If your Survivor SA: Panama entry form piqued the interest of the screening panel, you passed your physical exam as well as your arduous psychometric testing and a plethora of questionnaires (real questions the shortlisted candidates have been asked like: Have you've ever been in a threesome? What would you do if your best friend sells your life story to the tabloids once you return as a famous person?) - then you just might make it as one of the 14 who will venture into the shark-infested waters of the Caribbean coast to try and outwit, outplay and outlast the other 13 next month, in this exhilirating reality show.
This past weekend I played Survivor in the bush (Plumari Game Lodge outside Johannesburg to be exact) ..... and won! I was in a version of Survivor duplicated so closely to the real thing I thought I was actually in the show.
M-Net called it "Media Survivor: South Africa" and it was actually filmed for television (catch the insert on Kwela on Wednesday, 24 May at 20h00 on DStv's kykNET (channel 35), or the repeat on Monday, 29 May at 17h00 on M-Net) with cameras, real challenges and such cutthroat competition that I actually consider myself having done the real thing.
M-Net invited 18 representatives (I played for tvplus magazine) from the country's biggest magazines and newspapers to come and play in real Survivor-style for a chance to go to Panama.
The channel told us that the winner will get the opportunity to go to Panama next month for exclusive access in front and behind the scenes when the show is filmed there.
That person, dear reader will be me, but it came with a lot of very very hard work - physically, mentally and emotionally - and I'm still sore and bruised all over. And I'm not talking about my new scars on my hands and feet.
Of course for us what usually happens over the course of 39 days was speeded up and condensed into two looong and gruelling days, but that just served to make everything so much more spectacular, unbelievable and totally intense.
Someone was hurt, a few broke down and cried real tears, few bitched openly about their fellow contestants and we were all so highly strung and totally stressed out you could cut the atmosphere with a knife.
Of course the knives were in my fellow contestants' backs, as one by one everyone got voted out in one tribal council after the other, usually a few hours apart, as we completed one immunity challenge after the other.
I learned a few valuable lessons over the course of the two days, as first we as the Bafokeng tribe decimated the other tribe and then when it came time to merge, it became a battle for individual survival.
Since we were 18, here's 18 things to keep in mind, should you ever find yourself on Survivor:
1. Don't make promises (you can't keep)!A lot of people I realised are so insecure and uncertain (heck, I was too!) they just talk and conspire and make plans and alliances with anything that moves.
Don't!You can keep those promises. If you can't talk to someone about a possible alliance or strategy, don't. Talk about the food or the challenges completed or anything but don't create hope, hype or hypertension.
Before the jury had to vote for either me or the person I decided to take with me to the very last tribal council, I told them straight up: "Some of you I talked to about alliances and I made deals with you. You will know if I talked to you and what we discussed and decided and that I've honoured those.
"To some of you I didn't talk about strategy and alliances once. I did vote for you and perhaps my vote helped to vote you out, but it's simply because we didn't have a plan or haven't been part of somebody else's larger plan."
2. Do not ignore peopleFocus consciously on not isolating people. You're in a team. Do not ignore some team members because you have no interest in them or feel intimidated or can't relate.
Otherwise you'll form a clique (you can have a clique or an alliance in secret! I had two and it served me well.) and give some tribe members the opportunity to create distance which makes it easier to get rid of you.
Of course this shouldn't be a forced thing. You should be genuinely interested in your tribe members. The better you know them, the better you'll know what their interests and abilities are.
We as Bafokeng suddenly had to construct a mud hut with a thatch roof, make mud and plaster the thing with dung. I honestly had no idea what we had to do or how to go about it. One of my tribe members, Amos, luckily knew exactly what to do.
I said to him, "Amos, take the lead. I'll do whatever you want me to do but you have to take charge here and tell all of us exactly what little part we have to focus on."
Of course we beat the pants off the other tribe, who had to send another member home. All because we knew that Amos knew exactly how to built a mud hut with a thatch roof.
3. Do not stand around and do nothingEven if you are dog tired, even if you don't have a cooking clue how the challenge works, what the rules are or if you feel so intimidated by the contestants, the other tribe or just the weight or what you are busy with,
do not freeze up or be lazy or come across as so dazed and confused that you decide to do nothing.
