Promos for this episode promised the Most Shocking Twist The Game Has Ever Seen or similar hyperbolic twaddle. It failed to deliver. It was not so much shocking as infuriating and almost completely pointless.
This Most Shocking of Shocking Episodes began with Edgardo taking an undue interest in Mook’s pants, specifically, the contents of his pockets. Mook reassured Edgardo that he was not happy to see him and that it was indeed an immunity idol in his pocket.
The only remaining member of Ravioli who was unaware of the turtle peeking out of Mook’s pants was Dreamz. The other alliance members had decided against telling him for fear that he would fail to keep it a secret and incorporate it into one of his cheers:
I – D – O – LWhere it is, I’m gonna tellShake your hips and do this danceAnd after, check out Mookie’s pantsHow anyone could think that quiet Dreamz, the very soul of discretion, would give the game away is a mystery. Just because his piehole flaps open more than a bigmouth bass is no reason not to trust him with highly sensitive information.
There was some good news for the Raviolis – a treemail informed them they would no longer have to live at Crapass Beach. They had to pack their belongings (all one of it) and head over to Exile Island. The Motorolans were not quite as happy to learn that they would be leaving the comfort of their beachside mansion.
After bidding goodbye to the toilet paper and cutlery, Motorola met up with Ravioli at a treehouse on Exile Island. Jeff was nowhere to be found. Off getting a spa treatment, no doubt. He’s going to be even more of a diva now that he’s won the best reality host Emmy, popping off for coke breaks in the middle of challenges.
The castaways were confused. Where was Jeff to explain to them what they were supposed to do? Was it a merge? Had they been abandoned to live out their days on Exile Island?
There was no food on the island which led to both Alex and me wondering the same thing; were they going to have to turn to cannibalism? Last one not to get eaten gets crowned sole survivor. As twists go, it might be a bit gory for Survivor – maybe they should save it for a Fear Factor episode.
Dibs on Stacy! She looks tender.Earl very sensibly spoke about playing for the moment and not focusing too much on future merges to the detriment of day-to-day strategy and votes. Alex was confident going into a possible merge because he knew his new alliance with Edgardo, Mook and Dreamz was solid. He said they’d proven themselves to be loyal to one another by screwing over all their previous allies. Unassailable logic.
The contestants found a box full of cheery purple buffs and a note explaining everything. It was merge time and the castaways were to return to Motorola Beach and come up with a name.
Everyone was very relieved that they were going to live at Moto Mansion and not Exile Island. Mook was excited that he would finally get to experience the luxuries of the mansion while Alex detailed how awesome it was going to be sleeping in the bed again. I scowled and wished Jeff was off stealing all their luxuries.
Guess what? Jeff
was off stealing their luxuries! When they got back to Motorola Beach, all that was left were a few pots, a machete and some fishing gear. As the only one who had never experienced the Motorolan standard-of-living, Mook silently contemplated taking the machete to his wrists in despair.
The tribe had to build itself up from scratch, including choosing a new name. They called themselves Bula Bula, Fijian for “hello” and Burnettian for “ha ha, I’m about to screw you over”. Stacy and Michelle painted the new flag while discussing their chances in the new tribe. They decided they were fairly safe as the men would take out one another first before considering any of the girls.
Michelle was not feeling worried for another reason. Her alliance with Earl, Yau-Man and Cassandra was looking good, and each of them had a good shot at bringing in a couple more voting partners.
Alex was feeling equally secure that his alliance (laughingly called the four horsemen of the apocalypse) held the power in the tribe. Not so fast, Alex. Even if I didn’t think Earl was a better strategist than you, any team that includes someone as flaky and unpredictable as Dreamz is almost certainly weaker than an alliance of four very stable personalities like Team Earl.
Even worse was the fact that Mook told Dreamz that their alliance had the immunity idol. Edgardo and Alex were horrified he’d just told the big-mouthed bass their biggest secret and could now look forward to it being broadcast to Yau-Man and Cassandra in due course. A good thing too because Yau-Man was wondering who had the other immunity idol and now he’ll know exactly who to target. Yippee!
One thing the two alliances agreed on was who they wanted to vote out: Boo. The four mulemen were leaning towards either him or Stacy but Alex and Edgardo eventually decided to go with Boo and bring Stacy on board as the fifth member of their alliance.
Mook and Dreamz were not pleased, Mook from a strategic point-of-view and Dreamz because he was still angry over Stacy’s treatment of him. He described how two-faced she was, suddenly acting nice to him when after treating him like bug poo before. You’d better beware, Stacy. Lisi got hers and so will you.
Sharp-eyed viewers may have noticed that the orange and green colour scheme was back at the IC. Ruh-roh, I smell the stench of a Burnett twist. Jeff, looking rested from the spa, was back and he had the contestants reach into a bag and pick out different-coloured stones. One reveal later and Bula Bula was once again two tribes.
Man, car guards are persistent nowadaysThe Greenies consisted of Alex, Dreamz, Michelle, Stacy and Mook while the Oranjes consisted of Earl, Yau-Man, Cassandra, Edgardo and Boo. Winning tribe would get immunity and meat and the losers would get a mysterious note.
Yau-Man once again proved to be the challenge star and won the Oranjes their meaty immunity. The Greenies had a date with Jeff at Tribal Council. But wait, more bad news awaited them. The mysterious note ordered them to go immediately to TC, do not pass go, do not collect $200.
Dreamz and Alex feel around for the best spot to stick the knife inNow here is the part of the twist I absolutely hate. The fact that the contestants had no chance to strategise bugs me to no end. These twists almost always end up disadvantaging someone in a big way but at least that person has a chance to do some magic and save themselves through good social skills or smart strategising or whatever.
By making the losing tribe go straight to TC, it eliminates any element of skill whatsoever and makes the game entirely luck-based. If I wanted to watch people try their luck, I’d watch the Live Lotto Draw. I don’t watch to watch poor fools get screwed over solely by which colour rock they pick, which is exactly what happened.
Looking at the make-up of the Greenies, it was painfully obvious that either Stacy or Michelle would be the ones leaving since three of the four mulemen ended up on the tribe. Jeff asked each of them about why they would vote out certain contestants. Alex (who had waaaay more time to talk at TC than the others) made his intentions to vote off Michelle perfectly clear while Dreamz expressed his desire to see Stacy gone for the way she’d treated him.
With Michelle, Mook and Dreamz almost certain to vote for Stacy, you’d think Michelle was safe, right? Wrong! In a Shocking Twist (really, the only shocking part of the episode), only Michelle and Mook voted for Stacy. Dreamz for some massively unknown reason voted for Michelle, along with Alex and Stacy.
How the hell did this happen? Voter intimidation! Ballots were lost! I demand a recount!Michelle was a good sport about being voted off despite the fact that she was buttraped so hard by this twist. Seriously, this girl had a very good game going and was in prime position to reach at least top four before Burnett decided to throw in a pointless shock value twist. She said she was proud of making it this far and she had done pretty damn well for herself. If it was me, there’d be more cursing. A lot more.
Next week: Mook is pissed off big-time about Dreamz’s crazy-ass voting habits. Why did he do it? Brain damage? Dreamz continues his irrational behaviour by telling everyone where the idol is. Very bad brain damage.