama decided to deprive the village’s fire-station of all its axes. Great, now if there’s a fire in San Miguel, anyone trapped inside can burn! Why don’t you just steal their fire extinguishers as well, Rama.
Why the need for so many axes? Perhaps they are planning to down the jungle in order to make the most kickass shelter the show has ever seen. I’m sure carrying a wide variety of axes slowed them down for the first challenge which was to get to a chest first.
Winning team would live on Black Pearl Island where they would be in close proximity to buried treasure and perhaps even see Captain Jack Sparrow. The losers would go to Loser Island…sorry, The Lost Island where they would be chased by jungle monsters and kidnapped by a mysterious group of strangers known as The Others.
Like Eagles swooping down upon helpless frogs, Aguilera won the better beach, even overcoming one of their members almost drowning early on. The over-enthusiastic sound editors added some uber-dramatic music to the cliffhanger as the show went to ad. Dial it down a notch, guys. It’s not exactly like anyone watching was actually in suspense over whether someone was going to drown or not.
Turns out that manly man Sanele aint so good at the swimming. Surely you jest?! His official bio makes him sound like Hercules himself and he can’t swim?
Luckily for him, Gareth swam to his aid. Show-off. What’s he think he’s fooling with all this rescuing people business? Some kind of doctor?
Aguilera was relieved. As Vanessa put it, “It wouldn’t be so nice to lose a team member so early in the game.” Hee. I love that; like the worst thing about Sanele drowning would be that they’d be down in numbers and that later on. Maybe nearer the merge, it would be OK if he drowned.
Aguilera moved to their luxury beach while Rama made the long trek to Craphole Island. Each team had been given a bag of generic rice. It’s a good sign that it wasn’t Tastic rice or similar because if there’s one thing that has characterised local reality shows so far, it’s piles and piles of product placement.
Now watch. I say this and the reward challenges are probably going to be for Nando’s chicken meals and freezers full of Coca Cola.
In case you think that South Africans are more outdoorsy and suited to living in the wilderness than Americans, the survivors proved to be as useless as their American counterparts at making fire. One wonders how our ancestors didn’t up and die during the Ice Age if it’s that impossible to make a damn fire.
Fishing proved a better bet especially for Mzi. At first, his teammates derided his fishing skills which seemed to consist solely of standing around with line in hand and trashtalking. I don’t see what else they expected him to do – woo the fish with flowers and chocolates before knocking them over the head with a club?
Mzi showed these men and women of action that standing around waiting is pretty much what fishing is when he made his first catch. Inspiring fish-catching music played, the likes of which I haven’t heard since I last phoned Telkom and they put me on hold.
It wasn’t exactly a shark but it was no minnow either. Later on he really got into things and caught bigger and better fishies. Go, Mzi, showing all these Men’s Health models and sporty types that it takes more than muscles and pointless running around to accomplish certain things.
While Aguilera built shelters and caught fish, the frogs shifted a few leaves in the guise of cleaning up and frolicked in the waves wearing matching blue bikinis. When the teams went to the Immunity Challenge, I fully expected Rama to get beaten by the on-top-of-things Aguilera.
Aguilera did win again but barely. Rama did very well and lost by a hair. Maybe they’re not such sitting frogs after all. They certainly weren’t overmatched physically by any great degree.
Rama skulked off dejectedly back to camp and got down to the dirty business of voting someone off. Even though Gareth is supposed to be the doctor, it was Jacinda who was coolly clinical in deciding who to vote off, referring to Danielle as a cancer that needed to be gotten rid of.
Gees, a cancer. That’s cold, man. With that attitude, she’ll go far.
Danielle, it seems, was whining about being on the island and being away from her beloved 550 count sheets and imported silk panties or whatever. Shockingly, Danielle doesn’t like the island. No, really? Miss “weekly spa treatments” doesn’t like sleeping on a beach and eating pawpaws? What new wonders will Survivor bring?
Then Danielle did something that did genuinely surprise me and stepped up to the plate, working her ass off in camp even though the team had already told her they were going to vote her out.
It worked too: the spotlight shifted from her to Don, who grumped about camp doing nothing. Brilliant. There’s already an age bias against the oldies on Survivor and instead of working doubletime to overcome it, Don sits around camp and pretends to be sick.
At Tribal Council, Mark informed the survivors they would be sacrificing one of their own like the ancient Maya. Hooray, I was waiting for this all Guatemala season and it never happened. Disappointingly, it turned out he was speaking symbolically so the Maya gods still won’t be getting their human sacrifice.
Don tried to explain the tribe’s RC loss by being a sexist pig, claiming that if a man had been upfront untying knots, they would’ve done better. Yes, because we all know what a physical task knot-untying is. Damn Jacinda’s delicate lady-like hands for being too small and nimble to properly use brute force to untie the knots.
As Don uttered these stupid, stupid words, Jacinda gave him A Look which I interpreted as “*bleep!* you, we’re so voting you out, ass!” I was with her all the way. The votes went five-four against Don, with the maligned Jacinda, Gareth, Zayn and Danielle voting for him and Ncumisa, Lezel and Don voting for Danielle.
Good riddance. After hearing him spout off that sexist rubbish, I’m really hoping a woman wins just to show him up. I am pleased that every single woman outlasted his malingering butt.
So the first episode of Survivor SA ends with the contestants unable to make fire, tribal divisions already happening and the old guy getting voted off first.
Yep, it’s good to have Survivor back.