Overall, Episode 2 was slightly underwhelming, sort of like Morgan, actually: you're expecting something magical to happen, but in the end it's just a rabbit in a hat, and I can get one of those anywhere. A hat I mean. There's no such thing as rabbits.
Oh well, at least we got to see Judd as the fattest Spiderman ever. And what's up with the editors blurring out exposed bits of female contestants? Any marketer worth his salt will tell you that
that's the stuff we want to see. Poor. that's all I'm saying.
After the Jim Thing A trundling Nakum was the first thing we saw. They were trundling all gloomily back from Tribal council. I'll never understand why they are all so sad. You're
coming back alive! For crying out loud. Don't give me that crap about missing a tribe-mate either. You didn't know him at all; come on it's only been three days. I'll bet most of you wrote
'That old guy' on the ballot paper.
Blake: Man, I'm sad after voting out.. you know... Bobby Jon: Buddy? Yeah I'll miss him. Good ole... Buddy. Speaking of so-called model Blake: if I have to see him vomit one more time, I may just mimic him. And Margaret is just encouraging him. In fact, she's really creeping me out.
Blake: Damn, I feel, like, totally bad man. Why aren't my chiselled features making me better?
Margaret: Here let me rub it better.Blake: That's not hurting.Margaret: *snap* hurts now, don't it! Bet you love me now, eh? Margaret is turning into a character from
Misery.The Braiding Bunch
Yaxha, on the other hand, is far more united. They're braiding each other's hair already. It's a fairly traditional survivor means of telling which tribe is going to lose: if they just won, and they're shown braiding each other's hair, they're going
down.
Another sure sign they're going down is that someone does something clever, like Lydia with her fishing. Man, it's like putting a curse on yourselves.
"Hey I planted a field of corn! I domesticated the crocodiles!" is what you say just before you go to tribal council...
There's something wrong with Rafe too. What's his obsession with small food? He was disappointed that they only had ants: he wanted termites. I dunno, I would've been more likely to say: "Damn, ants? I was hoping for
steak and beer." He was also thrilled by the minnows that Lydia caught. (I, for one, was actually astounded that there are actually little fish called
minnows. I thought for a second that Lydia had caught a school of
metaphors, swimming in the lake.)
He mentioned something about trying 'everything at least once out here..' which should make for some interesting TV. I for one can't wait for him to try some Lemur, or some rock. Yeah, go for it Rafe.
The Unchallenges Pfft. That's all I have to say. What piss-easy challenges. And, yet, they manage to make it look bone-crunchingly difficult. Judd had difficulty
walking, Rafe had difficulty
climbing a ladder and Bobby-Jon had difficulty
not eating the bags that were tied to the net. In the end, Team Knucklehead made it through both challenges as the winner. Clearly the madness that was Palau is being corrected. The universe demanded it. Bobby Jon, in a moment of calculated madness, did not hit himself in the head.
Jeff should really just replace his lines, for one week. He says the same thing every week, year after year. Just some simple mix-ups.
"Behind you is a torch... fire represents your life on the island." Could become
"Got Fire? Make with the flame, yo. We be cappin' yo' torch if the tribe don't be diggin' yo' funk, yo." And
"Immunity: back up for grabs." could become
"Immunity, bah, stick it up your ass...". Anyway....
The Immunity Challenge was fun to watch. It was really the perfect sort of challenge for Bobby 'Sisyphus' Jon (look it up): mindlessly charging forward whilst tethered to something heavy (Yaxha). It was quite amusing to see everyone doing absolutely nothing intelligently. Well, except for Brian, who got up and, um, tried to... what the hell was he trying to do? He tackled, er.. Danielle? Surely you tackle a strong player? You go sit on Judd or something?
Dumbass, that's all I'm saying.
The outcome of the challenge was completely unfair though. You have skinny-ass Yaxha guys going up against The Rock, Judd. What better way to win that challenge: attach a rope to the professional Doorstop and just let Yaxha tire themselves out. Doorstop... that doesn't sound right.
Aaaanyway...
Apparently, Danni is useful for something. She saw right through Hogey's intricate disguise (a drawn on moustache and Brandon's hat) and for some reason knew who he was. I dunno, I though Danni was one of those topless sportscasters on one of those dodgy internet sites. I didn't know she was a real sportsfan...
So the Hogerboomer's cover is blown.
Well, actually, no it's not. I'm glad the members of Yaxha aren't CIA interrogators. We'd still be looking for Osama if they were. (hang on...) Pathetic, but not as pathetic as Gary's attempt at covering it up.
Brian: Hey, like, Gary? Like, were you a, like, NFL quarterback, or, like, something, man?
Gary: No thanks, I've eaten enough for today.
Brian: What? No, I asked - Gary: Yes, it's a beautiful day! I think I'll go for a swim. Smooth. Anyway, I wonder if anyone would have cared? That's a great way to start off with your tribe: lie.
The Yaxha tribe lost the immunity, and had to start with the whole voting-people -off thing. It came down to a toss up between Fishmonger Lydia and What-the-hell-do-you-do-around-here-again Morgan. Jamie suggested Steph for a moment, and he'll probably suffer some sort of internal injuries for that later on. Seriously, how stupid can you be? You just lost a challenge. Ooh, I know! Let's vote off the strongest player! I've never seen
that one backfire before! Then again: can anyone say
Rob Mariano? Ah, you can't win with me. I guess I just hate you, Jamie.
When choosing between Lydia and Morgan, a piece of wisdom from Sun Tzu's
The Art of War came to me:
"In the field of battle, when you are faced with many opponents and are outflanked, get rid of the silly blonde girl. And kick Jamie in the nads for me. I need some Doritos." So, in the end, Morgan had one more magic trick for us: pulling her head out of her ass. Jeff did the whole
David Copperfield thing and made her disappear into the night.
May I have The Envelope Please It's a tough call for this week's award winners. Hmm, no it's not...
For being a big whiny baby, and for
this,
the
Shallow End of the Gene Pool Award for this week goes to Blakeykins.
Precious...
The winner of the
Let This Person Breed More Award goes to Judd, because even though he was the worst Spiderman ever, he was an awesome Hulk.