We in Bafokeng voted off the lazy, the incompetent or otherwise stand-around-and-do-nothings first. Nothing personal. But it was a competition and we didn't want to go to tribal council. Those who hesitated, those who contributed nothing were the first to go.
It also doesn't mean that you have to do a lot. Do something - even if it's something small - and do it to the best of your ability. Participate.
4. Everyone is valuableEvery person, no matter how they perform in your team, has value. They might be weak, they might not know their left and right from each other and you might have a burning desire to get rid of them and vote them out because you don't like their personality or performance - but they do have a vote.
Whilst it's true that they might vote for you, you can also try and influence them to
not vote for you. And having other people
not vote for you at the same time means two things: firstly you are not voted for and secondly someone else is getting their odds of getting the boot increased.
Sometimes it's better to keep some people around, even though you don't like them, because they are useful.
5. Get scared when nobody wants to talk to youI've spoken to a lot of this past weekend's contestants and what they said was also said before by most of the American Survivor contestants. They mostly knew they were getting voted off because people stopped talking to them.
I think that even though it's a hard show from the perspective of people having to employ cutthroat tactics in order to stay in the game, we as humans by nature (except for the few psychopaths out there) find it hard to scheme and lie right in people's faces.
When someone is going to vote you out it's harder for them to actually look you in the eye. Once people avoid eye contact with you, you had better start to act and do something fast!
6. Do not take it personallyIt's a game and it's a rough one. We were all media people, highly trained in communication skills, clever about the world and its workings and yet suddenly mostly stumped.
Hardened journalists came out of tribal council after voting someone off and cried. Eyes were moist. People huddled together in shock. Yet it was about people they haven't known for longer than a day and haven't seen before in their lives.
It will become personal. I can honestly admit - and I told everyone who would listen - that I'm sure I won't be able to make 30 days of this. I even dissuaded my friends from entering because of the emotional repercussions. It just gets too personal.
When people write your name down and the presenter takes it out of the pot (we had a guy called Allen who was very, very good - looked like a twin of Chuck Norris and hence the nickname of "Chuck" we gave him) you are not going to like it when he holds up the piece of paper and reads your name out loud.
You have to try and separate the people in your tribe between the personalities they are on the one hand and on the other hand that they are each just an entity or a commodity.
In my mind I had this mental image of all of us being chess pieces. When we were just three left it became very weird because it was personal. Here we were: the three people who helped each other get to be the final three with one last immunity challenge before us, and soon one of us (me!) was going to have to vote one more person out.
Very weird. Very personal.
7. Take the opportunitiesDo not wait to talk to someone if you can talk to them
now! You might not get a chance to corner them later, or to make eye contact and nod in someone's direction, or whisper a name.
It's vital that you plan your stuff as soon as possible, that you're in tune with the mood of the group, that you are talking with as many fellow contestants as possible as often as possible.
I was once caught rolling my eyes in someone's direction - by the very person I was looking to to try and get voted out next. Awkward! And it's because I simply no longer had any time or opportunity to try and get my message across to the people I had an alliance with.
8. Never give upA few times we almost lost. We barely made it. Had we given up earlier and looked over to see how the other tribe was doing we'd have been going to tribal council more often than what they did.
When it became time for individual immunity I stayed focused and managed to win a few I surely would have lost if I'd panicked. And the panic factor is immense.
9. Don't worry about the camerasYou'll hardly notice those. The only times you really do notice a cameraman and a guy with a boom around you is when it's actually time for tribal council and the line you've walked in with wasn't at the right angle or something silly that wouldn't make for good television.
The rest of the time you'll be blind and oblivious to the cameras, I promise you. The adrenalin will take care of that. I almost ran a camera guy over running up a hill looking for a calabash. He was right in front of me and I honestly didn't see him.
10. It's okay if people underestimate you. Use it to your advantage.Most people think I sit around and watch TV all day. Well, actually I do but I do have a social life, I do go out a lot and every morning I do 40 push ups when I roll out of bed.
Yet just yesterday my dad told me that I'm no Tarzan. But I did win a few physical challenges, I didn't mind getting dirty and a bit bruised and it made all the difference.
Some people I suspect didn't think I would be able to do it. They might have thought that I might be able to complete a square out of triangle puzzle pieces but I actually lost that one. (The opposite side of the coin is therefore true as well: make sure that it's not you who are underestimating any of the other people!)
11. Don't think you'll be voted out just because you're sitting outPeople have the impression, when you're in the game, that you'd better compete or be voted out. Since we decimated the other tribe more and more of our Bafokeng tribe members had to sit challenges out. It didn't change or influence in one little way who got voted out or not. It was all about alliances and strategies.
Be very vocal beforehand if you're not up for anything or for what a challenge entails. Because you will definitely be held responsible if you dropped the ball so to speak, because you weren't good enough after insisting that you play.
12. Expect animosity, jealousy and suspicious glancesIf you want to know what it feels like to be a celebrity (I honestly had and have
no desire to be) this is the closest you'll come, if you're not already a famous person. And I'm not talking about the media and tabloid frenzy waiting for you once you return from that island. I'm talking about everything that happens while you're there.
People will sometimes talk about you right in front of your face! Weird! But true. Or they'll talk and snicker behind your back while you're busy with a challenge. Weird, and yes, true!
You're used to gossip or you're used to the fact that people talk about you behind your back. Very few people though are used to people talking behind your back and you actually hearing them while they're doing it.
It's a whole new ball game and something you'll have to get used to quickly.
13. Stay vague during tribal councilWonder why nobody really gives specific answers during tribal council when Jeff or Chuckie interrogates you?
It's because the people you're making plans with - and against - are all sitting or standing right next to you. You don't want to say even one word that will tip someone off or upset them, so you suddenly choose your words very carefully.
14. It's not like it's your last RoloBeforehand you might think you're going to be generous. Forget it. When you win immunity - and during the individual immunity challenges in which I won four out of the last six (not consecutively though) - I didn't give it away once.
Survivor will make you needy and insecure. Be prepared for these (bad) feelings so that it doesn't derail you.
I contemplated giving my immunity necklace away to some of my friends but never did. It's very hard when your own survival is on the line. And it's okay because in the end - just like in Highlander - there can only be one. Everyone except one will be voted out. It's how the game is meant to be played.
15. Go with the flowThe girls will throw like girls. Everyone will see the strongest guy as the biggest threat. If you have a difficult name, nobody will spell it correctly. It doesn't matter. Go with it.
Be open to possibilities. Be open to new plans and new opportunities. But don't lose sight of the bigger picture. Don't say yes for everything, but also don't dismiss things outright. Think very carefully and play out the consequences in your head of all the possible decisions you can take.
When we merged on the second day and took on the remaining members of the losing tribe I had the opportunity to switch alliances, pull in the weak players and change the group dynamic of the tribe. I seriously considered it and it could have worked.
Yet I stuck with my original alliance and enhanced it by making another one that made this second alliance mutually inclusive of the first one. By luck these both held and worked.
Another shocking twist was the re-introduction of someone voted out long ago when we were still two separate tribes. I worked her into the plan and she ended up going almost all the way. In fact, she was the third last Survivor contestant standing before I had to choose who to take to the final with me and had to write her name down.
16. Have fun!Sometimes I laughed so hard, I almost cried too. It's such a surreal business, such a crazy environment that you can't help but just laugh at it.
And funny stuff will happen - usually when blindfolded. Have a chuckle. At the very least it will release some of the stress and tension.
17. Use your left hand moreYou will be playing with some sneaky bastards. Yes, some are actually devoting time to doing handwriting analysis, trying to deciper who wrote what when and voted for whom. They are trying to analyse the scribbles to figure out what consistent handwriting belongs to whom.
They are listening to the marker on the paper and how many distinct writing movements (meaning individual letters) they hear. Did you write down a longish name, or was it a short one?
Throw them off the scent by using your right
and left hand. Kiddie scribbles with an unpractised hand will help to confuse your tribe mates.
18. Do not justify yourselfOnce you've voted, keep it to yourself. Do not allow yourself to talk about how you voted, for whom you voted or why. To the rest of the tribe mates, no matter how you try to explain it, it will sound as if you're trying to justify yourself. And somewhere, somebody will not like what you have to say.
Just try and stay quiet on the issue of whom you actually voted for. It's fine to talk about and be engaged in the process of whom you're going to vote for but do not talk too much about what you've already done.
The more you talk about it, the more you're going to hurt people's feelings, whether the people you voted for are actually still part of the tribe or not.